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This week's advice column on Slate ticked me off..

hipster54's picture

I read Slate almost every other day to keep up with news, world issues, current affairs etc. I also read Dear Prudence, which is somewhat of a "dear abby" type of column. After reading this week's column, I became enraged with Prudie's answer to the letter writer. Read below:

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Dear Prudence,
My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I have a strong and loving relationship with both my parents and each has remarried and started new families, which means I have much younger half siblings, whom I also love dearly. My father and stepmother never helped me financially through college, though their house and lifestyle would lead me to believe they could have. I worked to pay for college, lived at home, and made excellent grades. But I am saddled with over $100,000 in school debt. Now my younger sister has started college. My father and stepmother have been paying a significant amount of her tuition, are helping with day-to-day expenses, and encouraging her to study abroad. She's stated that she’s been told "school is her job" and she doesn’t have to work. I feel like I need to distance myself and cool off, but still want to share with my father how unfair this all seems to me. How do I deal with the anger and resentment I feel toward my sister and the "second family"?

—Frustrated First Daughter

Dear Frustrated,
It’s always a good idea to cool off before you confront a difficult situation in which you are going to seek redress. Your goal should not simply be to unload to your father about the disparities in the opportunities you two sisters have had, but to open a discussion with him about the burden you carried alone for your own education. You can say that seeing how he and his wife are easing much of the financial load for your sister has made you wish you’d had the emotional wherewithal when you went off—make that stayed home—for college to talk to him about getting assistance. (You have left your mother out of the equation. I’m assuming you were living with her and that she didn’t have funds for your education.) Explain you maintained excellent grades while working your way through school. But you couldn’t earn enough to pay the tuition, and you now have a six-figure debt. Explain how this is impeding your ability to launch your adult life, and you are asking that he help pay off part of your college loans. I hope your father will consider your request and come through for you. If not, then you will have some understandable anger and resentment to work through, but keep in mind the person behaving unfairly is your father, not your siblings.

—Prudie
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After reading the answer to the letter writer's complaint I just couldn't even believe that Prudie didn't tell her that maybe she needs to chill out. Why am I so upset? Well I'm in a similar situation, seeing as how my our lifestyle is completely different from my step's lifestyle at home. That's her loser mother and step-father's fault, not ours and if this were to happen in the near future this is how I would handle a hypothetical scenario such as the one above:

If my step-daughter, who is a brat as it is, ever has the nerve to confront my husband about how she feels that our own daughter got special treatment and financial help with tuition but she didn't it's because of the following:

1. There is a 10 year age gap between the two of you. Just like you expect your father to help, you need to expect the same from your own mother. Your father already pays her monthly child support on top of having you on our medical and dental insurance and covering your extra curriculars. Surely all of this could have afforded your mother the chance to help split school or college costs 50/50.

2. Our lifestyle is completely different from yours at home. and if you assume that we can afford to pay for tuition, you are right. But we are not obligated to help you with college. Once you turn 18 and if you are still in college you had the option of keeping your father on child support to be paid to you until you are no longer in school. if you didn't take advantage of that, that's your own fault. Any additional debt incurred during college is your own responsibility, you are an adult now.

3. I out earn your father by almost half of his pay. I have better benefits. When we married I had my own savings. When your sister was born, we opened up a 529 for her college fund so she would make college and studying her priority. We planned and fortunately, 10 years after your dad's divorce from your mother, he makes better money, which you do get a cut of. Basically, WE saved, WE planned. This is MY own child, why should I fund YOUR education. Sorry. No. Hell no. (Plus when my step started school we pushed to enroll her in private catholic school and her mother refused. It's not like we never offered, Bio-mom rebuffed any extra offer of help to improve her own daughters upbringing)

4. This is your dad's second marriage. He learned from his first, I learned from all the court battles and your mother's psychotic behavior to disengage. We decided to parent your sister together, your mother refused help with parenting from your father. You do not dictate how we financially help you. Not when my money and efforts are involved.

