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Time for a change

hollyissad's picture

So today it hit me that it is time for a change. This isn’t working. Feeling defeated and out of control is not working for me anymore.

I want to be a mom. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, even when I was a kid myself. Throughout my 20’s I would be in relationships, and look forward to becoming a parent, but I wasn’t in a rush. I knew it would happen, and that it would be great. I had time. And then I entered this relationship, and the feeling of being a childless woman hit me hard. I had never felt truly childless until I started dating a man with kids. I recently explained the feeling to my counselor and also my significant other as ordering a hot fudge sundae at a restaurant, having it put in front of me, eating the cherry, and then it being promptly taken away from me. Over and over again.

You see, I care greatly for my SD6. I even feel love at points during our relationship. And sometimes, I let myself feel what it would be like to be a mom. And then I get verbally slapped (unintentionally usually) and I’m knocked down 10 pegs and put back into my place. Two examples in the last three days:

Me, after reading a bedtime story to SD6: I won’t see you tomorrow, you’ll be with grandma since your dad will be out of town.
SD6: Okay.
Me: So I’ll see you in two days.
SD6: (being silly) Or maybe in a week!
Me: Or maybe in a month! Or a year!
SD6: A year! If I didn’t see you for a year, I would definitely forget about you.
Me: Well, I don’t know about that. You have a good memory. You have lots of memories of your mom.
SD6: Well YAH, but that’s my MOM!

Not going to lie, I’m well aware that I’m not her mother, nor anybody else’s. But that still stung. And then last night:

Me: SD6, you and daddy are going to have daddy/daughter time on Sunday for the birthday party.
SD6: What about mommy/daughter time? Is that a thing too? Oh, they have Mother’s Day.
Me: Yes.
SD6: But what about me?? I don’t even have a mom. I don’t have anybody to celebrate.
Me: Well you can still celebrate your mom.
SD6: No I can’t. I don’t even have a mom.

Again, I know all of this. This isn’t news. But it makes me feel childless. It also makes me wonder why I try so hard. I bust my butt trying to make sure she has her needs met, some of her wants, take her to places so she plays with other kids, take her out for lunch, include her in my own family’s activities, read bedtime stories, help her wash her hair, etc, etc, etc. But I’m apparently pretty forgettable. So last night after this, I felt myself disengage and grow distant. I felt myself withdraw internally, hating my situation.

And I think that hurt her, and I feel terrible about it today. She ALWAYS asks for a bedtime story from me, but her dad tucked her in and that was it. I behaved childishly, when I should have been the adult and the bigger person. I intend to apologize today for being grumpy yesterday.

This isn’t her fault. It’s not her fault her mom died, or that she wishes she was still alive, or that she doesn’t think of me as her mom and imagines she would easily forget me. But it is my fault for becoming so invested, and thinking things were one way when I always knew they were not.

I’m thinking of volunteering for Big Brothers Big Sisters, and trying to spend some time doing other things. I’ve got to figure out a way to be okay with my situation before it drives me crazy. The feeling of being an outsider seems to be all-consuming lately, and I’m desperately longing to be a part of something bigger than this situation.

Comments

DaizyDuke's picture

oooo, that's a hard one! That has to be terribly hard for a child of that age to have lost a parent. The way I'm reading it, it's not that she is intentionally saying things to be mean, rather she is saying things because she doesn't understand.

Is your SO opposed to having a child with you?

hollyissad's picture

No, he's not opposed to it. He has another 1.5 years left of finishing his PhD, and he wants to wait until he has finished and has an offer before we have a child together. It is both of our desire that I stay at home with the baby for at least he first few years, and he is not in a financial position to take on my bills as well as his own if I were to quit my job.

hollyissad's picture

I wish that were the case. But I really don't think she is fully on board with the idea. A couple weeks ago I took her to lunch with some of my friends. A friend of mine asked me when I was going to settle down and get married. I told her I didn't know, and SD6 asked who would I marry? I told her maybe her daddy. At first she was confused, and said her daddy couldn't marry me because he was already married once. I explained that people could marry again. Then she said "if you married my dad you'd be kind of like my mom, and I'd have to call you mom". I told her she didn't have to, but she could if she wanted to. She said she would want to call me Holly. She also said she would be happy and sad both if I married her dad. So I'm not sure.

AllySkoo's picture

I dunno. I'm a pretty literal person. You're not her mom. That's just a fact, much like "water is wet".

But here's the thing, you don't have to be her mom. Sounds like you guys have a pretty special and wonderful relationship. Don't screw it up by trying to make it into something else. You're not her mom, but you can be her stepmom and that can be a beautiful thing too. You seem to be devaluing yourself and your relationship just because you don't have the label "mom", don't do that. Value who and what you are to SD as yourself.

misSTEP's picture

That's what I was kind of thinking too. Little kids tend to be very literal. And you are not her mom.

She might also be afraid that people (or SHE) will forget that her mom was alive and special to her. Nobody can completely replace a person's bio-parents.

But you can gently steer her in a more positive direction if you keep an open mind and let go of your own ego, for lack of a better word. Read between the lines. She's probably at a loss how to say certain things she'd like to say.

Her: "I will never forget HER because she is MOM."
You: "I'm sure you miss your mom. She is a very special person to you. MY Mom is very special to me too. It's sad when special people can't be around anymore. But you know what? I am your stepmom and I will be here anytime you need someone to talk to. Because YOU are a very special person to ME."

amber3902's picture

^^^THIS^^^ OP, I think you are getting hung up on labels.

Keep in mind, this kid is six years old. She doesn't understand what she's saying hurts your feelings.

Also, you should not let what a six year old say influence whether or not you marry her father. She doesn't understand nor should she be allowed any input into what is an adult decision that her father and you should make.

LuckyGirl's picture

I say about my SD's "you are not my daughters but you are my girls". I am not their mother and never will be, but they do matter to me and they know it. Maybe something similar would work for you?