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Sort of Step related..but in reverse it deals with BS

halo1998's picture

Ugh..BS 23...who is very high functioning autisic..(fka asperbergers) is still trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.  He has a college degree already but yep works part time while he decides what job he wants or if he wants grad school.  He currently lives with DD in a condo that we (me and DH) own and pays for the utlities.  

So.....the other day DD and DS were here at our house and DS was playing with our special needs dog..who was about 24 hours out from a very severe seizure and was having issue.  I told DS to be careful since doggie was not really in his right mind yet..and yep.doggie mistook DS hand for his toy.  To be fair DS was trying to take the toy of of doggies mouth ...doggied readjusted his grip on the toy and caught DS hand.  Doggie can't tell the difference between a hand and a toy....his seizure disorder is slowly destroying his brain..so please no harsh words on the doggie.

DS was rightfully mad at the dog but in true aspy fashion this sent him into a spiral.  So...DS was already pissy....and we decided to play games as that was the plan for the evening. We were playing poker using candy for betting.  For whatever reason...I was on a winning streak...(this NEVER happens I have the worst luck usually) and I pretty much wiped the floor with DS and he lost almost all his candy.  Oh boy..he was butt hurt over that one since he is used to winning.  Strike two for him...

We decide to play another game and needed teams.  DD and DS were on one team and DH and I were on another.  DH and I won that game ...and DS was really not pleased at this point...I can tell DS is really pissed. DH tried to point to DS where he was maybe not following the game rules and whoboy...did DS blow up on DH. Strike three for DS...It was not pretty and it was not appropriate. DS was way out of line and way over the top.

Of course DH responded back and they ended up in a shouting match and DS ended up leaving. 

DH then decided to have a go at me...since well I guess I was there and he was pissed that I didn't immediately jump up to his defense and start to yell at DS.

Reasons I didn't.

1.  First I was more shocked than anything since DS hasn't had episode like this in years.  

2.  When DS is in that frame of mind..there is no changing it or making it better. Best thing is to let him have space and work it out himself.  

3.  Quite frankly DH should have just stopped arguing once DS started to get very aggitated.  DH is older and should be wiser..but I get that sometimes things happen.

Now...DS's reaction was no where near appropriate of acceptable...and now I have to talk to him about it and he needs to apologize to DH. 

I need some advice on how to say this to DS...plus he has worn out my patients on the whole figuring out what to do.....its been a year and half. I am ready to tell him to move back to his dads if he can't figure out it....because at 23 he needs to start supporting himself.

So how would you handle this situation with DS?

DH is a whole nother matter since that was the second time that day he had a go at me over things that were not my making....the first was frustrations with SD over her new job and filling out forms....and then DS later that night.

Comments

CastleJJ's picture

So my little brother is 24 and has Aspergers. We go through the same exact thing. If everything doesn't go exactly as brother expects, he ends up in an angry rage. This happened this past weekend. On Saturday, we had planned to go to a local festival. Beforehand, my Mom wanted to celebrate my birthday quickly with cake and presents, maybe 15 minutes tops. My brother freaked out because it delayed the arrival to the festival and he wanted to do that instead of celebrate my birthday. Oh he made the quick celebration hell, mumbling under his breath, cussing, etc. But this is minor compared to other fights. 

Brother left Easter early due to a massive fight over something small. He and my Dad had a screaming match in the front yard. My Dad is a bit of a hot head and my brother knows exactly what buttons to push to get Dad to explode. There is no reasoning with my brother when he reaches that point - he will say that he wishes we were dead, knows how to hit us where it hurts with our mistakes, etc. And brother won't apologize after, he just goes about business as usual, acting like it never happened. 

My brother also struggles with the financial piece. He can't figure out to be fully independent financially and keeps ending up in financial trouble. My brother struggles because his desired lifestyle doesn't match his income so he overspends to meet his wants, but then can't afford it. He doesn't understand why he can't just have it. My parents bailed him out twice but now they have taken the "sink or swim" approach. It's been rocky but he is navigating it to a point. 

halo1998's picture

the angry rage....DS knows better than direct it to me....because that will be a nope...and I won't engage at all.

DH ...yep will engage...Dh has his own struggles at the moment so the timing sucked.  

I'm just weary of having to talk to DS....and deal with it all.  DD was like..ugh..DS is just pissed because he lost and got his hand bit.  She was just way over her brother at this point.

Tried out's picture

DH - when my Ex was particularly mad at me about something that he knew would sound idiotic if voiced, he would turn his anger on our kids over picayune stuff. And then it was acceptable to be mad at me because I was the mom.

I'm wondering if your DH, after a period of making nice because he got caught in shameful behavior, is tired of his role as penitent and is possibly missing the fun of his old life. And since you were the victim he can't be straight up mad at you, so he gets at you indirectly through your kids.

 

halo1998's picture

He is frustrated with her and with Beaver since he ends up doing all the work for SD to get the paper work for her new job, the clothes and the transportation.  I think that is cutting into his "me" time and he is getting frustrated and lashing out at everyone.

Noway2b1's picture

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JRI's picture

Halo, I don't know anything about this disorder but I just wanted to say you are a sensitive, caring person.

advice.only2's picture

What about the tough love tactic?  When he starts acting that way let him know he’s on notice, if he continues then he needs to leave.  If he starts throwing a tantrum and refuses to leave, then you all leave.  As for the money issue, looks like it’s time to start cutting thing off and letting him figure out how to make it work.  My BS22 has Tourette’s syndrome and he gets into states where he threatens things and I basically tell him that while he’s that upset we can’t have a good conversation without saying hurtful things.  Most times he will start to calm down.  BS22 was royally pissed at me and DH when we got him a job working where he is because it took him out of a dead end part time job.  We told him he was fine to be pissed at us, but if he quit that job then he needed to be prepared to have no financial safety net as we couldn’t provide it.  That was over three years ago and now BS is thriving in his job and loves it.  He admitted to me the other day he was being an immature prick and he’s glad we “helped” him get that job. 

halo1998's picture

either apply to grad school and start in the fall or get a full time job.  If he does neither he needs to move....either to his dads or somewhere else.  Ugh..I just hate having these conversations.

I will say...as much of an @ss his Dad is....even he is tired of DS sitting around hemming and hawwing on what he wants to do.

dragonfly878's picture

I think the tough love convo is more than appropriate- he will only continue to do more of the same unless pushed to do something different...