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Exhausted, irritated, frustrated

Henderson34's picture

Ok so my SS is 9 I have been in his life for 7 years and we have some up and downs but it is really getting out of control the older he gets. I feel like he makes things up or exaggerates things to make me feel like I am nobody to him. This is an example my SS bio mother bought him an IPHONE not sure why considering we have a home phone, my phone, my husbands phone, and my 15 year olds. Well that’s fine and dandy except his BM didn’t even talk to his father before doing so. Well he brings it over to our house and brags and flaunts it in my kids face. So I told my husband that it’s fine she bought him the dang phone but should stay at her house as the other kids don’t and won’t get one to me they are not old enough yet. He runs to his mom and says he’s unconfortable around me sometimes. Well now I am the bad person because my SS feels uncomfortable around me because I said that to my kids. His mom doesn’t seem to allow him to be around me anymore as if I abused him.  So I am supposed to sit back allow him to be spoiled and Bragg in front of my other kids because what I say goes right out the window. God only knows what else he has said about me to his mom. The thing that’s irritating is that we have 4 kids at home she has 1, we have our rules and she hers. I feel that somethings should be discussed with us before making some decisions. My SS also chokes my son and gets in no trouble. Feel like I’m at a dead end. Help


MurphysLaw's picture

“That’s nice, cherish it & treat it like your best friend, cause you are so incredibly rude and no one likes a braggart, no one will ever want to be friends with you.”

oh yeah I’d say it & then every 15 minutes ask him how his new best friend is? And laugh at him for being a loser , don’t care that he’s 9

twoviewpoints's picture

It is not BM's problem that you have 4-5 children to afford while she has one child. If she wants to spend her money and/or CS on fancy phones and materialist unneeded junk on her kid, she can.She doesn't have to discuss those items with you or your DH.

What dad can control is whether or not the kid has or uses it in your home. If it's causing issues in the home when SS is there have Dad take it away and only give it back when kid goes back to BM's. Then Dad can inform BM please do not send the phone again. That if she does anyway,he will keep taking it and putting it up.

BM can not control your home just as Dad can't control hers.

Now,what's this crap about skid choking other children in your home? 

Henderson34's picture

I know it’s not her problem but I still talk to my children’s father regarding certain things especially if it is going to come into my home and possibly disrupt things. But SS father doesn’t care that this goes on. Pretty much goes with it because of she will take him away if I speak up is his thought process.  There needs to be some respect for my home and my rules regardless of who’s child is there. But my SS Chokes my son regularly and it has even been covered up by husbands Mom. I have told my SS not to put his hands on him but as a step parent I only can do so much without dealing with am I doing something to make BM mad, what should I do, is SS gonna make it worse than it is etc. I have talked to husband just goes out the window. 

twoviewpoints's picture

Ridiculous. Change your lines of thinking. As the mother of the choked child it is very much your business. If your child is being physically attacked by this other child, you are aware of it and do nothing, you, could lose your child. 

Stop the 'there is noting I can do; crap. 

Also, you can totally forget the idea that your rules and you deserve some respect from BM. BM is going to do whatever she pleases. As long as your BF allows it and shuts his eyes to it all out of some fear his kids won't be able to come any longer, why the heck would BM even reconsider what she is getting away with?

And here you are ,just ranting and venting as if helpless in your own home and against a nine year old child.   No man is worth the safety and well being of your own children.Your children are growing up resenting their mother who won't put their well being above her man. That old thing about which comes first and should be a priority, you know, 'the marriage comes first and is always the priority' is hogwash when and if the household environment is detrimental to the safety an well being of the children. 

You can't control this BM and that  DH of yours doesn't care if your own children have a safe stable home. He doesn't care about your children at all. Never will. It's all about him and his kid. 


Siemprematahari's picture

Who cares what BM, your H's mom thinks?? Your child is being choked and this is not OK! The next time he gets choked and loses consciousness than what??? Are you gonna care what everyone else things at that point? This child should not be allowed in your home if he's not able to keep his hands to himself. He needs therapy and your H needs to support this.

Your childs safety comes 1st! As for the cell phone just have your H put it away when the child arrives but I'd address the whole choking situation because this is crazy.

Blueskyz's picture

My SD is 10, she’ll be 11 in November. Her iPhone has done nothing but cause major problems. We have shared custody. Week with Mom and a week with us. Her Mom purchased the phone and expected us to allow her to bring it to our house. She never asked prior to purchasing it. Anyway long story short. Her grades have dropped from A’s to C’s and D’s. She is completely out of control. She hates her Dad bc her won’t allow her to have it here. She’s on snap chat, Instagram all hours of the night at her Moms. My husband/her Dad asked for her passwords so he could monitor her, she claimed she didn’t know them. She’s been in the Principles office so many times. She’s received detentions while at her Mom’s for bringing it to school. ..... fast forward a few months.. My husband managed to get the passwords to her accounts and we couldn’t believe what we were reading. She said she hated me and wanted to kill me, she claimed her Dad slapped her and beat her ... she was cussing, and telling a friend she needed a gun to shoot me! Why? Bc we don’t allow her to bring her phone to our house. She’s 10 years old! We have a home phone, my husband and I both have cell phones so she can use the phone anytime she wants. I won’t lie ... I was hurt and mad as hell when I read all this crap, bc she and I have always been close. She entered my life when she was three years old. So my advise is .... keep the phone at Moms House. Children need to be children as long as possible. They need to play, go outside, get dirty, and learn social skills, not spend their time in a iPhone trance.

MoominMama's picture

This is why phones are poison.

