Veteran SM's what do you suggest?
Bf's new lawyer had asked my bf to come up with a statement for why it is in his daughter's best interest to be primarily with him versus BM. Hopefully this week, if not next week, my bf will have the money to pay the retainer for this new lawyer, but we want to be 100% prepared with everything he has asked for once that happens. Bf asked me to assist him in writing this to include both of our thoughts and I am also better with putting his words in a more professional manner. At the moment, we have BM's several moves in the 20 months since separation, the rotation of roommates in her home, and BM's lack of continuing the child's educational and social interaction with peers as reasons BM's home is not stable or not the best fit. Are these good reasons? What other things should we be including if they apply? Lawyer already said it has to be factual, not emotional or opinion based, so just trying to make sure we cover all of our bases.
Also, we have the updated log of exchanges, log of BM's harassment regarding older child since court, log of activities on bf's time, with photo evidence. Is there anything else any of you SM's can think of would also be helpful? There is no guarantee any of this will be needed since until new lawyer thoroughly looks over the case files, we do not know 100% what he suggests to do. We will also be printing out text messages from BM too, so lawyer can suggest how to proceed with getting a cease and desist or a no contact, or something to stop her harassment. I keep saying we because I am the tech savvy one of us two.
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Isn't your DH still in the
Isn't your DH still in the military? I'm wondering if it will be difficult to make the case on moving when you guys will probably be moving as well?
I do think a revolving door of live in boyfriends would be relevant.
Is she getting her needs met otherwise with mom? is mom taking her to needed doctor/dentist appts?
I do think you will have a bit of an uphill battle because it is likely that BM will argue that your SD is better off not being separated from her sister.
Barring abuse (and unfortunately, I don't know if the whole other child situation will qualify with the court).. it is going to be an uphill battle against a BM.
He is, but he is getting out in
1.5 years. Plus due to this legal battle and him being in a non-deployable unit, until he gets out, there will be no moving involved. He got stationed here like 3 years ago, other than moving out of the home they rented on base, he has not moved once since then. BM has moved I believe 3 or 4 times in 20 months.
Mom has now been taking her to the doctor since July, but before then, no, instead if she thought she needed to go when she had her on her time, she would tell my bf at exchange that he should take her.
The thing I wonder that will be relevant or not is, older sister has had issues with biting and hitting younger sister, counselor said older sister displays symptoms of sexual abuse, day care told bf when removing them from day care following court date that the school was going to call CPS because of older child drawing blood, talking about death, etc. There are things with the older child where I believe the younger child would be best to be away from especially if BM does not handle. However, is any of that really relevant in the eyes of the judge?
I think we have a battle too since judge already ruled BM to have primary custody because not to separate sisters.
If I recall, the older sister
If I recall, the older sister is 4 yo.. and honestly, that kind of behavior is not out of the realm of normal behavior for a kid who has had some really stressful stuff happen in her short life. If the older child is outright abusing your husband's daughter and BM is unable to do anything or is making no efforts to protect the younger one.. then that could be grounds.
But honestly.. you are likely to get "kids will be kids' respons. I have scars from my younger brother to this day..lol. Siblings hurt each other.. have anger at each other.. but still can love each other. young kids act physically when they can't express feelings well. The older girl needs help.. especially to deal with her disappearing daddy... not that it's your DH's fault.. but the kid is hurting I'm sure.
I don't know that I would pursue any legal action on the heels of what you just went through.. save your money.
Yep she will be 5
this month. That is what I thought would be said too, so have not even listed any of it as grounds for not being better with BM.
I agree, personally I want bf and BM to just agree and have this done and over with. I also do not want bf screwed over though in terms just so they do not have to go to trial. However, could get screwed worse if go to trial. Either way it is ultimately my bf's decision, but I am with you on I do not think it is worth trying to go to trial, at this moment neither does new attorney.
Unless you guys have facts
Unless you guys have facts showing she is using/abusing drugs/alcohol and that the child is in immediate danger they don't usually take custody away.
I wish you guys the best of luck. My DH only got custody after Meth Mouth was arrested a second time. At that point he was given sole legal and sole physical. BUT he had to go to court every 3-6 months for 7 years to try and maintain custody. Even thought Meth Mouth kept getting arrested and put in jail/prison.
