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Childless "evil" step-mom seeking outlet for full time horror

HollyWoods's picture

Dear everyone,

This is my first blog posting and I have to say, THANK GOD! I have been vying for an outlet and a way to vent about my struggles. I don't have many friends (I tend to be introverted and a hermit) and especially no one that is in my unique situation.

I have been married since April 29th, 2017. I met my husband at a gas station. Yes, that's right. A gas station. It's a long, beautiful, amazing story- but that's not why I am here. I met him in 2015 and we dated off and on for a year before we got serious. I was married to an abusive husband prior and he had been married to a lazy, good for nothing wife- we both needed time. I met his children on Easter of 2016. They were unruly but sweet and he only saw them half the week. I moved in the summer of 16' and had decided we were going to get married anyway but immediately began to see the craziness of the kids. They ran amok, to say the least. No chores. No rules. No responsibilities. My DH had so much guilt from the divorce he let them do whatever they wanted. They slept in his bed (at the time 11 and 7), never picked up toys, never finished dinner and had snacks right after, watched tv and video games NONSTOP, and more. I am a teacher so I explained some developmental worries I had and he was so glad! He had always wanted to raise the children better but BM was always putting him down for being "mean" or "too harsh." So, DH made some changes. The kids didn't particularly like it but took to it to please him.

We moved into a house of our own December 2016 then got married April 2018. Upon moving, we got the kids more time because of some unacceptable conditions at BM's place (more on that another time). So we had them not half the week but Monday - Friday. It was hard- adjustments were made. Behaviors started to happen. We tried time outs, taking away allowance, token systems, taking toys away, taking outside time away- and more- but nothing really worked or stuck. Then, this summer we informed BM we were getting kids full time since she refused to change some of her behaviors which she informed us she was leaving the country. Never really explained to her children why and hasn't really had any contact with them.

It's been 4 months we have had them full time. We have run the gambit of issues from lying, stealing, killing my chickens, selective mutism...etc. The teacher in me has been sympathetic and understanding of their issues based on the trauma they have had. I get it. But, the teacher in me also says why should I be punished!? I have been on their side. Fought for them. But now it has come back to bite me in the butt. I tried being the best mom I could be and all the emotional turmoil has been for nothing. We have them in therapy now (and so am I) and it has felt so good to have my psychotherapist tell me they are doing these things to me on purpose but it doesn't help me cope.
DH is at the end of his rope too. And is so disappointed and disgusted with them. They are now doing all the things they have done to me in 3 years to him. I have had to take leave from work for 3 weeks because I have become a mess. I deal with difficult children at school then come home to it....I never get a break. I am seeking a new career and just want to be happy again. But they ruin my day/ life. The disrespect to DH is what REALLY gets me mad and I don't enjoy their presence. More than anything I want to throw them back to their mother like Merlin did with Excalibur..."Take it back Lady!" I was wrong. I thought I could do this. Thought if I just loved them enough, like my own, they would at least see it. I don't want to replace their mother. I just want to do better. I did, rather.

I no longer wish to be apart of their abuse and destruction. It's hard when they live here and are around all the time. I can't stand the sight of them and while I make sure they are fed I don't seek a conversation with them. I have to provide the basic necessities because all children must have them. But I do not seek to be anything other than their caretaker. It is not my job to be abused. It is my job to provide.

I can't wait for them to be gone and I am so glad I finally have a place I can say that. It is just a breath of fresh air to find other people who have the same problems as me! My heart aches for step-parents that have done their best to be good or just simply exist without causing too much fuss. But because of stories like Cinderella we get a bad rap! And I am looked upon as the evil- step mother because I exist. If I ever correct them it is because I instantly hate them. No. I instantly loved them because they were a piece of my husband. I lost that caring when I was beaten with everything I gave. And after 8 years with a husband that did that, I refuse to take it from 2 people who I didn't create.

I pray that this Christmas season all step-parents will get some reprieve and some magic happens. God works in mysterious ways and I just hope all the pain, suffering, frustration, and worries make us better people or just go away so we can laugh about it later like "Remember when we were miserable...heh heh...yea...not anymore.." I look forward to supporting others here and getting support, FINALLY. God bless!

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

Welcone and read around for advice. If the kids are in therapy and your DH is doing all he can (and I do mean ALL he can) to make this better, it's a tough call on what you should do. There ARE people who live apart from their spouse because of these very reasons. We, as SPs, can't save these kids. 