So there. What would you do if faced with a similar scenario?

Comments

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Just a thought, but it may be less "father and stepmother are paying half sister's tuition". The reality of the situation may well be that STEPMOTHER is largely paying half sister's tuition because she didn't have to pay child support out the nose for the last decade of this young woman's childhood.

I make a LOT more money than DH. My income is the reason we have nice things. He is custodial of two of his kids, and has 50/50 of one. His BMs pay minimal CS. He will not be able to contribute much, if anything, to college for his kids.

I knew that I couldn't put my kids through college before I had them. As a result, I started saving and investing when they were babies. I have also made HUGE personal sacrifices to make sure they will have every advantage possible to increase their odds of getting scholarships. They've taken musical instrument lessons since they were in Kindergarten. They are fluent in at least one language other than English each. My son plays several sports, one that he's actually good at.

The BMs haven't done this. They did the bare minimum with their kids. Which is fine. But I don't want to hear it when my kids are in college and theirs are on their own. I will help my stepkids that live here all I can, but it really isn't my problem that BM3 spends it as fast as she gets it, and I'm not going to finance SD6 as a result of her mother's shitty choices.

Anon2009's picture

I like your response, and Prudie's as well. I agree with your first point about the CS, especially if Dad is/was paying hefty CS. Surely the BM could have put some of that aside to help save for college for the writer.

I think that if the writer feels angry/jealousy, she should seek counseling. If she cannot afford it she could check out her state's Department of Health and Human Services, talk to her church leader/pastor, etc. To just sit there and wallow in resentment, even if she shouldn't be resentful, is unhealthy.

Also, her mom may have been paid alimony. If that's the case, couldn't some of that have been set aside for her college education as well?

DaizyDuke's picture

My dad left my mom when I was about 2 years old. He moved across the country, eventually married another woman with 2 kids. I'm fairly certain that my dad has helped alot, with tuitions, cars, homes.. whatever for her kids. He has never done any of that for me, I have never asked. I promise you I have NEVER cared. A couple of years ago he sent me a copy of their living trust which outlined how they want everything divided up upon their deaths. His wife's kids are listed first. His wife's kids get the house. Again, I could care less. I really didn't even read the stupid thing after page 1 or 2, because again, I don't care!

I so hope that I am able to raise my BS3 to NOT be a spoiled entitled little jealous brat who thinks that the world owes him like these rotten skids. I hate this crap!

hipster54's picture

I can forsee a conversation like the one in the letter writer's complaint in my future. As it is, my SD10 has the nerve to question why my BD who is 10 months has name brand clothing, has a ton of clothing and why she's in daycare, or why we have to pay for a nice daycare because she never had the luxury of daycare.

Her mother tells her that my baby will grow up to be spoiled and materialistic because I buy only brand name clothes and that she never got anything because I dictate where her father's money is spent.

She doesn't know that, her father's money is my money and vice versa, taking into account that she has no say how that is handled after she's received her CS. She doesn't know that yes my baby has a ton of clothing and brand name at that. But she's also the youngest grandbaby on both sides, and our families buy her things, just as her my husband's did when she was a baby, because she's the first grandchild on both sides of my hubby's family. She doesn't know that I buy name brand because I buy everything in the off season and with coupons because the insane amount of CS that goes to her doesn't allow us the luxury of buying things off rack and in season. Plus coupons and off season shopping are smarter ways of getting lower prices, something her own mother doesn't know how to do because she never has clothes that fit.

My baby is in daycare because hubby and i have actual careers, demanding ones and so do our parents who are not yet able to retire. Unlike her mother who only works PT call center jobs or small odd jobs here and there because she's lazy. Same thing with her step-dad. She has grandparents who perpetuated the cycle of laziness and who don't work and live off of the government so she didn't need daycare.

We work so very hard for what we have and she doesn't seem to get that message. If her mother would cooperate with my husband, I'm sure she could enjoy better things, better parenting etc.