It was finally when Spawn was 17 that a judge told her she would not get full custody back and that she only had one year left and then Spawn could be with her full time.
Family court is a joke and they do not care about the children's best interest.
Yeah I have heard a lot of this too
and honestly think coming up to an agreement is probably the best option. Only worry we have now that BM is talking about agreeing, but also trying to get bf to take her older child is that BM might try and include or not agree unless he takes the older child too. Which is not happening. So just trying to be prepared for all avenues!
Does your DH or his family
Does your DH or his family have connections/golf with the local judge hearing the case? That might help.
Agree with the others posting that it's an uphill, costly, hard to win battle. It's almost like lighting money on fire.
No my bf
is not from here and his family lives on the other side of the country.
I am with you on that! I will support my bf in whatever he decides and until a decision is made help him where he asks me to until he figures out what exactly he is going to do.
I'd see if you can tie in
I'd see if you can tie in lying about "OSD" being BF's daughter could be included? That she knew that BF wasn't biodad but allowed both he and "OSD" to grow a bondinh relationship, only to strip it away when it was convenient for her? I'm not sure how you would word that, but something like "SD wouldn't be in this situation had BM either been upfront when 'OSD' was conceived because the relationship would have ended or BF was willing to maintain legal rights in spite of BM insisting on stripping them." That level of emotional abuse on ALL of you needs to be documented since BM knew - and you have proof BM knew.
I'd also include anything you can about her finances, work history, and general ability to maintain a home. If there is any provable history of drug use, or her admitting to drug use, that would be good, too.
I'd also include the positives of BF, too. Include that he has a job lined up post-military. Include that he hasn't missed any time and has taken mote. Include anything that shows his involvement, past and present. He could also include the school ratings, day care options, and suggested schedule with BM with SD to show he is thinking about SD and planning for her future.
And for the love of everything, DO NOT INCLUDE YOURSELF IN ANYTHING. You are technically dating a married man, and while we all know the situation, the judge won't. He'll see hypocrisy of BF going after BM for being a cheater and then look right at you. He has to show that he can do this WITHOUT you and that you are in no way steering the ship (UNLESS the attorney thinks your contributions should be mentioned).
One thing for you and BF to discuss, though, is how far he is willing to go with this. Attorneys will take all they can so long as you are willing to shell it out. At what point does he agree that the battle needs to end if he isn't "winning"? It's better to talk about that now than in the thick of it when emotions are running high.
That is something I have not thought of
but I think if we can find the right way to word might be helpful and supportive of my bf's position.
That is good advice too, not just focus on the negatives of BM, but the positives of bf and his ability to maintain a stable home.
Definitely will not include myself in any of it. I have stayed low key in regards to the legal/court details and will continue to do so. The only positive is if BM does try and use any bit of my bf cheating with me, she would need either me to be pregnant, video proof of us involved in sexual intercourse, etc. has to prove we have had relations without a reasonable doubt and she cannot do that. Still under the radar regardless, but when there is dna evidence compared to a "I have heard her first name from the kids, definitely not a leg to stand on. His old attorney's knew about me so there was no surprise in court and this attorney will know too so if he thinks it would help, then good, but at the very least he isn't thrown off if it ever came up in court.
We sort of discussed this the other day, but in a vague way. We will definitely be sitting down and discuss further once the new attorney is offically signed on and gives his advice.
As a stepmom, my sugestion is
As a stepmom, my sugestion is to let your boyfriend do the running around on this. Of course you will want to know what is going on and to stay informed even if it is just to make sure your name is kept off all documentation. If you are directly asked your opinion you can give it, but ultimately it is too easy as a caring woman to take on our partners burdens and to do their work for them. He needs to be making this list and getting the evidence. He needs to be online asking questions and finding answers. He should be the one who will be caring for this child if/when he gets full custody so he needs to be taking that responsibility on now.
I understand where you are coming from
I am not doing my bf's work or taking on his burdens. He is making the list and getting evidence, this is not a one person doing all the work. Actually he is doing majority of the work like he should be, all I am doing is asking for what they have come across that helps/not helps and typing up his thoughts in a more concise, better worded way. He is the one who has been and will be caring for the child. For 1.5 years he was the primary parent after they separated and I only help/helped when I want/wanted to. I know you are coming from a good place in your advice, but a lot of this does not apply to our situation.
