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Baggage

h7's picture

I don't know if this belongs on here today, but it's an issue involving a former step parent & I can't really talk to anyone about it.

Okay, so I moved back to my home town & everything is going really well. I got on this local website & discovered I could put a personal ad on there so I did. Now I have met someone who is really interested in me & I want to run. Oh, I can handle the disappointment when I or they lose interest, when they act like jerks or whatever. But this is a long term behavior I have had... when a guy actually likes me & he's really friendly, I close up & run. Why?

My first step father. I was 4, & he was the nicest, most friendly man on the face of the earth... until he married my mother. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, he was a bully. And he remained a bully everyday for 5 years. The nice, friendly guy he was... gone, never to be seen again. And I lived in fear of the violence I witnessed. (In hindsight he never touched me, but he & my mom were violent sometimes.)

Now this new guy who is so nice & friendly wants my number. Most people would be delighted. Not me... I'm all anxious & I want to run. Then again, I don't want to repeat the same things I always have & let that man still control me with fear. I want to overcome this, but I just can't seem to take the next step. This sucks.

Comments

Struggling Step Mom's picture

I understand the fear, I finally took the leap when I asked out my now DH. He was too nice, too sweet, too considerate...get the pic? I had every hair on the back of my neck standing up when I started dating him, I wanted to run so bad. But I took it slow, spent time with him and he isn't one of the fake ones. I can still get manulipulated by my ex, he possesses charm and wit that you just believe...it is all a put on face to get you to do what he wants...I know that your Mr Nice and Friendly my not be "the one" but it gets you out there, you will find him eventually...don't lock yourself away so he can't find you!!
That is my little blurb. Just take it really slow...you don't have to marry him...unless he turns into Mr Right!! Smile Good Luck.

h7's picture

Marry?! Girl I'm not that far yet. But thanks for replying. I took your advice & gave him my number. Now he's starting to say rude & inappropriate comments. Figures. Do real gentlemen not exist anymore?

This is why I considered going out with men who have kids. It seems to me that - for the most part - they have their priorities straight & are a little more mature.

For the most part... am I wrong?

Hipi

klinder180's picture

Well, I was divorced in 2003. After/during my divorce my ex did some awful things to me -- and in all fairness I probably was just as mean back. I hired a young lady who had missed applying to law school and had to sit out a year. She was wonderful. She worked really hard; did the things I asked her to do and I could trust her. I slowly started to learn to trust again. Yesterday I was in Chicago and Monday evening she, I and her current longterm boyfriend went out for dinner. I have to admit, I probably had a little bit of a crush on her when she worked for me, but I never did anything inappropriate.

About the time she started working for me, I met my ex gf and we dated for almost four years. Ashleigh helped me learn to trust again and the ex gf (I think) helped me learn that I could be in a relationship again. Sadly the relationship with the ex gf did not work out, but I am still friends with the lady who helped me learn how to trust. Not friends with the ex gf though.

There is a saying that people come into our life for a reason; a season or a lifetime. We don't know what that is until they are here and gone. God knows what he is doing -- and sometmes he just likes to screw with our tiny little minds!

With kids -- without kids? Good question, but maybe not the right question. If you are a parent you can see how they might act around your children by observing their values. Yet, they can also act totally different around step kids. Having children probably doesn't mean they are more mature or have a reflection on their priorities, it might be you are looking at people more on age; profession; social status etc -- which is not elitist, but a very good way of figuring things out.

I don't know the answer about with kids or without kids for myself. Sounds like you need to find people that will help you learn to trust and grow. I know I did.

Kevin

sweetthing's picture

I always think when I read your posts that I wish you could date my sister. She recently broke off a relationship with a guy who she had been friends with but had wanted more for years. His thinking that it was okay to go on vacation with his EW & her family & leave my sister at home drove her to it.

She is 36 never been married, beautiful, sucessful & can't find a decent man to save her soul. On her 36th b-day shortly after she broke up with this guy she went on a lunch date with a guy she met at the gym. On the date he tells her he is married. I know it irritates her that I met my DH shortly after my divorce was over & that she keeps having relationships with men that are jerks. Dating is one of the toughest things you can do after the age of 30.

