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At last some help!

helen17's picture

Thank you sooo much- I thought I was on my own with this and going crazy! I have been reading since yesterday and at last feel that I am not alone and some kind of evil SM.
I am 40, have 3 bio kids (18, 13 and 9) who live with me and my partner. I also have a 15SS who lives here too and always has since his BM left him with my partner 5 yrs ago. She is horrible, had loads of affairs, left the boy with anyone to go partying and now has her own business but claims poverty so she doesn't have to pay any money to us. She demands when she sees him, never sticks to access and generally calls all the shots.
Anyway the bottom line is I despise SS. He is rude, lazy, selfish, immature and rules this house. My own 3 kids have been bbrought up to work hard at school, be respectful, help around the house and are disciplined nice kids who I am so proud of. This awful teen is ruining my life. He used to be ok and fit in well with my kids but basically he has been allowed to do whatever he wants by both Bio parents since he was 11 because 1) they feel guilty 2) it is easy and 3) he expects it now.
I feel sick every day because my partner actually admits that he will let him do what he wants and he will give him what he wants in order not to 'lose him to her'. He already has because she controls him already. I cook, clean, care, attend school and work full time to support this boy. I get NOTHING in return from him except disrespect which his father will not comment on ( he once said if I showed the boy respect I'd get some back WTF???).
My probs are;
-I hate being in this house when SS is here (he turns up whenever so my kids and I never have any routine in our lives.
-I hate BM and how she gets everything she wants, we always change plans to suit her.
- why won't my partner divorce her after 5 yrs?
- why won't he stick up for this family?
- why is SS allowed to be spoilt brat?
- why does he get away with everything?
-why does it wind me up so much. Partner tells me to let it go and that it is ME that is ruining this family? He sya I LET his ex ruin our relationship(surely thats him).
Oh I have sooo much more to say, but its so good just to make a start and what is eating away at me.
Thanks for listening. They make ME feel like I am the bad one because I can't accept this situatio-partner just keeps saying they are a package and BM is SS mum so I either accept it or leave.


helen17's picture

ps. Example is exam results day today for the whole of the uk. SS has completely ignored it, is not going to pick up results, hasn't even mentioned it to his dad. Dad doesn't know, I only know cos I work in a school. Also it is my bio sons 18th and we have booked and paid for a family meal on a day to suit SS. He now isn't coming and has gone out on his bike with 5 26 yr old friends which Dad thinks is ok..............

Kes's picture

Your partner is helping to create a monster, basically, out of this boy by being unwilling to undertake his parental responsibilities of setting boundaries and imposing discipline on him. It is very short term thinking for him to justify this by saying he does it so that he will not "lose him to the BM" as he is ensuring that his son will grow up domineering, insecure and unloveable and will almost certainly have no friends and find it very hard to have a successful life.
I am not sure, given that you say he lives with you full time, what you mean when you say "he turns up whenever". However, in the light of everything else, this is a minor point. Your partner is trying to put the blame, totally inappropriately, on you. This is unfortunately quite common in stepfamilies. At least you are holding on to the reality that it is NOT your fault, but your partner's. In your place, I would tell him what changes I wanted to see happening, for instance, for him to start standing up to his ex and his son, get a divorce and start behaving like a man instead of sniping at you. If he is not prepared to put changes into effect within a reasonable time scale, I would rethink your future with him, as you won't get any happier and this boy will just get more and more obnoxious.
PS - my SD16 got her GCSE results today as well. Stressful, huh?

helen17's picture

Thank you so much Kes for yr advice. None of my friends have step children and I feel that no one really understands how I feel. I know I can be a good mum as my 3 are great(most of the time lol), I also know how hard it is to enforce discipline, and I think you reap what you sow, so both you and the kids benefit in the end. But Partner just thinks his son will love him for tting him do everyting, I think not- I think he will USE him.
SS does live with us full time, but visits his BM EOW (altho she usually goes out and gets grown up half sister to babysit him). He never ever sticks to regular access, he comes and goes from the house as he feels.This is his choice and he has been allowed to decide his own visitation since 11 yrs old. Sometimes he doesn't come home saying he is staying at mums (she lives 30 miles away). He is always late for dinner or doesn't show(partner says it is only foodhe's a tenager, whats the prob) On wkneds when my 3 visit their dad he turns up or rings us and says he needs to come home to get things. I can never plan when he will be here for meals or otherwise. Partner leaves him a key(he has lost 3) so that he can come and go. I have just put a lock on our bedroom door as he walks in and uses the shower without asking. I have no privacy.
He is just such hard work and partner is making it so much harder by no backing me. They have private chats in SS's room that I am not party to. They make their own arrangements about everything, even tho all our money is joint and the house belongs to both of us. I discuss everything about my own 3 with my partner as he is doing the job of bringing them up and I respect his opinion oon their upbringing. Have tried giviing an ultimatum but not with a timescale-maybe I should do that. Thank you Smile

Auteur's picture

WELCOME to "Guilty Daddy Land."

I'd think long and hard before continuing this relationship as hard as that may sound. Your bios WILL resent the double standard and blame YOU for it!!

Unless biodad is willing to step up and parent without being afraid of "losing" SS (TM), I would start planning your exit strategy.

The dirty little secret is, that the more he parents by guilt, the more DISrespect his son will have for him and the FASTER he will lose said son.