Update: Court this morning
So I just got off the phone with my boyfriend, court did not go well. The judge said that he would not hear the pendente lite hearing today, it got scheduled for October 8. They go back to court on August 23 for the genetic testing hearing, whereas the results of the blood test are going to be presented which will show that the oldest child is not biologically his. Once that happens, my boyfriend will be taken off the birth certificate and lose his rights to her. Once that happens, it will prove adultery and the divorce will be finalized and in my boyfriend's favor. The BM and her lawyer are trying to fight this and say her story how she was raped, however since there is no police report, etc. it will be very hard for her to prove. She claimed before she never told anyone, today her lawyer claimed she told people which then those "people" would have to fly out from across the country, to VA to testify. Also, because the genetic testing has to be done, my bf is not going to see the children unless the BM allows him to. BM's attorney tried to ask for 8 weeks for the genetic testing to be done, the judge said definitely not, 2 weeks. Then BM's attorney tried to ask to have an extension to reply to the settlement agreement and said he just became her attorney yesterday. Where my bf's attorney said I confirmed with you two months ago you were her attorney, so no you don't get an extension. So apparently they sent a response, now today or Monday my bf's attorney will send a response and it will go from there. Either they will accept his counter offer or they will go in front of the judge then to mediation, etc.
The BM did not make it to court on time, after walking out of the court room, the BM was sitting on the bench. My bf approached her and said you have to let me see the children. She said she is afraid that he won't give them back, he told her he would, she said she wanted something in writing, he said they can't since the pendente lite hearing wasn't heard. So they discussed for 5 minutes in front of their attorney's, BM might let my bf have them for the day on a Sunday between now and then, I don't know.
Sorry my post is kind of rambling, but I am just having all sorts of emotions about the whole thing and am frustrated because there really still is not any answers, just more info of what could happen, but who knows what will happen.
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Welcome to the world of
Welcome to the world of Family Court.
Your BF should drop his case and agree to whatever BM will agree to, IMO. She doesn't really want him to lose rights to the older one, it's just her weapon to use. Agree to her terms.
I hate family court
and you as well as others have been telling me all along how terrible it is.
First he is going to try and have the adultery proved so he gets what he wants at least for the child that is his, etc. So August 23 when it comes to light to the judge that the one child is not his, will make moves for the divorce and hopefully it will all be done soon. However, it can very much go the opposite way too
To my knowledge, Adultery no
To my knowledge, Adultery no longer has any effect on a divorce, every state in the US has no-fault divorce. Has he been told it will make a difference to the court?
Yes his lawyer
brought it up in court and the judge said that since there is no evidence of rape, that BM would need xyz to try and prove it was rape. In VA allows fault divorce still.
How is “fault” divorce will
How is “fault” divorce will effect custody battle? It could effect financial aspect if they have properties and stuff but typically it does not effect visitation and custody rights
I see no point focusing on
I see no point focusing on adultery. He could get divorced regardless if she cheated or not. Why must he prove adultery?
Adultry typically helps/hurts
Adultry typically helps/hurts alimony being awarded.
And, if people are religious (big for Catholics), it matters.
Oh I see about religion. Didn
Oh I see about religion. Didn’t realize that.
I doubt he’ll get alimony from her if she has two kids at home.
She's going to try to get it
She's going to try to get it from HIM, and proving adultery could affect that.
Oh I see. That makes sense. I
Oh I see. That makes sense. I guess each state is different. Here you need to be married 10 years to get alimony. Don’t know how long they’ve been married.
This insane woman insults women who are actual victims of rape. If she was raped no way she’d lie to DH that kid is his
Again responding to all comments above
according to his lawyer, if adultery is proven, somehow it could give my bf what he wants which would be sole custody of the child that is his, plus then she can't ask for spousal support.
Which he already paid her for 13 months because the military told him to. I asked can he get that money back when she is the one who cheated, which he doesn't know the answer to yet.
I don't think it will affect
I don't think it will affect custody - but it would be great not to have to pay her alimony.
Even if he got ordered to pay her
I don't think it would be that long. He paid her for 13 months and they were married less than five years. But yes would be great to not pay another cent to her on those regards.
He doesn’t automatically get
He doesn’t automatically get custody. Adultery effects payments like alimony and it could effect property division, it doesn’t automatically means custody change
after less than 5 years he likely won’t pay alimony, he’ll pay CS if a kid stays with BM
Just sharing what the lawyer I suppose told him
but I don't believe anything anymore until it is the judge ordering it, etc.
His lawyer is delusional if
His lawyer is delusional if he thinks proving adultery and getting a "fault" divorce (as opposed to the no-fault that he'd already be able to get based on being separated for more than a year) will get him sole custody of the child. Just because someone is a bad wife doesn't make her a bad mother, and they're going to look at the best interest of the child, among other things. If his lawyer even said that I'd seriously think about getting a new lawyer. The spousal support, I don't know about - that makes more sense - but thinking he'll get sole custody over adultery is nuts.