HollyWoods's picture

Believe me I am done playing Wonder woman. I have tried with all I have and I can no longer let my health and mental wellness decline because they choose to lie and manipulate. Thank you for the welcome. I have been reading a lot and getting good advice! 

beebeel's picture

Welcome! Yours is a familiar tale to many of us. I tried so hard for more than a decade to provide for, support and raise my skids in love and expectations. Nothing I did could counteract the damage done by their terrible mother.

It's good your skids are in therapy, a necessity that my skids never received. It will take time to see any results as the damage was dealt for years and years (and is ongoing due to their mom abandoning these kids). 

thinkthrice's picture

Just a heads up we have a few BM-only trolls who are on this site looking for new SMs who join to bash them and try to shame them away.  You have been warned.

Mumof8's picture

but this site is riddled with stories just like yours.  My story in particular is exactly like yours.  I even met my husband at a gas station.  Pretty much exactly my life (minus the school teacher part, but I do have two DDs at home now all day).  As a BM all the love you give comes back to you.  As a school teacher you will have respect for your efforts (at least from most of the kids and parents).  As a Step you will be hated equal to the love you give.  I was told that I wasn't their mother by my MIL, My SIL, My Sister, and by BM and her family.  Then in the next breath told I could t go on vacations because I was responsible for HER children.  I gave her a months notice before our out of State NY wedding.  The week we left I was told he shouldn't be marrying me because I was an irresponsible and bad Mother for making BM take the kids to someone she had to PAY to watch her kids on her parent time.  I replied that the kids were HER responsibility NOT mine.  I was left for nine months straight with her kids, DH was working out of town 2-3 weeks/mo.  As a result we got equal physical custody.  Woowww!!!!  A parent who is male getting equal custody after BM is arrested for Domestic vIolence in front of the kids, a stranger called the cops not DH and the state pressed charges because she flipped her lid in a preschool.  I have put in six years with these kids and DH, and I not BM have spent countless hours at Drs offices, hospitals, urgent cares, school recitals, and driven them to her on her days for that entire time.  I have driven and picked up ALL of her children from kindergarten and school Monday-Friday since January 2013.  I have taken them on constant outings.  I am still NOT their mommy.  They call me Mom, BUT...every time they remember me taking them to fun houses or a day out hiking or chicly cheese or on a train or to a museum and they talk about it?  Well, in their head it was their BM, and that is how they discuss it with friends.  She used me like a bird who drops its eggs in another birds nest so it won't have to look after it or feed it.  In the end that little bird cracks out of its shell the spitting image of its BM not the bird who cared for it.  In the end that bird has the same instinctive crappy parenting and parasite behaviors of its BM.  Distancing yourself and finding outlets is all you can do for now.  Also, if you haven't filed for some custody after four months of abandonment by her do it immediately!  After the period of time where she lets them destroy you she will feel the need for taking control again, and then you have even greater Hell to deal with.  All the responsibility AND a grown parent boss to contend with.  I wanted to be nice to my skids BM and so when we could have nailed her and taken sole custody we didn't.  Regret that nice gesture EVERY day.  Tell your DH is he doesn't want to get everything finalized in court he can care for them 95% of the time or more on his own.  Trust me and get some custody now, it's hard, but adding a second person to constantly answer to or a Mom who one minute is a train wreck out of their lives to suddenly back in is way WAY worse.

HollyWoods's picture

Thank you for your advice! We have 100% sole custody. It's a nightmare with this woman and I hate that I have to live everyday as if I had been married to her! It's been a long 3 years and all the effort has not exactly been worth it. I pray we find some normalcy eventually but it's getting out of control and I am miserable. =( 

Harry's picture

Disengage,  As do nothing for SK, treat them as they are part of the furniture, Do not cook, clean for them, Do not drive them anywhere, no vacations with them, no gifts, no cash.  Unfortunately this will not have an impact on them.  This is for you.  Or number two. Leave, live in your own apartment. And DH. Can come over., But these kids may never leave there father.  They can be 30 ans still living at home 

HollyWoods's picture

I so totally have. It is hard because I see the strain I cause to my husband but fo rmy own well being I have to! 

It's funny my therapist told me to flee today! It's either my psychotic step-son or me! I have to discuss with my husband tonight about some options. ....this may not go well but I have to be honest and open. Wish me luck!