SS HUMILIATED dh last night

Dh and I have learned not to give bm an inch because she takes a mile. Anything dh does extra bm makes sure he does everything 100%. For example, when ss was 5 bm signed him up for soccer. Dh took ss to a practice on his night and then bm completely bowed out and refused to take ss to anything practice related and dh was stuck doing it all season even on her days. Because of this we signed ss up for Karate on our nights. It meets once a week and I can take my girls the same night so all our kids are involved in an activity on the same night which makes it easier on us. That is all dh will participate in when it comes to ss activities.

Well bm signed ss up for cubscouts. Dh really wanted to be a part of that as a father and son thing but he knew bm would just dump it all on him so dh hasn't participated. It was a hard decision for him to make but he knew what bm is like. Anyway, last night ss went from cub scout to boy scout and it was a big to do. They were supposed to invite friends and family and after the ceremony there is a reception. SS asked us if we would come and we said yes. Then ss started asking us to buy him a boy scout shirt. Dh told him no that his mom put him in the activity and that she will have to buy it for him. SS kept asking and dh told him to stop and he did.

Last night was the ceremony and when we got there ss was the only one not in uniform. He had on his cub scout uniform which is blue while the others were in the green uniform for boy scouts.. Dh's stepdad asked ss where his green uniform was and ss yelled his mom didn't have the money since her car broke down and their hot water heater went out so she couldn't afford to buy one. Dh's stepdad asked him why didn't he ask his dad and ss yelled (he was yelling his answers because he yells everything) my dad never buys me anything and when I asked him he said he didn't care if I had a shirt and that if mom can't afford it I shouldn't be in scouts. Dh's stepdad said I am sure that's not true and ss (again!) yelled, Yeah huh, last week he took Kristie's kids to get shoes and when I told him I needed new ones cause mine had a hole in them he said he pays child support and he isn't buy new ones.He said that he had to sit and watch my kids get new shoes. Folks, it was dead quiet. Everyone had stopped and was listening to what ss was screeching. I felt so bad for dh.

DH's stepdad told ss he would buy him the shirt and get him some new shoes. I walked over to try and make us not look like horrible people and explain that ss had newesh shoes on and that the hole was on the top where he stuck his pencil in but dh's family walked away from me. The rest of the night whenever we tried to talk to anyone they were courteous and got away from us as soon as possible. Dh's family completely ignored him except his stepdad who asked if ss was lying and would only allow dh to answer yes or no and then dh's stepdad walked away from him. Dh's stepdad raised him and dh adores the ground his stepdad walks on. Bm sat there smirking and explaining to people her transmission died and how her hot water heater exploded and how much it was to have a new on put in. I overheard people telling her it was okay and that it's okay for ss not to have the uniform on. She was gushing over dh's stepdad (his mom was out of town helping her mom) about how nice it is to have a male care about ss and by the end of the night dh's stepdad had agreed to do boy scouts with ss and signed up as a helper chair person. Dh feels humiliated and like a failure.

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I wanted to rip ss head off

I wanted to rip ss head off but dh is so upset I don't think he will punish him. He kept calling himself a horrible dad last night and I am really afraid he is going to back track all of our progress.

How would you handle this? I

How would you handle this? I need to bring this up to dh but I don't know how to word it other than your son needs to learn not to embarrass us like that.

I guess this is what happens

I guess this is what happens when people dig their positions in hard. Your DH has drawn his line in the sand with his kid. It's a tough concept for a kid to understand.. so you are only my dad when I am with you? Oh.. and because you pay support, you can't ever get me anything "extra"?

It sounds like maybe your DH could have asked why BM hadn't bought the proper uniform.. then he may have decided to be flexible and get him his new outfit.

I also don't think that in general, it's much fun for kids to go on shopping trips to buy other people stuff. You have to understand how he might feel in that situation. I'm not saying that parents always have to give in and spoil kids, but it's also a matter of being aware of their feelings.

"I also don't think that in

"I also don't think that in general, it's much fun for kids to go on shopping trips to buy other people stuff. You have to understand how he might feel in that situation. I'm not saying that parents always have to give in and spoil kids, but it's also a matter of being aware of their feelings."

A lot of things aren't fun, but you have to do them anyway. I agree with the rest of your comment, but kids have to learn that sometimes they get things and sometimes they don't.

I agree with this. We don't

I agree with this. We don't stop our life because ss graced us with his presence. My dd's needed dress shoes for Easter and ss was with us when we went to get them. The world does not resolve around ss.

He has ss every other weekend

He has ss every other weekend and on Tuesdays, then the weekend he doesn't have him he also gets Thursdays. We got the shoes when we had ss because the store was right next to where they do karate. We just went an hour early.

The only activity my girls

The only activity my girls get is also karate. 1 activity for all 3 kids.

So bm could have gotten him a

So bm could have gotten him a shirt? I will let dh know this, i'd like to say I am shocked but I am not!

I disagree with waiting until

I disagree with waiting until SS isn't there to get the shoes. It is acceptable for a child to learn that sometimes some people get things and others don't, and maybe next time it'll be SS's turn.

We recently bought clothes for our younger children with skid there and got skid nothing. We got a bunch of cheap things for them, but we did explain to skid that since they are older, we prefer to wait and buy clothes that match their style/are better made because they are older and can wear their clothes for longer periods and do have their own style. I wouldn't want to buy them a bunch of $5 t-shirts just because we did for the younger kids. I'd rather pay more for fewer items they'll actually enjoy wearing. I don't think we had to explain this to skid, because we teach the kids that life isn't about counting up what everyone else has and trying to determine if things are fair, but it is about enjoying and appreciating what you DO have, because having anything more than the basics (and even just having the basics) means you are incredibly lucky.

Yeah, but I'm frustrated in

Yeah, but I'm frustrated in life at times. Sometimes it stinks, but it is a part of life and not the worst thing ever. He's 10, he's not too old to learn to get over it. Heck, my 1yo and 3yo have to do it, and cope just fine, at times. That's just life.

I'd have to ask, is it worth the gas and inconvenience to make 2 trips just to make sure things aren't slightly frustrating for 1 kid? Probably not. With 3 kids, things get hectic.

Oh please. Then he can learn

Oh please. Then he can learn about patience while he's at it. He does not need to be entertained 24/7. Geez you just really want to reem her for having the audacity to take her SS to the damn shoe store and not buy him shoes. Oh. The. HORROR! You know, he'd probably get bored and have to wait even if he did get shoes because if he's like most boys, he'd find a pair in 2 seconds, and if the girls are like most girls, they'll try on several pairs. Stop reaching, this is a stupid argument and you're just trying to make OP look selfish, which she's not.

He was fine and played on dhs

He was fine and played on dhs phone. Thanks for standing up for me.

Oh, please, HR. Sometimes

Oh, please, HR. Sometimes kids will be bored, sometimes kids won't get something while others will.

Suck it up, buttercup.

He might die from boredom

He might die from boredom :?

Good G-d, how do kids make it through church??

He gets 1 activity on "this"

He gets 1 activity on "this" side of the family... don't forget, he ALSO goes to scouts. Stop nitpicking. I don't know about anyone else, but in this chaotic world, SOMETIMES you just have to multi-task in the short amount of time you have. Shoot, I've done this with my own kids, and I'm sure someone will say how unfair it was because although they are both mine, one is a boy, one is a girl... so obviously I was favoring one over the other?

Are you saying she MEANT to

Are you saying she MEANT to put him in that situation? I interpreted it as her saying there were no other options that were viable at that time... like she said, although it WAS an option to take him home after karate, then drive right back again to do the shoe thing (right next to the dojo), was that a realistic option? Or was that just burning fuel and time? There are always options to dealing with a situation, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do, and it will probably make someone uncomfortable.

Yes dealing with 3 is a lot.

Yes dealing with 3 is a lot. Many, many times I took 1 kid alone so I didn't have to deal with more than 1 at a time.

Also, she has 2. DH has 1. Dh could've taken SS to maybe get his shirt at that time. I wonder if DH paid for the shoes for the girls.

I do understand that... but

I do understand that... but it still is a concept that can be difficult for a young kid to understand. When piled on to the other stances that the dad takes with the kid, I could see how it might feel like just another example that his dad doesn't care.

