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OT-am I losing it or is he really cruel or psycho? ugh :-(

herewegoagain's picture

So for a while things have not been going well. The BS line of I am trying and this time it will be different is fading as usual. To top it off, some of whom I thought were my good friends have told me I need to "lighten up and not be so negative", while nothing is truly said to my DH. I have been reading about psychopaths and passive aggressive men for a while and honestly the more I read, the more worried I become. I am not trying to make him into something he is not, we have been together for 15 years and it is just recently that I have started to think that things are really way off here.

My latest example? After some months of trying to meet up with someone I met through FB and mutual friends (we both have autistic kiddos), this lady and I decided to go hang out at a local burger place and take our kids with us to watch the US soccer game yesterday. We were to be there are 3PM and I really did not invite or expect DH to show up as he should have been at work. I did tell him to call me when he was on his way home, as our son had a swimming class last night to attend so that we could figure out if I should take him or if he would pick him up from that place to take him. What happens? Yesterday morning I was up by 730AM and DH had left to go to work super early. Most days he doesn't leave until 8AM or so, but yesterday he was gone closer to 6AM. I thought it was strange and called him around 1PM to tell him when we would be leaving, etc. and to ask him why he had left so early. He stated he had lots of work and wanted to get as much done as possible, thus he left early. What's the big deal?

When I arrived at the restaurant, I called DH to tell him I was fine, we had made it there ok, etc. and sure enough, he tells me he is trying to finish work asap to "meet us there" early. In my mind I thought "why? I didn't really invite you…it was going to be just this lady, her daughter, our son and myself…" So, sure enough about an hour later he arrives. I continued to talk/chit chat with this lady, our kids were getting along great, etc…so I didn't make a big deal out of it. I stepped outside to smoke and since I was in a chair in between them two, I told him he could move to my chair to talk to her so she wasn't just sitting there not talking. No big deal, everything was fine.

We get home about 4 hours later. I am telling DH that I had such a great time with this new friend and it was awesome to see our son truly interacting with the girl who is is his age…this is major for autistic kiddos as many don't have many friends due to their unique interests. And so here is where it gets weird (at least to me)…DH says to me "yes, she was very nice…I wasn't sure what to expect since she lives in X and you know that even you say that a lot of people that live there are just a bit off (this is just the way it is)…but she was very nice. You know? She has a psychology major." At that point I said "wow, really, her and I talked for quite a while and that never even came up". He then proceeded to tell me … "yes, she has a psychology major, but because she doesn't have a masters can't practice here…but she works as an accountant in such place…you know, I was expecting her to be very different but she could follow a conversation from fun to serious and back and not miss a beat (mind you, DH has told me many times I don't get jokes and I need to lighten up too). Also, I was shocked to see she has a tattoo on her ankle…she had super high heels on, so she's shorter than you…" Honestly, I looked at him at that point and said "wow, sorry, it's just kind of weird that you seemed to have "studied" her so well in just a few minutes…I guess I don't study people that way, much less people of the opposite sex". At that point he said "don't make this be something it's not, it's not that I like her, it's just that in my type of work we are always taught to read people well, etc…so that's what I do." Honestly, at that point I was starting to feel sick, as I was the one who originally told him to get into that type of work because he was so good at convincing people. When we first dated he mentioned that he had seen me 3 years before, at X place, wearing X clothes, etc. and I thought it was a bit freaky…but of course, I ignored it as many people told me to ignore that…that maybe he just liked me so much". Honestly, after all the reading I have done it seems freaky to me. He has a habit of befriending any single girl friends I have ever had to the point that the girls defend him for being so sweet and eventually start treating me like shit. This never happens with my married girlfriends, only the single ones.

I'll write about the other stuff later…but want to get your input. I am really starting to think there is something very wrong here.


misSTEP's picture

Always trust your gut instincts. They are there for a reason and, if ignored, a person usually regrets it.

herewegoagain's picture

You know, the fact he went I wasn't too happy with…but what really freaked me was the way he seemed to "study her" inside and out…like, WTH?

herewegoagain's picture

Thanks for your input. The one thing I know he is not is autistic…hehe Smile My son and myself are, but he definitely is not. He remembers NOTHING…hehe…the only things he remembers are things about women such as this. But he remembers nothing else.

