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When is enough...enough?!

hismineours's picture

Wow! When reading these posts, I feel like I'm reading my own biography! I want to know how much my children should endure from my husband's exwife/ex mother-in-law/children before I should consider the current circumstances unhealthy enough to get a divorce? Ok well here it goes, heres our story:

I have two from a previous marriage, now 13 and 10. His two are now 8 and 7, and we have one together, age 4. We have been together almost 8 years. My husband and I started dating 5 months after he and the ex seperated. They "hooked up" once during thier seperation, prior to him meeting me, in which she became pregnant. She didn't tell him until she was 4 mo pregnant in front of the judge. The divorce lasted 3 years.

He has shared parenting plus some. My children are with me 24/7/365 and I have to fight to get child support. He pays child support, clothes and shoes she doesn't return them in, medical bills and sports (in which shes supose to pay half)gifts to teachers she buys and expects to be reimbursed for, etc. Of course she complains he doesn't pay/do enough and that my children get more of his money/time/attention than her children, which isn't true.

I get along perfectly with his oldest and you couldn't seperate his youngest from my hip until she became a toddler. Unfortunately after that is a different story. My middle child and his oldest are the best of friends. Anyways here's the problem:

His ex and ex mother-in-law feel I nor my children should take part in her exhusband and childrens lives and goes to about any extreme to achieve this. She refuses to "allow" me to watch thier children by myself or pick them up/drop them off, watch them play sports or participate in any afterschool activites. She even says I shouldn't be answering my OWN home phone when she calls. In any attempt on my part to do any of these things has ended up with her making threats to get the police involved or refusing to give him the kids. (Which she has recieved a slap on the wrist for when we've filed contempt charges)

My children and I have accompianed my husband to pick his kids up at the ex motherinlaw's house and the ex and ex motherinlaw refused to give him the kids and called the police saying I was treaspassing. Even tho I stayed in the car the whole time the police considered it private property and issued me a warning. For now on, when we are out and he needs to pick up his kids, he has to drop me off at a store, get the kids and pick me back up.

I attended her child's basball game. The ex and her mother became so irrate. The ex motherinlaw approached me and wanted to argue. I walked away and she physically attacked me in front of his/our kids. I had to file charges and receive a restraining order against her.

For some reason, my husbands parents are affraid if they don't comply with what the ex wants they won't be able to see his kids. I was watching them one evening while my husband was at his second job when she called. His daughter informed the ex I was watching her and her brother and she called his parents to come get them from me...and they did!

She calls my husband constantly to argue, make accusations and threats. If she can't get ahold of him on his cell, she tries the home phone, then work phone and then calls his parents to complain to them and request they call him and have him call her back, which they do! She has even called his boss during the day requesting that she have him call JUST to argue. When I was in labor with our child she kept calling him and threatening to call the police because we left his kids with his parents. She said he had no business being with me while I was in labor, that he should be with his kids! My son had to undergo a serious procedure in which he asked her to please not bother him while he was there with me but she kept calling and calling....no emergency just wanted to remind (which she had already done several times) him to bring one of the kids items with him when he picked the kids up the next day. We can't even go on vacation without her calling and harrassing us. When he hasn't answered the phone, she has called the hotel and had them request we call her.

BUT THE WORST OF IT ALL IS THAT THE EX HAS PUT THEIR/OUR KIDS IN THE MIDDLE. She lies to her children about my children and I to the point her youngest has turned on me. It got so bad that his youngest would not allow me to bathe her, comb her hair, or even make a meal for her. She wouldn't listen to me and would disrespect me by mocking and making fun of me. One time the child, ex and ex mother in law sat a couple feet in front at me at a game all making jokes about me. She's told her things like it's my fault they broke up to I tried to run her over with my vehicle which isn't true. The ex has lied and accused my oldest son and I of SEXUALLY and PHYSICALLY ABUSING her children, which was UNFOUNED of course. The ex still to this day accuses my oldest son and I of physically abusing her children. This has left my oldest son with anger issues in which he has to receive counseling.

She even has her youngest one lieing for her now. She lies at our house to her dad to get my children in trouble or lie to me to get her dad in "trouble" with me. She lies infront of us on our phone to her mother about how she is treated at our house. We had to get court ordered counseling for his youngest, which has helped somewhat, but the child is still trying to stir the pot. My oldest which will be 14 shortly watched his two while we went to the grocery store recently and the ex called. Long story short the ex threatened my son that she was going to call children's services on him/us. That seems to be her new thing...threatening children services or just yelling/threatening my children period.