Because, the kid doesn't see dad pay the CS..so he is a bit removed from that dynamic. Again, I understand that CS should go to clothing.. but I also believe that NCPs should be buying the kids a few things too.. obviously not equal.. but maybe in line with the amount of time they have the kids for.

seriously... all you can do

seriously... all you can do now is keep on telling DH he's a good father he did nothing wrong...

maybe he should've explained better to SS why he's not buying the uniform,, something like, let mum get it and bring the receipt then I can refund her....

Why DH kept quiet while SS was going on is beyond me, I would've pulled that little shit in and get him to tell the truth.... and BM would've been asked aloud.. what do you do with CS bitch

I've been sending him texts

I've been sending him texts all morning telling him what a great dad he is and that I love him. I've sent him pics of him doing activities with ss and my girls to boost his spirit.

My girls don't go to their

My girls don't go to their dads and yes dh will sometimes do things with just ss. We are trying to blend as a family so mostly we do family activities.

And her DH should put his kid

And her DH should put his kid first. Obviously, SS is feeling like that isn't happening.

12yrs old is old enough to

12yrs old is old enough to understand that he doesn't get something every time someone else does. Just because one kid needs shoes doesn't mean everyone in the house gets shoes. Do your kids get everything at the same time regardless of if it is needed or not?

That's a categorically false

That's a categorically false statement. I have 19 nieces and nephews and 20+ great nieces and nephews. They were all taught manners and they do not SHOUT (most of them are from a divorced home:-( in public or at home. They only time they shout is when they were/are outside playing.

Probably because your nieces

Probably because your nieces and nephews don't suffer from COD spoiled rotten syndrome brought on by BM's lack of parenting.

I have to laugh at that one,

I have to laugh at that one, because Winona SD18 STILL comes out with "its not fair, everyone gets x,y,z - I should too!"

Ss went along because the

Ss went along because the store was next to Karate. Should we have taken ss home and then drove back to get the shoes? We were literally right there. If ss had needed new shoes he would have gotten them.

I'm confused. I could not

I'm confused. I could not have planned it better. 1 trip and I got the kids to Karate and my girls their Easter shoes.

But you wouldn't buy SS

But you wouldn't buy SS special 'Easter shoes'. I get he put a hole in them but the girls got special Easter shoes and he didn't.

Boys tear shoes up very quickly. You only have girls so you haven't see the damage a boy can do to his shoes in a week.

Yep, I've seen it done and no

Yep, I've seen it done and no he didn't get new shoes.

Easter shoes are important (to some people I guess) and scout shirts for awards ceremonies are also. Dad and his family was at the ceremony so you can't say it was just on BMs time.

Tomboys also tear up shoes

Tomboys also tear up shoes quickly. I went through them faster than my 2 brothers. Especially since I was a jock.

Me too. Mostly boys in the

Me too. Mostly boys in the neighborhood, and I was better at sports and climbing trees than all of them.

My DD's feet grew every 3 months. She is in a womens 11 now.

She played basketball for 12 years, so 3 pairs of basketball shoes a year. She also understood that the fall pair, which were always the 'new' whatevers and most expensive, were part of her Christmas present.

Again I say, oh please, HR. I

Again I say, oh please, HR. I dragged my boys to my daughter's activities all the time and vice versa. No one died because they were sitting in an ice rink while their sister skated. No one died because she had to sit through tae kwon do.

These things happen all the time in intact families, stepfamilies are no different.

I do think there is some

I do think there is some difference in scenarios. Differences in true siblings going with Mom and/or Dad to get one or all the siblings shoes vs stepsiblings going with their parent and stepparent.

In your example, Mom (you) took all your kids to store to get one or more of your kids something they needed. The other kid (also your kid) went because Mom (you) said so. "Get your butt in the car kid, I am not making three trips and your sister is getting shoes whether you like it or not" I've done it myself. Said it , myself. I ain't got time for this kiddo, suck it up, you got shoes six weeks ago.

But that's not how it is for this child in OP's case.

Kid needs scout shirt. Every other boy there has one. BM says nothing to Dad about being broke (may not have mattered if she had mentioned it). Kid is embarrassed at event because he is moving on in scouts and only he has wrong shirt on (defeats the sense of moving up ceremony in kid's eyes).

What does the kid see. He sees his father take his stepsisters to the store and buying them each Easter shoes. He sees the girls needs shoes for their Easter celebration. He sees they get the shoes. He gets no shirt he needs for his celebration for scouts. Kid is asked at event "where is your shirt" Kid replies honestly he got no short. No, Dad wouldn't buy me one. No, BM couldn't buy me one. Dad went to store and got my stepsisters what they needed for their celebration but I didn't get what I needed for mine.

Kid is 10-11-ish (cubs go 7-10 and end of fifth grade)

If SM had taken her own girls and purchased shoes (minus Dad) and even taken the SS along while making one trip to karate and shoe store, kid may have thought nothing of girl's getting something that night but not him.

What the kid is seeing is Dad and SM getting what SM's girls need, but not his needs.

SM can buy whatever she wants for her kids (and rightly so). SM's kids are going to do, go and get things from their mother that SS isn't going to get, go, do...because SM isn't his parent. Suck it up kid. Those girls are SM's problem, you are Dad and BM's problem.

Where it goes all wrong is when the boy's Dad , front and center in on, what is going on with the SM's daughters. They aren't Dad's kids. SS is. It's seeing his Dad take part (in his eyes) do, go, get for boy's stepsisters that is unfair to this boy (his boy's eyes). That's his Dad. He already 'shares' his father with these girls and the girls actually get more of Dad's time than boy does.

To the kid, this isn't about CS, it isn't about whether Dad vs Mom should pay, it isn't even about SM buying her girls shoes and SM not buying SS some. It's about how a young boy sees his father seemingly treating the stepsisters over him.

Keep Dad out of the stepsister stuff (girl shoe buying , inn this case, heck guys could have sat in car) and the boy won't view it in the unfair manner he currently does. Hell, the only thing that would have been even worse for the boy is if he saw his Dad pull out Dad's wallet to pay for the stepsister's shoes. Try explain that one to the boy. ( I do assume SM paid for her girls shoes)

I'm not directing my 2 cents at you, personally, except for that you gave the example of your in-tact family and being no different. IMO there is a major difference and some of it merely depends on how these things are handled.

Very well put. I bet Dad did

Very well put. I bet Dad did pull out the wallet and pay for the shoes.

Even in intact families, they

Even in intact families, they do things separate.

My late Dh and DS would go fishing all day or weekend. DD and I did our own thing.

You are putting your wants ahead of what the SS may want.

I think it is really

I think it is really unfortunate that DH isn't doing something with his son because of what BM may or may not do. I don't really understand because you said he wanted it to be a father-son thing, but if he did it, BM would dump it on him? This is confusing.

While I do not think SS was right for doing what he did, and I'm sure he was mostly repeating BM's words which certainly does NOT make it okay. I'd evaluate why DH doesn't do certain things and whether he is motivated by punishing BM or by her actions rather than his son's and his family's best interests. As far as the shoes go, that was a ridiculous complaint. SS should be reminded that fair and equal are not necessarily the same.

Dh's work schedule is never

Dh's work schedule is never set so if he takes ss once bm will dump it on him and then never help. They have activities once a month and if dh has to work that Saturday then bm wouldn't take him or if he has to work bm wouldn't take ss to the meeting. She would tell ss that his dad has a new family now and he isn't important. I bet she got a ton of digs in about dh not caring after last night.

Yeah, personally, I couldn't

Yeah, personally, I couldn't use that excuse and feel okay about it. How would DH ever make it a father-son thing if work was an issue? This still doesn't make sense. BM is going to say whatever she is going to say, but DH shouldn't let that effect how he wants to parent/bond with SS. Something to think about....

Yes to both! And why would

Yes to both! And why would stepdad point out the shirt missing to SS? Why not ask BM or DH directly (in private) if he was so concerned? Poor kid

Sorry, Lady, but I JUST had

Sorry, Lady, but I JUST had this conversation with Munchkin SD10 (who will soon be 11 btw)

We were chatting about her impending bday plans, and she mentioned that her mother told her she could choose X or Y, but not both, because that's all she could afford. Little Miss Clever then figured out a way to have BOTH X AND Y, without additional cost (pool party at BMs apartment complex OR bowling party, she figured bowling and then a sleepover whereby everyone can still jump in the pool.)

