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Christmas 2020 - the verdict is in

futurobrillante99's picture

We have a winner.

Was it exactly what I hoped for? Not really, because BF didn't join me at breakfast with my sons on Christmas morning. However, it's fine because of the gains we did make.

BF and I had Christmas Eve completely together...and alone. He made us dinner and I had him open two of his Christmas gifts. In my family, we were ALWAYS allowed to open one gift on Christmas Eve. It was usually the gift my mom wanted us to open because it contained either something to wear to midnight mass or Christmas PJs for the morning.

So, in the spirit, I had him open up the gift I had been over at my house waiting to arrive: a set of nice Japanese knives. He got me a Santoku knife for my birthday and he desperately needed knives, so I added to OUR set. He was over the moon and immediately took down all his tattered knives to display our 3 new knives together.

I also had him open a gift from my cat. (just an excuse to get him another gift). It was the boxed set of Dr. Who with his favorite doctor. And that's what we did on Christmas Eve. We drank wine and binge watched Dr. Who.

We woke up Christmas AM and had a low key morning. I gave him the other 2 gifts I had for him: a backpacking air mattress and two books with history of the town where he's buying his house. He was very pleased. He got me a set of wireless bluetooth earbuds. I'm wearing them right now. I'm really pleased with it but he apologized for not having many ideas. I told him it's not a competition or all about gifts. It's mostly the time together.

I headed to my house around 9am to cook breakfast for my sons: cinnamon rolls, eggs, bacon and sliced fruit. We opened gifts and really enjoyed the time together. It WAS actually better with just me and my sons.

BF picked me up at noon and we headed to his mom's house. It was just a visit and his daughter joined us - socially distanced. His mom gave me a sweet gift. Very nice all around. He brought up his new house while there and kept saying "WE" meaning him and me. He even mentioned US thinking about having chickens (I'm totally on board with that). He later told me that he was letting them both know the plan for the new house is for US to live there together.

BF then dropped me back at my house. He was going home to prep dinner. His DD31 was dropping by for dinner and to drop off her cat for us to cat sit. BF told me to "take my time." Soooooo, I did.

I hung out with my guys, did some laundry and even took a nap watching TV with my DS30. I rolled up a couple of hours later and dinner was ready! My timing was perfect. We had lamb chops and roasted veggies. It was a REALLY nice visit and his DD31 didn't stay very long after dinner. Her cat is adorable and it's been a blast to have her around the last few days. I think we have her for another day or two.

BF and I partied on and watched more Dr. Who. BF told me he and his daughter talked about me and she had nothing but positive things to say about US and our plans to make his new house our home.

BF said the plan for the next house is for it be an open door policy for our friends and family - everyone is welcome to come visit us out there - particularly for Christmas. It's a big enough house for all our children to visit...with their partners. We might have to get creative about sleeping arrangements, but there are options.

Even BF said THIS holiday season has been so much better than the last one. Ya think? It's always better when we're together.




CajunMom's picture

How nice!! Thanks for sharing! Love seeing positive outcomes!

futurobrillante99's picture

Hoping 2021 brings positive outcomes for all stepfamilies - whatever that means to each family.

caninelover's picture

And very positive.  His daughter sounds pretty mature and accepting so that's definitely helpful.

Congrats on a succesful merging of holidays.  It looks like a nice future for you and SO in your new home together.

futurobrillante99's picture

Thank you. The merging is slow but making progress. I was merged into his and, hopefully, next year will mean a move toward him being more involved in mine, and..........dare I say it............our kids eventually crossing paths. LOL

He said the new house is a great place for a wedding. I would need our kids to at least meet each other before I'd be okay with a wedding. I think it would be weird for all of them to meet AT a wedding, but it's not like they have to know or like each other before we could get married.

Thank you for the encouragement.

CLove's picture

Well, that sounds like a REALLY nice holiday!

Ours sucked pretty bad, but we are moving forward. It felt like we needed to open up an old wound so we could clean it out.

Your BF is really stepping up to the plate as far as planning a life with you goes. Tell him us here at Steptalk are really proud of him. LOL> 3rd time is your charmed number Biggrin

futurobrillante99's picture

I think I'll keep StepTalk our little secret. Thank you. He is really stepping up. I'd like to finish my time on this planet on a high note, for sure.

I'm sorry your holiday wasn't relaxing and joyful. I really hope your future holidays will be a vast improvement. ((hugs))

Wilhelm's picture

This post led me to consider from what culture does the "never give a knife " as a gift come. If a knife is given as a gift the receiver must give a coin for the knife. 

