Wedding Plans
So fiance and I had a pleasant conversation over dinner on Friday discussing how we felt about when to get married and when to have a wedding with guests, etc. So we decided we will be getting married end of January, with a minister at an air bnb, and then in the beginning of 2022 we will have a wedding with guests to celebrate on the west coast where we will be living after May 2021.
On the 23rd while we are at my parents, they will be giving us a nice engagement celebration dinner at their home which I am excited about, but I know they will be asking about our wedding plans. At the end of the day I don't care how they feel about us having an intimate wedding with just the two of us, but at the same time I do hope that they don't give us too much grief over it. Both bf and I decided we are making the commitment to move to the other side of the country together and we don't want COVID to dictate how and when we get married, so we are not going to wait. I just know my parents are going to want to be there, etc. but to us it is not fair to have them when fiance's dad won't be able to come and my sister wouldn't be able to either, so rather than having some, we are going to have none, but video it like fiance did with the proposal so they at least can feel invovled in that way.
Then in 2022 when we celebrate with family and friends we still want something smaller, less than 50 people, and then we will honeymoon immediately after. My sister is coming to stay with us from 12/27/20 - to the first of the new year so after she leaves we are going to start looking at wedding bands and putting things in motion for the end of the month. Also going to add in when telling my parents that I am in fact not pregnant so we are not rushing for that :x What matters is that at the end of the day, fiance and I are on the same page with it all and are very excited for this next chapter! Also, fiance started pulling up some bands last night that he liked for me and wanted my opinion on, all of them where beautiful, but half of them were too big! I have small fingers to begin with and since my engagement ring is a pear (the shape we both liked), I do not have much room on my finger for a band without it going past my knuckle. I thought it was sweet he wanted to get me something really big and nice, but I was like love, have you looked at the size of my finger and the room left on it? :x
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Congratulations!
Just kindly announce to your parents what you plan to do. Its all about you and your fiance. Thats why DH and I eloped. Long story, but nobody on either side was happy about our marriage, so what? Here we are 46 years later. Lol.
Yes it really is!
I guess I feel a bit of pressure when first child and first grandchild to get married and I don't want to upset anyone. However, I think it is best to have none then some, I feel like that is worse. Luckily, everyone is super happy about us being engaged and even if they weren't I would say screw them because I am happy!
Remember, this is your
Remember, this is your marriage, no one elses. People can be sad or even mad that you aren't doing it the way they want you to- but at the end of the day, it isn't about them. It is about the 2 of you.
Hopefully with Covid people will understand why you are doing things like you are
This is true!
I just prefer to not upset anyone if I don't have to. Especially with COVID, I don't want to plan something to just be disappointed or feel like I am postponing our life together for just a party.
I think there might be some disappointment, but also understanding! I sure hope so at least!
We got married on our own
We got married on our own with only our two best friends to be witness and officiant, without telling anyone.
My mother was the only one who was really upset about it - I was actually surprised how upset she was. After all, I was 48, she'd had 3 other kids who already were married, and we saved her a lot of money! My father assured me that he wouldn't let her disinherit me, lol We had a nice dinner with around 25 people 6 months later, and involved her in the planning of it, and that seemed to help. I really never would have predicted that she'd be that upset, but she got over it.
My SS was a little upset too, he was 13 at the time - but once he found out no one knew, he got over it too.
Ah, I could see them getting really upset
when not being told ahead, but again it was about the two of you and not them so if that is what you wanted, then great! My parents originally asked fiance to let them know exactly when he was going to propose, but he ended up not telling them ahead because he didn't want any pressue on how soon after we would call, etc. sometimes it is nice to have private moments and celebrations.
Congratulations!
Congratulations!! Best wishes to you both...
My 2 cents.... Cut your parents and family some slack and try understand their disappointment. Once they have conveyed their feelings, you can let them know why you choose this way of getting married and the positive points such as there will be a video and a celebration in the future. It is very disappointing for a parent and for family to not be with a loved one for a large occasion. Try to understand that is where their responses are coming from, disappointment.
The comments of it's about you not them, really don't matter. When you are part of a family and people love you they are going to feel disappointed if they can not be with you. So in my opinion best to focus on trying not to hurt them and let them have their feelings and you still have your wedding. Why not Zoom or live stream??
How large is the celebration dinner? The Covid excuse may not fly if there is a large attendance at that. If it is just you, your SO and parents it works but any larger than that I really don't think it does.
Yes I get that
but at the same time it is about me and my fiance not about my parents.
Obviously they are going to be disappointed, just like they will be disappointed I do not want to be married in the Catholic Church like everyone else in my family has been. The reason I don't want to zoom or live stream is because then it feels very dictacted still around other people. I rather video it and then send it over to them afterwards instead of worrying about interacting with those on zoom or livestream.
My family lives 3 hours away at the closest and bf's dad lives 13 hours away. I don't think it is fair to invite my parents, but not his dad, etc. So personally, fiance and I want just the two of us and a minister, video it, and then enjoy our evening at the air bnb celebrating together
You most certainly can go with that thinking..
that is all about you if you choose too. I don't know your back story with your parents you may not have a good relationship or care to preserve it. I was going with the idea that if you were close and wanted to make sure there were no hard feelings and trying understand someone else's feelings.
From your response to me, your choice to be alone to get married has nothing to do with Covid, you are using Covid as an excuse to not have guests. You and your fiance want a private wedding and don't want anyone there irregardless of Covid as you stated the reason you don't want to zoom because it will still be like people are around you said. You might better be honest with everyone and tell them you aren't having guests because you want to get married alone and have a party later. I think being honest would work out better in the long run.
