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Almost Spring - update

futurobrillante99's picture

Life is good, once again. I'm back to the girl I was this time last year, but better. The light is back in my eyes. Anxieties are a thing of the past and I'm taking really good care of myself.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a month or more and he's helped me to clarifiy my priorities and goals, and reinforce my boundaries while also setting new ones.

I'm investing the most energy in myself and I am always asking myself first "Is this what's best for me?" I weigh everything against that thought, and I must say I'm doing a really good job of being true to myself and my needs. It feels wonderful and it SHOWS! BF and others have remarked about how happy I seem.

I'm still seeing BF. Today makes 10 months since we started dating. Even HE is in a better head space. Instead of ME being the "main source of (his) happiness" he is ALSO investing in himself and continues to hit the gym on the regular while doing projects around the house, running his daughter to doctor appointments and doing yard work. He's also been out on his bike prepping for a season of century rides (100 miles).

Last year, he just joined me in all my adventures and plans. This year, he's made plans that I can join him on. It's a nice mix of cycling and kayaking events.

Aside from putting myself first, the key change for me has been learning to truly live in the moment. I've "demoted" the relationship to "just dating." I'm no longer thinking about what the future may hold. I don't look at everything from the POV of us possibly living together or someday getting married. I'm still not sure I'd want EITHER!

With the help of my therapist, I'm in observation mode - not reaction mode. I'm gathering information and will be paying attention next month when the 5th anniversary of BF's late wife's death arrives.

I've told him I don't have any qualms with his memories of his LW but my hope is that his need to commemorate her special dates will decrease over time, but mostly that marking those days will no longer put him in a funk that stays for days. He has acknowledged what those days do to him and his daughter, and is committed to trying more positive ways of commemorating and not repeating the mood he had over the holidays in 2019.

I've also told him I understand if he needs to observe his wedding anniversary with the LW, but it's not compatible with what I need from a relationship. I need the person I'm with to be ready to start a new chapter and turn the page from the previous chapter. I told him I'm sorry that LW died, but their marriage ended that day and if he's with me, our anniversaries will take precedence. Remembering the first chapter is expected, but to constantly be turning back to the last chapter and spiraling into a funk over it isn't going to work for me. I think he gets it - we shall see.

The point of my post is not really about BF - it's about me. I feel like I've finally arrived at being my own best friend and champion. And I'm learning it's possible to put myself first and still have all my relationships thrive. Putting myself first doesn't have to deprive others of what a person would expect from a romantic relationship. It's a pretty radical realization that putting myself first can make everything better and help me do better in all my relationships.



ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Futuro.  This makes me really happy to read :)  You've really come a long way, and I'm happy for you!!!

futurobrillante99's picture

Thank you, PAI. So many good things await you and I look forward to hearing about them as you make your way ahead. I'm so incredibly happy for you. I remember when you were sleeping on your MIL's living room floor. I couldn't believe how patient and tolerant you were living like that. Then everything else you endured.

We're both now members of the "I'm married a narcissist and survived to tell about it" club. Welcome! ((hugs))

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

We are survivors :)  Thank you for sharing all your updates! I really hope I can move forward as well as you have!

futurobrillante99's picture

I would only urge you to pour yourself into YOU. But, I don't recommend dating as soon as I did. I wasn't ready.

The peace and joy I found a year ago is what attracted BF...............but it would also attract a narcissist. So, please beware.

I left XH2 in April of 2018, but I was only divorced for less than 6 months before I started dating BF.

What I failed to do for myself was to get into therapy to process what happened with XH2. I thought because I was overflowing with peace and joy, that I was doing all I needed to do. I was wrong.

If I could back 10 months ago, I would have enjoyed a friendship with BF until I had put a little more work into healing from what happened with XH2.

That's why I've demoted the relationship to just dating (BF doesn't know this). I know I'm still getting to know him and I'm still on the fence about ever living with a man or marrying again. So, I'm back to JUST having fun.

Still, I hope you'll take some time because you could attract another narcissist if you hit a low spot after your divorce is finalized.



ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'm working with my therapist already Smile She's been great so far! 

She warned me of similar and said to be super weary, I'm also at high risk of attatching myself to someone too soon due to how controlling the relationship was.

I am taking some dance classes though and trying to do some hobbies I genuinely enjoy right now Smile

advice.only2's picture

Really good news, with so much negative going on in the world right now it's nice to read about something so positive Smile

futurobrillante99's picture

Thank you, friend. The world's gone mad and I'm very thankful for anyone who can find something good to say or give a chuckle. Smile

Aniki's picture

I love reading this. It's positive affirmation that we should never stop learning and growing. <3 *give_rose*

Tin Can Zen's picture

You sound so positive and full of healthy direction! What a great result for so much personal work!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Congratulations on taking care of yourself! I hope to be able to say the same someday soon. Your story gives me hope. 

futurobrillante99's picture

It's been a long journey, Rumple. I think girls, in general, and girls born prior to 1990, in particular, have been given the message that our value is based on our appearance and how well we take care of those we love. Achievement was recognized, but so much pressure to be a "good wife" or "good mother" that it's really hard to figure out how to be part of a happy relationship while putting yourself FIRST.

The phrase seems so selfish and narcissistic because  many of us have been programmed to put our partner or children FIRST......all the time!

Putting yourself first doesn't mean you can't compromise or sacrifice. There are times when I would gladly give up something I wanted to do to be able to help someone I love. If you think about it, though, doing that IS actually being true to yourself.

However, I now know I also CAN say NO if I feel someone is manipulating me, taking me for granted, or if the thing they want from me is damaging to me.

I hope everyone gets to the point where they know how to maintain healthy boundaries. Don't give up!


Rumplestiltskin's picture

Thank you! Keep us updated please. Reading about how people have "turned it around" is very inspiring! 

CLove's picture

In all this bad news, good news is awesome.

Because we have curtailed our concert and festival activities (cancelations) we have discussed alternatives like me learning ches and poker (in-home game night anyone? Strip poker? lol)

I also want to get him out in nature - vs crowded areas. Spring is in the air and flowers are blooming everywhere.

He and I have the time now to focus on ourselves and each other, so thanks for the reminder Biggrin

theoldredhen's picture


My Dear Girl,

Looking back on our correspondence from spring/2018, I can barely believe that today's happy, healthy, upbeat futuro is the same person that she was back then. Damn straight, Hon, the futuro was brillante. What an inspiration you are!

I'm so proud to call you, "Friend!" Give rose