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SD finally got back to me

I love dogs's picture

I texted her on Tuesday to tell her that if she or her friend needed help getting ready that I'd be more than happy. She said "I'll ask my mom" so I didn't expect to hear back, especially with the CPS drama. This morning she asked if I could paint her nails today because her dance starts at 5pm and her school lets out at 3 (at least DH won't be late to dinner at my dad's tomorrow). I told him he better make sure the 4 kids he's dropping off have rides home because my dad lives on the other side of town and that would just be ridiculous to have to carpool them home.

SD is getting dropped off about 2 after a dentist appt this afternoon and I'm going to buy the DIY brow waxing kit, too. I offered to braid her hair but she said she'd prefer curls over waves so that's fine. The other day she said she needed help with hair and makeup and BM doesn't get off until 4pm but I won't force myself on her.

DH is driving SD and her friends but I know BM must still make her presence known so she can turn on the waterworks and proclaim "how grown up" her baby is. Puke. Maybe I'll hint to SD that it would be smarter to get ready over here and she can just send BM pictures but I know that won't happen. I can't wait until my baby girl needs help with things like this. Wait, I can. The booger is already 7 weeks :*) tear.


lieutenant_dad's picture

Don't complain when this blows up in your face. You had the opportunity to be disengaged by not saying a single thing to her. Don't get mad if she acts ungrateful or BM shows up for pictures or whatever else. You're bringing whatever happens - good or bad - on yourself.

If she needs her nails done, hair done, make-up done, BM or DH could have handled it. Your DH has two daughters and should either be able to do some basic make-up or have a stylist on speed dial (somewhat kidding there). You stepping in makes him a weaker parent than he already is. So don't complain when you're upset after this.

I love dogs's picture

Thanks for the encouragement, Debbie. I guess.. I am the stylist that DH "has on speed dial", btw, and am talented in styling hair and doing makeup. BM has no idea about that stuff but is too prideful to say so. SD's nails will be polished and her brows will be waxed so I'll call that my contribution. I did her hair for picture day and it turned out really nice. Her hair is getting really long and BM's solution is chopping it all off so she didn't have to deal with it.

I get it. I'm not her mom no matter how much better I am at these things than BM. BM will always get the glory. Hopefully one day SD will remember these little things that I do.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Not Debbie. YOU have said you want to disengage. YOU have said that you don't trust SD after the CPS thing. YOU said you don't want to deal with the drama. YOU said you don't want to be a parent to SD.

Yet, here you are. In the thick of it. Doing something you don't need to do, and being DH's savior versus making him figure out how SD will get her hair and nails done.

You literally JUST posted 2 other blogs this week about how you didn't want to be involved. So why on God's green earth did you volunteer?!

This has nothing to do with replacing BM and everything to do with you creating your own misery.

ETA: My DH is better at video games than BM, but that doesn't make him a better parent. Being stably employed and being able to provide for his kids, making them shower and get haircuts, forcing them to own up to their mistakes, and making them be polite and respectful does.

What you're doing doesn't make you better than BM. What you're doing just makes you the fun aunt. It is not required for a BM to be girly and do girly things. Your ability to do make-up and hair doesn't make you the better parent, or even a parent. It just means you have a skill that BM doesn't, and it doesn't speak to her quality as a parent.

I love dogs's picture

Then so be it. SD is a human being and this is my issue, not hers. She's never going away and I want our relationship to stop being so awkward.

I love dogs's picture

I am a genuinely nice person and want SD to feel special. I am helping her with her nails since she asked me. I want DH to know that I care about her, even if it's a small gesture.

Siemprematahari's picture

It's a beautiful thing, you're a nice person but in the same breath you complain about XY&Z in regard to SD. This is why I wonder if you are a glutton for punishment. It comes out of your heart to do nice things for her regardless if she appreciates it or not but to complain afterwards when you don't get the recognition, really defeats the purpose.


I love dogs's picture

As I said, it is my issue, not hers. I am the adult here and am trying to act as such. SD will never be my DD but I'm trying to treat SD as equally to my DD as I can. Being a BM now has really been messing with my emotions.

hereiam's picture

That is fine but if you WANT to do these nice gestures, do them and

Being bitter about it not going how you want, or because you don't feel appreciated, or BM, DH, or SD piss you off, or whatever, makes the gestures less genuine.

Genuinely nice people do things for others with NO expectation as to the outcome.