Your bm is a hum dinger. HEY
Your bm is a hum dinger. HEY your lucky. At least your dh wasnt led to believe it was his kid for 18plus years like a lot of men are.
I suppose
however it still hurts him and he still thinks of her as his daughter.
Of course
Of course
I bet. I'm surprised BM would
I bet. I'm surprised BM would consider giving up child support for that child. I'm guessing she's hoping DH will give in because of the fear of losing the child, but it might backfire on her.
Trust me
that is what my mom said! I told her and I told my bf I think she is playing chicken thinking that he would give in to everything she wants to not lose rights to the child. The way it sounds is come August 23, he will not have any rights to her. BM has been using it as a bargaining chip and once it gets in front of the judge in two weeks it will basically be a done deal.
BM is on a power trip, 100% she is trying to control things, she's been proving that for the last month.
She may revoke his parental
She may revoke his parental rights and then try to get him to pay her to see the child anyway. She sounds capable of that sort of manipulation.
I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to do that
I would honestly have issues if she did that and he gave in however. Because it would be his ex keeps him on an emotional like leash or whatever. BM made her grave and now it's time for her to lay in it. Always the victim, never taking responsibility, finally she might have to.
I think she plays this game
I think she plays this game because BF said he is going to get full custody. She was afraid he might get full custody including getting a kid that isn’t biologically his. She is now trying to make sure she won’t lose at least one kid
Not excusing her terrible behavior but people do crazy shit.
At this point I’d drop full custody demands. He won’t get full custody of neither kid but he might have a chance of not losing his child (it’s not his biologically but he is still the father).
Unfortunately sometimes pushing hard dealing with insane people like BM and stupid judges, you got to play their game. Game is rigged. So you’ll lose if you don’t play by their rules. Sad but true
Yeah I would say
If he does not lose the child, BM is going to play on this emotional game of but she isn't yours for the rest of the child's life. She has proven this to be true and it is really sad
Yes, this is what I think,
Yes, this is what I think, too. And lawyers encourage this crap. Anyone would be anxious if they got served with papers saying their ex was trying to get sole custody of the kids. Throw in someone willing to lie, manipulate and hurt their kids, and you have parental alienation.
The original petition should have asked for 50/50 joint custody.
He tried to do the 50/50
in the beginnning and she wouldn't agree to that. The only thing she would agree to is her having them during the school year and him only holidays and summer. After that was made clear, him and his lawyer decided to just ask for sole custody because she wasn't going to budge
And he should have just
And he should have just agreed to what she was willing to do, and he wouldn't be losing his child.
No court will give him sole custody, his lawyer is an idiot.
ETA: OR, take the 50/50 request to court and have a judge decide. But asking for sole custody ramped up her crazy.
Even if he didn't lose her
I can 100% gurantee she would play with his emotions the child's whole life about her being another man's. In the month since she took them away, she has bragged multiple times about the child not being his. Thrown it in his face again and again. She tried to use the child as a bargaining chip. "At this time (child) is not part of the custody arrangement because you aren't her dad, but if you could support me as a co-parent, maybe we could work something out"
I know - but it really
I know - but it really started when he asked for sole custody. I don't blame him, he got bad advice from his attorney, but of course she's going to object and react to him trying to get sole custody.
This is true
She had a temper tantrum and now they are both going to pay for it. She is going to only get child support for one kid and he is going to lose rights to the child that is not biologically his. There is really no going back for either option. The genetic test is now court mandated.
Let’s face it not getting
Let’s face it not getting child support and losing a kid isn’t even in the same category. Ton of people raise kids without CS and she might locate bio father. Who knows. His loss is much worse. People on here said awhile ago he needs to stop full custody demands. And he needs to fire his lawyer before further damage.
Well - your BF acted on bad
Well - your BF acted on bad advice and threatened to take her kids away, which didn't help any.
His lawyer sounds a bit wacko
His lawyer sounds a bit wacko. First he says BF would get full custody because BN cheated. So very untrue. Second of all there is no basis of going for him getting full custody regardless if she cheated. He had very little chance if any.
Asking for full custody was a very dumb move.
It doesn’t matter if she agreed to 50/50 or other arrangements or not, it was a judge to decide.
Also if his lawyer starts pushing for at fault divorce due to adultery, BM can have same counter-claim. In a state of VA having a significant other while legally married (regardless of live together) could be considered adultery as well. So if they both commuted adultery according to VA laws, he can’t claim “at fault”
I agree with you on the
I agree with you on the lawyer. Adultery=sole custody is ludicrous. Asking for sole custody (as opposed to 50/50) is silly unless the mother is unfit. Sounds like a lawyer who is trying to line his pockets.
