My 'shameful secret'...I have a love/hate relationship with steplife
Never in my life have I felt so up and down about anything as I do about my relationship with my SD7 and being a part of a “blended” family in general. The biggest problem I find is that nobody is “doing anything” to me. It’s this feeling of being an outsider that I hate. The feeling of not knowing what I’m doing, and feeling out of control. After three years, I thought I would know what I’m doing, but I certainly don’t. Sometimes I think I have it down, and things are sailing, and then something throws me for a loop and I feel like I’m back at the start line again.
I always thought that entering this situation with a deceased BM, while unbelievable sad, would be easier as far as my relationship with SD7. In some ways, that is true, but in other ways I think that it is astronomically more difficult. With a BM in the picture, I feel that there are lines and boundaries that I could respect and not cross. With my situation with SD7, I feel that there are still boundaries but they are so undefined and ever-changing. She goes through phases, like right now, where she wants her mother. I encourage her to talk about her mom if she wants to, and have told her that she can talk to her dad at any time about her mom, as he can answer questions about her and help her remember the things she is trying to remember. Most of the time she just says she really misses her, and that it’s not fair that she doesn’t get to see her anymore, but that’s about it. I don’t know how to help her, but maybe I am not supposed to. The hardest part is that she wants a relationship with me that is mom like, and wants to call me mom, but I am not her mom and in a way she wants that recognized. She wants distance and closeness all at once, and I don’t know how to do that.
I am expecting a baby in July and will be staying at home with him. The other day I took her out to lunch and we were talking about how long before she was out of school, and how long until I am done working and get to stay home. And she says yeah, you’ll get to stay home with (baby boy). I said “and you”. She said “you’ll get to stay home for (baby boy) and daddy”. I felt hurt by this.
I feel like sometimes my relationship with SD7 is exceptional, and I feel like a second mother to her, and other times when I feel rejected. I also fear she will pull away more when my son comes. I know she will cling to her dad, which is a good thing, because at least she feels she has someone. I guess I just don’t know what to do in this situation. I am trying.