You are here

OT sort of...but way to ruin it DH...A RANT

halo1998's picture

Ever feel like you are paying for the sins of the x...Yea..I do.

My entire life I have always made sure to pay  my own way.  I have never relied on my spouse to suupport me in anyway.  I have a good career and make very good money.

Beaver sucked all that she could/can from DH.  She didn't work, spent tons of money, ran  up credit etc.

DH came to me without a pot to p*ss in so to speak.   I own our house and helped him get a new car, etc..  I allowed him to pay me less than he was paying Beaver for our house expenses.  Like he paid $750 towards our $3k a months expenses.  I finally told him about a year ago that he needed contribute more. That I was all for helping him, but, this was getting to ridiculous.

I have supported him through many court battles, unemployment and the last 4 years of him diggin himself out of debt.  

As I said we bought a trailer a few weeks ago.  It wasn't cheap and I was so excited to go and travel.  And then DH ruined it.

DH has a nasty habit of being lazy and checking out after he finishes work.  It is an ongoing problem.  DH will plant himself in the chair and zone out in front of the TV/phone for the rest of the night.  This is to the point he doesn't hear or see anything or anyone else.  I get pissy as I have been working all day plus taking care of the dogs, meals etc.  When I call him out on this laziness...he gets all defensive, etc.  He like to try and gaslight..also a HUGE pet peeve of mine.  Had years and years of that with the VI....up with this sh*t I will not put.

So..this time he has decided that because HE bought the trailer I now no longer have the right to complain about anything.  SCRREEECCH...say what.  Uh no not how that works DH.   I'm not some gold digger out to take you for your money. Your buying a major item the first time in our relationship does not equal shutting me  up about your nasty lazy habit.    His comment was, well I bought the trailer you just need to shup up now.

 

Not at all how this works...but now the magic is gone. Just gone.   I no longer want the trailers and I no longer want to travel with DH.   I get that Beaver took everything from him but dang I am NOT Beaver.  I'm not staying at home, eating freaking bon bons and doing nothing.  I'm working and doing the household work, etc.  Just because you paid for something..does not give you the right to be lazy and tell me to stop calling you out on your shiznit.

I'm not going to leave him . but I am pissed and disappointed.

 

Comments

advice.only2's picture

My DH tried this once because he makes more money than me. He claimed that as the breadwinner in the family he had earned the right to sit and be lazy. Guess who had to end up doing all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills, taking care of all the kids extras for the next three months. DH now is very helpful about switching off nights for cooking, he cleans our house (I clean houses as a side job on the weekends) and he is very good about taking BD to her after school stuff. I had to remind him that this is a partnership and not a DICKtatorship.

halo1998's picture

before.  He would like a stay at home wife but would like one with my salary.  No can do buddy....I told him he better start earning twice as much money if that was what he expected.

DH loses his marbles every once in awhile...

Winterglow's picture

" as the breadwinner in the family he had earned the right to..."

pay for a maid and nanny.

hereiam's picture

What does buying the trailer have to do with housework? Not.a.damn.thing.

I guess since HE bought it, HE can travel in it, solo.

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, DH loves the lazies!  LOVES the lazies!  I do most of the house cleaning (hire someone in every other month for a deep clean, but that's been cut back due to C-19), most of the shared bill paying, all of the household upkeep needs - including calling people like plumbers and electricians and being here for them AND doing house repairs, and do most of the yardwork and grocery shopping. 

DH often says he's "too tired" or "can we do it later" or "I'm going to go do X activity instead" or "I worked hard today."  Which burns me up - because I too am tired and want to go do other things and worked hard at my job but if we let things go they go fast (messy DH and a YSD who keeps her things clean but has ZERO responsibility around shared areas).

I have let a lot go...hiring a housecleaner sometimes (I should do it soon tho) and just letting their crap sit there unless it's in my way then I toss it somewhere but don't clean, hiring people to mow and weed-wack the yard (yes, we have all that equipment but DH hates, hates yardwork I've discovered, yet refuses to admit it), and hiring people to help with yard projects (thank goodness the guy I use is super great and affordable), I don't cook when YSD is here. I actually expect DH to go to the grocery store with me most of the time. I will not run special errands for him as he can do it himself and spend his time doing it.

Because he is not special because he's a man who 'works hard.' I've offered many times for he and I to trade places for a week to see how "easy" it is for me.  He's never taken me up on the offer....

halo1998's picture

this type of DH....

DH hired cleaners because he got tired of me nagging.  Works for me...

I get the "I'm Tired...I have a headache" excuses all the time.  I roll my eyes since I'm tired but dinner still needs to be made.

Merry's picture

The ONE and only thing my ex and I did not fight about was money. We were good business partners, but that's about it. 

DH and BM were up to their eyeballs in debt, she wouldn't work, credit cards maxed out so they'd open a new one. He took care of everybody by picking up odd jobs etc. after his decent-paying day job. Funny how he took care of his holy first family, but I ended up taking care of him. 

Until I stopped that sh!t. Man, it was ugly too. He's still careless and impulsive sometimes, but I'm no longer on the verge of throwing him out and I don't feel like he's taking advantage of me. 