I'm a wreck worrying all the time that one day one of her lies will be seen as truth and my children or I will pay for it dearly. I am a nurse and worry my liscense could be in jeporady or that she won't stop until my son is arrested. Like I said before my son is alreadying being affected by it and in counseling. Even the child we have together, age 4, you can tell is becoming stressed.
My husband and I have even received counseling over it.

What would you do? Stay? File? Any suggestions?

Comments

kidsaplenty's picture

Go to court to request that all contact be ordered to be via email to your dh only for nonurgent matters and to his cell only for urgent matters. Get restraining orders if needed to keep her from contact with your kids. Get caller id and instruct your kids (and you too) do not answer any incoming calls from her. If you do inadvertently say 'sorry, bd will have to get back with you later, he is busy right now I'll tell him you called. bye' then click, do not entertain anything further. Try to get it ordered she stay a certain number of feet from you at all times. If you can not do not go to the skids stuff anymore with your kids. It sucks but they need to be protected from this ill person. I am sorry you are going through this. I can understand given the ages of the kids and how quick you got with your dh why she might view you as the OW but she has definitely crossed the line into some really sick and borderline illegal behavior. I think you and dh should go to counseling to help you both come up with some boundaries to protect yourself and your family and help you deal with this stress.

Sara_Smile22's picture

I realize this is probably a real extreme suggestion, but I think a wise course of action would be for your husband to have visitation with his kids away from you and your kids. That situation is a ticking time bomb and they are not going to let up on you. Your kids are being damaged and your husband probably can't even do anything about it with the courts and system the way it is. I would purposefully remove myself and my children from any and all interaction or physical proximity of these women and his children.

SerendipitySM's picture

I completely agree with Sara!!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

SerendipitySM's picture

My friend, you are in a tough spot. If I were you, I would make the protection of my children my top priority. You cannot control her behavior or the behavior she is influencing on the skids. If I were in your position, her and her children would not be allowed anywhere near me or my children. The accusations she is making are serious and could do permanent damage to your and your children's reputations.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

soverysad's picture

delete
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

belleboudeuse's picture

Agreed that your H needs to grow a pair. My own experience, and the experience of many, many people on this site, points to the only real solution to crazy ex-wife problems lie in the DH putting his foot down and not allowing ANY control of the situation by the ex-wife. He must set down some ground rules, and refuse to engage with her if she doesn't abide by them. For example: no more contact with him except by email, except in DIRE emergency she may text him. And then he needs to ENFORCE IT. If she calls, don't answer. If she texts with a non-emergency, don't answer. She won't like it, and she will try everything in her power to regain control, but if he doesn't LET her, she CAN'T. Get a restraining order, and if she comes over and tries to harass you in person, call the police.

My DH used to let BM walk all over him, too. But then he started establishing boundaries, because I made it clear to him that her continued presence in his life as the reigning matriarch would make a future relationship between us as husband and wife impossible. When he started saying NO to her unreasonable requests, she went completely ballistic. But he did it in such a way that she didn't have a choice. Frankly, most of the power that BMs hold is an illusion. They reign by fear. But once your DH realizes that she's got nothing real to hurt him with, then the emperor has no clothes. Frankly, this process has been extremely empowering for my DH -- because once he realized that she couldn't really do anything he didn't let her do, suddenly he realized that she wasn't in control of anything. After all, everything BM is trying to control has to do with DH GIVING her things -- money, obedience, displays of you not being as important as her. Which means that he can regain control simply by NOT GIVING THEM TO HER. Like I said, this was a HUGE revelation for my DH. Now, although she flares up like a hemorrhoid from time to time, we just ignore her. She basically has no more control over our household.

I would also disengage from parenting his children when they are at your house -- no disciplining them yourself, because they will only cry "abuse". This is another version of the same theme: the kids want "control" of the situation, and specifically they want control of how much power and position you have in their lives. The way you take control of that is to not put yourself in a position where they can take control of you: if you don't try to discipline them, they can't take control by refusing you. (And that includes your son: while BM is still pulling this crap, then your son shouldn't be watching over the stepkids.) Support your DH, back him up, but he has do do this himself. He's the only one who can change the situation.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved