Im new here and need help
I have been in a relationship for several years now and feel things between the kids and I should be different. I feel at this point I am at a crossroad and need directions.
What it boils down to is I feel invisable and I am so hurt that I am questioning weither or not I have the strength to continue this journey as a step parent.
I was raised by a single mom who had a few live-in boyfriends and ended up marring one of them. HE AND HIS FAMILY were cruel to my sister and I. I know what it is like to have the wicked step sister and father. I also knew that was an example of who and what I would never be if I were ever put in that role in life.
I have2 kids and He has 2 kids and for the most part they get
along , I am very happy with their relationships with each other. I just feel like I am not part of the equation. When there is an issue with one of my step daughters and a family discussion is needed, Im not part of it. Im glad my husband and his ex- wife are doing an amazing job co-parenting however I feel I should be included in it. To me that shows harmony and respect. So many things have happened over the years, I am at the point where I am so hurt that I dont want to go home. I cry in the bathroom or on the drive to work. My chest feels tight and I cant breath and I have no oneto talk to. When I try =, he doesnt hear me.
WHAT DO I DO?
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You say your DH and his EX
You say your DH and his EX are doing a good job of coparenting. I would let this go.
The only time you should be consulted is when it directly impacts you.
Your finances.. your time.. your effort.
Otherwise, as long as their parenting doesn't hurt you.. you really need to accept that there are two bio parents and you don't have to be part of those discussions.
If the issue with the step
If the issue with the step kid didn't not affect me, I wouldn't even want to be a part of those meetings. Their kid, their responsibility.
But, you say that so many things have happened over the years, so it's really hard to say without more info.
Can you elaborate more on
Can you elaborate more on what has happened over the years? Anything that happens with the step kids does it directly impact you? If not this actually works out in your favor. You don’t have to be involved and your H and his Ex make the decisions for their kids. Now if it affects you, that’s another story. My concern in all this is that this is affecting your health and mental well-being which should be placed as a priority. You don’t feel seen or heard from your H and that is going to deteriorate your relationship.
Don’t sacrifice yourself for anyone and please take care of you.
Welcome! As the posters above
Welcome! As the posters above said, if the coparenting is working and doesn't have a negitive impact on you (Money, time, responsibility towards the kids), I would let it go.
However, something has to be going on here for you to feel strongly enough to consider leaving your marriage. Can you elaborate on some examples so we might be able to offer some advice or share experiences that might help you?
Examples
In the last 6 years the kids have grown and changed. As the kids have come into their teen years they have had their times of trying us and pushing their boundries. One big example was one sneeking out, drinking and messing around. My kids found out and told me because what she was doing was dangerous. I had to be the one to break the news to him. After that no more disscussion with me other than after the fact. I was scared for her. Instead she resented me and my kids.( Oh also let me say he has shared custody so they are with the others one week and all 4 at our house the next week)His oldest "tolorated " the week to week till she got to age 17 and told her mom she could not live under the same roof with me anymore because I give her mean looks and makes me out to be the bad guy.She moved in full time with her mom . I feel like her mom should know better and I have bent over backwards to do things for her. It hurt more than I can explain. Now the youngest is 14 and all of a sudden it feels like history will repete itself. I am ignored, even in the same room she will ask her dad whats for dinner and when are we eating... while Im cooking dinner... she did an all about "me" project in school and added pictures of her brother ( my Son) and her sisters ( including my daughter) but left me out! These are small examples...
And yes I am happy they co-parent so well, I FEEL I SHOULD BE INCLUDED because we are a family unit and I CARE about them. I do include him in matters with my kids because my ex is a big child and does not listen to me but will listen to him.... that is a whole nother story.
I dont know if I am explaining it right. It has been 6 years and I am still just the there, not a part of the house. I might as well be a painting on the wall
Welcome to Steptalk
Welcome, and keep reading here - it really does help to know that you are not alone in the journey.
I would not worry too much about things that do not impact you, although if it does impact you, you should have a say so.
You sound very depressed - have you sought counseling? Im certain there is more to your story that you can share when you feel ready.
Welcome to the site!
Have you discussed your feelings of invisibility with your partner? is he aware of how feeling invisible presses your buttons from your own childhood? Maybe there are ways in which you could be included so that these feelings lessen. You obviously have parenting experience of your own kids that he could draw on to help him with his, maybe.
yes
Yes I have mentioned this to him, he thinks Im being over sensitive. He says the kids are just used to coming to him for things .... I get that but not after 6 years! They walk right past me
because you are not their
because you are not their parent. they go to their father.. who they know parents with their mother.
I think they likely also view any input of yours as negative because it seems that the only thing they view you wanting input on is their "boundaries" and such.
It sounds like to an extent they are disengaged from you.. and as long as it's not outright rudeness.. then perhaps take this as a sign to not bend over backwards to do things for them.
I'm with the others, I don't
I'm with the others, I don't think you need to be or should be part of every discussion BM and DH have; though you should absolutely be consulted (by DH) about any decision that affects you.
Be grateful they are able to coparent and let it go.
Not every Discussion
I dont feel the need to be part of every discussion, just when it is important to our lives. We have week to week custody and not just weekends. When the child is with us 1/2 the time and I am part of her life 50% of the year it should be known that I matter. That I am part of their lives and important.
but you see.. you don't "have
but you see.. you don't "have to be part of their lives and important". You married their father... that's it. They need to respect you as an adult in the home.. but you really don't need to be involved in parenting them.. UNLESS your husband's lack of parenting is negatively impacting you..
ie... they are stealing from you... they are destroying property in the home.. they are bringing drugs into the home.. they are exposing your children to dangerous things or people.. they are using your money to get bailed out of jail.
Please give an example where you think your input was absolutely needed because your husband and his EX didn't handle the situation properly? You will never prevent 100% of issues with kids.. even yours.. but are he and his ex appropriately responsive to his kids' actions? then that's all that is important. You do NOT need a seat at the parenting table with them.
Your husband is obligated to discuss things that will impact you.. and your enjoyment and use of your home.. your finances..
Now.. perhaps it might be nice for him to bounce ideas off of you when a situation comes up.. but he is not obligated to do that.
If the younger daughter decides she doesn't want to come over etc.. be disengaged.. she should find that disengagement is a 2 way street and you are not going to feel very obligated to do extra nice things for someone who pretends you don't exist.