Dark post, feeling at an all time low
I don’t even know that I want to post this. Probably not a good idea when I’m feeling this low. I feel like I am in over my head, and I have so much anger. I went into this relationship with rose-colored glasses about how it was going to be with my SO and SD7 (5 at the time). 2 and a half years later, I feel bitter and resentful.
I feel like the only thing I have going for me right now is my unborn son who I am expecting in July. Everything else in my life is difficult and stressful, and I feel like it is the product of the situation, and I can’t point to it as anyone’s ‘fault’. That doesn’t help my anger, however. SD7’s mother is deceased, and she is having a really hard time with it lately. She died when SD7 was 4, and I believe mother’s day triggered something inside of her. She clings to her father, and is aloof with me. We sometimes have this incredibly close relationship, and then there are times like now when she rejects me, and it makes me feel cold inside towards her. Yes, I know. It is not her fault. She experienced the biggest of losses, and grief is ever-lasting, and she should feel how she feels. She is not required to feel anything towards me, just to be respectful (which she is). I get it, I do. It’s my problem, nobody else’s problem. My SO says he does notice it but “it’s not personal”.
It may not be personal to her (or him), but it IS personal to me. That may not make sense. But to say it isn’t personal doesn’t help me, because I am a person, and being unwanted and feeling like an outsider is deeply personal to me. To top it all off, SO said last night that it’s the time of the year and that even he is feeling it right now. (She died in late May) As an outsider who was not in this situation, I would understand that. As his SO carrying his child, it stings like crazy to know that he misses her. I am being unreasonable. I am being selfish and immature. But that is how I feel.
Sometimes I love my life, and things are smooth sailing. And then there are times like these when I honestly feel hate. Hate for my situation of being in this stepfamily, hate for feeling like I have no control over my life, hate for feeling alone and empty, and yes, hate for the THREE of them. I feel hate for a deceased woman I have never met, and that is HORRIFYING to me.
I feel I need to start counseling again. I had a few months of counseling this time a year ago when I was dealing with this, and I feel I am so messed up again that I may need more. I know I sound like a pathetic, terrible person, but I feel how I feel. And how I feel is angry and resentful and unloved. I feel like things are never going to get better. Already I’m dealing with my precious dog who has been my one light spot over the last few years having CHF and being in the last stages, I’m dealing with my parents getting a divorce after many decades of marriage and my dad falling apart and resorting to drinking and about to lose his home, and I’m trying to handle everything while pregnant. I don’t know how to be strong.
Thank you for taking the time to read all this. Sorry it was so long.