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Poll- would your husband:

I love dogs's picture

Demand (or request: pick your poison) a DNA test for your mutual kids if skids weren't biologically his after raising them for over a decade?

My DH said he would never in his right mind make such a request of me (the love of his life) but would feel very hurt and deceived if SD wasn't biologically his after 12 years of rearing-she is his clone so this is all hypothetical.

Comments

BethAnne's picture

My husband might. He is human and worried and insecurities affect us all. I would hope he would be more calm and ask in a more healthy way than the other posters husband did. I would willingly agree to the test however he asked.

Peridwen's picture

My DH said if it were him, he would want one desperately for the reassurance, but he would not ask it of me. On the flip side I would have been offering the test to him without him asking because I love him and care about his mental health. I also wouldn't have bashed him over the head with a celebratory dinner and a long list of new rules that culminated in me barring the non-bio kid from our house if I didn't like his behavior. Especially not immediately after finding out about the DNA when he was still floundering and dealing with it.

IMHO that OP contributed to her DH's downward spiral and now he's lashing out at the world. He's not treating her like a wife he can trust because she showed him that he CAN'T trust her to support him. So she's also lost the ability to be the person that could have been the voice of reason to him in this time. That OP now has a DH who's become irrational and bitter and will need outside help to figure out his issues, and may destroy his finances and his marriage before he gets that help. She needs to protect her kids future and I think she's gotten some good advice on that. Her DH needs help and hopefully they can find a counselor and/or a lawyer who can get through to him.

I feel sorry for Ramblin, her DH, and especially her kids.

oneoffour's picture

I would. But I would tell DH that if he took this path I would expect $1000 for each test that proves he is the father of our hypothetical children. Either he trusts me or he doesn't. And if he doesn't then he can pay for that privilege. Is this cold hearted? Yes, But in my DHs world things are black and white. So either he believes or doesn't. I would not make this about me and trusting me but would he want to pony up a few thousand to prove my fidelity or infidelity.

twoviewpoints's picture

Honestly, IMO, this is a poll question that can be accurate answers that truly reflect what 'our' DH/SO/BF/DF would do or not do.

You're asking the question to 99.999999% women. A gender that will never have to find out what's it's like for her male partner to lie/be in error about the biological mother of your joint child/children. We, as women, know we were their for conception, carried the child the entire pregnancy, went through the labor process and then witnessed each and every one of our own biological children come out of us and be placed on our stomachs as we glazed adoringly at our bundle of joy. We can have no doubts. We don't have to trust anyone. That child is ours from the time conceived until the moment of death.

So I think before dozens and dozens members reply with 'My DH would absolutely never do that to me', 'Certainly not, my DH respects me and our relationship', or whatever the words that will be used that it needs to be remembered that this is something you (general you) can ever experience from the male's side.

Oh sure, 'we' could all run and ask him right now and report his response that he lovingly said 'oh, honey, no, never, I love and trust you with all my heart and soul and I know without a shadow of a single doubt that you would never even think of being disloyal and I would never ask you such a thing, In fact, how disrespectful and degrading for any husband to ever request of his partner in life sole mate' *followed up with a gazillion little kisses*

Or at least any man with a lick of sense in his head and desires to remain married would say if he , himself, wasn't actually finding himself in the same situation as the man in the blog that prompted this poll question.

goodtimes2's picture

If my spouse was going through something this tramatic and painful I would absolutely do whatever I could to help him cope. That's what unconditional love is.

still learning's picture

Too bad the DH in this case doesn't have unconditional love for his wife or their children together. It seems like the only one he really loves and is willing to sacrifice for is ss.

notsobad's picture

Ok wait, unconditional love is doing whatever it takes to help him cope?

So you love him no matter what he demands of you and/or your children?
It's ok for him to love conditionally but not you?

Nope, unconditional love is loving a child whether it's yours or not. Unconditional love is finding out that the child isn't your but STILL loving both the child.

Conditional love is only giving your love if certain conditions are met, like proving paternity.

goodtimes2's picture

I'm not sure why you took my reply so personally, the OP asked a question and I answered it honestly. There was no need to project all over my reply, but whatever.

My SO and I have been together for a very long time, and have been through a lot worse then this situation. We have dealt with the horrible and tragic death of a child together, amongst other things, and have come out together on the other side. When I say that I would do whatever it took to help him, I most definitely mean it. I don't keep score or play games. THAT'S what unconditional love is TO ME.

Disneyfan's picture

Unconditional love could also mean staying with a spouse who beats the crap out of you.

