What is it about skids?
SD came over yesterday and we started nails and brows right away. I washed and pin curled her *extremely* sleek, straight hair to help prep it for tonight since she has to be there at 6. She just texted me and said it turned out straight and poofy. Great. I texted her instructions but who knows how that went..
She's coming over after school so I can help her fix it and DH can take her to pick her friends up. Her hair just doesn't hold curl so we'll have to pray for a miracle and use lots of hairspray tonight.. I hate heat styling.
Also, she asked if we could paint her toes. I didn't offer because she never wants them done but she does this time because of the shoes she's wearing. I said ok then she says "but BM said she'll cut my toenails tonight".. DH of course tells her she can do that herself. She's almost in high school.. "I try but it never works". DH then shrugged and walked away.
THIS is what bothers me about SD and BM. SD is so lazy! If she attempts something once or twice and gets frustrated or it's not perfect, she quits. The entire Thanksgiving incident was about her arguing with DH over making mac n cheese of all things and her attitude.
I care for SD but she can be so frustrating. BM and GBM do every single thing for her so she either doesn't know how or doesn't try anymore because why? Someone will do it for her..
THIS is the frustrating thing about steplife. CODs are smothered and catered to for every little thing, it's no surprise they can't be functional adults! Oh yeah, SD cut her toenails over here just before the CPS thing so I *know* she can. All I can think sometimes is: "I am determined to make sure DD doesn't end up this helpless/ dependent". Would skids be so needy if their parents were together?
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I sometimes think my SD would
I sometimes think my SD would be worse if her parents were together, lol. BM babies her a ton (she showers with her, wipes her butt, etc.) and she's 7! DH is pretty good but even then, he does things that drive me nuts. Like SD is "too scared" to come downstairs alone for dinner while we're all waiting at the table. I said ok, fine, no dinner then and DH goes and gets her. Like, come on, it's light out, it's 20 steps away via the stairs, stop giving in! She also wakes at night and yells out for someone anytime she wants water, has to pee, etc. and it drives me nuts. You're almost 8 - GO YOURSELF. The bathroom is right by her room and she has a water glass beside her bed. How hard is it to instill a bit of independence?
It really baffles us
It really baffles us sometimes and in this situation, I've seen SD clip her own darn toenails. I was very independent as a girl because I didn't have a mom. Well, I did but she was 2 states away. I'd be mortified to claim to "not know" to do as many things as SD does. I sure as shit wasn't given the luxury of having my toenails clipped for me in 8th grade..
In 8th grade, I'd be
In 8th grade, I'd be mortified at the thought of my mother doing any self-care/hygiene related things for me. I mean, painting your nails as a girl-time activity is fine, but another person clipping my toenails? Ew lol weird.
So clipping a teenagers
So clipping a teenagers toenails is bad, but painting them for her is fine? I don't get it. If she is capable of clipping them herself, she sure as shit can paint them herself. While you are complaining about bm and gbm, you do the same damn thing! If you want to instill independence in this kid, STOP!
I offered to help her with
I offered to help her with her toes as in show her how to properly clip and file but she said she'd just do it at BM's after she showered. Of course that meant just having mommy do them. As far as painting her hands, it's much nicer to have someone paint your nondominant hand for you.
Sure. It's nice. But again,
Sure. It's nice. But again, you don't really enjoy being nice to her because she ISN'T grateful. So....stop it!! Seriously. Did you not have your baby yet? As soon as my son was born, I had enough real worries and things to focus on that all these minor skid annoyances just washed off my back. I can't even be bothered with it unless it is life or death or at least something more important than hair, makeup and nails. Focus on your kid, your marraige and your own nails if that's what you're into. Let your DH figure out what to do with his coddled princess. The only thing you get out of it is fodder for your bitching and that ain't healthy.
I've really been trying to
I've really been trying to pinpoint my resentment about all of this. I'm sure my own DD will go through the preteen/ teen phase like we all did. With SD, I think it upsets me that she isn't grateful or doesn't show it because I know she'll never love me like a parent. I used to think I loved her as a parent. As a human being, it hurts to do things for someone you care about only for it to feel expected or unappreciated. Period.
The baby is 7 weeks and so perfect.
Yep. Ingratitude from my
Yep. Ingratitude from my skids was infuriating because everything I did for them was optional. I did it because I loved them. But unreciprocated love creates an imbalanced relationship that would cause anyone resentment. How to stop the resentment? Stop setting yourself up to feel her ingratitude!
Toddlers are not grateful creatures. My own kid can treat me like his personal slave and human napkin and I don't feel the slightest resentment toward him. Why? Because he loooooves me soooo freaking much!! Those moments when he runs into my arms squealing "mama, mama, mama!!" with hugs and kisses make every little evil thing he does OK. You don't get those moments with a teen SK. Just the evil ones.