“In Virginia, you are married
“In Virginia, you are married under the law until the divorce is final. ... Even if you and your spouse are separated, dating before your marriage is dissolved can be used to help prove marital misconduct duringyour marriage.
Virginia Adultery Laws and Dating During Divorce”
BF pushes full custody, now BM will took a kid away from him. if BF keeps pushing adultery, she’ll make a counter claim that he commits adultery just as much. More he pushes, worse if gets.
He needs to stop pushing and maybe get a new lawyer, this lawyer is a bit off
He's already switched lawyer once
and isn't going to be doing so again. It took almost 2 months for anything to happen when he switched before, it has already been 1.5 years before everything was filed and this process started, getting a new lawyer would just drag this out even longer
She has a good point, what if
She has a good point, what if BM counters with the fact that he's committing adultery with you?
Perhaps the best plan would be to agree to the NCP schedule and reasonable alimony, if she gives him custody time with both.
Well she doesn't know I fully exist
she knows, but no proof. His lawyer knows I exist, so I don't think he would be persuing that avenue if he thought it was going to f*** him.
Since papers were filed a 1.5 years ago with her at fault then and I did not know him until months after, I am assuming his lawyer would go at it from that angle that he filed x amount of time before and the BM was indeed guilty of adultery then. Honestly, that's the only angle I can think of. BM could accept my bf's counter offer which was 50/50 which is what his lawyer is sending today or Monday and then all that would be done anyway.
It’s not hard to prove that
It’s not hard to prove that he had a girlfriend for a year. Definitely an easy thing. Not saying she’ll bother but it’s not hard. Not only had a GF but kids were spending time with a GF etc
If he already filed for divorce a 1 and a half years ago with her at “fault”’ they’d be divorced by now. Isn’t “at fault” divorce helps to expedite things?.
That lawyer
At the time, had said if my bf went through with it then he would risk lose custody of the child that isn’t biologically his. So he changed it to no fault. I saw the papers that were sent of my bf saying she committed adultery etc and then her attorneys reeponse was the child was a product of tape. Etc.
Oh so his lawyer said he’d
Oh so his lawyer said he’d risk to lose the child but now he is in the same risk again. Maybe it’s a different lawyer. What a mess.
I know that it doesn't feel
I know that it doesn't feel like it, but 2 months until the next hearing for visitation is fast in court standards.
He needs to keep requesting both the children (if that is what he wants) weekly at a minimum and in writting- text and email. Let her keep denying him parenting time. It hurts like hell but it pisses a judge off. Which a pissed off judge is a good judge (when they are pissed because children have been witheld from parents).
Well so if they can agree
Or she is found guilty of adultery, they won’t even go to trial in October. The genetic hearing is in two weeks so that’ll really point what direction things are going on from there.
I will definitely suggest he do that! I mean this judge seems okay so far when he is shutting down bms lawyers request to extend the time periods etc
I agree, you just have to
I agree, you just have to keep asking to see the kids even if she turns him down. I’m amazed she wants to go down the road that he’s not the dad of the other child. Shocked that she doesn’t want the child support.
Divorce from mean women can be so incredibly difficult. And in the meantime, hopefully your boyfriend takes some parenting classes to learn other techniques besides spanking since this was used against him. Other techniques will be of service to him in the long run.
I hope both of you can stay strong doing this difficult time. I went through court hearings with my husband and his ex-wife. It was not fun and gives me PTSD even thinking about it all these years later.
This story is a classic
This story is a classic example of shooting himself in a leg with help of a crazy attorneys.
After a year and a half of separation pushing for “at fault” divorce is unwise especially after short marriage and both parents not being wealthy by any means. Pushing to make her “guilty” of adultery is pointless. Pushing for full custody without any proof of their mother being unfit is not wise either. Of course after he says I’ll take away both kids, she was bound to respond “one isn’t yours, you won’t take her away from me”. Did he think she’d be ok with it?
BF made a lot of decisions that weren’t thought through and fired by his feelings of hatred for BM and unfortunately it might not end well for him. Much of it cannot be changed, too late but maybe he can try something like backing off a bit.
At the end kids are suffering, as always
It's not a criminal
It's not a criminal proceeding but a judge can and does grant a divorce based on fault...it still happens and YES it can be of advantage monetarily, etc.
Not sure how old the older child it- but I honestly feel sometimes it's best to just walk away when a kid is proven not yours. You'd be surprised how many men wish they would have instead of being made the bm skids punching bag financially/emotionally for a kid that isn't even yours.
What monetary advantage? They
What monetary advantage? They’ve been only married few years, neither owns properties or is well off.
Yes they could divorce based on her fault but what’s in it for him?
It won’t effect CS and he likely wouldn’t be ordered to pay alimony after short marriage.
His attorney adviced him to go for “at fault” because that would guarantee him getting full custody of a kid. That’s very untrue and makes zero sense