Not my circus. Not my monkeys. I am not a doormat...not anymore.
It was a long rode to get here.
Along with not trying too hard and making time for myself in general, along with asserting my place in the household, I finally told SO two weeks ago that is it not okay to say "yes" to BM about taking SD(8), on weeks or days that aren't ours, without asking me first. I'm the one who takes care of her 99.9% of the time so it's not us taking her anymore its ME. I told him it was unfair to say yes, just expecting me to take care of her when I'm sick, have plans, or maybe I just don't want to. That if I'm really such an important member of this family, than my input matters. It's not fair to expect that of me and do this to me. Not anymore. I'm done.
He agreed even though it was a bit of an argument at first.
So I have plans Saturday with some of my girl friends and SO asks about SD. I remind him frustrated that I told him about these plans just days ago. He gets a little snippy and tells me that this is him just asking me to double check what my plans are and to in general ask if it's okay, like I requested. Fair enough. I tell him the same thing. I will not be home the entire night (it's a girl party so I'm staying over) so he needs to figure it out himself if he says yes to BM (because he works that night). He wasn't thrilled and was a bit snippy about the whole thing but he figured out other care for her and everything is fine.
No longer will BM dump SD on me, BM will be dumping SD on HIM because what I am NOT is a babysitter.
I love my SD but at the end of the day, the mess between the three of them (BM, SD, SO) is something I have now given up on trying to change. What I can and have changed though is letting their mess bleed over into my life. I have my life with them but I have my own life too and I will not be a doormat.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys.
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Good job!
Right ON! Very proud of you.
Stand strong and use the "Broken Record Technique." Those of us old enough to remember listening to vinyl record albums on a turntable know that when the record got scratched, the scratch would make the needle jump over into the same groove, thereby repeating the same music (and/or lyric) segment over and over and over until you manually lifted the needle off the record. In therapy, I learned the Broken Record Technique and it has proven to be very effective, especially with those who are trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.
Him: But you'll be home and I have to work...
You: I am not available to babysit.
Him: I already told BM we'd watch skids...
You: I am not available to babysit.
Him: I bought you that nice gift last month...
You: I am not available to babysit.
Him: You hate my kid(s)!
You: I am not available to babysit.
Him: It's just this once, special circumstances, bla bla bla...
You: I am not available to babysit.
... and so on. It exposes the manipulator and prevents them from goading you into arguing, which only gives the manipulator control of the situation. FYI.
“Him: I already told BM we'd watch skids...”
this is where i’d say “you agreed without consulting me that you’d take the kids and palm off to me to watch. In future something we consider requires the consulting and acceptance of both of us. When you failed to do this it became you accepted so you care for!!
“Him: But you'll be home and I have to work...”
actually i told you that i wasn’t going to be home because i was meeting out with my friends which I haven’t done in ages. Your kid has 2 parents who have responsibilities to care for her, not palm off to their partners.
if he says well you hate my kids, this is when i hit back with “well obviously you don’t care enough for them if you are accepting them without wanting or being capable to physically care for them...
I make hubby feel the guilt when he hasn’t consulted me or respected me by being decent and lay it all on him instead of guilting me into things
Proud of you
After a few times of your DH Being in a spot, he actually has to handle, just not making it your problem. He will not be saying OK to BM that fast anymore
Good for you, and I bet, like
Good for you, and I bet, like Harry said, he suddenly finds the ability to say NO when it inconveniences HIM to have SD on extra days.
Your husband will try guilting you
And like you said had told him few days ago of your plans only for him to ask you check again if you’re available. He’s thinking maybe if i ask enough times then she’ll cave in. No means no, plans mean plans and you are firmly unavailable
i had told my hubby i would not waste 8 hours on a weekend playing taxi/doormat and the ignored wife and our kids ignored while his 3 kids with ex played happy family eating out. It wasn’t quality time and hubby was sacrificing limited quality time he could spend with our toddlers for his rude selfish kids with ex
About a month later whilst starting to get intimate with him, he asks me if i want to go out this weekend with his kids for the usual lunch in a fancy restaurant. NOOOOOOOOOO was all that came out.
Afterwards i lost it with him because in that moment i felt he had no respect for me because he had been planning this meet up for weeks during our family time and other important stuff needing to be done like immunisations but agreed to meets then blindside me expecting i make myself available. Hubby was firmly put in his place and i have refused to attend family events his daughters will be at because of the way we’re treated
It's really pretty simple, if
It's really pretty simple, if he has to work, he tells BM, no, he cannot take her. Or, he can only have her until he goes to work, or he finds other arrangements when he goes to work. Why do you have to be involved, at all? Why are you taking care of his daughter 99.9% of the time that she is there?
My work makes me able to take her most of the time.
and I don't mind. I like having her around. Taking care of her is pretty easy for the most part. I put myself in the position willingly, mostly because SO didnt work such long hours like he does now. It was more 50/50 most days. Now it's like 10/90 and I have a ton of girl friends now who I regularly make plans with soooo I put my foot down.