ETA: also biology can't be ignored. Whenever my kid is acting like a monster, I have no one to blame but myself! I chose to have a child and I'm the one raising him. When your SK is being a shitbird, you don't naturally take any of the responsibility so it is much harder to accept/ignore/understand the behavior because you had nothing to do with her being born and raised.
This is exactly it. I think
This is exactly it. I think doing what I want to for SD because it's optional and remaining disengaged the rest of the time is what's for me. I just really question if I'm an evil SM because of this. My mom (Grandma D to SD) loves her and asks about her all the time. Why do I seem to be the only one who can't just accept SD?
Edit: it must be biology. You all know how I am a "glutton for punishment" and keep trying. Even before I got pregnant, I realized (I think because of SD) that I'm not as much of a "kid" person as I thought but of course *my* kid is different. And she really is.
My mom says she loves SD and
My mom says she loves SD and makes comments that make me feel bad for not loving her the same as my son too.
If I'm talking about something cute I bought him or somewhere we went, she will say "what about SD? Did she go too?" because she KNOWS I love them differently. But the thing is, as a grandparent, it's easier to pretend all is equal. At the end of the day, I see her get JUST as annoyed with SD as I do. I see her pick up things for my son without even thinking of SD until it hits her and she says "oh I'll grab SD this" afterward. She doesn't love them the same. I know she doesn't. It's just easier for her when she's not in our day-to-day life to pretend and act like she does. It drives me crazy when she makes comments because I've SEEN the same annoyance from her and she only sees SD a couple times a year.
It should also bother you about your DH.
You say this bothers you about SD and BM. You realize DH Is just as responsible for SD and her behaviors as BM is, right?
And did you really say children of divorce can't be functional adults? That's quite a generalization. Your SD may be spoiled and your SD may be pampered, but to say that she isn't going to be a functioning adult or that any child of divorce isn't going to be a functioning adult is just absolutely ridiculous.
(I knew you'd be here complaining about helping her. It happened faster than I thought!)
Why didn't DH toss her a pair
Why didn't DH toss her a pair of toe nail clippers and tell her to try in front of him? It's not only BM's job to teach her (or do it for her).
The ONLY reason YSS learned to use a knife and fork was because DH MADE him do it. When we were all "friendly", I went to lunch with DH, the boys, and BM. YSS couldn't cut his roll open, so BM reached over, grabbed it, and started to cut and butter it. DH politely lost his sh*t on both her AND him. Lo and behold, YSS could do it himself!
Same went with tying his shoes, opening his own water bottles, cutting his own fingernails, etc. DH can't make BM not baby YSS, but he can make YSS not be a baby in his presence. It's amazing what the kid WILL do for DH that he won't do for BM.
I've no doubt about that but
I've no doubt about that but SD didn't bring her backpack for homework so she had to get back to BM's asap and took the polish with her. I offered to show her but of course she didn't want to put in any effort. And this is also why I'm wondering how SD would be if DH stayed with BM..
Again, why didn't DH toss her
Again, why didn't DH toss her toe nail Clippers, tell her to sit, and do them before she went back? It takes 2 minutes to clip toenails. It's not like It's an arduous, time-consuming process. DH could also tell BM that she can hold on until SD is done. If she didn't have time to clip her toenails, then she didn't have time to have her hair done. Personal hygiene and care is just as important as homework.
ILD you need to stop worrying
ILD you need to stop worrying about this stuff, stop letting it get to you! You’re wasting so much energy on menial crap like this & it’s not doing you any good.
There are plenty of things my SS’s don’t do for themselves that I did at their ages. I do what I can to influence it, but ultimately they aren’t my kids. *Not your circus, not your monkeys*
I care very much for my SS’s, but I can’t force BM or DH to do things the way I would do them. I offer my suggestions to DH, he either acts on it or he doesn’t & I leave it at that. It saves my sanity. You genuinely need to stop letting this stuff get the better of you. If your DH & BM want to be cutting this girls toenails or whatever else until she’s a grown woman, that’s their choice. Focus on yourself & your DD.
Most of these skids would be
Most of these skids would be exactly the same if their parents had not divorced. It's not the divorce that causes it, it's the crappy parenting.
MY SD has the same kind of
MY SD has the same kind of hair. I used the wet to dry curlers the day of my wedding. Her hair HAD TO BE AT LEAST 1 DAY DIRTY. I pulled a wet handful, slathered it in mousse, and curled it. She wore the curlers all day and they stayed long enough for pictures and until she started dancing; approximately 3 hours.
Lince you are limited for time, you may have to use a blow dryer on the wet hair in the curlers.
I am only going to comment on
I am only going to comment on the hair - I have the same problem and hair spray never helped.
I know you don't like heat styling but using a dry shampoo instead of hairspray does the trick. It adds the volume it needs to hold a curl. Dog bless my hair stylist who will sometimes curl my hair and it is what she uses. My hair lasts the night.