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OT: Long distance relationship - we're adjusting well

futurobrillante99's picture

Soooo, I just got back from 10 days with my SO at the mountain house. We had a wonderful time and settled into a nice routine.

He rearranged his office to provide me a dedicated space and explained to me that he was puzzled when I first mentioned it because he's only ever seen me working with a laptop. He didn't realize I have and need a multi-monitor setup with a docking station to work most effectively. I now have 3 places to work: office, my house and the mountain house. I can grab my laptop and head up there at a moment's notice. To him it was such a small thing, but I explained how HUGE it was to me for him to make a space for me.

We worked together to outfit the other guest bedroom with Craigslist twin beds to accommodate more guests. He will be gone on an adventure most of June out west with an old friend and has encouraged me to have anyone I want to out to the house, and OF COURSE they can use the room his daugher uses when she visits. We call it HER room, but he was clear that other people can surely sleep in there.

Because my friends and my kids will most likely primarily use the room we just furnished, I ordered the bedding off Amazon and JC Penney, and it really looks nice. SO said that having me there really makes the house feel like home and he likes the touches I've added.

We talked about my anxious attachment style and how when things take a big shift (like moving full time to the mountain house instead of doing it gradually), I will panic and become fearful he's abandoning me. He said he understands better how that must have seemed to me, but he wants me there. He just doesn't want to push things or encourage me to make big changes in my career and life only to end up resenting him later if it hurts my career or affects me financially.

Right now, my employer wants us in the office at least 3 days a week, but we've been told that later in the year, they'll want us in person 5 days a week. That would relegate my relationship to weekends only, and may force my hand on changing to a job I can do mostly remote. I do have some options for a compressed work schedule that I might explore which would give me 3 day weekends.

I have a lot of options open to me, but I'm in a really good place.

After my last freakout, I had to really stop and examine what was going on with me. For a long time, I've wanted SO to be happy. To be excited about life. To not be moody or depressed, or stuck in the past. I've wanted him to do the things he loves like biking and to find joy in puttering around the house. His local house was not a happy place for him and he's said the most tedious chores THERE are a joy at the mountain house. The mountain house is honestly......a magical place. There is beauty to behold from every window. The mountains, trees, sky, stars, sunrise, moonrise, etc. It's a lovely piece of property and being there has given him such joy.

When you love someone, you want what is best for them. I know he wants whatever is best for me, so I decided to return the favor. I know I am welcome to be there as much as I can be, but I can't blame him for wanting to leave his local house and this city behind. It holds a lot of negativity for him. Now that he's made sure I know I have a home there with him and he wants me there as much as I can be, I think I have relaxed enough to be okay with seeing each other intermittently for a time.

I will be going back up on our 2 year anniversary next week, and staying through Memorial Day. We have a bike packing trip planned to mark our anniversary. He will leave for his month-long adventure out west immediately after Memorial Day. I was hoping to fly out and see him mid-June, but his friend has planned an action-packed itinerary.  I may fly out at the end and drive back with him. We shall see.

So the panic is over. I have a space to work at the house. I have my own dresser in OUR bedroom. There is a place for my kids and friends to stay........including the room his daughter sleeps in. He's encouraged me to spend as much time there as I would like while he's gone in June. There are really no doubts in my mind about how he feels about me and us. I have a combination of words supported by actions to go from.

Everything will fall into place, in due time. Thanks to all those who could see my panicked posts for what they were - my anxious attachment style in full on red alert.


Stepdrama2020's picture

Uplifting post for sure.

You were patient, didnt push, and your SO delivered.

May you have many many happy memories at your mountain home. It sounds so blissful. 

Girl you deserve this.

futurobrillante99's picture

Thank you. It really is a special place. And I've made peace with our current arrangement.

I have my friends and activities to do down here at my house and he's in training for his big cycling event in June.

I'm so proud of how hard he's working to prepare for that event. And I'm making new friends up in mountains, too. LOL He joined a cycling group and in my panicked state, I saw that as a way he would meet someone new (silly me). They do a lot of challenging rides because of the mountains, but they also do more sedate rides. He actually encouraged me to join and I did! I went on a 14 mile ride with 3 ladies from that group - not terribly challenging - while he went on a 60 mile solo ride. It was a gorgeous day yesterday and we both had a blast.

He's shown me he wants me there and wants to include me in the life he's making for himself. I've been properly reassured of my place in his life.

caninelover's picture

Looks like things are coming together well.  SO and I would both go on the 'ladies' 14 mile ride LOL.  60 miles is impressive.

Enjoy it, you deserve it.  

futurobrillante99's picture

Yes. It seems that way. Smile Thank you.

My longest ride was a metric century 65+ miles back in October 2019. 

I haven't repeated it but would like to do a full century ride this coming October - on flat roads!! 

The trail SO rode is not terribly hilly, but his pace is very consistent and he's much faster than me. I would need a lot of breaks to ride 60 right now. But I'll get there!!

ESMOD's picture

Sounds like you had some great time to acclimate together..He appears to be doing a much better job at accomodating and making you feel not just "welcome".. but included.. which is a very slight variation.. but an important one.

futurobrillante99's picture

It's massive. He admits he got so excited about moving in that he became a bit myopic but he DOES want my influence and nothing is nailed down; he's open to making changes and encouraged me to make the area around my workspace my own. 

There was much more said and done to support him wanting it to be my home, too. It was massively reassuring.