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DH...bang head on wall....bang head on wall ...expect different results

halo1998's picture

Dash 1

SD has gone off the same cliff as the GWR did about 3 years ago.  School work is just not important.   Turn in is just not important or necessary.  Needless to say, SD's grades have tanked.  DH is now frustrated/pissed/disappointed and embarrassed. 

DH's solve for this is to HOUND Sd to turn things in and to study.   When I say HOUND I mean he is relentless.  This is NOT working in the least.  It is now background noise to SD and she just tell DH whatever will get him off her back.  Dh....hound...SD lie....DH hound..SD lie/deflect...rinse and repeat.  Nothing changes...except I have a headache.

I finally have had enough of listening to this vicious circle.  I sat DH down and told him.

Let SD fail.  Stop hounding her.  She isn't listening and just placating you with whatever she thinks will stop you from talking.  Let her fail and suffer the natural consquences.  It will be painfull for you to watch...but you need to let her do this.  Your method is just not working.  Tell her once she is missing assigments or that she needs to study and then stop.  No continued hounding.  Also no sit down with SD to tell her what you expect of her.  She already knows what you expect and just doesn't give a rip.  Once again..just noise to her.  You have also reviewed with her what she will need to get into the college she wants.  She already knows...whether or not she works for that..that is up to her.  YOU DH CANNOT care more than she does.

The natural consquences could be (mostly likely will be)

1. She fails her classes.  Tell SD we tried it her way and look where we are. What does she think she needs to do to change things or is she ok with not graduating?

2.  When she asked for her permit/license here soon.  The answer will be no.  Since she isn't responsible enough to turn in work and get decent grades..the she isn't responsible enough for a driver permit/license or a car.  Sorry SD....either get it together or wait till your 18.

3.  SD doesn't get into the college she wants to go to.  SD will have to figure out other plans.

4.  If SD decides to go to community college she will pay up front for it.  If she gets decent grades, you can reimburse her. That way if she flakes off and fails...then its her money not yours.  If she doesn't, she gets her college paid for.

DH understands..but honestly its so hard for him TO JUST SHUT UP.  Seriously, he wants to WIN and force SD to do something.  At 15 and half...she is beyond that at this point.

SD also has no real currency for us to take away.  She has a phone..but if we take that Beaver will just buy her a new one as we have seen with GWR. Beaver will also use that as way to say that DH IS SOOO MEAN AND THEY TOLD HER HE WOULD TURN ON HER.   then we will have the three way trama bond between Beaver, GWR and SD.  Oh joy.  Same goes with ipad/etc  SD doesn't do any hobbies or any sports or anything really.  So...not much that we have to work with. bet is natural consequences.

Buckle up..its going to be a bumpy ride.


bearcub25's picture

My bios, steps, and grandson all went thru this about age 15.  A few pulled their heads out of their asses, a few got GEDs, a few are doing well and a few are not.

One good thing is that our state will not grant permission to get their license unless they have a cert from the Board of Ed that they are attending school and not screwing off.   They don't have to have certain GPAs but they must be enrolled and attending school.   We also have an age limit of 18 to drop out of school.

I think you gave him good advice so its up to your SD to decide she wants a good life.  Its such a hard age and a hard thing to make them understand that you all just want the best for her for her future.

Good luck!

halo1998's picture

parents have to pay for drivers ed before the kids can get their license.  DH will not pay for that nor will he take her for her permit.  

Now whether or not Beaver will help SD get her permit/license...well that remains to be seen.

tog redux's picture

It's really super hard for many parents to not micromanage their kid's school work, even in intact families, and honestly, a lot of schools expect it.  But I agree that she has to want it, and he can only give her natural consequences and those are limited with BM in the picture. 

halo1998's picture

even harder when both parents are not on the same page.

We shall see if DH can hold the line...

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I think some people aren't academically inclined. School just isn't for them. I think she needs to be told that she will still have to be able to feed and house herself as an adult, and think about ways to do that that don't involve college if she can't motivate herself for high school. She will need to at least graduate or get a GED, though, because i think pretty much all vocational training as well as the military require at least that. She can't be allowed to expect her parents to support her for life. 

halo1998's picture

SD absolutely needs to understand she needs to support herself.  The problem we face is that Beaver's own brothers (one is 51 and the other 45ish.) still live at home with Beaver SR. and Mr. Beaver Sr.  SD sees her uncles and now GWR...still living at home with the parents supporting them. 

However, for her to remain in our house we have always full time with decent grades, trade school, full time job or you can go to the military.  However, our house will never be a permanent residence for adults other than DH and I.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If she thinks the Beaver way is normal, maybe the Beavers will let her mooch after she turns 18. As long as she knows it won't be you guys. 

tog redux's picture

You are right, you can't fight that.  Either SD is wired like the Beavers, or she is learning from them, but either way, she doesn't see school as important.  You can try to get her interested in vocational stuff, but in the end, if Beaver's message is "who needs school, not you", then you have an uphill battle in that area.

My DH actually did terribly in school despite being very smart - but he worked hard at jobs outside of school.  So SS doing terribly in school was not surprising, except that he's also lazy like BM, so he doesn't work hard in school OR in jobs.  And surprise! He barely graduated and is free-loading off of BM, who seems fine with it as far as I can tell.

CLove's picture

Been There Done That Got The T Shirt.

Yep. Natural consequences are the ONLY avenue right now. Our situation too. When I saw progress report I just knew I needed to keep my trap shut and just pass it along. When they both made sure to tell me the D was actually a B, I just said "cool! Its ALL good!"

So yeah, SD 15 backstabber has an "A" in ceramics and ROTC. And all "B's" in the harder stuff and this is at the beginning where she goes strong and then at the end cannot sustain it. So - natural consequences.

advice.only2's picture

Really since she has no insetive or currency there really isn't anything that's going to motivate her.  I will say I am dealing with my own BD15 dragging her feet about getting her learners permit and I have told her once she turns 16 she is responsible for getting herself to and from activities outside of far that hasn't motivated her much, but I'm sure it will come next year when she stuck calling for rides to dance or to go to friends houses.