DH Has Just About Had It with SS15 (Language, and kind of long)
Today marks one week that SS15 has been with us for his two weeks here. He continues to ignore us other than to utter expected pleasantries: "hello," "goodbye," and such. Not only has he been ignoring us, but he's also been doing the passive-aggressive crap that he's been starting with the last few months: doing a half-assed job with chores he knows damn well how to do, "forgetting" to rinse his dishes and put them in the dishwasher, stuff like that.
So yesterday evening, DH and I came home from work. BS18 and his paternal grandparents were in the living room. (Yes, BS's father's parents visit our house about once a week. They're OK people and everyone's cool with it.) They're watching The Walking Dead. SS15 is there with them, chatting away, big smile on his face. He sees us come in and goes, "Hiiiiiii, Dad! Hiiiiii, Ghost!" We're just like, WTF? You ignore us all week and now put on a show for other people? WTF is that about? SS knows he's not to watch TV before his chores are done. He had NOTHING done. DH told him to get his ass in the other room and do his chores.
Later, we went to our martial arts class. We took separate cars because DH was staying for a double class and I wasn't. SS15 goes with us because he can't be trusted at home without adult supervision. He rode with DH, of course. My car is invisible like me. I was already home when they returned. SS stomped into the house with DH on his heels. DH took him by the arm, spun him around, got within an inch of his face, and let it rip. DH rarely yells, and he NEVER swears.
"I am DONE with your fucking attitude. I am DONE with you ignoring Ghost and I and treating us like shit. I am DONE with you putting on an act in front of other people to show them what a polite kid you are. You're NOT. You haven't thanked either of us for anything this entire week. You were bought new school supplies. We got your glasses fixed. Ghost cooks you a nice dinner every night. We give and give and GIVE and you do NOTHING in return. Relationships go both ways. Remember that. WE. ARE. DONE. Until you decide to change what YOU caused, do NOT expect a DAMN THING extra from us. You'll get three meals a day and a roof over your head. Expect NOTHING else. "
SS15 stormed into his room and DH came upstairs to talk to me and cool down.
Here's what happened in the car: SS15 went to get into the front seat. DH said, "Sit in the back. If you choose to ignore me and treat me like a taxi driver, you can ride in the back. " SS15 got into the back. A few minutes later, he asks if he can return to his mom's early and start school from her house. Why?, asked DH. SS said because some of his school supplies were at BM's. DH said to grab the phone, call BM, and have her drop them off. Of course SS didn't do that because that's not the reason he wanted to be home. He wants an escape. An escape from expectations of interacting with people and not treating them like shit. An escape from rules and expectations. DH said no, that this is his time with us and he'll go back to his mother's on Friday as usual. He said he came very close to just turning the car around and bringing him straight to BM's but that would be giving in and giving him exactly what he wants.
DH doesn't even feel bad for going off on the kid. He's had it coming for a long time. SS15 has treated us like absolute shit for the past six months. Honestly, he's acting the same way Faux did right before the PAS was complete and he stopped coming. I'll actually be surprised if he continues visitation much longer. Fine with me. Fine with DH at this point, actually. The kid's almost 16. If he's going to be a dick, he can be a dick at BM's. Let her deal with the monster she created. At his age, he's more than old enough to be held accountable for his own behavior. DH doesn't want to lose his other child after all he's gone through with Faux, but at almost 16, he'll do what he's going to do.
If we sound cold, heartless, and evil, oh well. We've been through so much shit over the last three years we're ready for it all to just end. If SS15 disappears from our lives too, so be it. DH, BS18 and I will still keep being a family without him, just like we're doing without Faux. We just. Can't. Take. Any. More.
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Comments
Absolutely you can borrow it!
Absolutely you can borrow it! I agree- the kid isn't 7 or 8 or 10. He's almost a fucking adult. Dh has done SO much for this kid. It's unreal how he does and does and does some more while BM does absolutely nothing, and BM is worshipped and revered by the kid. His glasses had been broken for two weeks and she couldn't be bothered.
As for the counseling, see my
As for the counseling, see my response below. I don't think it's that. DH has been reassuring SS15 repeatedly over the past year that he is his son and that will never change. SS15 is really smart despite not choosing to act that way. He understands the whole dynamic with BM and Faux and that SF is Faux's biological father. He did the math and realizes BM cheated on DH. He knows she lied all these years. He figured this all out himself. Back when he was still talking to us and we could have conversations with him, we talked about everything and he knows his place in his father's life.
What I think is happening- and this is just a semi-educated guess- is that SS15 feels like an outsider now in BM's home. BM, SF and Faux are a happy little nuclear family and he's the odd man out. It doesn't help that Faux gets everything he wants while SS has to beg for scraps, and that Faux is obviously the favored child by far. SS15 knows that the door is open should he choose to live with us full time, but he'd never do it. He's so desperate to get any scrap of love he can from BM. He also has no rules or expectations at BM's. No chores, no homework. School is optional. It's the path of least resistance. It's easier to slide through life than it is to actually learn and grow and act like a mature young man.