I told her, that for these things, her father still does contribute, so she would not worry too much about it. She then asked me "Is that what Child Insurance is for?"

Too funny! So because I like explaining things, thought it was a good teaching moment, I told her "no, Child Insurance is for when you get sick and have to go to doctor, for health things. You are probably thinking of Child Support, and because your parents share the time 50/50, and your dad pays for a lot of things, that your mother was nice enough not to ask for that. Like you know how he does the Back-to-school with you every year?"

The lightbulb went off, she grinned and nodded "yeah, that's ALL dad."
"yeah". So I think she, at her young age, understood the child support thing, as when only one parent buys stuff for the kids, takes them shopping for necessities. It gets more complex when it is a court-ordered monthly amount that the recipient may or may not spend on the child/children. That is more abstract.

That is completely OK. This

That is completely OK. This wasn't a 'want' thing for the OP SS, it was something he needed for his activity. An activity that DH and SS had been doing for months.

But they hadn't been doing it

But they hadn't been doing it for months. BM signed SS up on her own, the DH decided not to participate.

I saw that on down thread so

I saw that on down thread so I am in the wrong on that.

Now I really feel for the kid. All the Fathers doing scouts with their sons and SS' Dad didn't want to be dumped on by BM.

Wonder if the boys SF stepped up like Dhs SF stepped up.

Well, I gotta say, perhaps if

Well, I gotta say, perhaps if bm had signed him up for something like art on her time then dad could have signed him up for scouts in his own neighborhood. Dad could hardly sign him up for two troops, after bm had signed him up first, right?

Frankly, I see it as another piece of evidence she was trying to snag dad from the git go. Why else sign the kid up for something traditionally dad-ish at her house? By signing him up for scouts in her neighborhood she was dooming the dad to come spend lots of extra time in her neighborhood on her own days, basically make him her babysitter as well as flat out make him her bitch. Or if he refuses she gets to do the kind of thing she did do. Win-win for her, lose-lose for dad.

So why didn't she sign him up for computer club or something in her neighborhood and let dad take scouts on his own time in his own neighborhood?

She did say that but she also

She did say that but she also said the dad really "struggled" with the decision not to participate and that he "really wanted to do the father-son thing." So it suggests to me that if dad could trust bm to color inside the lines, he might do scouts on his own.

But you are right, perhaps that wasn't in the cards. Nevertheless, plenty of boys don't do scouts and she could have signed him up for something that had nothing to do with dad per se.

We pay child support and we

We pay child support and we didn't enroll him in the activity so why should we pay for it? We pay for his karate and his uniform there.

Because it is the right thing

Because it is the right thing to do for the child.... ? If you really just cannot afford it that is one thing. If you are not paying because you shouldn't have to, that is another. Because SS shouldn't have to be humiliated by not having the right uniform just because his father (and probably mother) wants to prove a point...

"We pay child support and we

"We pay child support and we didn't enroll him in the activity so why should we pay for it? We pay for his karate and his uniform there."

How much was the darn shirt? I bet it wasn't more than $20.

Dad won't participate in scouts with his son because mom may dump all of the responsibility on him.

Dad won't pay for a shirt, because mom receives CS.

Mom might be a bitch, but she is not the one hurting the kid. Dad is allowing his frustration with mom to impact how he interacts with his son. You can't blame mom or the kid for that. Dad owns his part in all of this 100%.

If dad continues down this path, his son will pull away. IF that happens, don't blame mom and PAS.

YES YES YES! Bm has taught us

YES YES YES! Bm has taught us well. She has proven that this is what she will do.

That is just the shirt and

That is just the shirt and not the badges you have to buy and have sown on. It's going to be very expensive.

Kids sew them on themselves!

Kids sew them on themselves! It's on of the badges they can earn. In my kids group it was an embarrassment to have a parent sew it on for you.
I showed my boys the stitches to use and handed them a needle and thread.

I feel sorry for your SS...to

I feel sorry for your SS...to be honest. As others have pointed out, he is probably too young to understand the whole CS argument. And, did you ever think that maybe he was humiliated to be the only kid without a matching shirt?

I am not agreeing with his method, but the kid is obviously hurting and feeling slighted. I think your DH needs to have an appropriate talk with him.

Also, I agree that your DH's stepdad and BM shouldn't have been instigating the situation, but that is what happened. Your DH got a really big reality check.

Dup

Almost 11.

Apparently he has "allergies"

Apparently he has "allergies" that stuff him up and make it hard for him to hear so he yells. That is what bm said the audiologist told her. He doesn't take allergy meds so I know she is lying. He just has no respect for others.

Did you husband contact the

Did you husband contact the audiologist or take him to see on himself to see if what mom says is true?

Wel clearly since you don't

Wel clearly since you don't do it, no one does because you are the authority.

Typical. Blame the mom but

Typical. Blame the mom but say nothing of the dad.

In my world both parents

In my world both parents teach their kids manners. Being a NCP is no excuse for puttibg the hard work that being a parent requires. If the kid is yelling, dad should speak up and correct him.

Mom's inability/refusal to be a proper mother isn't an excuse for dad not to be a proper father.

IF there isn't a medical reason for the yelling, then the kid does it because BOTH parents allow.

Well that was a lovely sexist

Well that was a lovely sexist comment, Annoyed. Good parents of both sexes teach their kids manners.

So using this logic, all of

So using this logic, all of the crazy BMs who treat the dads like cluessless idiots in regards to parenting must be right. :sick: :sick:

Since it is the mother's "role" to due the actual parenting, those moms who try to micromanage after the divorce are doing the right thing. :sick: :sick:

Men are not stupid, clueless beings who need women to guide them through parenting. Not parenting your child is a CHOICE. Not teaching your child respect/manners is a choice.

There is something very wrong when we reduce fathers to just an ATM and fun times.

Both parents are responsible/accountable for their children's behavior.

I disagree. BOTH of my

I disagree. BOTH of my parents taught us manners. BOTH of my parents felt it was THEIR responsibility to raise us to be respectful. This is not solely a woman's/mother's job. What about same-sex couples? Two dads are perfectly capable of teaching manners, etc. Just as two moms may not teach their children jack about being polite and respectful.

I'll tell DSO that he can't

I'll tell DSO that he can't possibly have raised SD by himself for 7 years bc he is a man and the MOm is the best at it. Guess need to tell the Judge that said she shouldn't ahve a pet let alone a kd.

I didn't comment on it

I didn't comment on it because this is a thread about how much SS embarrassed his dad. I agree that BM is at fault. Its a shame that these two parents couldn't have a conversation about it. And because of it, a kid was put in the middle of a crappy situation and was embarrassed/hurt.

Because this isn't about her.

Because this isn't about her. Sometimes you have to accept that BM might not/probably won't do the right thing. That doesn't mean you dig your heels in and also don't do the right thing. You don't always have to make up for BM's shortfalls, but you should consider what is important to you and your child and go from there. The BM in my situation signed my skid up for an activity and BAILED 100%. My DH got involved in the activity, we paid for things for it, I got involved, and we even picked skid up from BM's house and took them because it was an important activity to both DH and skid and it was the right thing to do and we had the ability to do it.

You have to take BM out of

You have to take BM out of it. Sure in a perfect world, she should take responsibility, she should be blamed, she should do the right thing. But if she doesn't, and DH can, DH should evaluate what is important to him and his son and do the best thing in each given situation.

If DH and I sat around evaluating what BM should and shouldn't do and refused to "make up" for it by doing the right thing for the skid (who is actually not that great of a kid), we would have a miserable existence. For my own sanity, I just have to get over trying to make things "fair" and just make the right decisions for my family (including skid). And telling BM anything will change absolutely nothing in most cases. And never assume BM will do what you consider right or fair.

Scouts is a Father/Son thing.

Scouts is a Father/Son thing. If DH didn't want to participate, he should have bailed a long time ago. Obviously this wasn't the first week or the kid couldn't cross over.

So if Dh is mad that BM signed him up and doesn't pay, then he should have explained to SS and the scout master that he couldn't continue.

Due to unexpected expenses,

Due to unexpected expenses, mom didn't have the money for a shirt.

To be honest, I think mom

To be honest, I think mom should have sucked up her pride and approached her EX about this. I mean, it's likely that he may have still told her "NO".. because it seems like his hackles are way up about her taking advantage.. but she should have at least tried to advocate on behalf of her kid.