What I do mind is letting BM use me like BM uses SO. The fact that SO always just expected me to take her whenever they wanted me to (yet he wouldn't even be home), super last minute especially, when I'm sick, whatever, without ever asking me how I felt about it or if it was okay. Like I said, I put my foot down. I don't mind being asked in advance, even a few *days* in advance, or told about it maybe a week in advance, but this "hey so tomorrow SD is coming over" "Friday SD will be here" is a no more. "Hey is it okay if - -" is my new favorite phrase. Haha
What I do mind is letting BM
What I do mind is letting BM use me like BM uses SO. The fact that SO always just expected me to take her whenever they wanted me to (yet he wouldn't even be home)...without ever asking me how I felt about it or if it was okay.
But, it's your SO who has been using you.
Good for you for finally putting your foot down. You are going to have to really stick to your guns, it will be easy for him to fall back into seeing you as the babysitter/doormat. He may humor you for a bit, but he is hoping that it will eventually just go back to the way it was. DON'T let it.
Good for you!
Good for you!
"He agreed even though it was a bit of an argument at first." This always floors me. What must go through men's minds that they actually think it's rational to get mad and argue when someone requests to be ASKED before accepting the responsibility of watching THEIR kid. It's a common theme, so it's not just your DH obviously, but it blows my mind every time I read it.
Also, just to clarify, your SO told BM he would take SD when it wasn't his night, even though he had to work and you wouldn't be home...? And then HE had to find alternate care for her? WHY? Is he incapable of saying no?
The full context of that situation is a little different.
SD wanted to see us this weekend but wanted to come Friday specifically. SO asked if it was alright and I told him that I will gone the entire day and night so it's a no from me. Regardless of whether its BM or SD technically asking, I am not a babysitter. His mother wanted to spend time with her so he decided to drop her off there until he gets off work. Any plan that doesnt involve screwing with my life is a plan that I enjoy so more power to him. lol He says no a decent amount of the time but when he says yes and I'm the one taking care of her, I need to be asked.
Woo hoo - you go, girl!!!
Woo hoo - you go, girl!!! Take back your personal life!
I realize you love your SD, but (IMO) it is WRONG for SO and BM to simply ASSume that it's okay to make you their own personal babysitter. Crock of shizzit. If they cannot watch THEIR child, they need to HIRE a babysitter. Even if that means PAYING YOU.
You go GF! Stick to your
You go GF! Stick to your boundaries, if you don't teach your BF how to treat you now it would be harder to once married.
I went through this...
I HATED that I had/have no input on the schedule. Like I dont matter in this whole thing because I am not the parent. I too, love my SD, Munchkin, and we have always just went out and had adventures, while BM did her thing or then-SO went fishing. This is when she was less independent at around 8-9.
But I would still get in there and always HAD to ask "so whats up with the schedule?" When things first started on a regular schedule and not "when Toxic Troll wanted some company because she was all alone poor baby, and didnt have a date" it was 2 days on/2 days off. This was back when Toxic Feral was added to the mix. It drove both kids and ME absolutely crazy.
Then the KIDS decided they wanted 5 days on/5 days off. I was not consulted. I was just the "live in girlfriend".
Now, it is ME who keeps the schedule and knows the schedule, who reminds everyone of the schedule. We dont "trade days" either. Or restart the cycle. Thats ridiculous. I also have insisted that I do not provide childcare at a whim, he needs to make adjustments and plans himself. If I dont have plans then fine - I'll be at the house, and if Im cooking for myself I add her to the mix. Not a problem.
Good for you! I need to make more plans with GF's for myself, too. Stay strong, and remind him that although you love SD dearly, she has 2 parents already and you arent one of them
Good for you! You've got your
Good for you! You've got your mind in the right space now.
Hold firm, and keep retraining your H. Just like a kid, a dog, or a horse they require consistent boundaries. School him good, and enjoy your girls night!
Good for you!!!!
Good for you!!!!
Your SO and BM have it very good since you are or were willing to give them free care.
Glad you now see your time is valuable.
If boyfriend is not there, he must make proper arrangements he is willing to pay for or bm will have to be a parent.
Your freee----as you should be.
Went through the same thing
What is it with these fraidy cat "men" who:.
1. Are scared shitless to say NO to the almighty BM
2. Want to APPEAR as FOTY by agreeing to kid on BM's time.
3. Assume that SM will be THRILLED to do all the skid heavy lifting
4. Believe that SM's LuuuuRrrve for him will make her unable to say NO to him
The ONE time that Chef said to the Girhippo "I'll have to ask Thinkthrice first" he nearly had a heart attack doing it. He was literally sweating and his voice got shaky.
This so infuriated the Girhippo that she made it a point to try to make Chef cave out of my earshot by calling when she knew I was at work.
Stand your ground and be prepared for:
1. Pushback / passive aggression from SO.
2. PAS ramp up from BM "Mommy told me that you don't want to be around me anymore."
3. BM, not being able to control you anymore will become enraged and we'll take it out on SO who in turn will probably take it out on you
4. Do not have a child with this man and seriously consider an Exit Plan seeing that he doesn't respect you but is afraid of the BM.... a deadly combination.
If I knew back in the beginning (where you are now) what I know now, I definitely would not ever get involved with a man who had children.