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The Aftermath of PAS

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

I was watching a movie I love the other night, "Dark Skies." For those who don't know, it's about a family that was unknowingly stalked by aliens for a number of years. By the time signs start showing (strange marks on the kids, sleepwalking, weird things happening in the house), it's too late. Alien abduction is imminent and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it.

It make me think about PAS. It's the same thing. Or at least it was in our case. But the time we started seeing the signs, it was already too late. And we knew what to look for because we'd already been through it once with Faux! Those kids were gone, lost to us. It happened so fast. Within months. SSociopath16 was fine with all of us. Then he suddenly stopped talking to DH and I. That was all that changed. Within a few short months, he had disappeared. He left for school one morning, called CPS and never came back.

DH cleaned out his old room over the weekend. He boxed up his books, bagged up his clothes, and they're ready to be taken to The Salvation Army. His "special" things, mementoes and such, were boxed up and put in the attic in case he ever wants them as an adult. DH said it was therapeutic for him, gave him closure. I'm glad for that.

SSociopath is currently not accepting DH's calls, and is not returning calls. He's mad at DH for supporting BM's decision to change his school. He really thought DH wouldn't agree to it. But hey, SS said it was what he wanted. Besides, he was told the day he called CPS that if he went to live with BM full time, he'd have no choice but to change schools. I think he's learned a very important lesson in what happens when you don't stand up for yourself. Or not. Meh.


GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

And unfortunately, SSociopath has always had to learn everything the hard way. You have to beat a dead horse, then beat HIM WITH the dead horse. He's got a long, hard road ahead.

Sports Fan's picture

I think this is so true. Skids are the same for DH. They don't act out or scream at him, they just don't talk. They come over, they say nothing. I think because they didn't do "bad" things he thought everything was fine and instead they were buying BM's lies hook, line and sinker. DH continues to try but it's not getting any better. Skids had Friday off and he asked them about coming over for an extra day. They didn't want to. Then SD asked to watch a movie. DH thought it was a good sign. Nope, it was only because BM wouldn't let her watch it. I actually think this kind is worse than the more disruptive kind. At least if they are telling you they don't want to come you know something is up.

I'm glad that your DH is able to move forward. I know it must be hard for him (and you) but at least he has a decision so to speak and can do this. Being stuck in the middle, never knowing what's going to happen is definitely worse.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Exactly. I'd take a screaming kid over a silent, manipulative, sneaky one any day. You just don't know what to expect with the ones who put on false faces for different people in different scenarios.

hereiam's picture

It happened fast for us, too. We had no clue the extent of the lies that BM was telling my SD and no idea that she believed them. She never let on that she was angry with her dad or me.

Then it just blew up one day when she was 15. She's now 23 and her and DH's relationship has never been the same. He doesn't trust her, doesn't always believe her, and rarely sees her.

It's really sad; they were really close when she was young.

Sports Fan's picture

Early on skids said something about BM telling them not to tell us anything about her house. I was very naïve at the time and didn't think anything of it. I thought that is okay, I don't want to know anything anyways. Now we realize it was her way of controlling skids and not allowing them to tell DH what she was doing or saying to them. To this day skids won't tell DH anything. We actually don't know exactly what she's been telling them but we know what the result was.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Yeah, even if we were positive that PAS was happening, what could we have done? It's not like we could go for custody. At 15, the courts would have agreed with whatever SS wanted. It would've been a colossal waste of our time and money. And we just went through a CPS investigation. The social worker recognized BM's PAS. Unfortunately, it's not considered abuse here. There really is no way to win against these BMs.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

It's sickening. How does a mother destroy her own child in her quest to be the favorite parent? Absolutely nauseating.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Many positive thoughts to your DH, exhaustedSM. It's such a horrible situation.

DaizyDuke's picture

I just watched that movie for the first time like a month ago and it was really good!!

We were talking about loser skids the other night and DH said he's done harping on them, done trying to "change" them. He said if they are "happy", then he is happy... then he said "Well not REALLY happy that they are turning out to be total losers, but there is no point fighting it any more." It's pointless when you have the BM/GBM telling them the exact opposite, telling them that their dad is stupid, etc. Of course skids are going to gravitate to the path of least resistance. Maybe that will work for them?

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

I still say there's hope for your SS, tog!

But yeah, the end came super quick for us too. I know what you mean.

kalinda's picture

We are in the same boat as everyone else, SD's have not been to our house in over 6 months. DH has taken them to lunch a couple of times but they refuse to come to our house.......I'm the evil SM that stole daddy away. They told him they will never come over again unless he makes me leave. They aren't totally gone from him but he knows its going to happen no matter how hard he fights it.

Jsmom's picture

For us it happened so quickly. I really believe that when we got married, that triggered something. We had dated for 3 years and she was tolerable. Once I moved in, all hell broke loose.

I think BM didn't realize what she was doing would ultimately give her full custody of SD18. In theory, she just didn't agree with how DH parented. She thought we were micromanaging my SD. She truly believed it would make DH not micromanage and let my SD18 (then 13 date). It just made him mad and go for full custody. We gave up and ultimately her BPD, created a child that was out of control. BM has admitted to DH that parenting her is difficult, so DH offered to help again and when he told her how to do it, she didn't want to actually enforce things. So now, DH is done. SD has not responded to his text since Sept. He is pretty done. Said he will wait it out until she needs him. He is not going to contact her anymore.

I think BM regrets all of it, but she would never admit it to DH or SS. I do hope someday, my SD wakes up and realizes she lost out on a good father.

misSTEP's picture

My SD changed overnight...really. She had cut back on coming for visitation but DH figured it was because she was ashamed at being pregnant at 16. She still responded when he attempted to contact her, though. Then we went to the hospital when she was admitted early for an emergency c-section. She cried when we walked in and said, "I didn't think you would come!" That really bothered me but things were too chaotic for me to say anything at the time. She squeezed my hand so tight, I thought she was going to break my fingers!

The next time, there was BM. She wanted DH to come into the NICU with her. He refused. My theory is that she got so upset over being denied her grandparents bonding moment (after being refused her narcissistic need to keep in communications with DH for years) that she snapped.

After that, BM informed the hospital that SD could only have two visitors at a time. And she refused to leave the room. So, DH could come in but only if BM was also there. Very awkward.

SD came to our house for the baby shower (she left before we even cut the cake) and then for Father's Day but after that, we had absolutely no contact with her for about three years, except the times when DH would use someone else's phone to make contact with her.

I don't know for sure what happened but her saying that she didn't think we would come spoke volumes to me when I look back on it.