Can there be a truce?
FDH asked me if he thought he could just call a truce with BM. What do you think?
I knew the fight with BM would leave him upset for a while. I guess he was thinking a lot about it yesterday, and it weighed heavily on him that they still have at least another 14 years to go. That's quite a while. He doesn't want to fight the whole time. He said we're happy with our life, she seems happy with her life, why can't we just live our lives and take care of the kids without being so aggressive?
He is tired. He knows something is going to happen if they continue down this road for the next decade or so. He wants resolution, and he knows it may not be possible. I feel so bad for him.
He said he'd like to meet with her and see if they can come to a truce. If she is angry then she can get it all out at once rather than keep this up for years. I do know that they usually don't even TRY to communicate, and it was that way in marriage and divorce so there are really years of resentment and pent up hostility there. I don't think BM will get over that not matter what kind of olive branch FDH extends--but then again, FDH seems pretty over it, so it should be possible for her too, right? There's no harm in trying, right? I think it will at least alleviate FDH's conscience that he did TRY. I told him that if he was going to do this that he would have to stay calm and try to ignore any barbs. He said that he thought they worked it out so he's not sure why it seems to be getting worse, not better with time. I said to ask her straight up if there was something he/I said or did that is causing a problem. I even offered for him to tell her that if she wants to meet me I would be okay with that. I know this seems kind of lame, but trust me, it is a big step for FDH to even think of this. I know it's only because he really wishes they could just shake on it and all would be even and fine, but he knows that's really unlikely.
He said if this last attempt fails, he's prepared to go back to court to fight for lower CS payments, as well as several mods to the custodial agreement.
Have any of you had any success by opening up communication with BM? They've never really tried it, it seems. So it could work, right?
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We tired and failed in
We tired and failed in dealing with SS - it was still one sided, if you did not agree with her she went nuts. She would agree to things and then lie (just like her son)
All communication with her is off - my DH sent her a text a couple of months back after one of her ridiclious emails to leave him alone.
She can deal with SS21 however she wants but that is between her and her SS and my DH will do what he feel he needs to do.
Hope I never have to lay eyes on her again she is SCUM.
My SO tried and failed. She
My SO tried and failed. She wants what she wants, it's either her way or she throws a fit.
Her idea of working it out is SO doing exactly what she wants. She does not love her children enough to put them first.
But I am very proud of your DH for even trying. He wants what is best for his child.
I hope you have greater success than my SO did.
Yep, failed for us too. BM
Yep, failed for us too. BM put on her best game face and played along for a while. But when things weren't going just the way she wanted - that's when BM went uber-psycho-crazy. Now SS, DH and I are all still suffering the consequences (emotional and financial) several years later.
Looking back, DH and I had our first baby right around the time that she went nuts. If your FDH does decide to extend the olive branch, then I would highly advise postponing your wedding and/or any children together until after your skids reach 18 and you won't have to deal with BM anymore.
This really worries me. I do
This really worries me. I do not know when FDH and I will get married or have a baby (if we do), but I am beginning to expect some kind of negative backlash from her. I don't want to wait until the kids are a lot older to carry on with moments in my life. FDH isn't getting any younger; he's already 9 years older than me.
Before I came along, she seemed a little more peaceful with FDH. She even helped FSD bake him cakes on his birthday, and he was still invited to her family's Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings to be around the kids. While I am glad that those things have stopped, she seems to be more hostile now. FDH has mentioned it, and said he doesn't understand. He said he could understand if he had left her, but she left him. I didn't arrive on scene until they were already divorced for two years. He said the last two years, and especially this last year (that we've been together) she's been much more difficult. This trend is really worrisome. I wish she'd just marry her BF, have her happy little homemaker life, and leave FDH alone.
Good for your DH for even
Good for your DH for even wanting to try. I think like FormerAAGirl says it could work if you are dealing with a sane BM. But like most of us here the BM's we deal with are all crazy :?
Thank you all for responding.
Thank you all for responding. I honestly had thought that she was a semi-sane BM, but it does seem like things have been getting worse lately. I don't understand why. They seemed to be pretty civil, though not friendly at all, and to do what was necessary for the kids.
The other night though she majorly cursed at FDH in front of FSD. I think I've been trying too hard to give her the benefit of a doubt. The more I think about her actions, the more I really do wonder if she has some prevailing psychological issues. I don't think she's crazy per se, but I think that she has some serious daddy issues (she's sued her father with the help of her mother) that she's now projecting on to FDH. It's a very victimized mentality, thinking the world (ahem, dad and FDH) owes her everything. I don't want FSD to turn out like that. She has so, so much potential to be better than that.
Thank you for your support. I kind of figured that most people wouldn't have positive results with this, but I was hoping. I just wish that there was more that I could do for FDH. He's really trying and I want to be able to tell him that it will be worth it in the end... ugh
I did the olive branch. About
I did the olive branch. About 8 times. It did finally work, although the other 7 times it didn't. If you just keep trying, and BM is at a good point in her life where she isn't so focused on making your life terrible, it can work.
Some people will be hateful no matter what you do so that's a chance you take. I thought BM was this kind of person, but I finally got through somehow. Now we are actually civil and no drama. There is a part of me that is scared that if her relationship doesn't work out it'll go back to being a really bad situation. But it's good now, or should I say for now...
What do you have to lose?
Sorry to add my voice to the
Sorry to add my voice to the general pessimism, but I do think your DH might be making a big effort to no avail. Or possibly she might be reasonable, but it is very likely that after a short time, weeks or months, she will not be able to keep up good behaviour and you will be back to square 1. I do think that good boundaries and assertiveness work better than trying to negotiate with a nutter.