BUT.. this post is from the Dad's wife and so all she can really discuss is how her DH was impacted.

I'm 54 and still don't have

I'm 54 and still don't have an emergency fund bc I keep having emergencies.

I don't see where an expense for the kid was BM making it anyone elses problem. The Dad is also responsible for the kid.

"I also don't understand why

"I also don't understand why the BM would let her kid be embarrassed like that in front of other kids and people."

Maybe she wasn't trying to embarrass him? Maybe she just didn't give into his whining for something she couldn't afford?

This board comes down on parents for jumping in and protecting kids, for giving them whatever they want, whenever they want it. Disney parents who hand over things at the slightest whine.

She might have said no, just like Dad did.

I disagree, DH hurt this

I disagree, DH hurt this kid.

It is just a freaking shirt, Dad could have bought it too! But NO, 5 years ago BM dumped soccer and all it's costs on Dad and that's NEVER happening again!!

If BM had called to explain the situation why do you think it would have been any different??
Do you think DH would have said oh, I didn't realize things were so bad for you, let me transfer money to you right now.
It would have been crazy BM calling asking for more money for something, how dare she call here asking for more when she already gets CS!!

BM told SS, sorry the car is broken down, the hot water tank is shot, you will have to wait for the shirt.
She didn't do it to hurt him, she did it because she didn't have the money for the shirt.

If she was interested in

If she was interested in protecting the boy's feelings, why does she tell him "dad has another family now, you're not important anymore?" OP wrote that somewhere in this giant discussion. I may not have got the exact words right but something very similar. This is very, very indicting of the bm to me. There are too many ways she could have fixed this situation for it not to have been on purpose and she has that track record.

I don't remember reading that

I don't remember reading that BM said that but I'll agree that she did.

BM saying things like that are ALL the MORE reason for dad to buy the shirt. Better yet, dad should have been involved enough to know that his son needed the shirt and why.
All the more reason for dad to get involved in scouts.

The only way to counter talk like that is for the kid to see that dad isn't treating his new family better.
In this kid's eyes he is!

Coaching by BM will work and it will work well when dad isn't involved. When he cares more about not giving BM once red cent more than he thinks she deserves than he cares about the activity that his kid is involved in.

I don't think BM actually

I don't think BM actually said that that OP is certain BM did.

What OP wrote was :

"Dh's work schedule is never set so if he takes ss once bm will dump it on him and then never help. They have activities once a month and if dh has to work that Saturday then bm wouldn't take him or if he has to work bm wouldn't take ss to the meeting. She would tell ss that his dad has a new family now and he isn't important. I bet she got a ton of digs in about dh not caring after last night."

She's making assumptions as to what BM would say/do "what if" situations. And was in response to a question asked of her.

This makes me crazy

This makes me crazy too.

Before exH got involved in hockey I had to take them to every practice and every game. When they were little some games or practices were at 4pm! No way I could get them there, I had to work till 5pm.
Tons of other parents stepped up. They would take my kid to the game/practice and I would bring theirs home.

Parents help each other out in situations like this, you get to know the other parents, the leaders. When dad has to work and BM won't take him, dad could have found someone to give the kid a ride!

From the post it now looks like it will be dads stepdad helping BM out with rides and he might even take part in scouts with this kid.
I bet if dad had called him, he would have helped out.

I know this is harsh but he

I know this is harsh but he should. Your DH let BM dictate his relationship with his son all because he didn't want to get dumped on? How does that even make sense if you also say DH WANTED to do scouts as a a Dad-Son thing. And while your DH feels embarrassed, it doesn't seem like the kid lied. His perspective sounds a little dramatic but your husband did tell him BM had to buy it. There's no doubt BM is using all this to her advantage and make your DH look bad to the kid and everyone else so the your DH has two options: do all or nothing.

This op reminds me of that

This op reminds me of that old poster who had two daughters and hated her step daughter. Her daughters we the bomb and the step daughter was a slob, who stole her own money to buy books. I know they are not the same. But I get the same vibe.

I don't hate my ss. I could

I don't hate my ss. I could rip his head off right now but I don't hate him. He is included in all of our family activities. If he isn't here then we wait to see the movie, go to the fair or the zoo. He is a member of this family just like my girls are.

We try to do things as a

We try to do things as a family. If ss isn't here than my girls and I will go do things and let dh relax. It means the world to dh to know I accept his son so I try my best to include him.

That poster also had her

That poster also had her daughters full timme with not contact from their dad. :?

I'm sorry this happened to

I'm sorry this happened to you but I'm going to give you my side as a BM.

My ex refused to pay for anything extra apart from CS (which he didn't pay for the first 3 years but I digress)
He was supposed to pay 70% of section 7 costs, extra curricular things, scouts, hockey, music, etc.

My boys wanted to play hockey, it's very expensive. Sign up costs, equipment, skates.
In mediation DH refused to pay for hockey, he said it was too expensive and too time consuming. That if I went ahead and enrolled them it would all be on me, he said you can't get blood from a stone.

I put them in hockey, begged and borrowed to get equipment, did hours and hours of volunteer work to cover their enrolment fees. Everyone in the hockey program knew I was doing it all on my own and they helped with rides and dinners. I was overwhelmed with kindness.

Neither I or my boys said one bad thing about my exH, we just did what needed to be done to get the boys playing.

While exH didn't want to be involved he did come to games. No one talked to him. I didn't feel bad for him, he was exactly where he'd put himself.
After the first season, he decided to get involved. He became a coach, took over getting all the equipment and we shared transportation. I did all the volunteering and so together we kept costs down.
Hockey eventually became their thing. I went to all the games but exH was the hockey Dad.

In the beginning it was just me telling him what he was going to do and that he was going to have to pay $$$$$$ He couldn't see that it wasn't about me, it really was about the kids.
Once he saw that he and they boys bonded over something they all loved.

Forget BM and really look at SS. Is Scouts something he loves? Is it good for him? Is there a way for DH to get involved and share this with SS?

Actually, a lot of colleges

Actually, a lot of colleges do use participation in activities outside of school in determining whether they accept someone. It CAN make a difference. Also, it's not just in the sense that you might get a scholarship for a sport.. but in general showing that the applicant is well rounded.

Maybe not directly for jobs.. but the college you graduate from might put you in the running for a better job.

That's the same argument used

That's the same argument used to cut arts from schools. It's not necessary in the real world.

The fact is, kids who participate in sports and group activities are better at life. They know how to be part of a team, they learn that it's not all about them and that helps them launch into adulthood.

Scouts teach lots of skills and train kids for independence. They have tasks to do and if they fail, they get some guidance and try again.

Everyone complains about millennials being entitled and having no work ethics. Scouts is one way to counter that.

Since it was good enough for

Since it was good enough for you, it should be good enough for all. Lol.

My brothers never did any

My brothers never did any team sports.

They are both great guys but neither of them can work in a team situation. Both have careers where they work alone. One brother is a graphic designer. His biggest problem is dealing with clients and finding a happy place between what they want and what he knows is going to work.
They both launched and have good lives but wish that they had the skills that team sports give you.

Show jumping is an activity. You were responsible for another living thing.
I'm sure you learned a lot of things that helped in your life.
That it isn't all about you, your horse needs care. That if you don't make the jump, you figure out what went wrong and fix it. That the more effort you put into something, the better you get at it. That if you don't clean up, no one else is going to do it for you.
I bet if you thought about it there are a hundred other things that added to your life skills, all from that one activity.

I guess my disagreement with

I guess my disagreement with your statement is that I feel extra curricular activities are a necessity.

So many of the problems SMs have with skids, lazy, unmotivated, dirty, uncaring, rude, and a host of others could be mitigated by enrolling them in an activity.

If it's important to you, you find a way.

Hockey for my two boys was outrageous in both time and money, but it was important to them. So I found a way. When my exH said hell no, I figured it out and still made it happen for them. I never told them it was their fathers fault they couldn't do it.

My skids played school sports. Less money and time but there were still sacrifices. That paid off big time, not just for them and their development but for DH with the scholarships they got.

You are right about the other

You are right about the other parent not having to pay 100%. But the OP states her DH wanted to do a Father/son activity and then just bitched bc BM signed SS up for a Father/Son activity and didn't buy a shirt. If BM wasn't attending the scout meetings, etc..she may not have known a shirt was needed until last minute.