She doesn't complain when BM takes her out of school for 2 weeks to road trip it to Disney (which they are doing next week BTW) about how it's unfair. Of course not, our money is paying for that trip. She would also have nicer things if BM wasn't an idiot and actually spent her CS wisely.

Anon2009's picture

"the insane amount of CS that goes to her"

Sadly, it does not sound like that CS truly goes to SD Sad

I also like what think said. There is a lot of pride to be found in self-achievement. If anything, I think the fact that the writer paid for her own college education gives her a bit of an advantage over the younger sister and people might never say it, but they might respect her a little more than anyone who didn't pay for their own college education.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Obviously kids that wear quality clothing and attend a daycare that isn't run by sewer-rat-eating-carnies grow up to be materialistic. Obviously.

thinkthrice's picture

Good luck with your response. I have written "OP EDS" to some of these columnists and have been wholeheartedly ignored. These columnists are in love with the sound of their own keyboard and think their advice is supreme.

"Dear Frustrated: Life is not fair; no one has the same circumstances in life and to try to make it so is sheer foolishness. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and show some pride in self achievement. Stop trying to level the playing field with other people's money as that never works."

And then I would copy in the current regime of the U.S.A., but i digress.

PeanutandSons's picture

Heres my take

I have no intention of funding college for either skid.....and I intend to help my two bios in anyway possible. Thats ME.

I expect dh to treat all 4 of HIS kids equally. Whether that means he helps with 500 a month to each or nothing. But I do expect him to be even with his support. I would be equally upset if dh supported the skids over our kids... Or... Our kids over the skids.

But in this particular situation.. Did the writer even ask her Dad fkr assitance?? Was her Dad given decjsion power over the choice of school and in turn the cost? Bottomline, she could NT afford the school she chose. She made that decision, there are much cheaper options. Maybe her sister made better choices a.d ks going to a mucb cheaper school. Maybe sm is funding their standard of living and the college.

This basically boils down to sour grapes.

PeanutandSons's picture

Or that.....absutely no way to tell fro the letter.

But bottomlind, the letter writer chose to accumulate kver 100 thousand dollars in debt. No one forced her to do that. Dad didny promise to pay and then back out after she was enrolled.....she freely decided as an adult to take on that debt.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Reminds me of the time BM expected my DH to pay for 50% of some bullshit modeling course SD13 wanted to join. His 50% would have been $1500.00. I pitched a fit and said absolutely NOT. BM called my DH and told him that if UFRs son could go to expensive football camps HER daughter should be able to get what she wanted as well. I ripped that bitch a new one. I explained to her that MY son goes to football camps on MY dime not my DHs. I also explained to her that SHE got a very hefty CS check every month and that if she didn't know how to make things happen for her kid with that money that was NOT our problem. Needless to say, the kid didn't get to go to any stupid modeling class. Mind you, she isn't even all that pretty!

hipster54's picture

The will and trust is another thing. When we were in the process of putting ours together, hubby was upset because I left her out of it. It took him a good few days to understand that this is OUR will, not HIS own. I had to explain that if he wants to leave her things, he needs to draft out one for himself but everything WE leave behind, we leave to our own child. Especially since she will be our only one as we can't have anymore. Last thing I need is for my SD to fight me for things she has no right to.

The same thing goes for items that I had been collecting from before I had my daughter. She would make comments about how her mom told her that I'm selfish and materialistic because I have so many purses, scarves, or certain clothing items. Before I had my baby I would explain that I have nothing but nieces her age and most of my purses are designer, which in turn will be vintage someday and that I will be leaving each niece with certain items when I die.

She now assumes that she and our baby will be inheriting my bags. Uhm no. I think not. Now that you actually know what a designer bag is, now you think I'll leave something for you? No way. All of my vintage items will be left to my nieces and the bulk to my daughter.

THANK GOD I HAD A GIRL! LOL

hipster54's picture

I live in Texas and I'm not sure if our support laws are different but CS ends when the biokid turns 18, however, if the kid is in college they can keep their parent on support until they graduate/or drop out. At that point the CS gets paid out to biokid, not Mom. If my SD were to do this, I would be okay with it, as long as she's in school.