I think the non-deployable concept
Is going to be a difficult one for a judge to get a handle on. Your BF has to go where they send him. He can be transferred to another unit.
If the judge was concerned
I am sure we could get written in there if he was to be deployed, this is what would happen clause. Based on he has not received new orders in 3 years and gets out in 1.5 years it seems unreasonable for the decision to be based on 1.5 years especially when that just keeps counting down.
TBH, I find it concerning
TBH, I find it concerning that this attorney wants your bf to fight for primary custody. 50/50 would be a more reasonable and realistic goal, but it's a common ploy for family law attorneys to encourage fighting for that elusive brass ring, because it's more lucrative for them.
Would your bf be satisfied with 50/50? Cheaper to fight for, and then he can continue to save money and collect documentation on BM for future battles. If he wins 50/50, BM will be lulled into a false sense of security and no doubt revert to type, which will provide more ammo for court. Just another pov to give food for thought.
I think she mentioned in a
I think she mentioned in a previous blog that he is going for primary since he ia moving in a year to an area where he has a job lined up when his military contract is up. Instead of fighting for 50/50 only to have to fight again, he os doing it all now.
He is not fighting for him to get primary custody
The lawyer was suggesting if they go to trial that my bf needs a statement of basically why he should get more time than EOWE which is the temporary order right now. 50/50 would only make sense for 1.5 years as we won't even be in the same state. BM apparently wants to move out of VA too, but who knows when.
I think 50/50 would at least be fair if we were to live here from here on out. We are having put in the decree about when he gets out that the schedule will transition to x,y,z to save money in the long run. EOWE is not whatsoever. I agree with you!
This is tough.. it will be
This is tough.. it will be really difficult to get more than 50/50. and.. you "can" work out a close to 50/50 plan of time.. if you take into account school breaks and such.
Unless he can prove her to be out right neglectful.. the 'well, I'm moving in away in 1.5 years.. so figure that she will be better off with us.. " I think pushing for 50/50 now.. then crossing the other bridge later.. when BM may have had more that you could document in terms of REAL issues with care... for example.. he should get her every extra second he can... document it.. then he can put in his request for FT parenting later.. "BM has needed me to take more than my CO time. She would have her at my home 5/7 days a week.. as such, I have already had her in primary custody and it's clear that BM doesn't have a plan for time that she doesn't have time to be her mom" etc...
That would be fine and dandy
if he had the money to throw away a year after the divorce and custody battle just ended. When about to move to the other side of the country, I can tell you that money will not be available to go through another custody battle like the one that has been being fought for almost two years.
The goal is to get what will happen in 1.5 years in writing this time around so he doesn't waste another couple thousand. Sure, we MIGHT have a better chance to get more in 1.5 years, but there is no gurantee the outcome will be any different then and it is just more time and money wasted.
It will probably come down to just agreeing, but again trying to prepare all avenues just in case.
Since the current order is
Since the current order is just the temporary I think you guys have a shot.
1) BM cheated on her husband and got knocked up. She has low moral character.
2) If you live in the better school district- that can help
3) He has stable housing, income and a support system
4) Get recommendation letters speaking to his ability to parent
5) Get something from him command saying based on the current world climate, there are no scheduled deployments for him over the next 18 months until he is out.
6) Bring pictures of your home to show it is clean, she has her own room, she has a yard (or if an apartment a playground). Picures of her dresser filled with clothes and of her toys.
Thank you for saying so
Ah, that is good wording to use "low moral character," I like it.
These are good suggestions, thank you! Definitely think getting his command to write up something would indeed help on that front.
Don’t think a GF is a support system
Sorry if the truth hurts. He still married. Some of us has been there so don't take it personally.
He should go for 50/50. I can not see a judge making him take a unrelated SD for visitation. He has no rights to SD.
Dont get into mud throwing
Harry, again not a clue where you get this information from
no one said anything about saying that I am a support system, not even once. Instead what was said was about me not being included in any way shape or form in the court/legal battle. So that is very much off point.
