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OT: Feeling "homeless"

futurobrillante99's picture

I'm probably hormonal, but I'm certainly having mixed feelings.

I'm excited that the day after tomorrow my DS30 and I are buying a gorgeous historic house nearer to his new job. I'm happy that we're on a joint venture for him to have a lovely home in a great area for a young man like himself that is ALSO a good investment for me.

We spent Saturday prepping for the movers coming tomorrow. I have rented a small moving truck and we have hired helpers coming to load 3 rooms of furniture on the truck. I'm sending my living room, dining room and bedroom furniture up to the house. The DR furniture is too large for my current house but will fit perfectly up there. It is an Amish made farm kitchen table that opens up to seat 12. I've never had the space to open it all the way but it should open perfectly at the new house. My LR furniture will also go well up there, and the bedroom furniture is for the master bedroom which I hope to eventually use as an Airbnb.

It was bittersweet unpacking my china buffet and realizing many of the things I've owned for 20 years will be going to a house that I'm not going to be living in. What really struck me was that I felt HOMELESS.

I'm currently staying at my BF's house - have been since mid October. It's his house and I'm a guest no matter how you slice it. In my home for the last 2 years, it might have been crammed with stuff from the house I raised my kids in, but it was all mine. It's been my sanctuary and refuge; I was surrounded by the things that held meaning for me.

Now I'm shipping a bunch up to the next house and I've listed my master bedroom for rent. I already have an interested prospective tenant.

What I will have for myself in this house is the basement. I'm going to have the movers move my sectional sofa from the basement to the living room and I'll turn the current family room into my bedroom. My office is in the back part of the basement, currently.

I could stay in 3 different places but nothing feels like home and it just made me feel very sad. My best friend has agreed to come over in two weeks to help me transform the basement space into MY little refuge. There are no dividing walls between the front and back of the basement, so I will find someone to build me a temp wall.

I'm moving into my basement so I can rent out my bedroom and between that renter and my DS24, I'll have my mortgage covered. My DS30 is paying rent at the new house and he's advertising for a roommate(s) to cover that mortgage. So, I'll essentially be mortgage free, but feeling very homeless. Isn't that crazy?

I know I have tons to be grateful for and this will allow me to save heavily for retirement so I can retire early, but, right now, I'm just kinda blue.

BF has said his new house is for us. He can gush quite a bit about that, but then gets reserved.

I've made myself a couple of promises with regards to that:

  1. Until he's ready to commit to me, I will only visit his mountain house
  2. I will not move anything into that house and will show up to visit with my bags, taking everything back home with me
  3. I won't invest in the house emotionally or finanically until he's proposed, fully makes that house my home and has taken steps to ensure I can live there after his death or he adds my name to the deed
  4. Finally, he has said his new house will have an open door policy to my friends and family. Once covid is no longer an excuse if I find out that's not true, I would have to end the relationship. I need for my friends and family to feel welcome to visit me in MY home

In the meantime, I'm going to pour my energy into myself, my health and my peace. I'll visit him when I can, but I'm not going to make any plans to live there. That means I'll be turning my basement into home sweet home in the next couple of weeks.

Has anyone else felt like a guest or in limbo in their own home or house with a significant other?


CajunMom's picture

In my own home, too. And I'm not sure if it's that I felt homeless but I felt like the perverbial Pink Elephant when SKs were here. Holidays were horrible. I just felt so out of place with them around, how they didn't respect my home, my rules, ME. Thankfully, I've been disengaged from that crew for 3 years with zero contact. DH sees them outside our home.

I think your basement idea is going to be GREAT for you. It's YOUR place, decorated the way you want, with no one to mess it up or taint it with their unwanted presence. You can get really creative making rooms/space with temp walls, room dividers, etc. Hop on Pinterest to get ideas! It may be the wake up call your SO needs....your presence no longer 100% but managed by you as to when you two see each other.

If you have prior issues with what happens in the home with your SO, tread carefully. Those habits are very hard to break. I think I'd need a legal contract done by an attoney outlineing ALL my expectations if I were to buy a joint home with anyone with kids. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I'm not really sure about "prior issues" with my SO in the home. Right now, I'm staying in HIS house and it's been temporary from the start. This is the house he owned with his late wife and where they raised their daughter age 32. SO made a lot of changes after his LWs death, but has been very cautious to keep things status quo. In other words, I think he was afraid his daughter would get upset if "her mom's" house was changed by another woman. Just a guess. I'm not sure she would care, but he was extra sensitive to it.

I have enjoyed my entire town house since I escaped my XH2 nearly 3 years ago. Now, I need to cozy up my new space in the basement for just me. I just ordered myself an exercise bike with online classes (thanks stimulus!!) for the space. I'm going to order a new mattress and bed frame and bring down my stained glass, antique desk, artwork. Except for doing laundry, my DS24 and future tenant will not need to ever be in the basement. Biggrin

As far as the new house, I know my SO gets overwhelmed and wants to take things one at a time. That's fine, but I will need to wait and see how he acts about people visiting the house and what he says/does about it being "our" home someday. I'm fine moving nice and slow, but if words and actions don't match = no bueno.

Thanks for your input. I'm sorry you feel homeless in your own home. I certainly felt that way when I lived with my XH2 in OUR home (we owned it jointly). I felt homeless because he made it clear from day one that THAT house was for HIS sons. My DS24 was not welcome to live there and the 6 weeks my DD27 lived there really brought out his ugly side. It actually contributed to me leaving him. I think them most I felt at home in my house with XH2 was the 3 weeks I was sleeping in the guest bedroom with all my things around me like a hoarder. I actually felt more safe even while feeling really uncomfortable living in the same house waiting to settle on my new townhouse.

Catmom024's picture

Yes.  I believe i responded to an earlier blog you posted about this a few months ago.  I think I may have deleted that previous account though and got a new one to safeguard my privacy.

I sold my home of 28 years that i was the sole owner of and it was mortgage free.  I'd raised my son there.  It was built in 1974 and was in need of round #2 of EXPENSIVE updates and new roof, new AC unit, new furnace, new window frames, new windows, etc etc.  My SO of many years and I bought a farm together but I paid in significantly less than him and will only receive the % amount when he dies.  I'm on the deed but no survivor rights (my SO's mother had survivor's rights to her partner's house but his children put him in a nursing home so she got the boot...sometimes Survivor Rights aren't enough).  

So...there's not a whole lot I do to the house...I repainted most of the downstairs and bought a new bath vanity.  My SO wouldn't help pay for any of it because it was "optional".  {{Eye roll}}.

It's a lot different than owning a home that's 100% mine.  I miss that in many respects.  But, when something goes wrong with the house I don't have to foot 100% of the bill.  My SO tried to demand I pay 50% of the property taxes.  Sorry, I'm only paying the % of the property I own.  I'm real careful not to be his free farm laborer too.

futurobrillante99's picture

Your situation sounds very frustrating and I can relate. I think I will need to make a space of my very own, surrounded by my things as an escape hatch. It would be a comfort knowing I had that for myself. Is there any chance you can afford to get yourself a little place of your own?

futurobrillante99's picture

It's good to know, at the very least, that if things don't ever gel with my SO at HIS new house, I can stop renting rooms out at one of the houses and make a home in either of the houses I own. Feeling a bit better this morning. Smile