SM12's picture

I just had this similar discussion with DH last week. I work and bring home almost double what DH does (until recently and his income went up) and I cook, clean, shop for all items and food, laundry etc.   the house is mine and DH came in with nothing but debt.   Now he has excellent credit and nice things.   BM was a stay at home mom....I am not.   DH seems to forget that regularly.   He does NOTHING but mow the yard on the super expensive mower I bought. And he does a shitty job of that.   
I told him I was tired of taking care of someone who can't be bothered to take care of me.   He acts like a scolded pup for a few days and goes right back to doing nothing.   Jokes on him....I am done taking care of him.   I am no longer doing his laundry, and I will only cook what I want and I will suddenly forget to buy what he wants from the store.   
I am tired....and tell him I am over feeling like I am being taken for granted. 
I have realized he will never ever look past his own reflection to see me or think of me first. 
And he wonders why I don't initiate intimacy....yep I take care of they myself too DH... thanks but no thanks

Simpleton21's picture

Your DH sounds like my DH!  Yet he always says things like "we'll buy that with my check" or "when I get paid".....mmmkaayyy delusional much.  Your check goes entirely to BILLS and you don't even cover your half of them but whenever he thinks he needs something and I have to say no b/c I am the responsible bill paying adult that takes care of things he has a little mantrum "I'll buy it with my check"....ugh!  I've done the whole this is what you make, this is what I make, here are the bills, here is what you have after your half which is either zero or negative yet he still thinks this way :(  I also get the scolded/wounded puppy BS but I don't care.  Pout away, it won't change the situation!

I am also tired and feel like I'm taken for granted and tired of him thinking of me or my needs/wants before his own or his daughters!  I also have no desire to be intimate or initiate it...take care of that myself also...it is a turn off to live with a giant man child!

StepUltimate's picture

I wish I had no idea what you are talking about here Simpleton. Earlier today I got a mini-lecture from DH on how having our money split "isn't working" and an offer to once again control all his money (except payment for the midlife crisis purchased one year ago this month) like I did the 1st five years we were together and made a lot less but still paid off a debts, and paid for everything my then-teenage SS could want while putting every dollar of CS into a special account for SS's future. 

Oh HELL NO. The empath in me got killed in the past two years. I went into self-protect mode because, the financial trust is shot, I've been just kind of shut down in a lot of ways. I paid off my car, got an even better job with a sweet raise, and just watched as DH spent, and spent, and spent... and got some serious medical bills. Now he's broke as a joke & allll stressed out. 

Which is SUCH a turnoff, in so many ways. 

Simpleton21's picture

I wish none of us had this experience!  It is a major stress/strain put on 1 person when you live with someone that is financially unmanageble.  In all my previous relationships I NEVER took on this responsibility or combined incomes but I cannot trust my DH to make adult decisions and be financially responsible.  Yep, I paid off my car and tried to reduce debt while DH would just incur more debt.  I have received multiple raises while he had multiple spurts of no work/income.  I only took over bills/money because he would never have the money to cover 1/2 of expenses when I needed his contributions.  He would get paid.  Pay 1 or 2 bills and then decide he had to eat out b/c "he earned it" or buy something b/c "he earned it".  No financial sense at all. 

It is a huge TURNOFF to have to always be the responsible one and on top of that have to explain to them (like you would a child) how you can't just spend $300 b/c SD wants a motorized bike for Christmas and you can't just take it out of your check that has to go to actual NEEDS!!!  I'm honestly at the point where I feel like divorce is inevitable yet I keep trying which is dumb.  He won't change b/c he doesn't see think he needs too. 

He is always like "I would never leave you, I took our vows seriously".  Of course you did!  You got a great deal out of this.  I ended up with more stress and debt.  I wouldn't want to leave if I had it that easy either! 

halo1998's picture

about the intimacy...sorry watching DH sit in the easy chair for hours is NOT attractive...not in the least.

Simpleton21's picture

Right?!?! It is a huge turnoff to watch someone just sit around watching TV...mine does that also...or he follows SD around like a lost puppy (also big turnoff) or he pouts (another big turnoff)...or he complains about ME not initiating it (turnoff).  Honestly he isn't doing one thing to turn me on in any way or even help me out yet expects me to initiate intimacy!  HELL NO!!!!  How about make me feel sexy and make me actually WANT YOU....but that would just make sense! 

halo1998's picture

same thing here...we only lack the kissing SD's @ss. That Dh doesn't do..but the rest yes...my DS commented he thinks DH has watched every movie on Netflix..and he isn't too far off.

The whining and laziness is not a turn on.  DH got all sorts of pissy when I said it was just one more thing I had to do....think maybe he would get a hint

SM12's picture

I thought for a while there was something wrong withbme and my sex drive.  I used to be a very sexual person.  But I am getting to an age where sex drive lessens so I was thinking it was me.  Nope....there is nothing sexy about a man sitting on his ass, watching tv and treating you like you are his servant.   And then to make it worse, acting like you OWE them something when they actually do one thing "for you" like load the dishwasher.   Like that should be rewarded with "special favors" in the bedroom.   Whatever..

halo1998's picture

This....exactly this....like get out the brass band..ya emptied the dishwasher

Simpleton21's picture

OMG, SAME!!!!  I used to be very sexual but I've lost so much respect and have so much resentment towards DH that I have ZERO DESIRE and he expects me to initiate it?!?! How freaking lazy can you be?  I've never had a man that couldn't even initiate sex on his own and expected me to!  

Oh yes, DH acts like he is man of the year for loading the dishwasher and the occasional load of laundry (when he needs something and I didn't wash it for him).  DH thinks he should get special favors in the bedroom for all holidays/bdays/etc.  He isn't getting them from me though. 

simifan's picture

i would never step foot in that trailer. Tell DH he ruined it for you and you don't want it anymore. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Draw up a spreadsheet of your financial contributions and his towards household expenses plus court battles over the last few years. Calculate for him how many trailers you could have purchased if you weren't busy bailing his ass out. That's how many he owes you before he can brag about his single measly trailer

JRI's picture

You are usually so upbeat, Halo, I hate to hear you so unhappy.  Sending good wishes your way.

halo1998's picture

I will bounce back...He just being an @hole because he get called out on his laziness and his paranoia of me being like Beaver...How you confuse me with a 5 foot 2 200 pound+ plus woman I will never know...but hey stranger things have happened.