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Dark post, feeling at an all time low

hollyissad's picture

I don’t even know that I want to post this. Probably not a good idea when I’m feeling this low. I feel like I am in over my head, and I have so much anger. I went into this relationship with rose-colored glasses about how it was going to be with my SO and SD7 (5 at the time). 2 and a half years later, I feel bitter and resentful.

I feel like the only thing I have going for me right now is my unborn son who I am expecting in July. Everything else in my life is difficult and stressful, and I feel like it is the product of the situation, and I can’t point to it as anyone’s ‘fault’. That doesn’t help my anger, however. SD7’s mother is deceased, and she is having a really hard time with it lately. She died when SD7 was 4, and I believe mother’s day triggered something inside of her. She clings to her father, and is aloof with me. We sometimes have this incredibly close relationship, and then there are times like now when she rejects me, and it makes me feel cold inside towards her. Yes, I know. It is not her fault. She experienced the biggest of losses, and grief is ever-lasting, and she should feel how she feels. She is not required to feel anything towards me, just to be respectful (which she is). I get it, I do. It’s my problem, nobody else’s problem. My SO says he does notice it but “it’s not personal”.

It may not be personal to her (or him), but it IS personal to me. That may not make sense. But to say it isn’t personal doesn’t help me, because I am a person, and being unwanted and feeling like an outsider is deeply personal to me. To top it all off, SO said last night that it’s the time of the year and that even he is feeling it right now. (She died in late May) As an outsider who was not in this situation, I would understand that. As his SO carrying his child, it stings like crazy to know that he misses her. I am being unreasonable. I am being selfish and immature. But that is how I feel.

Sometimes I love my life, and things are smooth sailing. And then there are times like these when I honestly feel hate. Hate for my situation of being in this stepfamily, hate for feeling like I have no control over my life, hate for feeling alone and empty, and yes, hate for the THREE of them. I feel hate for a deceased woman I have never met, and that is HORRIFYING to me.

I feel I need to start counseling again. I had a few months of counseling this time a year ago when I was dealing with this, and I feel I am so messed up again that I may need more. I know I sound like a pathetic, terrible person, but I feel how I feel. And how I feel is angry and resentful and unloved. I feel like things are never going to get better. Already I’m dealing with my precious dog who has been my one light spot over the last few years having CHF and being in the last stages, I’m dealing with my parents getting a divorce after many decades of marriage and my dad falling apart and resorting to drinking and about to lose his home, and I’m trying to handle everything while pregnant. I don’t know how to be strong.

Thank you for taking the time to read all this. Sorry it was so long.

Comments

Pokeyketchum's picture

Hey Holly,

I am truly sorry you are feeling so low.

The only comfort I have to offer is that you won't feel this way forever. This too shall pass. Soon you shall have your son and I hope it will be everything you dream it will be.

Hugs to you.

Gimlet's picture

((hugs)) Holly.

Your feelings are normal, Holly, you are NOT a terrible person. You are a good person who is trying to help put the pieces of an awful thing that happened back together. It's OK to feel what you feel, and it's entirely human to feel hurt and even angry.

I think counseling is a good choice for you. I'm so sorry about your dog and you parents, this is a lot of grief to deal with, especially while pregnant.

I like you and I think you're a warm, caring person who has always wanted the best for your family. Please take care of yourself and feel free to PM me anytime. .

hollyissad's picture

Do it. Blum 3

Gimlet's picture

Well, I am a terrible baker so I will ask Aniki to bake me some cookies and I will bring them over with a fuzzy blanket and my least assholish cat, which isn't saying much. Smile

WalkOnBy's picture

I am an excellent baker. I will bake the cookies and then Gimmy and I will come hang out with you Smile

hollyissad's picture

Don't say that, you might have to move in! It would be nice to not feel so alone.

moeilijk's picture

I will come and bring hugs and funny stories and one of those 4L containers of ice cream and a lot of spoons. Also Kleenex.

Holly, life sometimes just sucks.

Do not underestimate the mind-f!ck pregnancy can do to a woman. All the baggage

It's not personal can be translated. I've spent years on this one, because I'd get pissed every time and now I understand (more) what others were trying to tell me. It DOESN'T mean that you aren't a person, or that you "shouldn't" respond/react to how SD/DH think or behave. It just means - their drama/sh!t is about them... their needs, wants, feelings. Don't try to carry their burdens for them. Unfortunately it's your job to let them struggle. Doesn't mean you love them less.

And I have a 2.5 year old daughter. I sometimes feel rejected by her as well. I am sure that I can tolerate it only because I love her anyway. It's part of my choice as a parent to allow her to be herself, and to not insist that she take care of my need to be close and affectionate and sweet. If she was my skid, I would 'feel' her behaviour as being about the relationship we have, and not about her figuring out who she is.

You will be fine. It would be great if you could empty your head a bit of all this crap occupying space, but if you can't, at least you're using it to understand yourself better.

