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Christmas 2019 vs. 2020

futurobrillante99's picture

Folks, it's like night and day.

This year is a complete turnaround from last year. HE decorated his house and is in pretty good spirits. NO STOCKINGS (last year he put up 3 stockings: himself, the late wife and their daughter).

WE have low key plans for Christmas Eve. WE will have breakfast with my sons on Christmas Day, spend time with his daughter, then visit his mom later in the day.

His daughter is leaving for a trip with her boyfriend on the 25th or 26th. We'll be watching her cat while she's away.

THIS is how it's supposed to work in a committed relationship when you have adult kids.

Our respective real estate deals are progressing, and BF told me Sunday that he is hoping that WE would make his second house OUR full time home in the next couple of years. I told him I felt the same way and liked the idea. He said when we were there, he could see US living there and....he thought it was the ideal place for a wedding. I agreed it was a great place for a wedding and I was open to due time. We talked about getting engaged. I told him I'm traditional and would want him to propose....and I'd want a simple ring. He said he can nail that one. I told him I don't want a diamond. I want a natural blue/green stone in a simple setting.

But the most important thing he told me was that if we make that house OUR home, he will take steps to make sure I won't lose the house if he's gone. He said we can work out the specifics, but he wants to make sure I have that security.

We have both REALLY enjoyed living together. It looks like that's something we'll continue doing into 2021.



justmakingthebest's picture

This just warmed my heart!!!!

I think he really is showing that he is ready to move on from his late wife and commit himself to you!

futurobrillante99's picture

Thank you. I must say that I really do enjoy coming "home" to him at night. I say "home" because it feels like home to be with him, but his current house is still his house with his LW. Now that he's buying another house, it's easier to be in his current house because I know it's temporary.

And yes, all signs point to him being finally ready to make a life with me without feeling guilty. Biggrin

Dovina's picture

Very heart warming. It seems all he needed was time to adjust and let go of his late wife  ie:in regards to her xmas stocking. It is also fabulous that his DD is making her own seperate life and enjoying time with her BF, and is independant from her dad. When that happens there is a balance, time with family and time with SO. 

Have a very merry christmas.!

futurobrillante99's picture

Thank you, Dovina.

I think his daughter's stability has helped him to feel good about letting go of some of the LW's things/traditions. I think he made a point last year to remember the LW because his daughter wasn't coping well with the idea of him becoming serious with me. I think he had to sort out his feelings of guilt and trying to protect her.

She's warming up to the idea and has spent more time with us now that her own life is fuller and happier. You're right - there is a better balance, now.

Merry Christmas!!

JRI's picture

This is great!  And, if his late wife loved them both, she would be glad they are moving on to enjoy life.

futurobrillante99's picture

I know she would be happy/relieved that they are doing so much better, now. They had a rough few years and last holiday season was no exception. I am sure this would make her very happy. By all accounts, it seems she was very warm, loving and funny.

BF has been making a lot of progress on unfinished improvements to his current house since he plans to be splitting his time between houses for the first year. His daughter will likely move into his current house this time next year, so he wants to wrap up some of the things he started and fix a couple things (2-3 years ago, he was working out of town for 3 months and the pipes froze and burst in the living room. He currently has no living room ceiling, but it was helpful when he went to remodel the bathroom last year as he had easy access to the plumbing.)

I KNOW the LW would have been heartbroken if she looked down on these two over the years since her death. I know because I would be gutted if my kids fell apart (like BF and his daughter did) after I passed.

Thank you for your kind words. Smile

CLove's picture

Presence instead of presents, lol.

SO glad that things have turned out as well as they have for you.

You know, you and I both have had a total "reversal of fortunes" since being on Steptalk.

Biggrin I see a correlation!

Enjoy and keep us posted.

futurobrillante99's picture

I do remember how things were for both of us not so long ago. ((Hugs))

This place and all our virtual friendships have helped tremendously.

I don't think I would have been able to escape my last relationship as quickly if it hadn't been for all of you, here. I was so confused with his mind games, I couldn't make sense of what was right or wrong.

I'm most appreciative to those who have sorted out their step family issues and STAYED. It's hard to know what's possible if all the people here are still struggling in toxic situations.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I am glad you're happy, but if my SO put up a stocking for his late wife last year, several years after his wife's death, I would have walked out the door and never looked back.

futurobrillante99's picture

I appreciate your input. I was very hurt last year and actually did break up with him soon after that. However, we had only known each other for 6 months and I think he was actually doing it for his daughter and not for himself. She fell apart when he told her he was serious about me. His late wife had been deceased for about 4 years at the time and neither of them was in a good place with their grief - they were keeping each other locked in an unhealthy cycle. He readily admits this to me, now, and the LW is no longer a concern. His daughter is no longer a concern.

The only issues we are working on now are communication and conflict management skills. We both need to improve the former and he needs to work on the latter.

Yes, I'm happy. Not stupid. Just happy.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I apologize, I sounded a little rude.   I am glad you guys are working through issues. I have followed your posts for years - I know you are not stupid!  

futurobrillante99's picture

It's okay Lamb. I didn't think you were saying I'm stupid. When things are going well, it might sound like I'm overlooking flaws, etc.

Thank you for caring. ((hugs))

futurobrillante99's picture

And lamb, if he had put that damn stocking up this year, with me living IN his house, that would have likely been too much for me.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Agreed.  As you already know, his adult DD who got upset that you two are serious is going to be a challenge in the future, as my middle-aged SDs have been for almost 20 years.

I get involved in nothing anymore. I just have a mantra I repeat to myself if necessary:  "I understand you wanting to make your daughters happy. Making your daughters happy will never come as a sacrifice to me, your wife."  That is working, for now.

futurobrillante99's picture

I don't see his daughter being a problem going forward, thankfully. She has a lot of friends and a life. I just think last year, things were moving too fast for all three of us.

I honestly think his daughter hadn't really thought that he'd get married again and it threw her for a loop. In hindsight, it makes sense.

I will remember your phrase "I understand you wanting to make your daughter happy. Making your daughter happy will never come as a sacrifice to me, your wife" in case it's ever needed. Thank you!

caninelover's picture

Glad things are progressing well for you.  It definitely helps that SD has a life of her own and it is wonderful that SO is letting go of his late wife.  Your life sounds well-balanced with both your sons and his daughter, and that is key.  As well as committing to making a home of your own together.

Merry Christmas and all the best in 2021!

queensway's picture

This was what you always wanted. I'm thrilled for you. I saw pics of your old home. You can decorate girl. The two of you can make a beautiful home together and life. Happy 2021!!!!!!

futurobrillante99's picture

Thank you friend. I'm looking forward to putting my touch on it. Happy holidays and hope your 2021 is wonderful.