So I feel like I am going to lose it!
I am sorry to resort to posting this but I feel that if I don't get it out I may regret my actions. I have been battling depression since my teenage years. I have always had a large group of "friends", been in sports, had many many boyfriends, and school always came easy to me, but I have always felt alone.
For the past few years my depression has gotten worse, even though I have sought help, I have not been completely honest with my therapist or myself. I often wish I can get run over by a bus and end everything but then I would miss out on my DS's life. He is the most important person in my life and I would hate for him to grow up thinking I didn't love him enough to stick around.
Anyway, my depression has gotten worse since SD moved in. I just feel like my world has been turned upside down. I often find myself sitting in the dark crying because there is nothing else I can do. I feel that I am the worlds worst person because I cannot stand her. She is a kid, I mean yes she does things that I do not agree with but those are the things she has learned from her mother. I find myself feeling disgusted with myself because I resent her and her FATHER (DH) for her being here. I have posted here and it does make me feel a bit better that I am not the only one that feels the same, but I cannot help but think I am horrible.
I would love to be able to tell this to my therapist but I am afraid of what she will think. I just cannot face someone actually looking at me with a face of disgust because of how I feel towards a child. Obviously this is not the only reason for my depression, but this is the most pressing since she is about to be a permanent fixture in my household. I just don't know what to do. I want to be happy. I don't think leaving my husband is the answer, it will only put my son in my SD's shoes and I don't think I can do that to him. I would prefer to live my life hating myself but making sure he is happy with both his parents together and "happy".