Vent time! Drama and frustration with DH
Ugh. Recently, DH has complained about my rather distant relationship with SS. Apparently SS doesn't like me right now. My being strict is probably part of it. So, I decided to pull back. SS breaks a rule? Ignore it. Leave stuff for DH to deal with.
Fine.
So, for his recent birthday, SS got a gaming chair. It's comfortable and adjustable and sits on the floor. SS decided it was fun to bring it to the living room and put it on the couch to sit while we watch TV. I didn't like it but ignored it. Then the other night, SS was being very fidgety, rolling off the couch, etc. DH got annoyed and told him to either sit on the floor or the couch,
Next day, DH was griping about it and I mentioned I was concerned that with his rough he is, I worry the metal frame on the chair could damage the couch. DH wholeheartedly agreed.
Last night after dinner, like clockwork, SS ran up and got his chair. DH said:
"Hey Buddy, let's keep the chair on the floor if that's ok with you. Hastings and I talked about it earlier, didn't we?"
Put on the spot, I nodded. But I was ticked.
1) If it's ok? Why are you asking his permission?
2) The way you said it makes it easy for SS to put the blame on me for stopping his fun. I am the one who mentioned it, but DH was on board. This does nothing to help my relationship with SS, which DH complained about.
I'll bring it up with him at the right time. But ugh.
SS was, of course, angry. He obeyed (usually does) but say there sulking, red-faced and close to tears.
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Comments
Annnnnd under the bus you go!
Annnnnd under the bus you go! That was a bit of a crappy move. You might have to go with what one of the other ladies on here does (I think it's with skid when talking about mom though). Anytime something was mentioned was she just goes "hmmmm" or "ahhhh". Lol
Yeah, that's pretty pathetic.
Yeah, that's pretty pathetic. Reminds me of the poster who said her husband would ask permission from his 3-year-old every time he changed her diaper. Like, what if the kid just says no?
Boy is he in for a rude
Boy is he in for a rude awakening when he's grown. Your SS may not like you because you're strict. Not your problem. If your husband is so worried about it how about he doesn't throw you under the bus like he did? As long as you aren't being mean to the lad but only looking out for his best interests then your husband shouldn't worry about his son's opinion. With you stepping back he shouldn't involve you or mention your name during his talks with his son. Your husband is part of the problem.
His asking permission was
His asking permission was annoying. What really bugged me was him pulling me into it. When I talk to him about it, I'm sure he'll agree. But in the moment, it's like he's always terrified of upsetting His Majesty. Drives me nuts. That's why I say it's good to tell kids no every now and then, just so they get used to hearing it.
I would have looked at DH and
I would have looked at DH and said "No I agreed with YOU when YOU stated YOU didn't want YOUR son putting the chair on the couch!"
A lot of the reason these men get away with their crap parenting is because nobody calls them out. He doesn't like it and gets mad....well you don't like that he lets his kid act like a wild animal on the funiture...so what you aren't allowed to get mad to? Don't allow your DH to bully you into drinking his piss poor parenting kool-aide.
Anytime you hear "hey buddy"
Anytime you hear "hey buddy" you know d@mn well he not going to lay down the law. I know you want to back off from SS but this is your couch too. I would have told him to put that thing on the floor and not care if SS likes it or not. Your DH is not going to take control. He wants SS to liiiike hiiiim. He doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Speak up to your DH every time he pulls this sh!t.
Hey Buddy
You are giving me flashbacks!!
Or "We'll see" instead of "NO!"
Lol! So true. My overly
Lol! So true. My overly dramatic SS used to fo something wrong and when challenged in it, will get upset or cry and DH would say, "it's okay, buddy." Clearly, it was not okay and it's not a wonder that the kid is manipulative.
Ugh, they are crippling the
Ugh, they are crippling the poor kid. Do they think his bosses are going to say, "Hey buddy - if it's okay with you, can you stop calling into work sick every day? Is it okay if we fire you?"
I've made that same argument.
I've made that same argument. DH is constantly annoyed and frustrated with entitled young people in the workplace, yet fails to see that he's turning his kid into the same thing.
