Yes, if he refuses to go with you (even though he will likely not see his kids on Christmas), then go alone and spend your time with your family and do not fee bad about it one freaking bit! (Even when your husband is whining to you that he is not with you OR his kids.)

If I were you, I’d go and spend Christmas time with your family, at least every other year.

Do it. Life is way too short.

If my husband couldn't go with me to my family for Christmas without complaint every other year, after I'd sacrificed years of holidays with my family for him, I'd seriously think about spending every holiday with my family.

Go spend the holiday with your family Happy Camper. Don't have any 2nd thoughts on this. You have sacrificed enough and unlike your H you don't have the luxury of seeing them whenever you want.

No one is guaranteed tomorrow so go see your family with no regrets and create wonderful memories with them.

I don't do Christmas away from my spouse, but I don't have a selfish, inconsiderate husband like yours. If I did, I would.

He's really incredibly selfish.  If he won't go, go by yourself. 

We spend most holidays with my family because DH is fairly low contact with his, but if he wants to go, we go - he's so good about spending time with my family without complaint. 

Spend the holidays with people you love and who love you in return.  Whether that's family by blood or family by choice.  Connect with them, show them how much they mean to you.  In person if you can.

All of my family is out of state.  1,000+ miles away.  No matter how long its been or the reasons behind the lapse in time, we pick up right where we left off.  Everyone is welcomed, everyone is loved, everyone is treated with dignity and respect.  It is all genuine.  And it isn't dictated by the date on the calendar.  In all honesty, I spend holidays with them maybe once every 5 years.  For a while we alternated years for who traveled.  Now it's just me that has to travel so life gets in the way.  It doesn't always happen.  But we catch up.  We always do.

SOs family are all local.  And overbearing.  And the majority I don't think are genuine.  There's lots of obligation (it's a great feeling) from the vast majority of his family members.  Even he has no interest in celebrating with them.  And yet...

SO has never actually had skids on Christmas.  BMs family is not local so SO gives her the time so she can travel with skids.  His side does what I call second Christmas some time before the new year. 

Before I came along he loaded skids up and made the rounds.  Yeah, no.  He's the only one with young kids, everyone else can make the trek if they want to celebrate with them (i.e. witness skids be ungrateful buttwipes tearing through wrapping paper and tossing everything aside in search of the next present to open but I digress). Why they'd want to is beside the point.  If they want to, they do it at our house.  If we were to ever have skids on Christmas they'd still have to celebrate at our house.  

SO has offered. repeatedly, to celebrate with my family all those miles away.  It's just such a pain in the arse around the holidays.  Maybe he offers because it's almost guaranteed I won't do it.  Ha!  

He is supportive, though.  If he ever dared to give me grief about it I'd have zero qualms about going alone, and happily.  I sacrifice so damn much so that his situation is as uncomplicated and painless for his kids as it can be. There is no possible way for him to actually level the playing field.  Like ever.  It's the nature of the beast.  And I do that for him.  I do it because I love him.  But if he couldn't muster up even a half assed effort to reciprocate? He'd find himself single again real farking quick.

Your DH cannot see beyond his own selfish wants.  You aren't even on the radar.  That's a mess regardless of the time of year but heck, during the giving season?  He's being an absolute jerk and you should not feel badly about pointing that out to him. 

If he can't bring himself to celebrate what he DOES have with you in a way that would be profoundly meaningful to you, then let his inconsiderate butt stay home.  Go show your family you love and appreciate them and let them show you, too.  Your DH sounds too wrapped up in himself to participate.

All my family live in different states. DH was pretty good about taking off at Xmas or Thanksgiving. He liked being away from the drama thankfully, and his family all live within a hour away. So he can see them anytime he wants. I would go alone if that was the only choice, but I'd start having some real resentments. You guys can celebrate a early Xmas with his family and the kids. Then visit yours every other year, that is called compromising. 

A few years ago I missed out on going to my families Christmas gathering, not due to step reasons.  My father passed away the next morning. I never got to see him before he passed.  I mourn that every day.   

My first marriage I lived local to both XH and my families.   I always ended up going to my family alone.  At the end of the marriage I never bother to ask him to go and my family was thrilled he didn’t come.

my now DH and I live away from my family.  I refuse to miss a holiday with them (we are within driving distance).  I moved to where DH lived so he could be close to his spawn....huge mistake.   But DH never complains that we always go to my families.   His family usually picks a day after the holidays to get together so there is never a conflict.  However,  if I did have to go see my family alone, I would without hesitation and wouldn’t be upset with DH at all.  Only if he was seeing his family.  If he was just refusing to be an ass...well they would be a problem 

Don't let your loyalty to this selfish man supersede seeing your own children at Christmas. 