Hanny's picture

I just broke up with my BF of 3 1/2 years on Monday night. I too am going to be very skiddish with the dating thing. I was married at age 18 to my HS boyfriend, divorced 2 years later, then met my ex of 22 years with 5 kids. Then with this BF who has 2 kids. I think I'm leaning toward the guy who has been married, and his kids are grown and out on their own. But you will still find baggage there. We all have baggage.

h7's picture

I think I'm just going to delete the profile & stop the online dating. I'm just going to have to put off unpacking for a few days & go out & meet people, get involved, let things happen naturally with the right person - kids or not.

Thanks again!

h7's picture

Well, I did it again.

I am... the creep magnet.

I actually told this guy up front that I wanted to slow things down & he turned that into a sexual innuendo.

Great. I'm talking to the Todd from Scrubs. Peachy.

frustrated like nobodies business's picture

a lot when I started dating again after my last break-up was to date but not really date. I don't think that makes much sense,but basically if someone was interested and wanted to go out, I let them know that I wasn't looking for anything serious and if they wanted to just casually hang out (no sex) then I would be ok with that. Usually the ones that are in it for a quick poke will run off without turning back. The ones that are really looking for a relationship will take it slow with you because they see something in you that they like that much. That brings me to my current relationship. I can't say enough good things about him. As much as he wanted to be serious with me early on, he went my pace and we got to be really good friends first, then on to the serious dating. It gave us a chance to better understand eachother and when the sex and the dating and all the rules involved in that doesnt clog your mind, you can really open up to a person and not feel pressured or like you have to put on a show to get/keep the person. I feel like I'm rambling...Also, sometimes when posting on internet sites or dating sites...unfortunatley a lot of the guys on those places see the women on the other side of their screen as easy prey. Not saying that everyone who goes on those sites are desperate...this is just my experience from having guy friends that use those sites basically for an easy lay and unfortunatley a lot of the women they meet on there give it up without even thinking twice. Because of this maybe that's why this person is already making sexual comments and testing you basically to see how far you'll let it go. If he's already being rude in that way you can probably scratch trying to get him to slow down. Don't let him think he's being funny if you feel uncomfortable. He seems to be looking for something in particular and you're looking for something completely different. Stick to what you want out of a relationship and if your gut is telling you to run it's probably cause you should put your nike's on and hall ass.

klinder180's picture

Life throws us many different curves -- some times they suck but most often they are what we make of them. Chemistry is a weird fickle thing. In a relationship where we care for the other person and really, really like them some commetns are welcome -- when we don't like that person they are offensive coments.

I just wish life was easy, but then again it wouldn't be so exciting.

36 and single huh? Does she like rock n roll music?

Kevin

h7's picture

Caribgirl, your words helped me a lot. I didn't know what to say to this guy, so I basically just followed your advice. Hopefully he'll lose interest now.

And Kevin, you're right, when we like someone we welcome those comments... but I didn't get a chance to really like or dislike this person yet. That's why I gave him the benefit of the doubt, despite my urge to run like hell. I told him nicely to back off & he didn't. In fact, he pushed harder & went over the line. How do I trust someone who doesn't respect the boundaries I set? I just can't.

klinder180's picture

I am still trying to figure this relationship stuff out all over again myself. Respect has to be at the foundation of every relationship -- I believe that more now than I ever did. Friendship; professional associations and intimate relationships. I look at all the comments on here and it seems that the one thing that is lacking is respect -- why would we let a step child yell at an adult? Shouldn't there be respect towards that person who is volunteering to be a step parent? If its a bio parent, shouldn't we respect the fact that even though the relationship ended the other person is still a parent? If they choose to remarry doesn't life for our kids go so much easier if there is respect for everyone involved?

Ugh, someone smack me. Its been too long of a week already.

