You are here


helen17's picture

Tried disengaging and SS15 is taking this as his opportunity to completely get daddy to do everything he says. I cannot witness this pathetic guitly parenting and not be engaged in it. I have to be physically absent to not let it get to me. I feel physically sick and am furious. Basically SS wants to alter visitation (fo the millionth time in 5 yrs) to suit him. He has failed exmas , is direspectful and causes trouble at school. He lives with us mostly (and my 2 kids)and seeing as this was my house too, I said that no sorry it was unacceptable for him to just come and go as he pleases. SO agreed , told SS who said 'no' he would do what he wants, now SO is saying he has to do what SS wants to 'keep him happy'. I HATE this manipulative lying child' and I hate his fathers complete lack of respect for my feelings and opinions. Sad


mlmt1128's picture

Seriously? The problem is your dh not the kid. If he knows he's going to get away with that crap of course he's going to try it! I would kill dh if he said something like that to me. WHo is in charge of the home, him or the children??

helen17's picture

Yes it is him, and I told him that and he says I am immature and jealous................I said his lack of parenting is the reason his son is failing and has no respect for me or any other adult. He said ' yeah its all my fault, I'm such a bad parent'. Yes you ARE!!!

alwaysanxious's picture

When SO said he wouldn't parent his kids, I said fine. We can't live together. We need to end it. He started looking at apartments. An hour later, he says what I'm asking isn't that demanding and he should be doing these things anyway.

Don't let anyone push you in YOUR home. Otherwise, you will continue to get sick. Been through it.

JRTerrierMom's picture

1-Helen17. Love your Avi. Wink

2 - The Boy is manipulating his father. You, the kid and (I suspect) his father know this. I would sit down with the DH and tell him that this kind of constant change is unacceptable and disruptive. That he's the father and needs to put his foot down because, well, as his father and the man of the house - it's his responsibility.

3 - Patience is difficult. I would be there and make sure i knew what was being said, only to engage when an obvious lie or manipulation was happening with a simple, quiet, "No, that's not what happened and you know it" or a "That's a manipulation [insert boys name here] and you are just trying to get your way". Just state it.

This worked for my xSS. He eventually got so mad he blew up calling me every name in the book (he gets his good manners from his father). I just smiled and told him i'm sorry he's upset, but there's nothing I can do about it as he did this to himself with lies and manipulations. I put my headphoens on and went back to cleaning - completely dismissing him. This went on for a few days until my xturd decided he'd had enough of the xSS's behavior.

I didn't make the x decide, I just said my part. Who cared what kind of temper tantrum the kid was throwing. I showed him NO attention.

But diff kids, diff dads, diff situation. Hopefully you can get through this without too high blood pressure. I'm sorry you're going through it.


helen17's picture

Thank you soo much, just to be heard and listened to makes me feel like a person again with a valid opinion. The pair of them are wearing me out. When he's here its hell, when he's not its heaven and we try and talk and come to some adult decisions, then SS comes back and they are all dismissed by SO as if we never even talked! Just needed to vent to let out the total frustration I feel right now (and every day when SS is present).

Justshootme's picture

That's the part that drive me the most crazy. Why bother talking to my DH when I know he's just going to "forget" our discussions when it's inconvenient... Sad

JRTerrierMom's picture

Ha, here's a trick I learned - i would text him IMMEDIATLY after we spoke, saying "just to be clear, you said you would BLA BLA BLA" and hten screen cap it, or print it or whatever and keep it.

I'm kind of a turd that way. lol.

helen17's picture

Great idea! When I say, 'but we agreed.......' he looks at me like I am crazy, where do they get off making us feel so bad about their failures??? I'm going to try that thanks Smile

helen17's picture

Inconvenient and difficult....because they would have to say no and its just so much easier to say yes and avoid any actual parenting. You reap what you sow I say, my kids are great(usually!) and they are nice and resprectful and try hard because I worked at it with them...sure they had bad behaviour, I corrected it. Laziness is what I'm thinking!

oneoffour's picture

Have you ever thought about telling SO "Look, we have differing ideas about what is acceptable. So while you have your son living with you, move out into an apartment or hotel room. I own this house as well and as there are 3 of us and majority rules, we don't like his behaviour and it is VERY disruptive so... the next time SS wants to come over, you need to move out until he wants to go back to his mother. Then you can come back here and I can do your laundry and make things niice for you again. The other option is to stop letting your son emotionally blackmail you because in the end NEITHER of you will win.I will give you a couple of days to think about it. And if you think I am being crazy, how crazy is it to allow a 15 yr old exam failing teenager to call the shots?"

My DH allowed his older son to make his own mind up (but then his hands were tied up with an ex weho called all the shots)and said son is now in rehab for drugs and alcohol.... and he is 20 yrs old.