I love dogs's picture

You're exactly right. I'm still mourning the fact that DH had a family before me.. 8 years later, unfortunately.

notsobad's picture

I think you are doing the right thing. SD isn't perfect but neither are we.


I think you are doing the right thing. SD isn't perfect but neither are we.

If SD never remembers this, if you never get a thank you, if no one ever sees how much you've given it doesn't matter. You did it because you are nice kind person.

Sometimes it's ok to engage and do things for people who don't care, not for any accolades or praise or recognition but just because it's the decent, nice thing to do!

I love dogs's picture

Thank you. I am telling myself this today. I'll never have experiences with SD like DD and I'm working to accept that.

I love dogs's picture

If nothing else, she will be a little more confident. I told her I was excited and she said she was too so that makes me happy.

Monkeysee's picture

If BM swoops in for the ‘glory’, you need to learn to be ok with that if you’re going to keep doing these things for SD. 

I do plenty of nice things for the boys, but I don’t see it as a competition with BM & I know full well that they likely won’t give me near the amount of credit for what I do for them as my own kids will. It is what it is when you’re a SP.

I wouldn’t blame BM at all for wanting to be involved, even if you’re better at that kind of stuff. SD is still her DD. It’s not a competition between you, you’ll lose every time you set out to be better than her in any way. 

If you’re a nice person & want things to be less awkward with SD, then do THAT. Just do whatever you do for SD & leave it at that. Hopefully one day she’ll appreciate it, but you’ve got no control over whether she will or not.

I love dogs's picture

This is exactly what I needed to read today. I'll have these experiences with my DD sooner than I know. I want SD to know I care about her because I do. Being a SM has ruined my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Well, maybe BM.

Disneyfan's picture

"Maybe I'll hint to SD that it would be smarter to get ready over here and she can just send BM pictures but I know that won't happen. I can't wait until my baby girl needs help with things like this. "


You are passive aggressively push BM out of doing something with HER daughter that you can't wait to do with your own.


It is absolutely ridiculous to think mom will not show up.  You keep trying to paint as an awful BM, bit your posts continue to reveal that she really isn't.

The crazy BMs posted about here, would have skipped work before allowing a SM to help their daughters get ready for a dance.

I love dogs's picture

I said maybe. Where's your sense of humor? Does not being a SM anymore take that away? I said I'll consider nails and brows my contribution. If she asks for my help with hair and makeup, I will accommodate as best I can. If not, DH can figure out when and where to pick her and her friends up tomorrow.

Disneyfan's picture

There's nothing funny about the crap you keep doing to that child.  There's nothing funny about trying to marginalize a parent.

I love dogs's picture

I didn't do or say anything to SD to marginalize BM. I don't "do" anything to SD except limit contact since December.

beebeel's picture

So I'm going to break this down for you: You don't really enjoy doing these things for sd; She isn't grateful to you for doing them; but you keep inserting yourself to do them. Why? I think because you like showing up the BM. Just stop it. Not all women are super into hair, makeup and nails. 

Harry's picture

You are Just making excuses.  SD is only using you to get what she wants.  Then she will be back to being SM little baby girls and throw you under the bus again.  Have fun,  

diamonds-and-lace's picture

Why on earth would you consider hinting to SD that she should get entirely ready at your house? Why would you try to take that away from her mother? How would you feel if you do end up separating from your husband and his new partner did that to you with your daughter? Why is it “puke” worthy BM to be excited about her daughter growing up? Aren’t you excited about seeing yours grow up? Why do you say things like you hate SD and push her so far away from you while at the same time trying to coerce her into situations that prioritize you over her mother?

These aren’t things a nice person does. A nice person takes up their SD’s request for a mani and does it solely because she likes her SD, not because of some desired outcome. A nice person says yes to painting nails and waxing brows without conditions or strings. SD is going to look at you the wrong way during this and you’re going to blow up and say something to your DH about how you hate her etc etc etc. Stop putting this poor girl through the wringer. She must be so confused about what you expect from her.

shamds's picture

its going to end up in resentment because clearly you are being taken for granted but treated like crap with no respect but somehow are suckered or guilted into doing these things.

there is a saying thats popped up on steptalk a few times and that is “you can’t care more than the parents do”.

obviously hair and makeup/nails you would expect to be mums forte unless daddy is a hairdresser/beautician (highly unlikely), so either bio mum does it or hubby arranges a stylist to glam her up a bit or she goes to a dance scruffy looking

i know that may seem cruel or harsh but noone can guilt you for not doing your part because this isn’t your responsibility at all.

