Serious and long- should we leave?
I live in Albuquerque, NM. The crime is absolutely horrible and DH's shop was robbed AGAIN (this time an entire back gate destroyed and a frikking CAR LIFT taken). I can't even count how many times it's been robbed and how much money has gone into repairing damage to customer's vehicles and the property. The city also sent him a summons for a $500 citation for not having a PERMIT TO HAVE AN ALARM. APD has responded to multiple alarms and have never had enough evidence to put anyone in jail for the break ins. Luckily today, they did catch the guys who stole the lift and got it back.
My mom lives just outside of SLC and has been trying to get us to move there for years. Now with the baby and DH being sick of the loss and stress of the shop, we're seriously considering it. My mom will watch the baby and I can get a license to work in UT. My NM state license expires at the end of May and the schedule for June isn't out yet. I want to take the baby at the end of May to UT to start looking for work and give DH time to tie up loose ends here and will come up with the dogs when we find a place. In the meantime, baby and I would stay with my mom.
BUT we know BM will never let SD come and legally, SD must remain in NM until 18. DH would try to fly home every month or two to see her and expect to get her on breaks.. What do we do? Run and start over? I don't know what to do anymore.
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I think it is a mistake to move away from a child
I assume DH now has a an alarm permit. Can he up his system, and and get some exterior cameras?
There is crime everywhere.
There is crime everywhere. I don't see this as a good enough reason for DH to move away from his daughter. If he wants to move his shop, couldn't he move to a better part of the city or to one of the suburbs? He can get a good alarm system and cameras and talk to the police department about some extra patrols.
Wouldn't it be hard to open a new shop in a new city? Have you done any research on the need for mechanics or the cost of shop rent in SCL?
I understand your frustration - but I just don't see how DH could justify leaving his daughter because his shop keep getting broken in to. You have no guarantee that the exact same thing isn't going to happen in a new location.
What will your husband do
What will your husband do about work? It would be silly to close his shop(source of income) and move out of state unless he has secured a job.
He has children to help support. Making the choice to be unemployed at this point in his life isn't smart
If the shop is the source of major stress/concerns, why not get rid of it and get a regular 9-5? That way the problems with the business are gone, he will have a steady income and be close to both of his children.
Really? The only alternative
Really? The only alternative is to move to Utah? Okay. Nice try and if you get your husband to fall for it, that's on him.
"BUT we know BM will never let SD come"
Haha. Like you want SD to come with.
Pretty sure BM will never let
Pretty sure BM will never let SD come is just what OP wants.
This move may be in SD's best
This move may be in SD's best interest. It will give her an opportunity to finally get off of the OP's hot and cold, emotional roller coaster.
Oh yeah I agree with you. SD
Oh yeah I agree with you. SD could be candidate for sainthood and OP would find something wrong with the girl.
My ex lives in CA. We live in
My ex lives in CA. We live in VA. My kids fly there for 8 weeks in the summer, spring break, EO thanksgiving and 1/2 of winter break. ExH and his wife fly here (her family is local) 2-3 time a year for long weekends.
it isn't bad. There are like 2 months a year they don't see each other. You can make it work.
Since it isn't so bad,
Since it isn't so bad, perhaps the OP should consider having her husband stay put while she moves with the baby.
When you say SD legally must
When you say SD legally must remain in NM until she's 18, what does that mean? She's not allowed to leave the state? Your DH wouldn't be able to get some kind of long distance visitation where she would visit him in Utah for a good chunk of the summer and school breaks?
Obviously this would be a good move for you - you'd have a trusted babysitter for DD, I'd think you could make more working in SLC, you'd be near your family, which would be nice for when your DH is being an ass. But what about your H? What would he do for a job? How troubled is he about not seeing SD every week? Since you guys are barely making ends meet as is, how often would he be able to afford to travel to visit SD? Will your financial situation significantly improve in the move or do you figure things will be the same?