I told my bf that too, that I thought it was unreasonable for a judge to order or even try to order a child that he has no rights to being able to be included in any way.
He should include the fact
He should include the fact that BM left the kids with him for most of the time, and that once he filed a court petition, she kept the kids away from him.
I wouldn't get your hopes up that he will get more time than BM, but he might get more than he has now. I don't know on what planet a sibling relationship is more important than a parental relationship.
Lol this planet. One of the
Lol this planet. One of the deciding factors in my DH and the second ex husband of Meth Mouth being able to retain full custody was they agreed to let Meth Mouth have both kids together on the weekends she could see them, they also agreed to let the siblings see each other outside of time with Meth Mouth. The judge actually told them that he was viewing this as very favorable to their cases since it's cruel to rip siblings apart because of the actions of the parents.
But it's not cruel to rip a
But it's not cruel to rip a daughter from her father, got it.
Yeah that is absolutely absurd
family court is so twisted it is not even funny
Here is my concern...that you
Here is my concern...that you may eventually regret having her full time. That said...even if he DOES get primary (big if) that does NOT mean he can move with her out of state in 1.5yrs. Unless that's agree upon in the divorce/custody agreement, she could very well then prevent you from moving away. MANY of non-custodials have won that battle by the way. Big thing for you guys to consider.
Honestly 50/50 sounds more reasonable for now at least.
I do see
where you are coming from! The huge up in the air is the fact we KNOW BM wants to move out of VA, but we have no idea when. Before she was on probation and could not even leave the state. Now that is over and the trial is two months away so I really don't know when she is planning on leaving, but she has said she wants to leave.
No matter what happens, we are going to push for the details to be included in the decree/custody order of when he gets out so we do not go through this again in 1.5 years. That is why in all honesty, they were even possibly pushing the custody order to already be the holiday/summer and school schedule, because it is certain they will not live in the same state in the near future.
Unless you see BM in the back
Oh wow,,,so now there IS a trial. Super crazy and will cost a ton of money.
Unless you see BM in the back of the paddy wagon on her way to the clinker, custody will not change from BM to dad.
What is more cost efficiant is modification for more visitation. Reasons, Child is older, Child has requested more time with dad... Child has little friends in your neighborhood. Kids do best post divorce in 2 homes with 2 seperated dynamics. Child is happy and at ease in your home, Child has warm loving bonds with YOUU, Child will have more access to Paternal Grandparents IF Judge gives more time to dad, GP's are good citizens, loving, warm--church folk... ..it is always about the child. Child has pet she misses at your house. Stuff like that
Be careful to also adress 'activities'....which is usually step 2 for x to cause chaos in your home. DO NOT agree to running the child all over the state because mom signed child up 52weeks a year. MOM can do what she wants on her time. Dad does what he wants on his time. Cut/dry--next.
Last time BF threatened BM
Last time BF threatened BM about him getting full custody, she went for testing paternity and he now lost OSD.
If he attempts to take YSD away from her mother, BM will come up with something that will cause him to lose YSD too.
Why is he asking for full custody? Why not 50/50? Judge won’t like it that he went for full custody of YSD right after losing OSD. It will look very punitive.
He should and could get more time. That’s what he should go for, not full custody. And he has to fund a better lawyer. The one that insisted on fighting for full custody and then claimed that SO will get YSD full time, is a moron. SO lost OSD and has minimal time with YSD. He needs a better lawyer first
sounds like he has a new lawyer. I hope this one is less idiotic.
Nothung what you mentioned will qualify for custody switched to dad. But typical 50/50 is always a good shot
I think they are preparing
I think they are preparing now for the across the country move in 18 months. If they have 50/50 from the get go it is unlikely that the judge would take the kid "away" from mom and her 1/2 sister BUT if they have custody from the start they might have a better shot with the move.
Even if they have custody it
Even if they have custody it doesn’t mean they will be allowed to move a young child out of state. Unless they plan on making mom to lose all parental rights, they might be unable to move with the child
if they want custody so they can easier move away with the child, that could all back fire, the way it did whth OSD
There was a video on Youtube
There was a video on Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-LFevkioV4 Michele Lee Nieves coaching How to EXPOSE the narcissist in court... show this to your DH and attorney