You didn't say how big is the engagement dinner?
Wait I think you
Are confused. My parents are throwing us an engagement dinner this Wednesday when we go up for the week for Christmas ... it is just my parents, two siblings, and us. The wedding, is indeed about covid, finances and the fact we are moving. We can't really plan a wedding from the opposite coast before we move nor are we going to shell out the money before we move when you never know final costs for that sort of thing. It is about covid because we can't have a wedding here and invite everyone we want (before may 2021) due to covid. Plus since fiance is military if we are married before we move, they will also move my stuff not just his. So rather then set ourselves up for any disappointment or possible postponing our future we are choosing to elope just us in January and have a wedding with guests in 2022. We don't want to leave people out so instead it will be just us and we will video it for those who wish to see.
My marriage is not about making everyone else happy and I do have a close and fantastic relationship with my parents, siblings and extended family. So there is nothing wrong with eloping and celebrating with everyone later rather than leave some people out
Maybe I am somewhat ...
You explain it a few different ways in your answers.you.... As I pointed out. You don't care what they think, then hope they are not mad... your only doing it this for Covid yet don't want to zoom because you don't want anyone there... Your answer is a mixed bag which lead me to the conclusion that I conveyed...
So back to my original answer. Present the good sides to the future wedding and reception. Understand their disappointment at not being there. Present the very good valid reasons you have for going ahead with the wedding now and your own disappointment that it can't be a big wedding now but it can''t. Don't go in with the attitude it is your life and wedding and you can do whatever you want. You can do whatever you want , everyone can but you came here for advice because you must want to preserve your relationship with you parents and family and how you present it is going to be key to them understanding and everyone, not just you being happy...
Also I never said there was anything wrong with eloping. You could just elope the old fashion way and tell them after.
Well
yes at the end of the day, if they are disappointed im not going to change the plans that me and my future husband decided on together, but that does not mean I don't care if they are disappointed. I'd prefer them not to be and be understanding on why we made the decisions we did. The wedding and marriage is about me and my SO, not my family. I do wish my family could be there, but since that isn't possible to have 40-50 people for an in person ceremony, I want an intimate ceremony with my SO. Doesn't make me an asshole or selfish. As the ceremony is about me and my fiancé, I want the focus on my SO, not spent on a zoom call. I love my family very much, but again it is not about them. I did not post this for advice, more of an update since some people did ask for updates on wedding planning and just saying I hope my family won't be upset about it. Just because I don't want them upset does not mean I need to change mine and SO's plans to make everyone else happy. We will celebrate with friends and family just at a later date.
I never said I was going into it with the attitude you are describing. You are reading into things that are not there.
Personally I think my family would be more disappointed to hear we eloped and tell them after versus giving them a heads up, especially when in two days they will be asking what our wedding plans are. You are acting as though my relationship with my family is going to be ruined over this. That is not remotely the case. I don't need advice on how not to ruin things with my family.
The conclusion is we are going to have to agree to disagree. I'm not going to call my parents weigh in on when me and my future husband should have kids, that will be a decision between me and my husband whether people agree or disagree with our decision or not. We aren't asking my parents to contribute to our wedding in any way so at the end of the day the decision on the matter is on me and my SO. I'm not going to get married in the Catholic Church either just because I know my grandmother will be disappointed that I am not getting married in the church. Just because I wish to not hurt anyone does not mean I need to go along with their wants to avoid it.
My bad I thought you were looking for advice ...
on not upsetting your family... I didn't realize that it was just an update ...
But one last note .... in thinking you were looking for advice I gave some about how you could present what you wanted to do and why you were doing it. If you were trying to keep everyone happy and not hurt anyone's feelings.
I never called you a name or said you should postpone or change your plans... I just offered advice on how not to upset people and still do what you want, not knowing you didn't want advice.
Finally, I formed my opinion from your words that totally revealed your attitude about your wedding. You can't seem to discuss it without mentioning that it's only about you and your SO. I was offering another way to look at it..... Unsolicited I know now.
Good Luck I hope it is all you dreamed of... and a sincere thank you to your fiance for his service and to you and your family becoming a military family.
Well I apologize for sort of popping off
Just was getting a bit frustrated because at the end of the day it should be about me and my SO, as many other users on here also said. Of course I'm not going in there saying we are doing it because that is what we want, I will be saying all the reasons why we are doing it the way we decided.
The reason I keep bringing up it is what me and SO want is mainly because I don't think I should be making it about everyone else.
thank you.
I get that and totally understand
where you are coming from. It is your day for sure and you did seem to care about how others would feel so I was just offering suggestions on how to present it so you could get their blessing while of course I know and get that you would still have your wedding as you choose. I was hoping to offer something that would help you to get their blessing so you can enjoy your day without thinking someone might be hurt.
On a side note I get the family thing. When my DH and I decided to get married when I told my family they flipped it into high gear and started planning EVERYTHING!! I had a been planning it in my mind for years so I didn't really want any help or only help with my plan. It never occurred to me that they loved me so much that they were just excited. It took years for me to realize that.
We planned our wedding over just a few months. Right after we set the plan, Heartbreaking..... My mom became ill very suddenly and died 2 months before my wedding. She was only sick for 6 weeks. One of my last emails from her was explaining why she was so excited about my wedding and why she offered suggestions but she knew it was my wedding. Heart wrenching to me to this day. I think when I read your post that is the place in me that my response to you came from and I felt compelled to respond. Our family loves us and of course most understand it is our life to do as we want but get disappointed, especially mothers and daughters when they can't share our moments. My offer of advice was unsolicited I know now but a hope for you to get their blessing and your day the way you want it.