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How to make these kids grow up...

hismineandours's picture

Seriously. I need some advice here. My ss14 is sooo immature. It drives me nuts on a personal level and it creates all sorts of issues for him as well. And it creates issues for my dh as well. But how to go about making him act his age? This morning he was singing as he was getting ready, kicking things across the floor, dancing around, talking to himself in a baby voice. I'm like WTF? Do 14 year old boys really act this way? I have a 14 year old girl that would never do any of this stuff. My ds is 12-he would neer do that stuff nor would my 10 year old dd. His maturity level is closest to that of my 10 year old and frankly I think she is more mature than he is. However, he gravitates toward her as the other kids are doing more "teen" type things and they cant handle spending too much time with him because he is so immature. My dd10 is the only one that can tolerate him for more than a few minutes. She had a guest here for 15 minutes yesterday-ss insisted on being on the trampoline with them-what 14 year old boy wants to hang out with two 10 year old girls? Weird.

He has not yet made any friends since moving here (he knew alot of the kids already as he lived here in elementary school). He has been spending some time with a couple of kids that are a grade below him. So socially he is pretty much an outcast because he is so immature. My dh has a big dependent baby on his hands due to his immaturity. He cannot think ahead for anything, plan, take responsibility. Every stinking morning he gets in the shower and then is yelling for dh to bring him a towel. He wants someone to sit with him and walk him through his schoolwork. He freaked out the other night because he thought we were going to leave him home alone for a few hours. Told us we "HAD" to take him with us.

MY 14 year old dd-has a job for goodness sake. SS cant get one due to poor grades and quite frankly I am certain he would be fired because he cannot follow directions or be responsible. So how do you "teach" someone to be mature?


imjustthemaid's picture

I have no idea how to teach them to grow up but if you find out let me know. SD15 is more immature than my 10 yr old daughter!!

LPS's picture

Don't stress it's the age. My DS is 14 and he is so immature, he does all the same things. My DD is 8 and she is more mature than her brother, strange right. Girls just mature faster than boys. Hopefully, they will both grow out of it, it's so frustrating and annoying, you cant really teach him to be mature, he just has to grow up.

hismineandours's picture

My own ds is 12-I cant say he is the most mature kid around-but he is more mature than ss14. He is mature enough to not get in trouble at school, make good grades, not be reprimanded by youth group leaders, in public places, etc. He doesnt like to hang out with his 10 year old sister and her friends. He likes to hang out with his friends.

I have tried making him focus on age appropriate activities. We have these little activity booklets at Church for CHILDREN-has connect the dots, little Bible stories, matching games-etc-SS always takes one of these, asks for a pen, and spends the entire Church service doing this. DH lets him because, "he's not bothering anyone"-but it makes me cringe. AT 14 he should be trying to get something out of the sermon not coloring. What's worse is there are multiple kids from school that go to our Church and they see him doing this-they are not doing it-but they can see him doing it. I was thinking that my dd10 was getting too old for this.

SS also got kind of pissy because he was not included in the egg hunt on Easter. DD14 didnt mind, DS12 didnt mind, but ss14 actually jumped dd10's butt because we didnt let him participate. My ds12 actually got involved in filling and hiding eggs for dd10-but ss was just pissy because he wanted to participate.

That's the only solution I have-is not letting him do things that are not age appropriate. The whole baby talk to himself thing this morning almost made me gag. I think it traumatized me a little.