Kevin

h7's picture

Kevin, I don't think it would make your week any better if someone DID smack you! lol
Well, respect is really lacking everywhere. My ex-creep had respect for nobody. This new guy had no respect for me & we hadn't even met face to face. And after all the fighting I did (& bridges I burned) to get respect I'm not compromising that.
As far as kids ar concerned, they test boundaries. It's what kids do. It's up to the adults to have a backbone & put those kids in their place, without doing real damage. But that's easier said than done, of course.

proud mom's picture

Hang in there!! The person who is right for you is out there somewhere and you will find them someday and you will just know. I met my DH on an online dateing site I contacted him actually it took me about a week to contact him I seen him there but he is 5 years younger than me so I figured there was no chance but his profile kept popping up all the time so I finally contacted him and guess what 11 months later we were married. I even tried to break it off with him twice because of my ex and some of my family causing problems but I just kept ending up back in his arms. He tells me that he knew the day we met that we would spend the rest of our lives together and the funny thing is I felt the same way. Don't get me wrong we have bad days but guess what everyone does. Hang in there Mr/Mrs right is out there and you will find them when you least expect it.

Live for today,you may not have a tommorow

kathleen's picture

Dating isn't easy, I'll tell you mine. When I started dating again, after a long unwed living situation, I was scared shitless to say the least. I was in my late thirties and felt that no one would want me. I did go on some internet dating sites and spoke on the phone with a few guys, some for a few weeks. I never met anyone in person. Even those who made it a few weeks on the phone turned out to raise hairs on my back. I emailed a few seemingly nice guys but mostly creeps. Some really scary which made me even more wary of the whole dating thing.

I had friends set me up on dates, and I met a few people on my own but I always kept it really casual like Caribgirl did. My favorite first date was going for a hike with my dogs. I weaned out a few straight away with that. I never put myself in a situation where alcohol, or late nights would put me at the mercy of some guy with an ulterior motive.

Long and short, I kind of gave up. I told my friends to leave me alone, no more blind dates. Then I met my husband, in line at a burrito stand in Chicago O'Hare airport. We lived in different states and talked on the phone for a long time. We really got to know each other that way and I felt safe with him by the time I met him again in person.

In retrospect, I would have probably moved to Texas and into my own house before marrying him. I would have understood the ex situation better but that is not the point of this dating story.

Trust yourself and whatever your body is telling you. If you feel uncomfortable, go ahead and run, you are probably right. Take time to get to know someone, and don't think you have to make a commitment for any reason. You come first, and if someone wants to take you out, they should honor and respect your boundaries and your feelings. take the time to go slow so that you can get to know them. What you learn from the men you meet in the very beginning will tell you exactly the kind of relationship you will have with them long term.

Hanny's picture

and you thought no one would want you. Try your 50's girl Smile I don't know if I can do the internet thing, it just scares me, I guess it's my age! Not sure how I want to try to connect with nice guys, still figuring that out. Anyone out there that's my age who has any suggestions, let me know.

Hanny

sweetthing's picture

then the 50's are the new 40's. Smile

My vote is go younger anyway. My first husband was 10 years older than me & DH is 6 years younger. My sister & I used to joke that my BF was younger than hers. Something she never thought she'd be telling me as I have always dated older men.

kathleen's picture

You may say the late 30's is young compared to you. But when you are in your late 30's it feels, well too late. The same goes with any age. It depends on what you think about yourself. I know many women your age and older who date and start over. I'll ask them and see what their advice is. It might take me awhile to run into them. I'm a Flight Attendant so I know them from work. But I'll do the research and I will let you know.

kathleen's picture

It is true. We are all getting younger as we grow older and looking and feeling better too. I snagged a guy 7 years younger and my cousin, 10 years younger, my FIL girlfriend is 10 years older than him, almost 70 and still kickin it! She's a hottie who teaches yoga. So age is only a barrier in our mind.

h7's picture

Dating is definitely tough, especially when you've grown up witnessing relationships that are all wrong. Now my current step dad is a decent man, but he can just be so rude & cold sometimes. At least he backs off when you tell him to. I really don't think it's got anything to do with age, although I don't think it makes it easier.

Well, I've only been back for about 6 weeks now, so I'll give it time. I'm just going to give up on the online dating thing. Most of those guys were creeps, but then there were a couple guys who bailed when they found out I have a better job than they do. WTF?