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Finding it all too much.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Recently I have realised that I am pulling away from my SO. Its not that I no longer love him, I do, and I still want to make our relationship work. But I am realising more and more that if I stay with him I will be stuck with his whiney little brat kids and their mental, also whiney little brat of a mother!!!

We are taking the SKIDS swimming with my daughter this sat to celebrate SD's 8th birthday. I am dreading it. I spoke to my SO on the phone last sat while he had the SKIDS at his house and all I could hear in the background was SS5 crying and shouting at his dad calling him and idiot! The last time we went out, we took them to a table top sale and brought them a few little things and SS5 cried the whole way round because its not what he wanted to do!!! Its embaracing because while were out people assume that all the kids are mine and my daughter 8 just doesnt behave this way. If you tell her no, she accepts it and moves on. If you tell the SKIDS no you get an hour of screaming, crying, kicking, fighting....

Its driving me INSANE!!!!!! I just cant stand those SKIDS!!!! They reprisent to me EVERYTING I cant stand about children!

I am worrying ofcourse about taking them swimming incase they try to drown each other in the pool or something - now if they want to do that, that is fine, but preferabley NOT when they are with me!

The other thing is that I have brought a dress for SD8 for her birthday. Her mother always puts her in grubby clothes that look stupid and like they have seen better days. SD is really girly, and loves dresses so I thought it would be perfect. But I dare say that BM will bin it, or take it back and pocket the money.

SD is also quite skinny and under nourished (although still within the weight range to prevent the DR from doing anything) So quite often the things that my daughter has grown out of will fit SD even though they are the same age. I gave her a coat and some shoes. They both fit perfect and the SKIDS coats are always FILTHY (unless SO washes / drys them) and SO always makes the excuse that they only have one coat each so when can they get washed by BM? - So I gave SD a coat for spring. It looked smart on her and fit nicely. I told her that now she has a spare so mum can wash her one... Also BM was making her squeeze into a pair of wellies that she has had for nearly 18 months. I gave her a pair of trainers. I used to be a childrens shoe fitter while I was at college and so I knew that the shoes fit her nicely. But BM gave them back saying that they are too big!! ...So now shes still trying to squeeze into these stupid wellies and wearing a grubby winter coat even on hot days. Which is ironic, because sometimes BM doesnt bother to give them coats or jumpers on winter days!!

As for SS5 on the clothing, the soles of his shoes were falling off before BM replaced them & his other shoes have broken laces, and while SD wears clothes that look like charity shop rejects, SS is always dressed in a smart shirt and trousers! ... Like hes going to a party! Its really odd!

Anyway. The fact that she cant dress her children properley and then returns good quality clothes, as well as this imminent swimming trip (or just the fact that i'll be lumbered with the little brats ALL DAY) this weekend has kinda pushed me over the edge...and ive not even mentioned the kleptomania that seems to appear every time SD is around!

I am now feeling that there is a rift between myself and my partner. I am not sure how much more of his shit I can take and I really dont want my relationship to fail but I am also REALLY struggling here to not let his baggage affect our otherwise wonderful relationship. AAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Rant over. Thanks for "listening"

Comments

Ava999's picture

I completely understand your situation and the complete and utter frustration of having no control over your own life. I would love to step in and help resolve all the issues with my boyfriends son & ex wife who is currently in a mental institution after trying to commit suicide. The pain and hurt we have all experienced over the past few weeks is unbearable. Even though our relationship was the best I have ever experienced, once they get involved, it becomes unbearable. I feel like I was at a crossroads yesterday and feel the only decision I have is to wait away.

She insists on the hospital calling my bf to collect her this weekend when she was out on an overnight to her home. Their son is completely out of control and demanding and doesn't like when I am around as he doesn't get his own way. I have done nothing but be kind, patient and considerate but I get nothing back in return. I feel she is trying to sabotage our happiness.

We were planning our own baby until 6 or 7 weeks ago when all this crap started, to be honest, it has always been there in one form or another since we were involved a year ago. I don't want to loose my bf as I am not sure I will love someone else like I do him. We are both gutted & devastated at the way this is all working out but mental illness is a horrible disease that hurts everyone in its path.