Livingoutloud's picture

It's a common superstition in several European cultures, particularly Eastern Europe. By giving a coin back you make it a purchase, not a gift. Superstition is that it will eventually severe the relationship. Of course it's just a superstition. you either believe it or you don't. I follow some because they are deeply ingrained in me. But I don't follow the one about knives and gave people knives plenty of times 

As about your BF, I am glad it got better. My only concern and somewhat a red flag is that you are spending so much time with his family while he avoids yours. If you just dated, it would be fine. Take it slow. But if he lives with you, I think it's time to spend time with your kids. It would bother me in your situation. I am big fan of taking things slow in romance department but it has to be equally slow. Not fast on your side and slow on his. See if it changes some time soon. I hope so  

futurobrillante99's picture

All our kids are adults. This is not the year to get everyone together. Next year, if the virus is under controll, we'll have everyone over. 

I'm staying at his house. It's the home of his LW and daughter and it needs work so he's not comfortable entertaining company. His daughter is used to how the house is so it's no issue having her over. It'll all work out. This year was 1000 times better than last year so I have every reason to believe it will improve post covid. 

Livingoutloud's picture

I get it. I know your kids are adults. I was just concerned that you bend backwards accommodating everything for him including going to his elderly moms house in the middle of pandemics and hanging out with his kid  but he wouldn't see your kids even though he originally said he is going to see them. I do hope you are right and things are going to improve. I have no doubts that at some point you will have them over. On his time. At his convenience. I'd just hate for you to give 100% of yourself again and get anything less than that back, again. Well I am just not as nice lol and unconditionally giving, and my tolerance of BS is low so I am having concerns on your behalf. But if you are happy, that's  all that matters. Good luck and happy 2021. I am glad things are going well 



futurobrillante99's picture

Thank you. I'm not really bending over backwards when it comes to his family. I still don't agree with his covid excuse for not spending time at my house with my sons. His logic falls short but I'm picking my battles. I realized when I was with my sons that it was BETTER with it just being us without BF.

Me going with him to see his mom and having a meal with his daughter was no skin off my nose. It follows MY logic with regards to covid.

Since I live with him, for the time being, I think he's mostly looking at me as part of his household so it's okay for US to go see his mom. He's very worried about seeming at fault if his mom gets sick and I think that's driving him not wanting to have a meal with my sons in my house. I think if his mom got sick (even if it wasn't from us), people could say it was us because we were visiting around town.

It all worked out well and I have every hope it will get better. If, for some reason, he were to NOT welcome my family to the new house next holiday season, he'll be spending it alone and I'll be spending it with my family back here in my current area. And you can be sure there will be no wedding or me fully moving up there if there is any indication that it's not MY home as well and MY family is not welcome.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Isn't this the second time he backed out on a meal with your kids? It seems like he is avoiding spending time with your boys. Has he given any reason as to why he seems to be avoiding them? You are close to your kids and have great relationships with them and you are always going to be more involved with your son who has autism - is BF ok with that?

I have followed your story from the beginning and I have been hoping things work out with this guy and I admire the way you have navigated it all - it just concerns me that he seems to be avoiding your kids. I understand the pandemic has changed everything, but you have certainly made an effort to spend time with his family.



futurobrillante99's picture

Last year, he came out to dinner with me and my 3 kids right after Christmas. When we were in Texas last year, we had a meal with my daughter and visited her apartment the next day. He's spent time at my house and interacted with my Autistic son. The only thing that's really changed his level of involvement with my kids is the virus.

Since the virus started, the only people he's seen are me, his mom and his daughter. As a couple, we did some kayaking and bike rides and visited a couple restaurants and bars, but always social distancing from friends or strangers. I have been to work a couple days a week, visiting with friends (social distancing) and traveling. He has not.

I think he's being OVERLY cautious, but his mom IS 91.

I do suspect that he's not comfortable being in MY house with my sons on Christmas morning in their PJs while I play "mom" and they unwrap their gifts. I get that. Fine. It will be different if they are in OUR house next Christmas and I'm making all our guests breakfast.

BF should be crystal clear on the topic of my Autistic son. If he doesn't know that I will be actively involved in his life for the duration, he hasn't been paying attention.

The_Upgrade's picture

Gift a knife, sever the friendship. But getting a coin back means you're selling a knife. But toss that in the same category as crossing yourself after seeing a black cat, holding your breath going past graveyards, etc

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture


I'm super happy for you and the success of your Christmas Smile