Yes, I do understand that this is just one thing. What to me makes him a bit off and more psycho is the fact that 1. I was told by his sister years ago that he had NO FEELINGS (I thought she was just a witch) 2. when his stepfather passed away and the doctors told him even the doctors asked him "are you in the military or something? you are the only person we have ever said these words to and your father just died and you have zero reaction in your eyes, nothing" 3. before we met (and I had no idea until we were together with a child), he was always in fist fights and other such things since a very early age…maybe 11-12 4. he had sexual encounters VERY early, i.e. closer to 9-10? ugh 5. he never makes ANY plans for the future…none, zip…has zero goals…none 5. he has taken money from me many times and never really said sorry in a way that it seemed that he meant it…there is always a distant look in his eyes when I confront him about such things…like there is NOTHING there 6. as far as he's concerned he is PERFECT…he thinks he has the best personality, the best looks, you name it…his EGO is way out of whack 7. NOTHING that happens or has ever happened in our home is EVER is fault…nothing that happened before we met was EVER his fault…he NEVER and I mean, never takes responsibility for anything…from bad first marriage, to crappy relationship with SD, to ruined credit, nothing…nothing is ever his fault 8. I was not aware until later, but he "pursued" me for 4 yrs…he freely tells people that the first day he saw me people told him I was X person's daughter and from that day on he was on a mission to be with me 9. he lies and has lied to me more times than I can count…he lies literally about 99.9% of things that he does or happen 10. he is extremely charismatic, everyone seems to like him…actually, mostly women and some men…but most men once they know him well (like some of my friends), back off a bit… 11. basically, most of my friends that I was friends with before I met him or after that he knows, have either sided with him or moved away from me…the only friends he hasn't been able to do that with are friends that he has little contact with and I do have contact with…he belittles me as a "joke" in front of others and then says it's all fun and games…but what it does is make those people stay away from me and then he seems happy that I am stuck at home with no real friends…

herewegoagain's picture

Thanks for your input. For more than 15 years I have actually attempted to be understanding. I didn't know much of this, actually NONE of it, when we met or even before we started living together. It all began to unravel later. I read and read and read some more. I have talked with him, tried to be understanding of why he does some of these things, etc…He has NOW, after 15+ years of driving me insane decided to seek therapy. I spoke to his therapist and honestly I am worn out. I am not one to give up on people easily, I am a person who truly tries to understand, see the good in people, etc…but at this point I feel like his actions have "broken my soul". I can't explain it any better than that. He wants me to be patient with him now that he is seeking therapy, but I have begged him for years to seek therapy, etc. and he never cared…so in a way I now feel that he knows I am on my way out and this is his way to try to stop me. It's like if he does this and I leave him now, it's my fault because obviously I didn't care enough…when the fact is that I cared enough to stay throughout 15+ years of this shit and he never cared enough to make things better until now. Maybe I need a break, maybe I'm no longer willing to deal with this chaos in my life. I was a VERY different person when we met. So many things he "claimed to have liked about me", i.e. my apartment was always very clean, my car, my life was 100% in order, my credit was perfect, I was very responsible, everyone always had nice things to say about me, etc…he has little by little attempted to change in me to meet HIS needs. He liked my apartment was spotless, but after some years of living together he wanted me to clean less and enjoy life more…then when I let things go (although very difficult for me), he would complain that I wasn't doing much…it's like he wants me to become something I am not but HE MET ME THAT WAY…I never hid who I was. He on the other hand did HIDE who he truly was, as what he presented himself at and told me all ended up being lies or half-truths…i.e. he claimed he had his own home, he would be paying for everything in the home once we moved in together…within a month or so, I realized his home was actually in foreclosure…that's not owning a home, you don't own shit if your home is in foreclosure…owning a home and telling me he did showed me that he was responsible and really he was far from it. After we moved in together he never had enough money just to pay the basics of his "home"…Just things like that. So I feel like he misrepresented who he was to me in order to get me hooked, but for 15yrs I have had to live/accept that he was not the person he said he was…yet he constantly bashes me for being exactly whom he KNEW I was…

Sorry, thanks for allowing me to vent here. I am really at my wits end. The only reason I am still here at this point is because I lost my job since he didn't want to move back to the US. If I had that job again, I would be gone…100% gone…not because I don't or didn't love him, but because it has been too many years of me being understanding and him treating me like shit…I feel it's a little too late now…and by the way, even now that he is going to therapy, if I get angry about these things he just fires back…so not only does he expect me to SUPPORT him through his counseling, but he seems to expect me to continue putting up with this crap and say nothing… Sad

herewegoagain's picture

hmmm…yes, I have read about that too…it's been about a year that I started reading more about these things he did…as more things came up, then some things did not seem to fit him…but then it opened up to where others he had even more traits…I don't know but my gut tells me that there is something very wrong, yet I don't want to judge him in that way if he is indeed "broken" because of his past…but the more I read the more I become worried and scared…really… Sad

herewegoagain's picture

I do believe he knows the meaning between right or wrong but he doesn't care. AFTER we started living together I found out he had many traffic tickets which I made him pay. When driving I am always telling him to stop, blah, blah, blah…he doesn't feel that rules apply to him. EVERYTHING in life is like this for him it seems. Rules apply to other people, not him.

This thing about him seeking counseling I do NOT think is because he thinks there is something wrong with him, I do NOT think it is because he wants our relationship to work out…I think it is ONLY because he is very close to our son and he knows I will move out of this country if we divorce. Honestly, that is what I believe.

