Hi. I just found this website yesterday while looking for some support questions... and very glad I found a forum to voice my concern/frustration.
I am a year and a half into a relationship with my FDH. He has two daughters 12 and 14. I have an adult (19) son on his own.
When I met FDH he talked about the great relationship he had with the BM. He is very involved with the girls activities and he sees them every other weekend. As we got more serious, he confided that he was paying 1/2 of his child support because he had been laid off and recently landed a FT job at a much lesser amount. I asked if this agreement was thru the state and he said no, the BM agreed and was very cool about it. I voiced my concerns at the time but was assured it was all good. I moved in with him, and within a month of me moving in he landed a higher paying position in his company. He was going to surprise BM by paying full amount plus extra. I had JUST spent a couple hundred on each girl for school clothes - including underwear as their stuff was ungodly small and worn...the week before he got his new pay raise on his check - he got paperwork from the state stating how his wages would be garnished for back support on top of paying full support. It broke my heart to see his pain and feeling of betrayal. No conversations with him, just reported him... No, I didn't scream I told you so... so he stopped talking to her for awhile, but they do not communicate ANYTHING... he avoids her and she is so insecure she can't even hold a conversation. I advocate communication as he deserves to know their health status dental status etc... he pays the insurance and bills. Both girls are overweight and lazy. They feast on fast food and junk at BM house. I only offer healthy choices and no candy or pop. My FDH is very supportive of this as he is fit and athletic. Unfortunately when we are at functions for the kids, they sit together like old pals. I put a stop to that - as it isn't healthy or right. He respects my wishes and hasn't done that anymore.
BM has a college degree, certified paralegal, but choses to work a part time cashier job for minimum wage. She lives in her mothers house with the girls. They come over dirty, unbathed and their clothes are too small or ill fitting. Her car is paid, and from what I understand, no bills. It's frustrating that these kids have her as a role model. It didn't appear that she did fun things with them like pedicures etc...
I have a very large open heart - helping them in any way I can. Teaching them to do their hair, getting them clothes that flatter their plus size frames, and taking them on "dates" and spending time with them like I had done with my own child.
Shortly after I met them last year, they went to DisneyWorld with mom and grandma. The SD14 called dad daily asking him to send money - which I asked him not to but he did anyway... and guess what... when he filed his taxes this year, he was getting 2300 back and totally excited...until he got a letter from the IRS saying the BM got the entire thing. Boom, another DisneyWorld trip planned - TWO weeks worth... that is where they are now. How is this being paid and neither kid has new clothes for school that starts when they get back... one going into HS one into MS... neither should have to wear old stuff but I refuse to buy them a stitch of clothing when mom can afford to do a two week vacation like that.
I make better money than my FDH. In preparation for this trip I bought each girl an entire outfit head to toe including more underwear. That turned into "you need to get me this for my trip" to which I said "no YOUR mother needs to buy you stuff" I only purchased one outfit for you guys as a fun date... At separate times I explained to each girl that they make me feel like all I am is a money tree for the things they think they deserve but will not ask either parent for. It got to the point where I couldn't even LOOK at the older one because she became so ugly with her entitlement. Her dad buys into this and tries to do whatever she asks - I see it as a plea for her to like him better... but he denies it. It is to the point that it could be a deal breaker for me.
FDH wants to get married before the end of the year. I don't want to do this because he is still in arears with child support and I make alot of money - and don't want BM to have my hard earned money. I am now being told that when we do get married - the state of WA can look at my income combined with his as "shared" income and his support may increase even more... yet BM isn't even working to her capacity. And I don't trust that she wouldn't try to get ahold of my income.
I don't know what to do. My FDH is on a business trip and I can't talk to him about it until he returns in ten days...
Thanks for listening... any guidance or words of encouragement are welcome... I know I am all over the place but I am baffled. I had great communication with the father of my son and we had a great agreement with child support and add'l help. I've never been involved with a man who had children of his own - and definitely not this dysfunctional in how they interact.
OK... done thank you!