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So, so, so mad right now

Happycamper's picture

I'm just so livid right now. I will go ahead and start off with no our money is not seperate. That's one thing DH is adamant about is a married couple should combine everything. I bring home more money than DH too. Ok. So I posted earlier about DH cancelling going with me to see my son. Well I am still going but I'm going alone. DH hung out with skids Florida night and took them on a dinner date tonight. He has now planned to get them next weekend since I will be out of town and he will be alone since he chose not to go. You can read earlier post about that. Anyway, I bought something this weekend. Yes it was something I really didn't need. It cost $15. Tonight after he took skids to dinner he starts going on and on about how we spent too much money this weekend and I'm going out of town next weekend and will be spending more money. He then starts in on me about my $15 purchase and how I didn't need it. Like really overboard. Then it becomes my fault that I'm raising my voice to him after he has told me 20 times I didn't need the item and this is a partnership so I should run things by him. I feel this is totally controlling and ridiculous. It was a small purchase and I work and I don't think I should tell him every time I spend a dollar. I'm just floored.


ntm's picture

You're right, it is totally controlling. And controlling someone else's money and what they spend it on is abusive. I wouldn't give a flying hoot about his perception of how a married couple is supposed to deal with money. That all goes out the window when steps are in the picture. Start your own account now and have your paycheck deposited into it. Then split the recurring bills 50/50. He'll be pissed for a while but just let him get over it. Took my DH probably a year. They get used to the wife ATM, and it's really hard for them to realize you're not responsible for their living expenses.

Yes, the big things you discuss as a couple. A $15 purchase, none of his business if it's something you could afford.

Disneyfan's picture

Separate your finances. It doesn't matter what he is adamant about. Since this set up doesn't work for you, end it.

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

I separated my finances earlier this year. Best thing I've done for myself in a long time.

MJL2010's picture

How did you guys handle household bills, etc? Were there times when DH would need to borrow money from you to pay for something big for his part of skids (sport, etc.?)
Reading your comment makes me want to consider separating mine, BUT I worry that I would resent the hell out of DH needing ME to be the one to pay the mortgage, and big stuff for skids.

Paintcrisis's picture

We each had a personal checking account. And a joint household account. We would each deposit money to cover the bills. I did cover the groceries because I had 2 bios who lived with us full time.

Our leftover money was for us to spend however. I was so amazed that what he chose to spend on skids or giving BM loans she wouldn’t pay back, it didn’t affect me anymore so I didn’t care. I honestly didn’t even care to ask or witness it anymore. It was out of sight and out of mind.

He is self employed so never needed to borrow from me or come up short on the bills. So we didn’t have to deal with anything like that. But I would have absolutely put my foot down about bills and paying our shares. If he would have been short, it wouldn’t have worked out because I would be resentful too.

Peanut575's picture

$15?? This is definitely controlling. $115 might be different depending on your finances, but $15?? No you shouldn’t have to tell him every time you spend a dollar. My DH asked me about a $170 purchase today. I would have loved what he wanted to buy. But instead I said, do we have $170 to just spend on a whim? He said no. I said, ah well, we can put away for it then. He agreed. If it was $15, neither of us would have batted an eye.

momof3smof2's picture

Over $15? Hell to the no. No way. This would drive me to make changes. If he is completely resistant to separate finances (and I get that), I would insist on setting a budget.

Start with income, then monthly bills, regular necessary expenses like groceries and gas, etc. Determine an amount for savings, and give you each an allowance. His allowance needs to include the things he does with and for his kids. Yours needs to include your travel to see your kids.

$15? You've got to be kidding me!

notarelative's picture

"That's one thing DH is adamant about is a married couple should combine everything. I bring home more money than DH too."

Of course he's adamant; it benefits him.
Your spending $15 means $15 less for him to spend on his kids next weekend.

strugglingSM's picture

DH and I don't have separate finances, either. Right now money is tight and he sometimes will say "do you really need that?" or accuse me of buying a lot of things from Amazon. Then, his kids come over and he spends at minimum $200 entertaining them, taking them out, etc. We've had several fights about that and I've told him I want to separate my finances because he just wants to spend whatever he wants on his kids and I'm not ok with that. We still haven't separated them, but my view is that if my DH - or your DH - wants to spend joint money on his kids, then he better not come back and question me about anything. His kids bring in no money, whereas other adults bring in money, so I'm not going to prioritize taking his kids out to dinner for the millionth time this year over say, buying a new vacuum cleaner, because the one we have doesn't work anymore. It's not like I'm off buying a lot of fun stuff for myself. I'm buying things we need, as opposed to the Xbox he bought recently, so his kids "would have something to do" when they are with us.

Acratopotes's picture

Immediately separate your finances, whether he agrees or not, simply open your own bank account and let your salary be paid into that, you can then transfer your share of house hold expenses to the combined account (old account)....

Let DH rant and rave, you simply smile and say, I'm an adult not a child, I can do with my money what I want to, go and parent your children , I'm not one of them I'm your wife...

DaniellaR's picture

Of course he wants combined finances that benefit him. My husband was excited when he wanted to buy a camper but I didn’t so suggested separate finances. We sat down to do the budget and when he had 80 bucks a week left for gas, personal expenses, groceries and now he would also have to chip in on our daughter’s expenses too, he thought it was an awful idea. All of a sudden we were a married couple and married couples share finances lol. I laughed so hard. He really thought he would have thousands left over. No bud, those thousands left over are mine. I would be much better off financially with separate finances. His spending went way down after that because he realized he was spending my money on his extras. He also wouldn’t dare question me about anything I spend. When I run something by him, his response is if I want something then get it. If he spent my money on his kids, our finances would be separate. If he questioned me on my spending, they would be separate. Like everyone was saying, get a new account and deposit your portion of expenses in the old account. He is being controlling and don’t think for one second that rules wouldn’t change if it benefitted him.

hereiam's picture

Twenty one years with my DH and we do not have one joint account. Nobody tells me how I can spend the money I earn. Not fifteen dollars, not a thousand dollars, not a penny.

Our financial advisor even advises against joint accounts.

WagiMorri's picture

Yes, this is controlling. Of course he believes that finances should be combined, he is the one who is profiting from this concept. I highly doubt he would feel the same if he were expected to take care of things like you are.

Don't let this be open to discussion, separate your finances. Let him throw his tantrums.

blueskies4me's picture

Huh, you make more money and the DH pulls the “real marriage” card to prevent you separating finances.

Separate the damned finances and DH can go twist in the wind. YOU WORK HARD and deserve to treat yourself! He spent $$$ on his damned kids I’m sure! You separate finances and each pay of utilities/rent or mortgage. Only pay for YOUR vehicle etc. Don’t let this dbag nickel and dime you to death.

A lousy $15, interesting how he can be chintzy with the money his wife earns! Spineless beta.

TinyDancer's picture

That was so not about any 15.00 item. Is he always so passive aggressive? He's really been holding his feelings in and finding odd ways to let them out. I hope you were able to remain calm while he sounded like a nutter....

Cover1W's picture

Flashback to my ex-husband. Who hit the roof when I bought two toothpaste tube "squeezers" (to extract all the toothpaste I could out of a tube) for $3.50. He thought it was extravagant and who was I to waste $ like that?!

Meanwhile, we was ordering all kinds of fancy "upgrades" for his vehicle.
But I couldn't spend less than $5 to save us money.

Yeah, that didn't go over well.

I ended up going out and buying myself a $300 necklace. He buys an unnecessary bumper for the truck, then I got something I wanted.

Not a healthy relationship.

skatermom's picture

My husband and I have separate finances, nothing is combined. I like it that way, he doesn't know what I spend, I don't know what he spends. We have certain household bills that each of us are responsible for. I wouldn't combine a dollar with him. His ex is crazy and his kids are money grubbers.

LindaLee's picture

We started off with a joint account, but separated our money shortly thereafter. We each pay for the household bills. I pay my car & insurance, he pays his. I buy for my kids, he buys for his. He doesn't even know how much I bring home, he says that's my business. I recently transferred my 401k into an IRA, and he said to put my sons as the beneficiaries, since it's my money. He has a corvette, Harley, golf cart & boat; he bought (financed) them with his money. If it's a mutual purchase like a tv, or gas grill, we each chip in 50%. Our accounts are joint for estate purposes, but we don't touch the other's money.

secret's picture

my ex of 6ish years started using our joint household account for things like liquor and beer - and while an occasional purchase on the weekend so we can both enjoy is one thing, spending 500$ in one month on it is quite another - especially when it sends the joint account in overdraft.

We had many conversations about how "you can't use the joint account for personal purchases" - me to him - and he didn't seem to get the message... so I updated all our bills to go onto one of my credit card, watched the account like a hawk and every time he transferred into the account I immediately transferred it out onto my credit card. After trying to use it a fe times with "insufficient funds", he stopped using it. It wasn't long after we went our separate ways.