i do not go out of my way for skids because they do not deserve it 1 bit and my hubby does not guilt me at all for feeling that way as he understands completely with the way they have treated me and how hubby for solong enabled and encouraged that behaviour to continue for so long...

when you are taken for granted, you are walked over. If you let them treat you this way they think they can always treat you this way. If you stand up for yourself, sure they may still continue with that same behaviour but the difference is you stood up for yourself

I love dogs's picture

I understand that it's not my responsibility, but I want her to have a good time. I really do. DH didn't ask for my help at all so I'm sure my contribution ends tonight.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I think it is very nice for you to do her nails and brows and be ready to help if she wants it for her hair and make up. I think you should approach the situation regarding getting ready with the "hope for the best, but expect the worst" attitude. You may end up getting thanked for whatever contribution you have in helping her get ready and you may not. Sounds like this is her first dance so you have no idea how the getting ready will evolve and end up. If she does say thank you for your help in getting ready, that is fantastic and I am happy for you. If she does not say thank you or gives credit elsewhere, then you know for next time to not offer or get involved at all. This will give you a pretty good indication of where your relationship with her stand IMO.

I think it is nice that since you weren't taking her up on the let's go get our nails done that she instead asked you to paint her nails (unless I missed some blow up from the last I read from you). To me it is a compromise on both of your parts, you didn't give in and take her to get her nails done because yours were already done and she didn't say well forget you then since you won't take me. Many will probably disagree, but I think it is a happy medium, especially when I am sure a teenage girl could paint her own nails, she doesn't "need" you to do them.

I also don't think you are pushing BM out of the way. I think it is more of if you help SD get all ready you don't want her trying to take credit for your contribution to getting SD ready. Also, sounds like if she made her presence known, that you would be seeing her and you don't want to see her. Which if I was in the situation and either of those things happened I wouldn't be happy about them either.

I hope it goes well for everyone, dances are supposed to fun as is the getting ready for them part!

I love dogs's picture

Thank you. I think getting ready for a dance is just as important as showing up. This isn't her first one but that's because BM always monopolizes, of course.

SD's professional manicure we got done almost 3 weeks ago was gel and with the peeling and price, it's much cheaper to do them at home. I think polish chipping is better than peeling gel nails anyway. I'm going to offer to pin curl her hair so it's easier than using an iron tomorrow and it'll also ease up much needed getting ready time. Wish us luck!

SM12's picture

I did the first bra, teaching about periods, boys, prom and all the rest with my SD.   I was there for all the big milestones from 5 yrs old and older.   BM was unfit and 90% out of the picture.   It didn’t matter in the end.  I didn’t matter one bit and it didn’t save our relationship.  In the end...BM is the MOTY and I was pushed out of the picture.   So although I do get what you are doing...don’t do it hoping it will solidify your place in her life.  It won’t.   One day you will be pushed out and BM will always take center stage in your SD’s life.   Just look to doing all those things with your own BD.

Lit'l Bit's picture

SD was about 17, DD was 14-15. I took them to Victoria Secrets and let them pick out undies. Up until then SD was wearing JC Penney granny panties. I told SD that if it upset her Mom to let me know because I didn't want to cause any waves. Her Mom didn't care and SD didn't appreciate the thought. Many Many little things like that through the years. SD was around 2 when me and DH got together.  SD and her Mom does not get along but It doesn't really matter SD will always select her mom over me.  This is really okay. The things I did were from my heart and not for brownie points but it does sting a little when it almost is expected rather than a nice jester. I sit back and think about it and my kids are the ones getting less because Dh is buy for SD I am buying for SD and her Mom is buying for her. So why is it always poor SD'S and SS.

Livingoutloud's picture

Is this dance competition for dance team she is in or dance class? Then I think it’s important everyone makes it a priority. If it’s just dance at the middle school, I really can’t relate to all the hoopla. Sure you want to dress up and stuff but I am a bit taken aback with necessity of professional make up and brows wax and gel nails etc for a young girl, is it all needed at a middle school?

And mom not being make up and nail polish guru doesn’t make her a bad parent. It really has no meaning and no bearing on parenting skills  

I notice a lot of your blogs are about nails, make up and hair. Granted I like to look nice too but this seems to be a bit of preoccupation. Next time SD asks for make up session, take her to a museum or a library. It’ll be more valuable in a long run. 

I hope it’s dance competition and she is a performer.