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Announcing pregnancy to my dad (and SM)

I love dogs's picture

Long story short, my dad is pretty much the only one who doesn't know about baby. We wanted to wait to make sure we got through the first trimester and so far, so good! I also wanted to show him the ultrasound strip. So DH and I are taking him to lunch tomorrow. Now here is my dilemma: I have never been close to my SM and DH doesn't care for her one bit. She is very judgey and condescending and DH doesn't like to be around her for fear of saying the wrong thing to her (in response to her rude, ignorant comments) and disrespecting my dad. He has a very good relationship with my dad but SM is just a miserable person and everyone who has met her feels that way.

I asked DH if it would be the right thing to do to invite SM to lunch, too. She is going to find out either way. DH said absolutely not and he doesn't even want her to be apart of our baby's life. She is cordial to SD when she has been around her, but that's maybe a few times a year. But if it were me, I'd want my SD to invite me to lunch to announce to her dad, especially if her DH was there, but SD and I have a better relationship than I do with my own SM. I think so, anyway. 

Does anyone have any advice, thoughts? SM has been in my life for almost 20 years, and while our relationship isn't amazing, I still respect her as my dad's wife and that's why I keep my distance with her- because she really can get under my skin but I remain silent and ignore. That's just how she is. DH can't seem to grasp that. She isn't changing anytime soon and she still has feelings. 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

I think that you have probably seen a lot of posts on here with similar issues but from the perspective of the SM.  In general, the SM's feel slighted by not being included even if they have a mutually unhappy relationship with their stepchildren.  They still feel they should be included with their spouses.

I agree with you and think you should offer to include SM in the lunch.  I would also expect she may say or do something you or your DH won't like.  I would be prepared to try to ignore any barbs for the sake of your dad.  Look, she is a long time partner of his and for whatever reason HE loves her and sees the good in her.  I think that it is possible for you and your husband to make it through a lunch in her presence.  I mean, we all have to tolerate people we don't like for one reason or another.. a boss, coworker.. relative etc... 

So, I think the right thing to do is invite her.  If she chooses not to attend.. fine.  But at least it won't be something she can add to her imaginary list of grievances.  Whether she is around your child once it is born.. again, as long as you don't feel she is an absolute danger.. perhaps a baby will melt her heart?  stranger things have happened.

I think you can take the higher road here.  honestly the downside is much bigger if she isn't at least invited.

 

marblefawn's picture

Congratulations!

I say invite her too!

This is a happy occasion -- use that to convince your husband it's worth biting his tongue for two hours. She might not even come, and then you're all off the hook but still get credit for the invitation. Cha-ching! Money in the bank!

classyNJ's picture

I have a cousin that is the same way.  So negative and judgey.  We have all just started giving her the mouth open stare when she is being rude or condescending.  And I mean everyone but her husband.  Bless his heart.  He is catching on and just blushes.  

I would invite her out of respect for my dad.  I can understand your DH not wanting her to be part of your childs life but that maybe hard since he wants your dad to be there. 

Congratulations!!!!

twoviewpoints's picture

You seem to run hot and cold with your SM. Previously, you've occasionally referred to your Dad and SM as "my Dad and Mom" and "my parents"... it's been pretty recently SM has become downgraded and become barely tolerable SM in your postings. 

Anyway, just an observation. None of my business. 

If you want to tell SM, do so. Your DH is being silly if he believes he can pull the old 'that woman will have nothing to do with my baby' card and not have it seriously affect your relationship with your father. The woman has never mistreated (excluded your SO) in any of their parties and/or BBQ get forgathers et. She has never not feed him, SD and tried to be a decent host (albeit , an ignorant annoying one). The woman tries. 

If DH wants to do lunch with his FIL and just you, if I were you, I would invite Sm to do coffee with just you shortly before the lunch and have a ladies only announcement. Share your news, show her the sonograms , tell her you've got to run as DH has a short lunch hour and you're meeting Dad in a bot to tell him. Ask her to keep the secret for a couple hours and then she can text your father and congrats him on being a grandpa. 

Or just invite Sm to lunch. 

I imagine your SM (even though having plenty of faults of her own) has seen way to much of how your life has been with your DH, his parenting, the financial hardships blah blah blah, I would think she's just as unimpressed with your DH as your Dh seems to be with her. They don't have to like  each other. Basic politeness and civility is all that is needed. 

Harry's picture

It is the right thing to do. It’s respectful to her,  Be the Bigger person.  Share the joy with her. You never know what will happen. Congratulations 

I love dogs's picture

I ended up inviting SM and she thanked me but declined because she can't take long lunches at work right now. So I told her not to tell dad, but.... I sent her an ultrasound pic! I hope she can keep it a secret until we tell him. 

I love dogs's picture

Thank you. Maybe she'll feel special that she knows first. And she said congrats and asked when the due date is, etc. I'm happy with this.

NeedaFunDay's picture

I think you should tell them both together at lunch. Who knows? Maybe this will be something to break the ice between you two. It's too bad she's the way she is, and that's pretty terrible. But I would want to know.

SD22 had a miscarrage a few months ago. When she and her husband first found out they were pregnant, they waited to tell my DH and me together (he works third shift, and I work days). We were so happy for them.

She lost the baby a few days later.

I've been a SD and am a SM. Either way I would tell all my parental figures.