I've spent the last four Christmases with DH and family, because he and BM split Christmas. She gets every Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning, he gets every Christmas Day. 

This year, after a long painful drawn out mediation, he finally agreed to split holidays and birthdays with BM. This was after 14 hours of mediating and only after he agreed to give her more CS than he owes. She signed the agreement, but less than a week later vowed to not follow it. We just found out that even though DH told both MIL and BIL that this was the agreement and they should not make plans with BM for Christmas Day, that MIL has been making plans with BM for Christmas Day (even though we are still all getting together December 22nd before DH and I leave to see my family). We know this because BM just had to send an email to DH telling him this. Also, BM has already started talking to SSs about how DH "doesn't want them to see her family" on Christmas Eve next year. You'd think both families were super religious and just had to celebrate Jesus's birthday on the actual day, but no, I don't think either of them has been in a church in years...if ever. Every year, this whole Christmas Eve / Christmas Day thing has been miserable, because some years DH's family decides they will celebrate on Christmas Eve, meaning we have to drive SSs around to see them on Christmas Day (one year, getting rushed out of BIL's house before their Christmas Day guests arrived) and now that SSs are older, every year, one SS will call DH before Christmas to ask if they can push back DH's Christmas pick-up time to later in the day. Every year, we have to try to accomodate DH's family, who can never accomodate us or the fact that DH is beholden to BM. 

Every year, I vowed to spend Christmas with my family (out of state and at a distance that is not driveable) and every year, DH told me he would be sad if I didn't spend Christmas with him. Not to be a total downer, but my father passed away very unexpectedly this year, so now I can't help but regret missing the last few Christmases with him. Ironically, the only people who were ever accomodating about the schedule were my parents, who always told me that I should spend Christmas with DH and they would be happy to see me at another time. 

I agree with the posts above. Spend Christmas with the people you love and the people who make you feel loved. Don't give in to manipulation or guilt. Families survive without seeing one another every year for Christmas. My mother's families and father's families both lived within 5 miles of us growing up and we still alternated and we were all okay and not sad on Christmas Day. Families are complicated, step families are more complicated. When others - especially your DH or his family - make you feel bad as the SM for wanting to see your family on Christmas they use just being jerks. 

I think if you are willing to spend Xmas apart from your spouse it says a lot about your marriage. 

Spouse first, extended family second. 

I used to with my ex, we were never married but together 6 years. We lived together and our families lived too far apart for us to drive between them in one day. We felt we saw each other the rest of the year and did not feel a need to be with each other on christmas day. So we always spent christmas with our own families and then new year together. It worked for us, we were happy with the situation. We didn't have kids though which would probably have made a difference. 

I don't think spending one day apart (or a few days) says anything bad about a relationship. 

So it's okay that he sees his family every single year for Christmas but you never see yours?

That entire sentence just speaks for itself.

Ask him to join you to visit your family this year. Make the announcement...I have decided after 10 years (what ever it is) to spend this Christmas with my family in XYZ. I would love for you to join me.

Your desire to spend the holiday with your family is over due--they miss you too.

IF he tells you no---you at least asked with good intent.

Maybe you can coach him on how to deal with being sad about not being with his own family on Christmas. After all, you have lots of experience. 

He's being a selfish jerk by expecting you to do what he doesn't want to do  

Hi!! I completely understand where you are coming from and all I can say is do what will make YOU happy with no expectations of what you want from DH.

I am a stepmom, who myself am a step kid had 3 sets of Christmases I used to have to get through from the age of 10 and this was before I even met DH.

We went to mums on Christmas eve, dads Christmas day (with my step moms family) and then back to my mums (with the extended family) on Boxing day. This was fine until i reached about 21 and thought enough is enough - i want to enjoy my time, not spend it being a taxi or feeling guilty for the others I don’t see.

Now i am a step mom, my DH's family is quite toxic and I spent too much time appeasing them but over engaging with them and appeasing them all because they were older then my family. We also have the kids BM who picks and chooses how much time she wants on what day around Christmas – never with any rhyme or reason – it just has to be on her terms, despite what the kids want.

I long ago learnt that people are so bogged down at Christmas by family obligation that the whole spirit is just lost, so I don’t fight it and I don’t hold any significance to specific days. I like to think of Christmas as a ‘period of time’ not one day.

This year i am spending Xmas day with just my SD18 and myself down at my family Christmas, while my SS14 and DH are spending it with him family. I know he wants me to be with him, but im actually looking forward to shaking it up this year. on Boxing Day i will be with my Best friend and her family, with my DH and both step kids. The rest of the family(ies) i will see before or after - no pressure

Spend it with your kids and not your DH – do what will make you happy and don’t feel guilty about it. If he carries on, block him out at Xmas – he will get over it! If you can truly free disengage from everyone else’s expectations at Christmas it is a wonderful time of year!