You have to make sure your DH is totally on board for the move and what it means with respect to SD and his career/business. In the heat of the moment, and with the frustration from repeated break-ins, he might make an immediate decision he will regret and be very resentful about later.
“Wherever you go, there you
“Wherever you go, there you are”. You dont escape troubles by simply moving away, troubles will follow you unless big change takes place.
I think your DH needs to get a normal job with benefits, if he is a mechanic then get a mechanic job in a nice dealership. His business doesn’t bring much income as you two constantly struggle up to the point that you are now on government assistance. Clearly he is doing something wrong if after years of owning business he isn’t doing well. He can just get a normal job. He is not a teenager so time to live well.
Nothing wrong with moving out of state if you have good prospects and secure job. But it doesn’t sound so. If your license expires, why aren’t you renewing it even if you want to move? It doesn’t make sense to let it lapse.
This
I was thinking of this too. I checked and there are many of mechanic jobs at dealers in Phoenix that pay well, with benefits.
I know ton of car mechanics.
I know ton of car mechanics. It might not be the most lucrative career but it’s a stable income and most certainly none of the ones i know are on welfare. They also have benefits so they aren’t on state insurance being supported by taxpayers.
I know one person who insists on running her business (providing some service to people), it’s a joke really, she is on welfare and can’t pay her bills because her so called business brings zero income yet she still wouldn’t go get a job.
Thats ridiculous way to live.
I lived in cities my entire
I lived in cities my entire adult life until recently. I've had three burglaries, an assault, a pit bull mauled my dog to death, a stalker. I'd find needles in the yard, a guy OD'd in front of my house, someone ran their car into the front of my house...it just never ended.
Finally, we packed it in and moved to the suburbs. I felt like I was giving up. I hate the suburbs. But about two years after we moved, I realized how much time I'd wasted being afraid and worrying. I realized I could breathe again. I realized it had been YEARS since I'd walked outside after dark! I'd found this ease of daily life that I didn't even realized I'd lost being on my guard all those years in cities.
Move. There is no replacement for your life or your peace of mind. Even if you don't move out of state, find yourself a safer place until the kid is out of school. You'll love not having to worry about alarms and getting that call in the middle of the night.
No one is suggesting she live or DH work in a dangerous area
People are just suggesting that the first step is for her DH to look for a salaried position, with benefits at a dealer, etc., close enough that he could see his oldest child
I live in the metro area of
I live in the metro area of the most dangerous city in the US. Albequrque is not even on the list of dangerous cities lol
But we work, full time, so we live in the wealthiest city of my entire state not just metropolitan area. I am not rich at all . Just comfortable enough to not live in bad areas. I don’t worry about danger because there is no danger by me.
You two need to get full time jobs, maybe one of you can get two jobs so you make enough to live in a nice area regardless what state you are in.
Otherwise when you move to SLC you’ll eventually end up in a bad area again because you just can’t afford living nicely. Your DH needs to stop dumping money on alcohol and pot as it’s very expensive and needs to focus on providing for the family otherwise you’d always live like you do now.
Every area has bad and good neighborhoods. People live where they can afford. If they want to live in a good safe area they have to make a better living. It’s the truth everywhere in the world no matter what country or state.
It sounds great but too much
It sounds great but too much baggage. I dont think I'd ever get DH to move away but Id nove to Antarctica to be skid free
How is SD not allowed to
How is SD not allowed to “legally” leave the state if a court ordered visitation / child support case has never been established?
If I recall correctly, your DH is too scared of the family court system to initiate any of this, and BM has too much of a sweet gig going on, because she steamrolls you guys to death, insisting y’all do a large portion of parenting, etc.
In my opinion, it would probably be in everyone’s best intest to put literal distance in place - DH’s work situation aside.
And I agree with everyone else. I’m very familiar with that city. I have spent a lot of time there, and it IS exceptionally high in the crime department.