If DH was attending the meetings, he knew about the uniform ahead of time.

Your DH and the BM acted

Your DH and the BM acted childish.
Your ss was embarrass because he was the only one without the right shirt. Of course when ask why he wasn't wearing one he is going to put the blame on his dad. Who choose not to buy him a shirt without bothering to ask him why he needs one.

I feel sorry for this kid, he's too young to be stuck between his parents games.
The op stated that her ss is a yeller, so I doubt he embarrass his dad on purpose. At anytime dh could have told his son to be quiet and they will discuss it later.

Did DH really said the child support thing? Because that was wrong of him. He should have told the kid that the reason he isn't getting new shoes is because he didn't need new ones yet. DH way of doing it basically imply that it was the BM fault that ss doesn't gave new shoes.

Overall I can understand why your DH was upset. I have a feeling that BM told ss to ask your dh. Instead of asking herself. Which, if that is true was very wrong of BM. Dragging a kid into adult business.

But should that mean she

But should that mean she should be the only one financially responsible for the child?

My income is higher than my ex because I have worked hard to succeed and he is kind of lazy. He is in a field where he should make more than me. Kids are expensive, health care , day care ect....

Our BM is supposed to pay

Our BM is supposed to pay $50/month bc she went the I'm so sick to work and got minimum SSI check. She hasn't paid in 7 years and won't for the next 2 until SD is graduated.

If Dad can't afford to get

If Dad can't afford to get his kid a shirt, then maybe he needs to get another job. I bet his paycheck helps support his SDs.

And I hate BM, so this is coming from a place of....its about the kid this time.

I buy stuff the kids need if

I buy stuff the kids need if we happen to be out together and SO isn't with us, SO pays me back, this guy could have literally paid for the shoes of his SD's and OP paid him back later. This is why finances aren't the business of a kid. Kid is sitting there thinking he saw his dad buy shoes for other kids but has no idea what is really going on and that OP really paid for the shoes. This dad is in a no win situation, kid asked for shirt but omitted the reason why he needed to ask dad for the shirt and then kid turned around the entire story to suit his fancy.

I'm just pointing out that

I'm just pointing out that the Dad can get a 2nd job as well as the BM. And if the SDs have no contact with their Dad, I would bet there is no CS for them and DH is helping with costs for the SDs, even indirectly.

I don't directly help financially for my SD, but I sure do indirectly by covering more of the house utilities and food than DSO. DSO is supporting her financially 100%, but he can't contribute half for the living expenses bc he gets no CS.

Dad can afford to buy his kid

Dad can afford to buy his kid a shirt, he pays a monthly payment called child support to buy shirts. Mom is the one that couldn't afford the shirt remember?

The SS does need hot water at

The SS does need hot water at his house if the tank blew up, so even if CS went for a new tank or to help with car repairs that gets her to work to support SS or to the store to buy him food, that CS is going to help SS.

but why isn't SHE obligated

but why isn't SHE obligated to pay for the repairs at her house??

I mean, I never went to Asshat with my hand out when my basement flooded, when I had to buy a new boiler, when I had to fix my car and ALL of those things directly impacted my kids....

I could be misunderstanding

I could be misunderstanding HRNY, but I think the point is that while the child's sisters were getting shoes, he was NOT getting his scout supplies. After reading this thread and seeing the same things repeated, I am starting to understand - the kid was hurting and in his mind if you get for one you should get for all - therefore he had a very emotional reaction. It was too abstract of a concept that Father A pays to Mother A for Child A, and therefore will not pay anything directly/extra for Child A, and then seeing children B getting what they need. Too abstract.

"He is a boy. Do boys want

"He is a boy. Do boys want fancy Easter shoes? JFC, we go clothes and shoes shopping and sometimes only one kid needs shoes or clothes. My other kid isn't upset about that"

Call me nuts, but if the girls are getting fancy Easter shoes, I assume they have cute Easter dresses to go with them. Now in my world, if the females are getting dressed up for Easter, the males are ws well. In that case, the boy would have a sharp, new suit and Easter shoes.

ss is with bm for Easter this

ss is with bm for Easter this year. If he was with us then he would have gotten a new suit and new Easter shoes.

So, I'm not nuts.LOL

What I am guessing is that

What I am guessing is that DH's Stepdad was actually really involved with his step son. He probably did things like take his own money and bought things for the guy when he was a boy. He probably didn't read the CO to see what was required.. he just saw a kid who needed things and did it.

So, when he hears that this boy, that he treated so well when he wasn't even his own flesh and blood, won't even step up and buy the kid a scout shirt??? He thinks less of him.

Because, in reality, we can all point to the CO and state that "that's what CS if for" etc.. but in the end, what happened is there was a 10 yo boy that didn't have the right shirt for his ceremony.

Both parents deserve to take a hit. I think that BM is garnering some sympathy due to her financial crisis situation.

I get that your DH didn't

I get that your DH didn't want to be taken advantage of by BM but at the same time I don't think buying the shirt would have been that big of deal.

I pay for all of BS's sports. Equipment, travel, uniform, etc. I also do all of the transporting for sports. I do it because I love my BS.

I would never tell him- NOPE you can't do it because your dad doesn't pay his child support like he should. Yeah his dad takes advantage of me... but at the end of the day I love my BS and I want him to be involved in the sport so I suck it up and just do all the work that comes with it.

Not saying that you guys should let BM take advantage of you... but sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and see what the benefit would be for the child involved.

What did kid do wrong? He

What did kid do wrong? He was asked a question and he answered with what THE ADULTS told him.

And yes this kid could be tainted, not by the shirt thing, but that he didn't get what he needed and the girls got what they did.

She could still be poor and

She could still be poor and get child support. Depends on how much child support she gets and if she works (and her pay).

Goblin - seems I did not get

Goblin - seems I did not get your original post and that read it wrong, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Due to DH buying some soccer equipment way back, BM had a fit and refused to take SS to soccer (activity she enrolled him into without talking to DH) This caused DH taking SS to soccer on BM's day till the end of the season.

Then you and DH decided fine, SS can be enrolled in karate with your children, you will take them there and pay for everything, not stepping on any one's toes.

BM then enrolled SS into scouts, on her time, once again not talking to DH, cause it's her time and her decision.
SS needed a uniform shirt and DH simply said ask your Mum kiddo..... why because he still remembers the soccer, if he went and bought that shirt, BM would've done the same thing as with soccer, thus DH driving around every night to keep SS in scouts....

SS then came up with this shit story BM told him about why he does not have a new shirt, and BM made it sound like DH is not even paying CS?

This has BM manipulation written all over it - this is the way I see it.... now SS is 12 and old enough to understand the thing about CS, to understand the thing about, what ever BM does for you is her responsibility, we will take care of you on our time and what we get you to do?

10/12 does not matter......

10/12 does not matter...... Dh can explain it to him in detail and about boundaries and not stepping on BM's toes.

Dh learned his lesson with BM, even if it's 5 years ago, I give the man that, he's not stepping in the same trap over and over

If SS knew the facts he would've answered ask my mother..... but BM is probably telling SS she's paying for everything and he thinks his father is not paying for anything.... hence the S explanation.

Scary, scary, I agree with

Scary, scary, I agree with you.

IDK why anyone is ragging on the BM over this. Shit breaks down, and for me, I seem to always have 2 expensive things break at once. BM told the kid...hey, I have no car and we have no hot water so I need to wait until we get your shirt.

Dad refused to buy a $20 shirt bc he is pissed at BM from soccer 5 years ago and refuses to buy him a shirt. The shoe thing was just the kid telling his view.

Kid was honest and answered a question he was asked.

So you punish the kid bc BM

So you punish the kid bc BM didn't do the adult thing?

DSO and I raise SD by ourselves with no help from BM. She is going on a band trip to Disney in 2 weeks. It leaves DSO flat broke, but he never once said 'Well you can't go bc BM doesn't pay CS.

We've already established the

We've already established the shirt can be purchased for as little as 8 bucks. See the link previously posted.

BM had at least 15 different opportunities to either provide the green shirt, prepare the boy for handling a blue shirt emotionally and socially, or inform dad fully.

Dad only failed to read bm's mind once. Imho, if there is any blame to be had, Dad can at most take 1/15th of it.

But also imho BM deliberately set up this trap for dad, is on a PAS campaign, and Dad and sm are wise to try very hard to keep firm boundaries with her.

