You are here

Reposting: Toxic vs. Healthy Relationships

futurobrillante99's picture

For the new members:

**This goes pretty much for all relationships, but both types I've experienced in relationships with men who have children with someone else, so it's relevant to step-life.**

I now have experience with both and am directing this towards a couple posters who seem to be in relationships with toxic/disordered people:


  • instability in the relationship and playing on your insecurities are the hallmark of this person
  • they will create drama, then blame you for the drama
  • there will be a double standard
  • coming to them with your feelings or concerns will cause you to be labeled crazy, needy, hysterical, hormonal, demanding, narcissistic, unreasonable, irrational, etc.
  • these people will flip out with a hair trigger if you call them out on something that they are actually doing - the closer to the mark you hit, the bigger the tantrum
  • if you do not watch what you say, how you say it and when you say it, you will pay/be punished
  • they remember everything you say (except when they are pretending they don't to mess with your head) and it will be used against you at any point - even years later
  • they will use you
  • much is expected of you, but you will be chastised for expecting the same from them
  • they lie, even about little things


  • there is trust and you don't feel insecure or unsteady on the regular
  • words and actions are in agreement
  • empathy is demonstrated and your feelings or concerns are listened to - changes are made
  • there is no manufactured drama
  • empathy means there is no double standard. they treat you as they would like to be treated
  • you will not be labeled as crazy, needy, hysterical, hormonal, demanding, narcissistic, unreasonable, irrational, etc.
  • you will not be punished or encounter spiteful, childish and vindictive behaviors
  • your partner will not flip out and attack you verbally for pointing out concerns
  • you will not be used and if you tell your partner you feel taken for granted or taken advantage of, they will strive to correct it
  • your anxiety goes away because the trust is so strong, you aren't looking for holes in their stories that prove they are lying
  • you will feel loved, respected and cherished, and being with that person will cause you to feel safe and tranquil

I do not believe you can ever change a person in the first list into a person described in the second list.

If you have someone that's basically a good person with a couple bad habits or needs to learn some communications skills, that's one thing. However, if you have someone checking most of the items on the first list, you are with someone who is NEVER going to magically turn into a good partner.

Take it from me. I've been there and your only hope for a healthy relationship is with someone else.


justmakingthebest's picture



caninelover's picture

Most of the points for toxic/narcissist actually describe SD23 perfectly, unfortunately.

strugglingSM's picture

The creating drama and then blaming you for it, really resonates with me. I was talking to my counselor about BM and DH's family and she said, "it sounds like they all really like to create drama." They do and it seems like DH is always blamed (and sometimes me by association) for it by all of them. They also all flip out when called out on their bad behavior.