Everyone should have deal breakers when it comes to a mate.

hereiam's picture

No, my husband would not ask me for a DNA test if we had kids together.

Both of his ex wives cheated on him, he has never accused me of cheating on him and he knows that I never would.

strugglingSM's picture

No, he wouldn't. We don't have kids, but if we did, I know he wouldn't.

His kids with BM are IVF, but if they weren't, I think he'd be befuddled as to how she got another man to sleep with her. He's told me that he found BM repulsive even when they were dating and he was sort of sheepish when he told me, so I know he wasn't just saying it to be mean. Now, why did he marry her anyway, you'd ask (especially because she wasn't overly nice to him, either)? Still trying to answer that question myself. He's told me he was just grieving for his father and his mother told him that he was in his mid-20s and should be married by now...both terrible reasons to get married!

SMto2's picture

I doubt my DH would ever ask, if for no other reason, both our boys have his features (people comment all the time that the youngest is his clone.) Interestingly, DH & I have discussed that he has his doubts that oldest SS is his, since he in no way resembles DH, and BM cheated on him throughout their marriage. In fact, oldest SS looks the most like his younger sister who is BM's with her DH whom she married within a month of the divorce from my DH. Over the years, we talked about a DNA test for oldest SS and my DH said he would not want to know for sure and it would not change his feelings for SS.

Having said all that, if my DH asked for paternity tests for our 2 DSs, I'd agree just to ease his mind & try not to be offended.

Kirby's picture

I think that is one of those things as a woman we can't fully understand the what's behind it. There are plenty of things in the world men will never fully get, but that is one I don't think we will. I definitely think some men are more less emotional (maybe that's the word I want I don't know) or more trusting or just don't worry about that but if you married the kind of guy whose brain runs that way don't play dumb, we all know who we are with. Most people don't change overnight so if your have been together and know as much you can who eachpther are and he asked you for that, I'd sat it's pretty bitch and relationship killing to say no. And selfish. Both me and my dh are not run of the mill we are both a little crazy and definitely emotional in our own way. And sensitive and overthinkers. He did get a DNA test on his ss, but he also didn't find out until 3 or 4months and they hadn't been together for about that time or longer. And they were a 20. And while she was pregnant she had her ex over to his apt he let her stay in. I understand his reasoning for that. I don't think he would ask me to, but I also wouldn't deny him or stress it if he did. Accept and love the man your with or leave. Don't pretend they are someone else to make your life easier and get offended by who they are when something big happens.

Thumper's picture

IF I held the key to easing my husbands mind, AFTER finding out the kid/s HE was bamboozled , suckered into thinking were his.....you bet your boots I would.

No questions asked Smile MY dh would not have to ask IF the above for mentioned was finally told to him.

Everyone is different.

StrawberryBlueberry's picture

No. We're not sure whether SD is REALLY DH's daughter. She's 13 now and DH has been raising her like his own child for the past 13 years. I don't know why he didn't get a DNA test when she was born or even before then, because Hex was cheating on him for their entire relationship, but once he found out Hex was pregnant, he proposed and they got married a month after SD was born, even though Hex treated him HORRIBLY. He REALLY wanted a family. He always has wanted a family. So he just assumed SD was his and has raised her as such ever since. He refuses to get a DNA test now, because he has been raising SD since she was a baby, even when SD's mother abandoned her to do drugs, and SD is 'his' daughter, whether she is biologically or not. They do look pretty similar, but Hex was cheating on DH with someone that looked very much like DH.
So no, he would never demand or request a DNA test if he somehow found out that SD really isn't his, which would only happen if he took a paternity test and it came back that he isn't her bipdad. But DH won't take the DNA test and Hex sure as heck won't have it done.

Maxwell09's picture

I’d do it. I read the other blog the other day of the upset OP because her DH was asking for one based off their rocky relationship and his past with BM. To me it’s not about mistrust it’s about reaffirming that she is his person who wouldn’t betray him. My husband already had a paternity test done on SS because BM would try to hurt him by creating doubt. I told him I wasn’t living an “ours” life on BMs terms so he needs to get it over with and take that power in doubt away. If he asked I’d say sure thing but he’s have to do all the leg work and pay for it. When there’s no doubt, as in my case and the other poster, then you should understand that her DH is going through something. He can’t figure out what it is but he’s pin pointing anything he can think of to narrow it down and in this case what’s bothering him is being hoodwinked by his Ex about “his” children. Now he’s trying to cope, recover and some guys avoid dealing with their issues by causing a stink in other places of their lives. Don’t fall for it, give him the answer he needs and eventually he will have to face what’s really causing his problems.