Completely agree (with Acra)

Completely agree (with Acra) - this was totally orchestrated by BM. She set her son up to be humiliated in order that he could then humiliate his dad in turn. What a little Leonard Berstein she is, getting all the piccolos, violins, and tympani drums to play their parts right on cue.

There's no way she couldn't have found a shirt for that kid. I don't care how "poor" she is. She could have approached the scoutmaster or found some mom on the block who's boy has outgrown his or dug through every rack at Goodwill. Yes, she should have budgeted for Scouts beforehand but assuming she really was in a bind she could have come up with something. She deliberately sent him in the blue shirt. She tossed him in there like a little time bomb.

She knew how her former father in law would react and what effect that would have on op's dh. What a maestra.

I understand op and her dh trying to find a way to keep boundaries and limits on this woman's manipulations.

Hopefully dh can call up his dad and insist on explaining himself.

Ugh. Can't fix my typos up

Ugh. Can't fix my typos up there. The man's names is Bernstein, not Berstein. And I do know the proper use of "whose" and "who's." Sometimes my fingers get ahead of my head. Now I'll have to see it up there forever. Blech.

I know how you feel - I fat

I know how you feel - I fat fingered a few letters in a comment and now it is in some members' taglines - I have to look at it all the time!!

And now I see a typo in my

And now I see a typo in my typo post! Aaaarrrghh!!!

~waves at WOB~

~waves at WOB~ }:)

*waves back at Aniki but with

*waves back at Aniki but with which finger??*

The bird finger...lol

Ding ding ding ding!

Doesn't matter, your post

Doesn't matter, your post made perfect scents!

Kidding about the 'your' and 'scents'. }:)

"I would have your DH have a

"I would have your DH have a talk with his stepdad about butting out of family situations. I would point out that we don't reward children for acting badly. He poked a hole in his shoes with a pencil and RUINED his shoes. He doesn't get new ones for acting badly. Also, I would have DH say to his stepdad that stepdad made the situation worse by questioning his son. If he wanted to know why he didn't have a shirt, he could have asked DH. It caused a scene and it would inappropriate to continue questioning the kid when the kid was yelling his responses."

All this ^^^^.

Also, if bm really cared about her kid and she absolutely couldn't come up with a shirt, she would have coached him how to behave that night properly. "Why don't you have the green shirt?" "We're working on it! It'll be here soon!" All said quietly and privately.

No, she had to bitch and moan to her son about her money woes and stoke every bit of resentment in him she could suss out. PAS at its finest.

Hey Chief, because that's

Hey Chief, because that's what all parents do...p!ss and moan about their financial issues to a 10yo.

I believe the sarcasm emoji

I believe the sarcasm emoji is embedded in Aniki's post. Hologram, you have to look at it just right.

Sarcasm, indeed!! I figured

Sarcasm, indeed!! I figured "p!ss and moan" would be a clear indication that I was being sarcastic.

Anonymama, of COURSE kids

Anonymama, of COURSE kids should be kids and adults should NOT be laying that crap at a kid's doorstep. I was being sarcastic. BioHo has pulled this crap for years and my DH pays $$$ in CS. 'Ho is full of sh!t and it was/is solely an attempt to PAS.

Ours does this crap, too.

Ours does this crap, too. Such a victim of evil circumstance but has a picc line into my dh's veins. She could be living very nicely right now on dh's money alone but she pisses it all away and then gets sympathy from her daughter who in turn gives her dad the evil eye.

I wish dh had taken Rags' route a long time ago with the being age appropriate open about the child support with her. But she was already 12 when I came along and it wasn't my call.

I also wish my DH had taken

I also wish my DH had taken Rags' route. BioHo has tried from the very beginning to PAS the skids. Unfortunately for her, it has never worked with PrincASS and PigPen. SD20 and SD23 (DH's SD) bought into it for awhile, but then 'Ho pulled some sort of crap that had them hating her. SD20 saw the divorce papers (3 years ago) and realized that DH truly WAS paying big CS bucks to 'Ho and that 'Ho was LYING about it. Also that 'Ho was using CS to fund her own 'upkeep' (manis/pedis, hair appts, name brand pricey clothing) while the skids got Walmart clothes/shoes. And that was when SD20 stopped coming over to scream at DH to give 'Ho more money and started visiting because DH is a good man and a good father.

Indeed. (to Aniki)

Indeed. }:) (to Aniki)

"No, she had to bitch and

"No, she had to bitch and moan to her son about her money woes and stoke every bit of resentment in him she could suss out. PAS at its finest."

Have you ever told your bios that they couldn't do x,y,z bc the car broke down, the hot water tank went out and money was tight? That isn't PAS, that is what we tell our kids when we are having money issues at the moment.

The kid shouldn't have been yelling but he was just being honest about why his parents wouldn't buy him a shirt.

Can't agree. A kid that young

Can't agree. A kid that young should feel his world is secure. My dh's parents were quite poor. He says he and his siblings never actually knew it. They just did things a certain way and the kids just thought it was all for the fun of it.

BM did not have this boy's best interests at heart. That is very clear. I really doubt she couldn't come up with $20 bucks for the shirt or try the other options I've already mentioned. She played "poor me" like she was singing the death aria from La Traviata all so Dad could be the villain.

I didn't say we were poor. I

I didn't say we were poor. I said that there were times when my kids wanted something or do something expensive and I had to flat out say....this broke down and we just have to be careful with money for a few weeks until we can get back on budget. It actually taught them a very valuable lesson.

No, she didn't make Dad the villain, he did when he said 'Nope, not buying bc I already gave my money this month.'

Sorry, I didn't take it that

Sorry, I didn't take it that you were poor. I was just using my husband's family as an example of how other parents handle being short of cash. They don't have to let the kids know and my in laws didn't.

It's ok if you want your kids to know about running a household. That's one thing.

But I have had too much experience with people like the bm in this case and I believe she moaned to the kid deliberately to make herself look like a victim not to teach him about budgeting or running a household. If she had been trying to teach him something she would have sent him to the neighbor's to ask if he could pull weeds or other chore to earn his shirt (only 8 bucks) or taught him to say "We're working on it!" when asked at the ceremony about it or any of a number of other ways to actually teach him something constructive.

Instead she taught him nothing but "dad is mean." She didn't even teach him not to poke holes in the tops of his shoes. If she's all that worried about teaching him to budget, she could have taught him that at least.

A 10 year old should be able to earn 8 bucks from somewhere, even if mom can't. The piles of evidence are way too stacked to the ceiling for mom to be innocent here. Furthermore, why wasn't she even embarrassed at the ceremony? If she was just broke, she would have been. But she was basking in all the "sympathy." It's because she planned it all out exactly like that.

The dh was not trying to save himself a buck. He was trying to save himself and his household from getting sucked into the black hole that he knows bm is.

Someone else found it at DI

Someone else found it at DI for $1. It could be had somewhere somehow for a small effort for very little money.

Oh I know too well the BM

Oh I know too well the BM game. I don't see where she taught him Dad is mean. She told the kid that 2 expensive repairs were needed...and yes, I agree that BM should've told DH.

And her not being embarrassed at the ceremony is explainable. She has a legitimate excuse to complete strangers why she is broke...hot water tank and blown up engine. Many adults can relate to this happening to them and sympathize with her plight.

Compare to Dad won't buy me one bc he already paid his CS this month but he bought the SDs new shoes. The shoes are very important to SS right now.

BM could be lying but the crowd will sympathize with $1000 worth of repairs for Mom vs stingy Dad.

Now if Dad just bought the shirt, then the kid looks up to the man that had his back for the ceremony.

"I would have your DH have a

"I would have your DH have a talk with his stepdad about butting out of family situations."

But here is where it gets sticky. From OP's explanation, DH and his stepdad had a great relationship. So, imagine all of us SM's who think we have a great relationship in our blended families. We did a great job, the kids are now adults and our stepkid basically tells us that.. NOPE.. you don't have a right to interact with our family business???

I'm guessing that her DH's stepdad did a lot for her husband. He treated him "like one of his own". He probably played ball with him, drove him to activities and paid for things, even though it wasn't his responsibility to do so.

So, when he sees a guy not willing to step up and do something for his own son, it rubs him a bit the wrong way.

What DHSF doesn't necessarily see is that DH has his guard up because BM has pushed thing off on her EX before. And he doesn't have all the full details of other stuff too.

