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Am I being unfair? Advice needed please ...

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

The back story is that FDH and I were planning to move in together at the begining of this year. We ended up putting it on hold because my daughter was diagnosed with learning disabilities and her school is currently investigating to see if she can get extra aid to boost her learning (a statement of special educational needs). This process takes around 6months. Once she has this I can change schools and she will bring it with her, but if I change her school before, they will have to start again and it could take a lot longer than 6 months because the new school would have to start from scratch assessing her needs etc.

This, while frustrating because we want to move, turned out to actually be a blessing because we have had more time to save up some money and sort out our lives ready to move.

HOWEVER... yesterday FDH got a call from his landlord saying that they want the house back and so he has until 1st August to move out.

We have decided that we might as well find a place together, but I will stay where I am and move in when the statement comes through. My daughter and I will stay in "our" house at weekends etc in the mean time.

Sounds all straight forward. But he said that he wants to start having the SKIDS stay over night at weekends, and if we are close enough to their school, some week nights too. Up until now hes not been able to have them over night because BM wouldnt allow them to sleep over in his house share. She has said that once we move in together they will be allowed over night stays.

She is notoriously changable and so may not stick to this agreement, so I want it in writing and fully agreed and a routine decided between all of us as to how often they should stay etc. I said to him that I think that until my daughter and I move in perminantly, he should stick to the routine they are already in. Partly because I want a say in how often they can stay and I dont want them to think its just their dads house - it will be OUR family home, and also because we need to get settled, unpacked, and sort out their sleeping arrangements too before changing their (and our) whole routine around.

He said that as he's not had a whole 24 hours with them for over two years, he is not happy about what I have said and he wants to have them for overnights as soon as he's in the house.

I think that what I am saying makes sense and is sensible, but then I can say that as I have no emotional attachment to these children and I've never been separated from my child to know how he feels about this.

Am I being unfair? Or should I stick to my guns on this one?? I really want this all to be done properly, and organised not a shambles of boxes and brats running around!!!

Opinions please !!! Thank you x


Disneyfan's picture

Have him to take BM to court and have the courts set up visits.

Trying to control when he can have his kids over may cause him to resent your daughter.

overworkedmom's picture

I-m so happy Yep. Do this. Have it ordered and give yourselves a couple of weeks to get organized and settled.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

They were sorting it out through mediation, but she then quit going. He's currently waiting to hear back from the mediators as he's requested to start it up again. But i dare say it will end up in court before long. When that happens we are going for custody. So defo need to be settled in suitable accommodation then.

overworkedmom's picture

Are you ok with that? Getting custody is a big deal and if you are awarded it you lives are going to change drastically. Especially since you haven't had a chance to bond and your FDH hasn't even had them overnight for 2 years.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Well im happier with that than leaving them to get beaten up by their psycho mother... it will be tough but necessary. Plus they will have had a few over nights (in theory) before we get to that point.

Disneyfan's picture

Wait a minute. If they are being abused why are they with their mom?

If they are being abused, they need to be with dad NOW. Waiting for everyone to adjust in order to avoid the his house our house battle isn't an option.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Because social services in the UK are a joke as are fathers rights. She has been reported. They gave her a phonecall and that was it. she has, in fairness been stable for the past 2-3 months though. We've been told to take photos of any bruising and report her again which we will do as and when she losses the plot again. But its no fun waiting for the kids to get hit so we have physical proof. We tried to get her to agree to let the kids have mediation / counseling in the hope that they might report her to another adult who is duty bound to contact social services, but BM wouldn't give consent and we apparently need both parents consent to do it.
So the short story is, BM holds all the cards and we need her agreement in writing to do ANYTHING because otherwise when she blows her top she stops fdh from seeing the kids and we've got no comeback on it. Another reason why i don't want to mess about with the current status quo