SS isn't a bad kid by nature. But he's being spoiled and coddled to within an inch of his life. He has no clue how to handle disappointment or criticism. Just two months ago, he got in trouble at school and responded to his mother's attempt to talk to him about it by throwing something at her. This kid just turned 10. Under no circumstances is that understandable or ok.
I think you posted about the
I think you posted about the throwing incident too. And you and I have a lot of the same issues, you with SS and me with two SDs. SAME. You are learning to disengage and that's excellent, just try to stay out of it. BUT if it's directly effecting you or your things, do not keep quiet and do not ask DH for help. MY furniture (most of it IS mine because I bought it and I care for it) and other furniture that's not junk I expect to be treated well overall - it's a real thing. Don't destroy furniture by using it improperly, period. This should be a non-issue but for SOME OF US, holy he!!, it's a real issue. My SDs damaged a lot of furniture in the former rental house in spite of my telling them to not use the stuff like a gym. I had no support from DH. Until the lounge chair broke. THEN he got on them. Too little too late.
So in our home and with me as the other adult here, I did NOT allow any furniture to be used incorrectly - no standing, jumping on, jumping off, tumbling over, etc. And certainly no other metal chair like you describe, which is not built to be used on other furniture, would be allowed anywhere but the floor. And if I saw it being used like that - very quickly would that chair be moved to the floor, repeat and repeat and repeat. With a firm statement that it does not ever belong on the couch as it's not built for that purpose. And if it continues after multiple corrections (oh, say 3-4 times) then that chair DISAPPEARS. Seriously. Maybe you just put it in a garage or a storage area, but NOPE, gone. No discussion with your DH.
That's how you do it. I've done it, it's possible.
Ugh. Your DH is such a
Ugh. Your DH is such a mangina when it comes to his pweshus poopsie.
Advice.only is right. Call him out on his poo, EVERY time he tries to hide behind your skirts.
Kind of spineless.
My SO did this as well back when SD23 was 19 and living with us during breaks from college. I was struggling with her messiness as she never had rules or chores when living with SO and was not in the habit of cleaning up after herself (at 19!!) and I sure wasn't going to do it.
So whenever I would mention something to SO, he would then soft-pedal it to precious Bratty McBratFace. It was a way for him to avoid being the bad guy and I eventually took him to task for it - if we agreed on house rules he had to enforce them and not indirectly blame me for poor SD having to actually clean her bathroom, for example. SD23 no longer lives with us and I'm disengaged so its no longer a real issue for us but it annoyed the crap out of me.
I feel your pain so much!
I feel your pain so much! Identical situation for me too. SS11 has behaved like this for the 4 years I've known him. He still does the same annoying things. I disengage from him but it's taken 2 years day in day out of having to see his stupid sulking face. Nowadays I call out the bad behaviour with SO present, with a smile on my face and out loud in a jolly way eg 'Did you mean to leave your spilled food in the middle of the floor? Is Dad ok with that?' I refuse to grit my teeth every day! SO usually gets mad but so what. They're both equally useless in that respect.
If you want to enforce a rule
If you want to enforce a rule I would suggest never asking a child if it is okay with them. The rule is non negotiable.
Absolutely. That drives me
Absolutely. That drives me nuts when parents follow a rule or order with "okay?" If you have to ask permission, the wrong person is in charge.
Code word
Might I suggest that when you finally have the time to talk about this, that you tell him that HE needs to be the parent, and you need to be the fun Aunt. Yes you have authority in your home, but if he insists on making you the bad guy your relationship will suffer with SS. Dad and SS have a biological bond. You and SS have the bond you build. Next time he says something like that to you, I suggest you respond with "bump bump". And let him know in advance, that that's the sound of him throwing you under the bus so that he doesn't have to actually say no. He gets no futher answer than that. Hey, SM and I discussed that right? you - "bump bump". SS will have no idea what that means, and you won't explain it. Your DH on the other hand knows exactly what you think of his passive aggressive tactic.
I miss the stories
About "Red-Faced McGee"
And guilty, Disney dads
And guilty, Disney dads wonder why SMS disengage...maybe because they are used to justify every "rule" imposed in daddy's house. I, too, was called "strict" by overly dramatic SS. This was based on minimal expectations like, "pick up your own trash" and "no lying".