However, she's already bitching because it's unfair that she didn't get to go to daycare or private school (she overhears our plans of putting my baby in private because her daycare feeds into the private catholic school that it is affiliated with).

We have a 529 that we contribute to monthly that locks in the current college tuition rate at a private university through the Texas Tomorrow Fund should our baby girl decide to pursue higher learning. If and when that happens, by the time she graduates she will have a full 5 years of guaranteed money at a lower tuition rate at her disposal for her to use at a private university, or public and she keeps the rest of the money for herself. When that happens our baby will be 18 and SD will be 28, I can already see the bitterness this will brew.

Lately we've been dealing with a ton of jealousy that stems from all the comparisons and assumptions she makes and it doesn't help that BM feeds a lot of this b*llshit to her.

Anon2009's picture

"however, if the kid is in college they can keep their parent on support until they graduate/or drop out."

You should notify SD of this right before she turns 18. Then if she makes complaints similar to those of the writer, you can say, "I told you that you had the option of keeping your dad on support until you graduate and you chose not to."

hipster54's picture

We've already told her that. We also explain that if she'd rather live in our home, that she has the option of deciding once she turns 12.

Her mother lies to her a whole lot and as it is she's kind of brain washed. We just now settled our custody modification agreement in May, but before that my husband's situation was your typical case of parental alienation syndrome.

We were in court through out my entire pregnancy, BM didn't care to modify her custody order or even cared about allowing my husband access to see his SD until she found out that we were having a baby.

And now here we are...

Drac0's picture

>So there. What would you do if faced with a similar scenario?<

I'm sorry, I am still trying to wrap my brain around the concept of my SS actually *going* to college.

*ahem*

That being said, when it comes to post secondary education and financial aid, I've stated my intentions to DW quite clearly. If SS goes the distance, actually puts in the effort and shows interest in college after high school, I will support him; both financially and emotionally. SS, to date, has been only putting in a minimum amount of effort in his school work. Not only that, but some teachers have complained that he is disruptive in class. So if this current trend continues, the only "help", I will be willing to give, is packing some boxes to help SS move out of the house once he turns 18.

DW balked and cried about it because this is only 5 years away. However, it is the same deal I will make for my two bios. Oh, and incidentaly, it was the EXACT SAME DEAL my own parents made for me 20 years ago. So I don't think I am in any way unfair.

Frustr8d1's picture

It's bullshit and sexist. For me, BM expects my DH to pay for 100% of her lifestyle AND her demon child that I'm being forced to raise now since BM abandoned this skid....Yet, before I met DH, I had a fulltime career, IRA, investments, house, car that I paid for myself. When needed, I want to contribute my savings and investments to my own bios, NOT to this BM's kid she decided to drop on us to pay for 100%

hipster54's picture

EXACTLY! And why didn't Prudence suggest that she also sit down with BM to ask why she didn't set aside some of the CS money for college. The letter writer mentioned that her mother had remarried as well so even if they didn't have an affluent lifestyle, BM could have put aside a good $100 dollars a month to help out with something. Cost of books each semester at least!

Why does she have to cool off and discuss with Dad? Plus Dad shouldn't have to explain how he and SM manage their money in order to help her half sister out. Their finances are none of her business, especially if he paid his CS every month.

Who racks up 100k in debt, especially when they claimed that they lived at home and worked through college? If she had good grades, you would think grants and scholarships would offset some of the monetary load. She's not paying room and board since she lives at home. Unless she has a Masters and a Bachelors, I can't see how she racked up that much in student loans after paying her way through college.

newtothis03's picture

No one should just feel entitled. The stepchild should have sought scholarships and grants. DH and I have mentioned setting up a savings account for college to BM. She was not interested. We pay CS and we have no control how BM spends it. We do plan on starting our own family and will be setting up a savings for college, as well as encourage the child to make good grades