I spoke to my bf last night and he said he has no strength left to sort this mess anymore and I don't understand why he won't fight for us. He said he has tried everything since she got sick 7 years ago when their son was 2. She doesn't want him but won't let him go either.

Their child has special needs made worse by the horrible set of circumstances.

The only thing you can do is keep together and try and protect yourselves but its hard to do. I have been attending counselling over the past few weeks to help me deal with everything and that could help you. Like you, I have been brought up to respect and care for people around me and its all alien that human beings could treat each other like this.

I wish you lots of luck x x

Disneyfan's picture

Dad should purchase clothes and shoes to keep at his house.

If his daughter's coat is dirty, why doesn't he wash it?

There aren't many SMs or BMs that will accept used clothes from one another. No matter how nice the items may be, neither woman would want the other's kid's hand me downs.

Do you have to the SKs swimming? How about having daughter invite a few friends instead.

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

I totally get where you are coming from. Immediately after SO has skids for a weekend I dread it as soon as they leave that they will be back in just 2 short weeks. Luckily they don't come to my place all that often, once in a blue moon but it doesn't mean that I don't see their bratty whiny asses, I still have to hear about it and usually have to see them at some point over the weekend, my anxieties triple when that happens, either that I have to listen to how they are frustrating their father and driving him crazy. It puts a strain on things big time and I find myself irritated more when these weekends arrive, then in turn SO and I argue more then usual. Sigh.....

Willow2010's picture

Do not move in with him if you are not already. I met my DH when SS was 8. I saw all the issues you are seeing. (And they get worse).

DH asked me to marry him about a year after we met. (We did not live together). I told him as soon as his kid and my kids graduated high school, then we could live together and marry. I would not and could not take the drama of his life. (SS and BM).

Well..that lasted about 8 years, then we married. I agreed to marry him because SS and BM moved several hours away. I guess BM could not handle the fact that DH was in a stress free life and had SS move in with us full time about 4-6 months after we married. Yay for me!

I only had two years full time so it was not too bad. Don’t get me wrong, it was crazy, but I had it easy compared to many on this site.

So my advice is…if you really want to stay with your SO, just live separate. It was actually great for us. He raised SS the way he wanted to and I raised my kids right. LOL

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Hi thanks for all the comments! It really does help to know that other people understand where I am coming from. Smile

As for the coats, SO does wash and dry them when they are with him if he has them all day on a saturday. They are not allowed over night stays with him (BM is a bitch) so generally with clothes buying they wear what they arrive in. SO has brought them new stuff in the past, but it is never seen again usually. If the SKIDS kick up a fuss if they particulary like something, then they sometimes they get to keep it. But generally its binned more or less as soon as it gets through the door. Or as with recent items, new or used, it gets sent back.

And yes, BM is lazy and basically cant be bothered to care for her own children properly.

Such a sad situation.

beyond pissed-off's picture

Just a warning from my point of view - that "slight distancing" only grows. Watching him humble himself in front of a woman he hates and his own children, is something you can only take for so long. I am at the point now where I watch my FH turn himself inside out for his ex and the kids but, while I am going through the single worst period of my life (long story) he is focused so strongly on them that his attention to me is sporadic at best. I can not hold his attention for love nor money.

I even confided in him last week that I was feeling suicidal. The doctor has me on enough pills that I can barely thinks straight. But what is going on with him is still more important and he thinks nothing of being angry with me when I tell him that what he is doing hurts me.

I changed my whole life for him but when I need him desperately he is no longer the kind generous loving man I promised to spend my life with. He has been ruined by the years of strife with the ex and the kids and does not see that what he has left for me is a shadow of what he used to shower me with. My life is over. Don't let this happen to you.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Wow. It sounds as though youve really got a lot on your plate right now. I really hope you come through what ever it is that you are going through and that he steps up to the plate for you.

I have been lucky so far in that SO does listen to my woes and has changed things when they have needed sorting.

But I know exactly where you are coming from when it comes to him doing stuff for BM that is not needed. Thank fully he has stoped doing all that sort of thing now, like doing her shopping, giving her extra money on demand, and odd jobs about the house for her.... So she has now turned it around and said he is no longer allowed in the house... Fair enough I prefer him not being there anyway lol

But I do hope that he continues to listen to me. That is something that only time will tell I guess.

Thanks for the warning Smile