Willow2010's picture

My SS is 19 and he still does this crap. He went into the military 6-8 months ago and it had not helped him a bit. He is still clueless and babyish. I wish he would have went into a different branch now, because the one he went into, is making him more spoilt and dependent. GRRRRR

hismineandours's picture

this is my fear. That he will reach 18 and not leave. At this point, in time I cannot even envision this child functioning in society. If he managed to not burn down his residence it would be a miracle. Although strangely I can imagine all 3 of my kids living on their own-even my 10 year old. My 12ds already talks about getting a job next summer-he is looking forward to it. My 10 year old dd knows that she will be working at 14 as well. SS has no interest in working-because, well, it's WORK. My dh is out of town for a few days and ss called him up and asked him where the toilet plunger was. Because ss clogs the toilet on a weekly basis. And there were only 3 other people here in the house, including the adult in charge of him (oh, that's me)but he felt the need to call dh and somehow blame it on my dd14 that he couldnt find it.

stepmonster_2011's picture

Your SS is 14 right? Old enough to have started thinking about the future. Not that he should have his life mapped out at 14, but he should at least have an inkling of what he sees himself doing.

This would be a great conversation for your DH and him to have. when he goes to HS he's going to need to think about what kind of classes he takes. College prep? Technical? Trades? Maybe a conversation with a guidance counselor would be a good push.

I'm guessing he doesn't see himself as older. Perhaps even a little stuck at an age that he enjoyed?

Not sure if there is much more you can do to speed the process along though.

hismineandours's picture

Well the school declined to even put him in college prep. We just did his schedule for next year which I helped him with-and I put classes that were a little above him-not above him in that he is not capable of it-but that he likely wont feel like doing it. They essentially declined those classes and put him in Basic Ed classes. They dont really let them start taking trade courses at our school until they are a little older as he has to get his requirements in. Sadly he has a full 4 year scholarship to a college in our state-but I already know he wont go. It will go to waste.

I talked to him about a month or so ago about wanting to do well at school so someday he can get a good job. He was like, "so what if I fail a grade? I can still get a job a year later when I graduate" I told him that was true but it might be difficult to finish your senior year of high school while working a full time job in order to support yourself since he was out the door of the year he's SUPPOSED to graduate.

Willow2010's picture

When DH and I married we talked about what happens when our kids hit 18 and graduate college. There was only one option to stay in our house after that. You must be in college full time and work part time.

SS barely passed HS so college was out for him. I was so glad that he choose the military!! But it does not seem to be working out as well as I hoped. In this branch, he can be lazy, defiant, aggressive and he still gets coddled. It is pretty sick.

Side noteā€¦.SS still has turned out better than I ever thought he would. I really figured he would be in jail by this age with a few kids running around. I do attribute that to the fact that he lived with us after he hit 15ish. lol

checkedoutsm's picture

All I can think of is don't do anything for him, don't buy anything for him, don't give him any money, and make him work like Cinderella. Cinderella turned out to be a decent person for it, right?

building steam's picture

Have you checked into other means not seeing or knowing this child could he have a handycap or is it for sure just being immature. You said he plays with younger kids and does fine. You also said he is having problems with his grades in school. Just wondering has he been tested for A.D.D. or any other testing there could be other factors here besides just immaturity. If you really feel he is just immature tell your DH to stop getting him the towel when he yells out from the shower. He will sooner or later get out and get it his self or drip dry one lol. If there are no other factors involved someone has to take the upper hand and put a stop to it. He needs chores around the house such as taking the trash out. If he makes a mess in the bathroom get some gloves and have DH stand over him and make him clean it up. When they find out they have lost the upper hand they tend to stop making the messes. UNLESS THERE IS MORE TO IT!!!!

hismineandours's picture

If I said he plays with younger kids and is Fine-I made a mistake-he plays with younger kids and ends up giving them his stimulant medication. He gave my 11 year old nephew a stimulant. I dont really like him around my 10 year old dd and that is why. He tries to encourage them to do things they should not be doing-they fall for it sometimes because they are not old enough to know better. The kids at school that he hangs out with some dont really know him. He has no classes with them, he spends no time outside of school with them-so I dont know if these kids are really his friends or just somewhere he plops his tray down next to at lunch. He is diagnosed with adhd and odd.

checkedoutsm's picture

oh adhd kids are weird about social skills, maybe you could buy him some books or about how to talk to people or something.