This was not in the brochure
First post but a very much long needed and overdue one, so please forgive me for the following rant.
In fact, I don't know where to start!
Ok, I do have it easy in that we don't live together which means I can just go home when I've had enough and have been doing so but...BUT....so many of your blogs and posts still resonate with me.
We've been together for 4 years. He has 3 mostly lovely children and I have 2 equally mostly lovely children. All are teens.
At first it was easy, it's was great, we all got on well. The kids had a laugh and enjoyed each others company but in the past year or so I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be around his daughter. Mine own daughter is exactly the same age (19), so I know how difficult it is, but this girl is something else.
We can not do ANYTHING without her having to be involved. If we want to go to out for an hour on our own, sd has to have a say in it and want to come along ( I leave my two at home and they are happy to so it's just us, not the kids as well). If we have arranged to go out to eat, SD has to come along and it's always to something she wants to eat or somewhere she wants to go.
OH bought tickets to take me to the theatre for my birthday. It should have been a surprise but due to sd's whining and constant comments about how she wanted to go it was spoilt. I half expected him to ask me to take her instead. All night she was constantly texting him so he didn't see much as he had to keep leaving the seat. He didn't want to turn off his phone in case it was something serious.
She's at college and calls him to pick her up to take her home at 2 in the afternoon. There's a bus, but she doesn't want to wait 20 minutes for it. So like a fool, he leaves his job to take her home! This happens at least once a week.
She works in a store a 20 minute walk away (I've walked it so I know) and there's a bus station and a tram stop, but no, daddy has to take her and bring her back from work. So even if we do go out, he has to be back at a certain time to pick her up from work. She's 20 in a few months FFS.
She leaves towels and dirty clothes everywhere, plates, glasses etc. Doesn't lift a finger to help.
Everything has to be desinger gear, she has to have a holiday abroad at least once a year ( and he can't afford it but she still manipulated him into taking them away) she is taxied eveywhere by him and I was expected to do the same ( it didn't happen and never will).
My biggest annoyance is this, because of the above behaviour, oh gets stressed and worries about his job and rants at me like it's my fault. Every single day. Some days I don't even get a word in apart from hello, how are you and ok, see you later, love you too.
More recently, I've taken to just not answering the phone when he calls as it's the same thing over and over again. It's a telephonic Groundhog Day.
One day, last year, he caught me at a bad day and both parties got a mouthful from me. I told him to stand up for himself and put his foot down and SD to grow up,and be more .Independent.
Guess what happened....I had to apologise for her getting upset. She gets upset at everything and everyone. It's ridiculous, she'll ask for feedback on a piece of work and if what you say isn't said in a simpering manner, she gets upset. If you look at her, she gets upset, if you are frustrated about anything at all, shes gets upset. If you have a conversation without her, she gets upset and so on. In fact it's getting very hard to do, say or suggest anything without her getting upset (this isn't just me either, this is a reaction to everything and everyone, it's no wonder her mates have had enough of her and driving instructors have asked her to look for someone else)
So I warned him that if I did, she would continue and get worse.
It's a year later....same thing, everyday, same rant, same behaviour only now because OH dares goes out once a week, it's too much because he's not around on a Friday night to taxi her from her work to her boyfriends or from home to wherever takes her fancy. Exactly as I said it would happen, although I have distanced myself away a lot since then and continue to do so. It's just frustrating to see him being treated like crap by his own kid when he doesn't deserve it. They live with him most of the time as their mom works on a shift pattern.
I'm just fed up. He's broke because she has to have the latest and best of everything so I buy in food for them as OH is overdrawn with the bank again although this isn't often, it's often enough to be a serious concern. He's had to borrow money from his own mother before now for the same reason.
I just can't see the point of this any more. He's such a lovely bloke and the boys are too but his daughter is a spoilt manipulative madam and I've had enough of seeing him treated like something she stepped in.
Like I said, my own children are no angels but they wouldn't pull these stunts in a million years nor would his other two children.
I just hope that she will grow out of it...one day or OH will finally lay down the law and actually stick to it.
Oh well, thank you for reading anyway. As I mentioned, at least I don't live with it and I do feel better for knowing I'm not awful, I'm not a horrible person, just one who's tired of poor behaviour.
Thanks again.
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Comments
Oh dear that was long, sorry,
Oh dear that was long, sorry, but well done if you made it to the end!
The Problem
is DH. He is allowing his daughter to be a mini wife.
Yes, in some ways I can see
Yes, in some ways I can see that. It is part of the problem.
I'm just going to keep disengaging more and more for now. I'm done with it. Going to put more effort into my own kids, house and career. If he wants things to change, I guess he'll make them. If not, well...it was never meant to be.
What are you getting out of
What are you getting out of this relationship? That, I feel, will tell you if you should continue and try to fix the issues here.
If you think it is worth trying then you and your OH need to have a serious talk. Starting with boundaries surrounding your relationship. I would think that one day you would like to take the next step, but at this rate that won't be possible as adult skids already are failing to launch and your OH is an ostrich.
Take a look at the bigger picture. Are you ok with having a some of the time OH? Or do you want more?
what am I getting out of the relationship?
Today, I'm not sure I can answer that question.
It is clear I am going to have to have a long hard think about this and what to do next.
Why are you dating someone
Why are you dating someone who caters to another woman? This "lovely bloke" has created a monster.
Yes. That is true.
Yes. That is true.