It's very sad. I feel bad
It's very sad. I feel bad that the kid has such a POS for a "mother." But his behavior at this point is on him. He's almost an adult and "I had a crappy childhood" isn't going to be an excuse much longer.
Yeah, I still have moments of feeling bad for him, though.
Can your DH call my DH and
Can your DH call my DH and tell him that raising his voice once in a while isn't going to scar the kid for life? Sometimes they need to know you're serious. My DH is so afraid to say anything to skids, you'd think they were holding him at gun point.
I should loan him out to do
I should loan him out to do some training!
I think it should be a free
I think it should be a free public service! (Although a little extra cash would be nice.)
This kid does need
This kid does need therapy...I remember when your SS was a really good kid. Seems to have changed when the DNA test came back on faux.
No, it's only been more
No, it's only been more recent. I wish we could figure out what's going on but of course he refuses to talk. We did have him in therapy- briefly- but he doesn't speak. Two counselors now have said it's pointless if he refuses to speak about his feelings, and just says everything's fine. Since then, BM has denied any and all therapy. The CO says both parents have to agree on a therapist, and she can't find one she likes, and has vetoed every one DH has suggested. I think we're kind of hopeless at this point.
He's talked about all that
He's talked about all that with him repeatedly over the past year. SS knows his place in DH's heart. He knows his brother is being adopted by Faux's own biofather, but that DH will always consider him his son and would have him in his life still if he hadn't been PASed.
Honesttly, I think a lot of it is continued PAS. This is the EXACT stuff Faux was doing before he stopped coming altogether. And BM really wants SS15 at her house full time now so she has a babysitter.
I agree with every word. And
I agree with every word. And you're dead on about the counseling. According to DH, every time they tried counseling in the past it was the same thing. If the counselor zeroed in on BM's behavior or disagreed with anything she thought, she suddenly quit. Dead on.
He may apologize today or
He may apologize today or tomorrow, if he behaves in his usual manner. But we're done with the meaningless "I'm sorries" and having him go right back to being the same way the next time he comes over. He needs to show a complete turnaround and sustain that new behavior for a good long stretch. An empty apology, one without action, is meaningless.
Shrugs. I think he suffered
Shrugs. I think he suffered more than I did the past week! He's had to deal with him. I'm invisible.
I love that he's patient. But I think now that hes' finally snapped, he won't be as patient in the future. He's at the end of his tether.
You know I agree with some of
You know I agree with some of the others that SS may be having issue with the whole Faux debacle. BUT what I don't like in the least is that his behaviors.. ignoring you guys, acting dejected, being rude. etc is CALCULATED. He proved that with the little show he put on for granny and gramps.
I'm glad your DH lit into him. And I'm SUPER proud of your DH for not taking the easy route and just taking him back to BMs when SS asked to go. Hell I would have been all pedal to the medal on that one!
EXACTLY!!! And that's what DH
EXACTLY!!!
And that's what DH said: SS15 is calculating. He used that very word. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. He's very, very, very manipulative. He is completely different when other people are around.
And a few weeks ago when we were on vacation? The kid was happy as all hell. Talking a mile a minute to us, laughing, interacting, playing games. Of course. He was getting his way. The minute we were back home, literally AS SOON AS he stepped through the door...back to radio silence. Calculated. That's precisely what he is. He learned well from his mother, who invented the concept.
Oh believe me, there's nothing we'd both like more than to enjoy our three-day weekend in peace with him at BM's. But that would do him no good. Alas, we are real parents!
Damn skippy!
Damn skippy!
I think it'll come to this
I think it'll come to this soon anyway. Very soon. One of these days SS15 will call DH the day before visitation started and say he's not coming. Same thing happened with Faux. We went to EOWE with him, he came once, then never again. I think if SS15 ends up at BM's full time, he'll never be back.
If that happens, so be it. If he never comes around, so be it. If he chooses to live BM's lifestyle and make jack shit of his life, so be it.
And that's the worst part of
And that's the worst part of it. I feel for SS, but I feel worse for DH. He's tried to hard to be a real parent to his kids, knowing that he bred with a lunatic and he's the only parent they have. Now he's lost one child and is quickly losing the other. I hope there's a very special place in Hell for these succubi that call themselves mothers.
SS plays both parents against each other like a pro. He tells each one exactly what he or she wants to hear. I think he's terrified of BM, though he won't admit. She has come right out and told him that if he ever chooses to live with us full time, she'll move back to her home state on the other side of the country and he'll never see her again. Nice, huh?
He knows BM is a whack job. He knows she doesn't provide him with what he needs. But she gives him what he wants, she's the fun friend parent, she has no expectations of him and makes no demands, so that's where he wants to be. He's told us many times that being responsible, doing chores and homework, acting in a socially acceptable manner is "too hard." Alrighty then. Go stat with your mother. We're not chucking expectations and rules to suit your lazy ass.
It's coming. I'd bet money on it, and I don't gamble.