But in the end, what the world sees is a kid put in a tough situation. To what lengths does dad have his kid "suffer" to prove a point to his EX.

Yeah, I know that not having a shirt isn't the same thing as food.. but still.

And SF stepped up and did

And SF stepped up and did what was right bc the bioDad was a POS.

This is why kids need to be

This is why kids need to be kept abreast of the facts of their situation in an age appropriate manner beginning as early as is reasonable.

My Skid knew when his SpermClan was lying and manipulating because he knew the facts. He knew the CO and he knew their history and ours. Even when they would cry poor he knew that the problem was them and only them. When they cried about how paying CS on him was taking food out of the mouths of his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas he knew that they were paying CS to those two baby mamas even though all three of the younger half sibs were being raised by SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa in their home with no help from the SpermIdiot. He had no problem setting his SpermClan straight on the facts rather than accepting their self delusional crap at face value.

This is also why it is a good idea to keep extended family abreast of the facts, the CO, any supplemental rules that are in play in the jurisdiction where the CO was issued, and abreast of anything and everything that the blended family opposition (in this case the BM) is doing with focus on their manipulations, guilt tripping, and puppeteering of the Skids.

My own mom had a bit of the perspective that your SFIL has for a while during portions of our blended family journey. She could not imagine a grandmother being as evil and manipulative as the SpermGrandHag was. So..... on a couple of occasions when we were with my parents and got a call from SpermGrandHag we would put the phone on speaker and muted it so my mom could hear the SpermGrandHag's vitriolic rants. My mom was shocked and even once took the phone off of mute and ripped the Hag a new asshole. Go Mom!!!!!! }:)

I know that the thought of making the management of a toxic blended family opposition a full time job seems daunting but I have found that it is absolutely the most effective way to counter the manipulative crap spewed by an unreasonable opposition.

I suggest that your DH grab the Custody/Visitation/Support file and take his dad (StepDad) out to lunch and get him up to speed on the full meal deal situation. Review the facts, review the history, and give the scoop on BM and her Skid activity manipulations. As a StepDad his dad should grasp the situation fairly quickly. I also recommend that DH use his dad as a mentor on navigating the minefield of blended family existence since his dad has been there and done that.

In a contentious blended family situation I find that the best defense is a good offense and the goal has to be consistent confrontation of bullshit and destruction of an unreasonable blended family opposition. This includes setting a good example of trustworthiness and character for the kids involved. Kids are smart. They will know who is full of shit and who is trustworthy in reasonably short order if they are informed of the facts.

Good luck to you and your DH in all of this.

~slow applause~

You got the title

You got the title wrong.....DH humiliated himself last nite.

My DSO has 100% of SD. He pays and does everything for her. SD really wanted to do band, which is very expensive in our high school. He knows BM won't help, he knows its up to him to use his tax refund and work overtime to pay for the yearly trip. He doesn't tell SD how hard it is on him to come up with the money and the money to run her every nite and buy what they are selling.

Its called being a parent and putting the kid first once in awhile so they aren't embarrassed that they aren't like their friends...or other scouts.

Yep. CS is not meant to

Yep. CS is not meant to cover everything it is meant only to represent the NCPs portion of the responsibility to provide for everything. The CP is responsible for anything and everything beyond CS or any other specific elements assigned to the NCP.

I am married to the CP in our blended family and even for me that fact became very clear early in our journey and was confirmed a number of years later when we requested clarification from the court on the NCP participating in the cost of extracurricular activities for the Skid. As the Judge said "That is included in child support." End of discussion. I had clarity.

This is why the facts must be

This is why the facts must be kept to the forefront and the Skid and extended family need to be fully aware of those facts. The only way to box BM in is to surround her with the facts of her crap so anyone and everyone knows her for what and who she is.

I am agreeing with you. I

I am agreeing with you. I really have a problem with the Dad just saying...Nope, I gave already this month. Instead of maybe just having a convo with the kid or the BM.

My DSO refuses to talk to BM, so I'm not commenting on that.

Exactly. A judge ordered FDH

Exactly.

A judge ordered FDH and BM not to make unilateral decisions about extra-curricular activities, but BM still signs up SD for stuff without his knowledge and then expects him to pay. A few of the activities SD didn't even want to do.

FDH pays anyway. What is he going to do, spend even more to take her to court to stop this? He won't let SD go without something she needs for sports, etc.

I would rather pay the CS and

I would rather pay the CS and then pay for extras.

This isn't about enrolling the kid in an activity. Obviously Dad had been doing this for a long time for there to be a cross over ceremony. It was up to Dad to stop it a long time ago or suck it up.

Except dad wasn't doing it.

Except dad wasn't doing it. BM was. Dad declined to participate from the beginning opting for karate on his own days instead.

So you are saying that the

So you are saying that the NCP should dictate where the CS should go?

It should go for a shirt and not, lets say, a hot water tank so the kid has hot water to take a shower?

"So you are saying that the

"So you are saying that the NCP should dictate where the CS should go?"

That would be a great start. Ideally it should be 50/50 with NO CS changing hands. Once there's a divorce/break up, each adult is responsible for their own living. You want to be a SAHM? Fine as long as you're married; once divorced, all bets are off.

It should be the PARENT'S job to provide for the house mechanicals. Why is that CS should cover the CP's mortgage, car payment, house mechanicals, and everything else under the sun, etc. etc.?

Shouldn't the CP be contributing 50% of the expenses of the child and provide for their own lodging, etc?

Ex: (these are rough numbers--I don't want to hear "oh rent/mortgage is much HIGHER in my area) Rent for a 2 bedroom apt is let's say $700; Rent for a 3 bedroom apt is $900. the extra bedroom is for the child. So it should be 900-700 divided by 2. CS housing allowance should be $100 for the month and so forth. Same thing with grocery bill and anything child related.

I'm not so sure that the

I'm not so sure that the issue in this case is affordability on the part of the father. It sounds like mom got in a tight place (supposedly).

It sounds like this denying of the shirt was more because of past issues with the BM, not because dad couldn't afford a shirt.

Dad could've drawn a line in

Dad could've drawn a line in the sand on another issue, or when scouts started, not at an important time for the kid.

dup

My friend, as I recall from

My friend, as I recall from the original post, he did draw the line when scouts started. Perhaps I read that wrong?

No he didn't. OP said DH

No he didn't. OP said DH wanted to do a Father/Son thing.

He had to do scouts for many months to graduate up to the higher level, so he could have stopped it months ago.

Honestly, I wouldn't either

Honestly, I wouldn't either and I warned DSO how expensive band at our school is.

This was shortly after the kids were taken from BM, DSO didn't want his kids to feel that were different. SD is 16 now is applying for jobs to help DSO with paying her own way, so she is a good kid.

I just wish the multiple

I just wish the multiple adults in this scenario could have figured out a way to get this kid a shirt for his ceremony instead of fighting over why no one did after the fact.

^^Yes. If the BM had told the

^^Yes. If the BM had told the DH that she was in a financial pinch due to the car/water heater issues and asked if, just once, he could buy the shirt and she would reimburse him...

Instead, BM dropped all of this BS on a 10yo's head and made an enormous issue when there could have been none.

Yup. Yup. Yup. There were

Yup. Yup. Yup.

There were several different ways bm could have made this a non-issue and made the ceremony drama-free.

But that wouldn't suit her purposes.

Just found a boy scout shirt

Just found a boy scout shirt on e-bay for 9 bucks. http://www.ebay.com/itm/Used-BSA-BOY-SCOUTS-OF-AMERICA-Uniform-shirts-ME... And there's another one for 8. That's in less than 10 seconds of looking.

Kid probably had that much in his piggy bank or bm in her couches. She deliberately made sure he didn't have the green shirt.

Dad could have done the same

Dad could have done the same thing.

OK, bm could have bought the

OK, bm could have bought the karate outfit.

I can't imagine that he

I can't imagine that he wouldn't have if the BM told him she couldn't, and wasn't going to, get it.

Who would want their kid to be completely singled out and embarrassed?

'Love your kids more than you hate each other.'

You see, that's exactly the

You see, that's exactly the thing and you're so right. BM did not notify dad of any of this because she wanted the drama at the ceremony. Sacrificed the boy to get at dad.

Yup yup yup! Couldn't agree

Yup yup yup! Couldn't agree more.