Good luck!

hollyissad's picture

Thanks for the positive outlook. Smile

Sometimes life does suck. Sad I hope it gets better soon. Why can't life be easier? Maybe there is no such thing as easy in steplife.

WalkOnBy's picture

Nope, not forgetting you, Fruity!!!

Holly is gonna have a hard time kicking us all out Smile

DaizyDuke's picture

Sorry you are feeling so down Holly... but I have to ask (totally not trying to be a brat!!) Why do you care so much if SD likes you/interacts with you? Just as you said you have times where you feel like all is good and you are happy, and times when you feel like life sucks, I'm sure SD has times where she wants to be around you and times where she just doesn't. I'm not trying to say that it's OK for her to treat you like crap.. I know a lot of people around here expect skids to respect them by speaking to them, eating dinner with them etc. in their home. I am one of those people who could care less. When SD18 lived with us, she and I rarely spoke more than a "hi" or bye" and it really didn't bother me in the least... honestly I kind of liked not having to have some forced stupid conversation with her, or some forced outing with her.. you know what I mean?

And maybe it's because I have our BS6. Less energy spent on SD meant more time to spend focusing on BS. I agree with the others, I think that once you have your little one, your feelings will shift. You will be so focused and in love with your child that it won't bother you if SD is not "present".

Hugs!!! It WILL get better

hollyissad's picture

Good question. I wish I had a good answer. I guess I feel like it is all or nothing for me, and that nothing is not allowed. It's not what SD7 or my SO want or expect from me, and I don't really have it in me to deny compassion. I do feel compassion towards a young girl who lost her mother at a young age. She is looking for a mother figure MOST of the time, and then other times, she wants her mom and she does not want me. SO wants me to keep trying and put my own feelings aside and be the adult. Understandable, but easier said than done. They both have high expectations of me to be a mother figure who is okay with not being mom, and who is okay with going through times when I am rejected and cast aside. Perhaps having my son will enlighten me a little bit, and make it feel more acceptable for me to take a step back.

Right now, I am trying to focus on him (my son), and on other things going on in my life. I just hate feeling like I'm on the outside. Sometimes I regret my decision to get involved at all in this situation, and wish I had a "normal" family.

Sabina's picture

Holly - I am not good at giving advice. I am brand new to this site. You sound like a good caring person. It sounds to me like they are expecting too much from you. My mother died when I was a baby and I had a step mother. Mother's day is hard for Motherleses daughters, everyone around them is celebrating this day. I am sure she loves you and this day will always be hard for her. Her mother will not be there when she graduates, gets married or any of those special moments. Don't be too hard on yourself, it will take much time for her to overcome these days in her life.
I now have 2 stepdaughter and they lost their mother at ages 6 and 1, I can relate to this since I lived through it. I hope this helps you. Smile

Salems Lot's picture

Hi Holly,

You are not alone.

I sent you a private message...

Hugs

hollyissad's picture

It might not have gone through, I can't seem to find it. I appreciate your caring. It's days like this that are so very hard.

misSTEP's picture

Your feelings are valid and possibly driven a bit by hormones that are all over the place. I would check into counseling as that could make you feel better about your situation.

Also, has SD had any counseling? That kind of grief is strange and scary for a little kid.

ksmom14's picture

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, and feeling so down Sad

I think counseling as you said would be a good idea, I am confident that this is something you can work through!

Your SD is still very young and trying to figure out her feelings about her mom passing and how that effects her relationship with you, she may be starting to feel guilty for having a close relationship with you and that's why she's pulling away.

Also, I felt I had a bit of depression while pregnant, so I'm sure those hormones are taking a toll on you! Do your best, get the help you can, and keep on chugging...this too shall pass Smile

lintini's picture

Holly, I am sorry you aren't feeling like yourself lately. Please message me anytime you want to talk about your pregnancy or anything!! I am due in July too and we can be in rolly polly overheated misery together! **hugs to you**

mommadukes2015's picture

<33

You are a beautiful person who is in one of the toughest situations someone can find themselves in. The fact that it upsets you when you feel your SD is "rejecting" you means that you have a deep love for this child, who is probably having a hard time navigating her feelings herself and is in no way a reflection on you. I think we all experience that heart-wrenching "rejection"-type behavior from our skids from time to time even though the thing they did or said or didn't say doesn't seem like a big deal to someone outside our head and being upset and confused by it does not make you a bad person-it makes perfect sense and I've felt that way before too.

As far as your SO saying that this is a hard time for him too, you are NOT, let me say that again, YOU ARE NOT selfish or immature, how do you think you're supposed to feel about that? How is anyone supposed to feel about that? There is no right or wrong to how you FEEL and it's not voluntary. It is OKAY that you feel confused by it because like I said, there's no right or wrong so please stop beating yourself up over it and tell SO that you need some extra love and support right now-it will bring the both of you closer. And you're pregnant darling, I know I needed a little extra support then because I felt like a big ugly human incubator.

Life has it's ups and downs-and it's okay. This will pass and eventually it will all get easier. I can tell from your post you're an amazing person. Don't ever let YOURSELF forget that.