I have told him many times that I do not feel he loves me because of all the things he does, lies, doesn't care if we have enough to eat, nothing…and he the other day told me "honestly, if we divorce I feel even more sorry for you than me…because you have no IDEA how much I love you and I doubt anyone can ever love you as much as I do"…my mind was like WTF? The next day I calmly sat down with him and told him that I felt his words were just a way to manipulate me into staying. I told him very calmly actually "you know, maybe you do love me, but in your own way. To say that you feel sorry for me because I would never find anyone who loves me like you do honestly makes me think that you don't think I am worthy and that nobody else could possibly love me. The fact is that although me wanting a divorce has NOTHING to do with me finding someone else, I could care less…if I ever find anyone who loves me 1/2 as you do, but doesn't lie to me, pays bills on time, worries about my future as well as our son's, thinks about following the law when he drives and not put our safety on the line, I will be ok. That will be good enough for me." Sad

herewegoagain's picture

Hugs to you. Believe me I understand this whole labeling thing. Heck, my son was diagnosed with autism and I have ensured that he is not labeled as many have the view that people with AS have no empathy, are bad people, etc…and NOTHING could be further from the truth. Also, I will say that there is no doubt I am AS myself and I do have OCD, etc. so I do not claim to be perfect and understand that we all have something…

With that said, when I look at ANY list of psychopath behaviors, my DH fits basically ALL OF THEM…not just one or two, but ALL of them. The more I think of things that have happened that I ignored or attributed to some childhood issue, the more it scares me…because really, he has ALL of the signs…and yet, I am not a psychologist and don't want to label him, yet there is so much more outside of what I have said here that all points to the same exact thing.

For a long time I read about his issue about "lying", thinking that it was just one thing…etc…and tried to understand…but now, it seems that when I put ALL of the things together, I end up with the same list of psychopath behaviors and he matches them all…and that really now makes me "scared" vs. before I was angry…In a way I don't even feel angry anymore at him, but I do feel scared as I read books about this and realize that it's almost as if they are talking about my husband. Again, the things I have said here are only a few…there are much worse things Sad PS taking care of his family is the least he does…the only thing he does to take care of his family is cook sometimes…and my husband NEVER has kept his word…ever.

Jsmom's picture

Your instincts are right, this is weird. He should not have met you, you need to tell him that it bothered you. You have a right to have friends without your husband.

noway70's picture

Herewego, your descrption of him is really, really creepy. Trust your gut instincts. This guy seems truly off.
Have you ever seen him get violent?
How was it when he was with BM? Or when they broke up?
Please take steps to protect yourself and your DS, even if nothing concrete has happened. And do keep your money where he can't get a hold of it.

herewegoagain's picture

I have not seen him in a fight ever, as once he told me about it, I let him know if it ever happened again, he would be out the door. I am assuming it has not ever happened at this point…I am pretty sure it hasn't. He does tell me and has told me that if it weren't for me, he knows he'd probably be fighting people still… Sad

Now a few times a couple of years ago things did get out of hand with us. To the point that although he did not HIT me, he did raise his hand and I slapped him…I freaked, honestly, FREAKED…his eyes looked like he was going to kill me…I have a few times when we fight told him that "he freaks me out because he doesn't become angry but he truly has a HATE look in his eyes that I just can't describe". Sad That was once and has never happened again. But when we argue, sometimes I do get this "disgust, hate look from him" although he claims I am making things up.

PS I am trying to work through this to figure out what to do…our son ADORES him, he of course doesn't understand all of this…but I am trying to figure out a way to be safe…I just finally got myself a CELL PHONE (a cheap one), because I am honestly feeling his pushback as I attempt to say something is off and I need out…not by him being violent, but by him saying or doing things to play with my head, such as yesterday or making me feel guilty, etc…By the way, many people have asked me "why don't you just leave"…easier said that done…NOBODY in my family or friends really know all of these things I just said here and believe me there is MUCH MUCH MORE than this and WORSE…so in a way although I have wanted to leave for some time, I have tried to figure out a way to work through it because I am terrified of him being able to take our son for visitation outside of the country, etc. because I do feel he could be a bit crazier than I thought… Sad

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

He sounds like a controlling abuser type.

You're doing something without him so he makes this Herculean effort to show up uninvited.

Then with his comments he is subtly trying to cast her in an off light and simultaneously trying to make you feel insecure thusly fixing it so you wouldn't maybe want these outside interests.

Maybe I read too much into it but to me it doesn't look good.

herewegoagain's picture

Thanks…yes, believe me that is on my mind. We'll see what happens, but right now I am studying him, etc. and I will protect myself and my son…even if that means that I lie…too many years of his lies have broken me and this time, I have to protect myself and my son…so I will plan this well…no doubt.

herewegoagain's picture

All these years he has claimed there is NOTHING wrong with him. It is now that he "claims" that maybe there is an issue…but really, when I have talked to him it doesn't seem like he really sees a "problem or issue"…it almost seems like he is doing it more as "maybe there is an issue, so I will go to ensure that they tell me that there's nothing wrong with me and I can prove you wrong". Sad That is the vibe I get…not that he really sees an issue. Again, it's like he knows this is no longer going to work so he wants to have a "free" conscience…I very highly doubt that he will be more honest with a therapist than he has been with me…and I highly doubt he will truly tell a therapist all the things he has done...