Mom is the one who initially knew that the shirt was needed. She figured out that she could both cry poor mouth AND humiliate dad, too.

Asshat used to tell the kids "that's what child support is for." Made me livid. And, he wouldn't spend one more dime than what he paid in CS. Dude was making millions a year and literally would not take Thing2 to the store on his time to get a .99 compass the kid needed for his math class.

Nope - wouldn't do it. "That's what child support is for." Thing2 called me to ask if I could go buy one and bring it over to Asshat's house. true story.

HOw do you know Mom knew?

HOw do you know Mom knew? Scouts was a Father/Son thing.

The Father totally knew also.

We know that mom knew because

We know that mom knew because OP put it on her original post.

"Well bm signed ss up for

"Well bm signed ss up for cubscouts. Dh really wanted to be a part of that as a father and son thing but he knew bm would just dump it all on him so dh hasn't participated. It was a hard decision for him to make but he knew what bm is like."

From the op ^^^^

I'll repeat the relevant bits: "...so dh hasn't participated/It was a hard decision..."

Well hell, I missed that and

Well hell, I missed that and it kills my arguement.

Reading is fundamental.

If DH didn't participate, why was he at the ceremony then.

since Mom is the one who

since Mom is the one who signed up the skid, it's a pretty safe bet she knew about it.

"BM did not notify dad of any

"BM did not notify dad of any of this because she wanted the drama at the ceremony. Sacrificed the boy to get at dad."

OR, BM knew dad would say you get CS and I'm not giving you a penny more. You signed him up, you figure it out.
So why bother talking to him about it.
He didn't get involved with Scouts at all, the only reason they were there was because SS asked him to come.
Maybe she didn't notify him because she Didn't want any drama?

My exH complained all the time about how poor he was, how CS should cover everything. I stopped telling him what the kids needed because it wasn't worth the bs. I would either get it for them myself or tell them they had to wait because we couldn't afford it right now.

I don't think BM coached SS, he would know that the water heater went and the car is broken down. He's 10, not 2. She told him the truth, she can't afford it right now. Maybe she did tell him that he'd get a shirt as soon she could afford it?

I guess BM couldn't forgo a

I guess BM couldn't forgo a few items from the grocery store that week in order to buy a damn shirt...

Your husband got played. I'd

Your husband got played. I'd be wondering why his own step dad was such a jerk too. And what would have happened if something came up and he wasn't able to make it? He would have been blamed in absentia?

So right. There was a

So right. There was a divorced mom in an autism group we were in. She cried at every meeting. Made everyone comfort her and praise her. Made little digs about the dad.

The kids were beginning to have playdates with each other. She sucked all the oxygen out of one meeting bemoaning that she couldn't have a play date at her house "cuz it's only 1500 sqf." And the way she was saying it was "you know this is the boy's father's fault." Of course we all assured her the house was fine, do not worry, etc. (attention hound)

Then the dad brought the boy to one of the birthday parties instead of the mom. He was a perfectly normal guy with proper social skills (not airing his laundry at a kids gathering). I knew what that mom was up to. She wanted to be my "best friend" but I lost her number before I was out of the parking lot.

When Medusa had custody, she

When Medusa had custody, she used to tell anyone and everyone that DH was an "absentee father" and a "deadbeat" who "didn't care about his kids."

Imagine everyone's surprise when DH would drop the kids off at a birthday party, or email with a teacher or attend a parent teacher conference?

DH told me that the first time he went to a parent teacher conference after he left (ASS was 9, KK was 7 and BV was 5), ASS's teacher, who knew who DH was, told him that Medusa sent an email to the teachers saying that DH "had taken off with some whore in the middle of the night" and that she "hadn't heard from him in ages."

These broads, I am telling ya!

Exactly. Like the same exact

Exactly. Like the same exact movie.

HAhaha!! WOB, you're a

HAhaha!! WOB, you're a whore, and, your condo sucks!

Oh no, while my condo indeed

Oh no, while my condo indeed sucked according to Medusa, I wasn't the whore to which she was referring. In fact, there WAS no whore, except for her

DH left her in 2007. He and I didn't reconnect until 2009. But yeah, she ran around telling anyone who would listen that I broke up her marriage. Uh, okay then, psycho!

OP did say that, but Dad told

OP did say that, but Dad told the kid that was his mom's job. Nowhere does it say kid said mom couldn't.

The kid could have told dad mom couldn't afford it because of xyz...then dad might have bought it.

Dad didn't have all the information. As far as he was concerned, it was mom's job to buy the shirt. Kid asked dad because kid was with dad. That's what kids do. Dad likely figured mom would get it done, as agreed upon... but she didn't, and he was caught with his pants down.

'Dad is supposed to come to

'Dad is supposed to come to the rescue because of BM is a crappy mother.'

Ummmm, yeah.

'Dad is supposed to come to

'Dad is supposed to come to the rescue because of BM is a crappy mother.'

Ummmm, yeah.

Yes, dad has that cape in the

Yes, dad has that cape in the closet, ready at a moment's notice to save the day, no matter what.

I often wonder, though, wouldn't they be doing the same thing, if the originating parents had stayed together?

You are correct. Sorry son,

You are correct.

Sorry son, your Mom is a POS but I still knocked her up but that's your problem now as I can't do a thing for you after I have sent in my monthly payment.

This is a story of someone

This is a story of someone could have stepped up and did the right thing and been the hero :-)Either Mom or Dad. They both had the opportunity to do it and neither of them did it. Both to blame imo.

BM should have talked to the

BM should have talked to the dad and tried to get it worked out so that they could have gotten the shirt.

Then this post would have

Then this post would have been "Why do these BMs always expect more!"

"BM called last night saying SS has to have a scout shirt! That her car broke down and her hot water tank blew up and she can't afford it. Why can't these women learn to take care of themselves, get a life and leave my husband alone!
She's the one who got him into scouts, DH wants nothing to do with it.
Why does she think DH should pay for something she got SS into.
Gawd! These women!"

My husband still remembers

My husband still remembers not having the right uniform when all the other kids did. He still remembers this and he is in his 50's. It was embarrassing. In his case because his family was poor.

Yep - that all sounds VERY

Yep - that all sounds VERY familiar!

Obviously, not getting shoes

Obviously, not getting shoes is staying on his mind so I'm sure this will also.

That would depend on where

That would depend on where you live. In our small town, we have to go to the Scout store to buy the shirts unless you know someone that has moved up.

Ours was a hardware store

Ours was a hardware store years ago LOL. Gson7 just got into scouts and I don't remember alot from when DS was in them years ago.

But if DS and DIL don't buy him the damn shirt, I'll flip out.

The kid is 10! He told dad he

The kid is 10!
He told dad he needed a shirt, maybe he did say Mom won't, (OP didn't give a verbatim of the conversation) but it's obvious that if he's asking no one else is buying one.

I find it nuts that people are saying BM should have called and told him what the situation was. When BM calls it turns into a nightmare and most SMs hate BM calling asking for anything, money, change of times, anything!

Well, there's probably enough

Well, there's probably enough blame to go around, neither parent really cared about getting him the shirt. I wonder if the kid let them know that it was for the ceremony?

As far as the kid yelling his parents' business for all to hear, that would be embarrassing and I would have a talk with him about that. I don't know why the step dad kept asking SS questions and letting it continue, instead of asking his step son what was going on and giving him a chance to explain.

Sounds like the boy was the

Sounds like the boy was the only one really humiliated. The boy did ask his father to buy his shirt and was told NO. Did it ever occur to the Dad WHY the boy asked for a shirt? Dad knew his son was being promoted and there was a celebration event to take place. It would seem like the Mother would call the father and explain her situation and could come to some solution about the shirt. Poor kid.

I could have written this

I could have written this word for word. The Girhippo would constantly pull the same stunt despite her massive whopping piles of CS that she got from Chef. The PAS was ever present and one time, OSS, age 10, screamed out in front of the entire wrestling intramurals in the giant gym to Chef: "I HATE YOU!!" and turned purple with his flaming red hair and his school wrestling orange uniform that looked like the Michelin man stuffed into Borat-esque speedo.

This was the result of Chef, who won wrestling awards in school, trying to give OSS a little advice.
You could have heard your socks drop. The Girhippo was smirking the entire time. PAS mission complete!

You are here

SS HUMILIATED dh last night

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