I'm not blaming her, it's not fault. This fall's squarely on the shoulders of both of their parents and I think that is the problem. Neither will work together for the sake of the kids, or worse, they do but bad mouth about each other in hearing distance of the kids, creating a toxic wedge.
Why stay?
Because he knows he's doing it, and seems to take notice of what I and others have said, it seems as though they just can't help themselves. (Their mom is just as bad) and it's all back to "normal".
I feel sorry for the kids, it must be horrific for them being torn one way or another, both parents moving on after a distressing separation. It's just a surprise only one has come out as screwed up as this.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do next. I'm going to have a long think about it and how to tackle the issues I'm facing.
You don't live with him
So extracting yourself from his life can be a slow steady process. The fact that you suppliment his household expenses because he is in a continual state of debt due to indulging his daughter ... would you contribute if he drank all his money away? Or bought street drugs? It doesn'tmatter the reason he is short, he is not using sound judgement or adult behaviour. He is like a love sick 16 yr old shuttling his high maintainence girlfriend around town.
I could not put up with this. I am too selfish. I want time with me and him not with me, him and his phone g/f. But this choice would be yours. Start by not having available funds for food for his place. Eat at your place. Slowly start beinging items back to your place to 'clean' and never bring them back. If his daughterwife makes demands on his time extract yourself gently "OK, you go take care of Aurora and we can catch up later. I have some errands to run anyway. Love you! Bye!"
Wonderful blokes are out there who have normal kids and not some leeching life sucking succubus of a girl who will NEVER be able to live withour Daddy. Rest assured no woman will ever take her place in his life. NO ONE.
Funny you should say that, I
Funny you should say that, I have been doing that. Removing my stuff, what little there is, bit by bit. I've stopped doing a lot of what I used to used to do to help him and have been going home when I can't stand it anymore.
I have decided that due to doing this and you reminding me I'm doing just that, I'm going to take a massive step back, think some more and then see what step to take next whether it's talking out boundaries or ending it completely, although I can't see this getting any better...I think it's just a matter of facing facts and walking away. Still, let's get my stuff back first.
Good thinking.
Goos thinking. You got this, you're worth it & so are your kids.
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"I just can't see the point of this any more."
You've just solved your own dilemna. There really is no point to the relationship, especially if you're done being the doormat.
"his daughter is a spoilt manipulative madam.."
Whose fault is that? Perhaps that *lovely bloke* of yours needs some time alone with princess to see her true colors. You've been the designated bad guy for years now but what happens if you take yourself out of the equation and they have to deal face to face with each other without you to blame? How ever will he fulfill her every whim without your money subsidizing their household?
"I've had enough of seeing him treated like something she stepped in."
Obviously he hasn't and there's nothing you can do about their sick dynamic.
"I just hope that she will grow out of it...one day or OH will finally lay down the law and actually stick to it."
She won't grow out of it, it will only become more intense when she marries and gawd forbid reproduces. Imagine how stressed your man will be then when he's also required to support and shuttle her children. Lay down the Law...BWAHAHAHAHA! Not trying to be mean but what law are you referring to? Thou shalt grown the H#ll up? Well I've been waiting for ss33 to grow up for many years now, instead he keeps playing the victim card and finding some new woman to leech off of.
Luckily it sounds like you're not married but living separately and just dating. If this is the case then you'll have a much easier time than many of us here. Disengage, it's his circus not yours. You can't fix this and save him from her. They (the man and SD) want you to facilitate and supplement their sick dynamic not save them from it.
Everything still learning said.
That is so precision-accurate.
If you are just dating and
If you are just dating and not living together, it’s crazy for you to financially support him and his children. Buying them food?
If you are dating you should go on dates alone. If he brings his DD then you stay home or go out with girlfriends.
You don’t need to be going to his house and see a mess. Him having messy house is non sequential.
Now if he is broke that his accounts are over drafted then he should be busy fixing his finances, not dating.
Don’t understand why removing your stuff is so difficult. Just take it. Why is it so hard?
This man is not relationship
This man is not relationship material. He isn't actually emotionally available because he already has a miniwife, but wants a mistress/gf for adult companionship, sex, and apparently the occasional financial bail out.
There is no winnable solution here, because even if this man had an epiphany and got intensive psychological help, his resource-sucking monster of a daughter will be a component of his life forever.
You already know that you've had enough of this mess. Good for you! Get your belongings back and move on to something healthier.
You know you’re done, you
You know you’re done, you just need others to tell you it’s ok to dump him and that they see what you see.
Its ok to dump him. Take all your stuff from his house. Tell him exactly why you are breaking up with him and don’t look back
Both him and his DD are
Both him and his DD are absolutely terrible but I am a bit taken aback that you told her to grow up and be independent.
She isn’t your family. Doesn’t live with you. If someone I dated told my DD what she needs to be doing this or that, I’d had a big issue with that.
It seems that this relationship is distressing you and he treats you poorly but you are taking it on her. You don’t even ever have to see her at all. She should be of no importance. You have to take it up with your BF, not her. He clearly likes how she acts so why be mad at her?
Take your stuff and be gone
You're doing exactly what you
You're doing exactly what you should be. Step back and see if life isn't more pleasant when you see less of both of them. Maybe he's not worth enduring her. Maybe when you step back, he'll find the gumption to stand up to her. Maybe in the meantime, you'll find a spectacular man who isn't already married to his daughter!