Well that was an uncomfortable conversation and other updates
DH and I were discussing the future..ie what is going to happen in the next year. Dh has gotten a job off and is waiting for the final paper work and will start on April 1. Woohoo on that front.
Dh is down to 13 months of cs left for SD...and he was discussing what we were going to do in the next year.
The plan before all of DH's online activity came to light....was for me to retire in 2 years and become a stay at home spouse. See..I have been supporting our family for the last 15 years..DH was too much in debt, had too many court cases with Beaver and too much CS and alimony to contribute to our household very much. Now, the debts have been paid, the court cases have ended, alimony ended about 12 years ago and CS is drastically reduced now. (at one point CS was more than the mortgage on our house). So..the plan was to let me be jobless for while and have DH take over.
Oooff.I had to tell DH I'm not comfortable with that plan now given the past of his being shady af and I knew he would be hurt. I had to tell DH I don't think I was going to stop working...I'm not at a place where I trust him enough for that and I don't want to end up in my 50's looking to get back to my job. Yea..NO.
Dh, however, took it well. He said he was hurt and sorry that I felt I couldn't stop working. He understood my reasons and if it were him he would feel the same way. DH was, however, remorseful and sad that he took this away from us...my being able to relax and his being able to take over provide for us. DH did suggest that after next year, he still take over paying all the household expenses and I either use my salary to put in to my retirement account and/or pay off my house. (Its not DH's house....its in my name only and I bought it before we were together). That way, he can provide for us and I can still be prepared for my future. Not a bad compromise.
On other notes, SD is failing two classes, grunts for the most part when you try and talk to her, plus has turned to ailments for attention. IN the last month, she has had a cold, which she was sure was pnuemonia, a stomach that she was sure was more than just her crappy diet, a headach she was sure was a stroke, a pulled muscle in her hip and her acne won't go away. Dh is so over her and her complaining, etc. DH takes her to the doctors just so they can rule out anything serious and so that he covers his rear with Beaver. Honestly, though DH cannot wait for her to back to Beaver's today. He is worn out with SD. I get it...SD is super annoying and one can only try making small talk for so long. SD just cannot/will not engage.
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What are the plans for SD
What are the plans for SD once she turns 18 and hopefully graduates?
At this point no clue what she will do
she can't get into a 4 year college and doesn't want to go to community college. We tried to get her to go to beauty school since she loves makeup, hair etc. But that is now a no go...
Honestly, DH hopes she moves in with Beaver full time after graduation. Its sad but true..DH is beyond tired at this point of trying and failing to counter Beaver's invfluence.
Has anyone told SD that she
Has anyone told SD that she absolutely must have a plan for after HS, and living at home doing nothing is not an option? If not college, then it must be a FT job that can support her? We started preaching this to SD13 and SS16 years ago- they know damn well they can't just sit around doing nothing once they graduate, and they need to move their asses out and launch.
We have told her and told her
she needs to have some plans...she just seems to ignore it.
Your job plans
First of all, congratulations on things simmering down in your life. I can tell a little of the edge is off.
You will be glad later that you continued working in these post-kid years. DH and I had a series of financial ups and downs but were both able to work steadily in our 50's and 60's. We paid the household expense out of one paycheck and saved the other. It has made the biggest difference in our retirement years.
It's almost impossible to do that financial planning during the hectic kid years but if you have good health and a decent job, the $ you earn in the later years is so important.
Work and Skid
Glad that your DH is willing to step up and support you and is understanding. Too bad about SD and her ailments imaginarias. And complete lack of motivation.
SD16.5 (almost 17 now in 2 months) TALKS a good line about wanting to go to college and wanting to get a job and wanting to drive. Thats all she does though is talk.
Yea....
I agree with your feelings.
Take him up on his "generous" offer of paying all the expenses... but, you have been paying for the house this whole time...while it is "yours" (except in divorce he would be entitled to 1/2 increase in value since marriage, he may not take it..but he would be entitled to). So he got to live "rent free" that entire time and continues to do so. "Nice" of him to want to pay all the expenses...sans mortgage. I would imagine that your mortgage is a big chunk of the total monthly expenses. Perhaps he can pay all the expenses PLUS give you some to pad your 401k/savings (that again he would be entitled to half of in divorce) to account for all this time he has had a roof over his AND his kid's head all this time rent free. Call it "past due rent" payments.
SNS - your husband pisses me TF off. I can't make it stop.
oh he meant pay ALL the expenses including the mortage
I would just use my salary to pay extra to get it paid off quick.
Good for you for having this
Good for you for having this discussion. The reality is that it probably wouldn't be the best decision to stop working in your early mid 50's... .so much could happen.. and you are giving up "prime earning year income".. which you could need later on in life.
I mean.. by all means.. if you could afford to work a less stressful or work fewer hours to do more things you have not had time for.. and sure.. your DH needs to step up and pay and repay you for what you have subsidized in the past.. (I might make sure that you know how him paying mortgage impacts his rights to the home.. )
Consider his track record, I
Consider his track record, I bet you could use his payments on the house as a bargaining tool in a divorce. He's taken advantage of you for way too long. I might have him transfer me the money and still make the payment in my name.
IDK, it sounds nice that he wants to finally pay his due to your union but you aren't there yet and so much could still happen. He's still working on earning your trust back right? I will say that CS ending date getting close is exciting and I hope for your sake he works at making it up to you. I think these men truly have no idea the crap we put up with as a step mom. Some of us really suffer, our health suffers, our financial situations suffer. I hope you are finding some peace here and there Halo.
DH is working very hard to regain my trust
and for the first time in forever has been open and honest about everything. So that is good..I'm just not in a place that I can trust him enought to stop working. That is a big ask.
That's real progress -- for
That's real progress -- for you. There was a time (right?) when you probably wouldn't have said what you felt. This time you did, the world didn't crash around you, and there seems to be some decent problem solving going on.
Those honest conversations are so healthy, even if difficult.
You are correct...I would have avoided that conversation before
but not anymore. DH has been way more open to hearing me and listening rather than defending.
My SS was on the hairy edge of out for nearly the last year
he lived at home with us.
He really was not a horrible kid. He just took one last fairly lengthly swim in the SpermClan's shallow and polluted gene pool. We had to work hard to balance getting him out of HS and launched into viable adulthood.
It was rough, but... ultimately he, and we, succeeded.
Good luck.
I hope that SD will get through HS and that you and DH can recover the trust for your retirement together.
You are giving me flashbacks
YEP! Chef's was the equivalent of a mortgage and a new car payment put together for MANY years. I paid all the bills and still in a way do despite Chef having his own business. Since I'm now semi retired and age 62, I'm enjoying fully the lack of the immensely hectic schedule I had kept since, well age 21 when I first became a divorced single parent.
Good idea to have him pay household expenses and you pay off the mortgage/ save for retirement.
It was insane
DH was paying what amounted to our mortage plus a car payment for the skids. It was unreal..meanwhile I supported our household and I didn't receive any cs from the Village idiot.
I'm just ready to move on to a less stressfull job. I'm typing this right now while I'm on an after hours suport call. I'm ready to relax a bit. I've done this type of support job for the last 25 years...it wears on ya.
Tell me about it
I had been doing after hours IT support calls since 2005 and don't miss it in the least. I AM seeing that they are NOT keeping up with my work though since I left LOL!
I never received CS either.