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BM you're a friend, not a mother, and it's sad.

GirlfriendMom's picture

My SD9 has a snapchat (for family only) and I posted something just now to see her be the first one to look at it. Its 1130pm. I just can't with BM. She treats SD like her best friend, she really does. She doesn't treat her or talk to her the way a mother is supposed to.

We have had many issues because of this. She is the kind of BM who has told SD lies ontop of lies. BM has even said that she can't get a place to live because "your dad doesn't give me enough money so now mommy is homeless" (living with various family members and occasionally the boyfriend)... but she can buy herself a brand new car. Even SD noticed and commented that it was wrong that she bought a car when they dont even have a house.

She is the BM who lets SD stay up until 2am, ever since I knew her even at 6 years old, and act however she wants. She is the BM who throws out the photos SD takes of her life at our house when they end up over at her house in a backpack or something.

She is the BM who had the nerve to tell SD that "[SM] isnt your mom so she should stop acting like she is" when BM at the time was dumping SD on me/us for WEEKS at a time and would refuse to pick SD up on her weeks because she had better things to do, leaving SD bawling her eyes out. Sorry I took care of your daughter and actually care for her when you decided to be absent. Shame on me.

That comment was all because she didnt like that SO AND I BOTH enforced a 830 weekday and 10pm weekend bedtime for SD by the way. SD blamed ME in particular for her early bedtime to BM and I rolled my eyes. She used to stay up ridiculously late with SO AND BM until I showed up and explained to him why that was ridiculously irresponsible, so we both agreed on a time schedule. I do the bedtime routine with her because she likes how I read stories... I guess that all combined got me blamed...Haha. Its whatever. 

I care for SD emotionally to an extent and command a sense of respect for the rules in our house but besides that, I'm not heavily involved. I'm somewhat disengaged. I stopped trying to be some happy little family a long time ago. Just enjoying my own life while they do their thing, truly not my problem.

BM barely ever saw her own daughter until it was convenient but now all of a sudden tries to make up for it by giving SD whatever she wants, picking her up as soon as she can almost anytime she complains that we are "so mean" (which is maybe 2 days into anytime she stays here), giving into all cry baby crap, and so on and so forth. 

SD used to be SOs mini wife and SO played guilty Disney daddy but, with my help, he is generally long past that acts like a fairly normal father. Now the miniwife syndrome has transferred to BM.... and I cringe. SD is a master manipulator just like her mother to the point when she manipulating BM. They both manipulate eachother truly. I'm watching it all unfold from the sidelines... and I feel like SO somewhat is too being that his many attempts to get BM to be a better mother have long failed. Grab your popcorn.


Harry's picture

What That really good that you disengage as much as you can.  Once she gets old enough she will be living with her BM.  She will not like yout rulesvof being home at a certain time, no BF in her room , no drugs ect, BM will be buying her drugs to do together, cool mom

GirlfriendMom's picture

I think that more has to do with me being in her life from a young age though than anything else. She came to doing those things on her own.

I agree that she will live with BM and not like the rules. I'm very much accepting of that, I think by 11 or 12, she will be done spending much time here at all.

ESMOD's picture

I'm confused about the snapchat.. are you saying BM was monitoring her child's phone?  If so.. that's just fine.  Also.. isn't you snapchatting in the same vein of being on a "friend" level with SD?

It sounds like BM does resent you.. probably for a lot of reasons.. including that her daughter "likes" you.  The bedtime was your idea though.. so even though it's a bad thing, your SO would have likely never done anything. 

Buying a car when you don't have a home sounds like a poor decision.. but then again.. if she needs transportation to work.. not having a vehicle is a bigger problem because she apparently can crash with friends.

I think you will be happier not giving BM as much space in your head.  Live your life as you said and try not to focus on what she does or doesn't do.. unless it impacts you.

Cbarton12's picture

No. OP posted something to her snapchat story. Then OP saw the SD was the first to view her story at 1130pm. 

I don't see anything about BM monitoring SD's phone. The issue is SD not having an appropriate bedtime. 

And I think it's perfectly fine for an SM to be more of a friend than a parent. But BM needs to be an actual parent not a friend. 

ESMOD's picture

Ohhh.. I read it as she posted it "so that SD would be the first to see it"  I just read the way she typed it and it was unclear.

I know my SD's were bad about keeping their phones nearby and I know that they would have it by their beds and that they would be getting texts and snapchats at all hours waking them up.

I did actually point out to my DH that it wasn't healthy for them to be doing that.. but ultimately, it wasn't a hill to die on.. so they were tired.. oh well... as long as they didn't melt down with behaviors.. I let it go.  If they did get grumpy.. we dealt with THAT.

And.. I agree that it's fine for a SP to be friendly.. but not necessarily the same as a friend... there still is that hierarchy that they are the "adult" in their home.  The same goes for BM.. there are lots of women that are "best friends" with their mom but their mom is still above them on the chain of command in their home.

Siemprematahari's picture

There's not much you can do about how BM "parents" or lack there of when it comes to SD. It's unfornate that BM allows her to stay up extremely late and basically allows her to do whatever she wants with no rules & consequences. It's great that you have disengaged to an extent because some battles are not meant to be fought. You have assisted your SO a good deal and now he has to continue being consistent.

You are in for a ride with a child that has learned to be manipulative by her mother. Now they both do it to each other and to SO. Boundaries have to be created and enforced.

step to grown children's picture

doesnt matter what we do... BM will always win whether she is a biohag stupid asshole or not! thank you SayNoSkidsChitChat for the term.

My DH's 16 yr old daughter got pregnant and BM scheduled an appointment for an abortion as she did for the oldest daughter a few years back. the 16 yr old did not want an abortion so she called me and I drove the 400 miles, took time off from work and stayed there and with her dad for a few days until things calmed down.

Well, I am back to being the bad guy as always.. and the biohag is the beloved grandma, though she didnt want the baby

CLove's picture

Munchkin SD13 has actually COMPLAINED that her mother acts like her BFF, and not an actual MOTHER. She has also added that me, CLOVE is more of a mother figure in her life.

Shes sort of the "good girl" type, and has a small group of close knit "also good girl types" as friends. They all get good grades, play instruments and so forth. I dont see her so much battling to do drugs, and shirk the rules so much as perhaps, being lazy about chores and taking care of herself.

Ive told Munchkin many different times that my goal for her is to be happy, healthy, independant, able to take care of herself and live a good life. Her mother just wants the status of being a mother, while treating the kidling like a friend - she shares stories about all her different "prospects" and details of her dating life. Kiddo has shared with me that she just has to put her headphones on because her mother cant shut up about it even after polite requests.

So, for now, I am "filling a mother vacancy" as long as Munchkin wants me to fill it, I guess. Then I have to back off when it is apparent that she no longer is willing to have me do that role. Ive been stepping away gradually, and am simply me - the step parent, dads wife, the adult in the house.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

So much of what you posted is what my DH and I have had to deal with over the years! I came into their lives when SD was 7, going on 8. BM has been more of a friend than a mother and then when she tries to mother, it’s really just getting SD whatever she wants. 

We've gotten better about the bedtime situation too over the years. Just be glad SD doesn’t want to sleep in your bed!

I don’t really have any advice, but I think someone posted already that the way things are going, SD will probably come over less as she gets older since she “doesn’t like” (aka can’t handle) the rules at your house. My SD just turned 13 and we haven’t seen her as much as we normally would since about March.