We had custody, skids lived with us and BM was EOWE. She had always been toxic. SS was then 11 and being high functioning AS he was not bothered by peer pressure or trends and was not interested in a phone. She kept nagging about it though. His dad should buy one etc etc. We ignored it. Eventually one turned up. She supplied him with an old phone of her BF's and only paid for a 10 euro top up on it. Cheapskate all the way. So... SS returned to us on the sunday night and immediately showed us the phone and said 'I don't even want this'. DH put it away. A few days later she had already text him asking why he has not contacted her? and trying to get him to come over to her on the following saturday 'for ice cream' - not her weekend. She did not tell DH about the phone, she did not contact and ask DH if SS could come and have ice cream on the weekend that is not her visitation. Subtefuge all the way. The phone was sent back to her on the following visitation weekend and BM was saying to SS 'your dad won't let ;you have a phone! how terrible he is blah blah, he wont let you talk to your mama, hes a bad person etc' SS just told her he doesnt want a phone.

This is the woman that although she is non custodial and only sees them once a fortnight and SS was only 8 when she left, never once conctacted them on the landline (which she was always allowed access to) to say good night or how are you etc. The cell phone was all about PAS. By that time she had already alienated SD to the point where she had left here and gone to live with BM. This also was done partially through the phone. SD related everything to BM via texts. This was going on from the minute I moved in.

Phones can be toxic and evil in a stepfamily situation and the newer ones with internet access, photographic abilities etc are the devil. Those who allow these phones in their homes must surely realise that they are being used in this way?

MoominMama's picture

The point of the iPhone is to snoop on you and your family. It is too keep a direct line of PAS. 

Did he have a phone before that? If you allowed BM to have him use a phone and contact her etc before this then it's (Imo) irrelevant what type of phone it is. She is just showing off and probably knows that your kids don't have the same.

I would be more worried about the photos, texts, calls or recordings of events at your home that are winging their way to BM. Yes, I agree that an I phone at his age is spoiling but BM doesn't give a monkeys what you think sadly. 

Op, reading further I can see that you have got into the habit of feeling powerless. But, this is also YOUR home and your children's home. Your DH does not get to call all the shots. You MUST protect your own children even if it ends your marriage to this man. In this situation your kids come first.



Disneyfan's picture

Why is the cell phone even an issue??

The OP's son is being CHOCKED REGULARLY by her SS.  Yet her orginal post is about a dang IPHONE and the SS having/bragging about crap her kids don't have.

The physical abuse her child is enduring was tossed out a few posts later as an after thought.*unknw* 

MoominMama's picture

How old are they? You mention a 15 year old, and the others? How old is the one that is getting 'choked' regularly? 

Henderson34's picture

First I want to say thank you to everyone for your input. I will address a few things, the choking of my son is dealt with at the time as I am not afraid to punish my SS this isn't like a daily thing but doesn't matter. He likes to do this when he is showing off or trying to get attention. Everyone of his mom and dads family puts a blind eye to it and plays it off as they are horsing around. I know some of you prob think spanking is bad but bet your ass when I see that he is doing this to my son its game on it just doesn't seem to matter because the follow through with his parents is not happening. This also was not an after thought I was stating what was going on at the moment what I have dealt with just the last few days. I have now disengaged from this child and have been keeping me and mine busy and away until my SS parents deal with the issues they have to deal with, and I have told husband that if he can't control his son that I will be filing for divorce. I have also assured husband that if SS chokes my son again I will not only bust his ass but will get the appropriate people involved so SS can get help.Told husband maybe his son needs therapy. My son is 8 my SS is 9 I notice alot of D*** messuring contests going on, such as well I can do this better or I have better clothes. SS does because I can only afford what I can afford. My kids are perfectly ok with it until SS son comes and shows off. We split time and its a weird schedule which doesn't help we have SS half the week then his mom has the other half. My SS has ADHD and his parents allowed him to choose to be taken off his meds which he needs as he is all over the place and can't focus on a single task longer than 5 minutes or forgets to do things. Just since this blow out over the stupid phone he hides the phone from me until I am not in the room, he is lying and blaming it on "Oh I forgot" bullcrap. But BM assumes I am attacking her son and he does no wrong she refuses to even talk to me because I am not SS parent. Since this stupid phone thing BM keeps son with her till Dad can get him because I make her kid uncomfortable because I speak my mind and he doesn't like what I have to say, which I guess is better for all involved. My children are not perfect or angels to say the least but I have taught my kids to respect people, not to expect anything, to be the better person, don't start anything finish it. So for now I distant myself and my kids. My SS has always had access to a phone to call his mommy so getting him an IPHONE is ridiculous. This is just everything piling up and I was just asking for advice.

twoviewpoints's picture

So your answer to violence on one child is to turn around and use physical violence on the offender? 

I'm out.


Disneyfan's picture

Getting the boy a IPHONE is not ridiculous if mom can afford it.  Just because she has different views/financial abilities than you, it doesn't make her choices ridiculous.


The best advice anyone can give you is to remove your kids from that environment.  Not because their stepbrother brother brags about having expensive things,but because one is being physically abused.

If you are spanking SS for what he is doing, you are opening the door for his mother to file a child abuse claim about you.  An investigation can cause problems for you.  Once it is revealed that your son is "CHOCKED REGULARLY" and you have not taken steps to protect your son, CPS may question your ability to keep you kids out of harms way.



MoominMama's picture

The spanking of a child not your own is wrong and it obviously doesn't work because he is still doing it. No form of punishment will work if it is not backed up (preferably done by) his father.

Demand that this is dealt with and stopped and if not it is your duty to protect your child and leave. 

* why did they allow him to choose to come off the meds anyway? Wouldn't the school have some input on that?