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Update: Black Eye and BM never being able to take responsibility for anything

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Okay, so if you read my blog earlier this morning you would of read that when bf picked up SD yesterday, she had a black eye and said her sister elbowed her in the face (BM’s older child). If you read my past blogs you would know this is not the first time BM’s older child has hurt SD that results in bruises. So after talking this morning, bf and I decided to message BM in the app addressing the black eye, basically so if BM tried to call CPS and say it happened at bf’s house, that we have proof it did not plus served as a warning basically because next time we are calling CPS. See below bf’s message to BM addressing this, sorry if you read it on my last blog, I put them here again, but then will have updated messages below.

 

Bf sent a message to BM now saying:

 

“(SD)’s black eye from her sister worries me. In the past year she has had bruises on her face, bite marks, etc. and now a black eye. She’s 3, she shouldn’t be getting black eyes. You will be primary custody after the summer and on the week on week off schedule you have not been able to protect (SD) from her sister hurting her, so I don’t know how you will be able to protect her when you have her full time. I am not sending this message to discuss this, there is nothing to discuss, but as her mother you need to protect her on your time because I cannot”

 

And BM responded saying:

 

“I understand. Kids do get bruises. (Sister) has not bit her in over a year. They were rassling as kids do and she rolled into her elbow. I didn’t have time to fully explain it wasn’t maliciously received. (Sister) has had her fair share of bites and bruises. To be fair (SD) does run into things and fall. It’s not (sister)’s fault that she does those things. She has received one slight bruise over the countless times she runs to fast and trips. This is me setting the record straight and also not up for discussion, I trust we both do the best we can.”

 

WELL

 

A black eye is not caused by rolling into an elbow

We don’t ask about the bruises that are from playing/running into things/falling

This is not one slight bruise, it has been multiple times which we have photo evidence and discussion about in the app

This is not a bruise from running too fast and tripping

 

P.S. I think she means wrestling? I wrote the messages verbatim, so all spelling, etc. mistakes are because she is an idiot.

 

Bf responded and this will be the last message to BM on the topic:

 

“You are not setting the record straight. There is photo evidence and messages in this app to prove the biting statement is false. Kids do get bruises, I don’t ask about those or even bring them up. However, kids do not get a black eye from rolling into an elbow like you are stating or the other bruises she has had on her face, etc. which you admitted was from her sister hitting her. Again all in the app about those incidents. That is all I have to say on the matter.”

 

NEW MESSAGES: We were originally not going to respond to whatever BM said, but unfortunately, bf did and they go back and forth a couple of times

 

BM: “Well I assumed wrong. Regardless (SD) bruises easily. She always has. Not to say I wont step up my game. But your slightly accusing me of something you know I would never lift a hand. I don’t even spank her because I don’t want to be accused of anything. Possibly she could have gotten the bruise from a million other things. I assumed it was when she rolled pretty hard into (sister)’s elbow. I could bring up the fact she cowers behind a door with wet panties because she says she gets in trouble for accidents. I would never on earth do that. That is shaming a child. So please step back. I would move heaven and earth to protect my kids. I really try to stay clear of accusations now that things are settling. But this rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t agree with your methods but I get separate households. Remember we are her parents and should not be dwelling on petty things.”

 

BF: “First of all I wasn’t accusing you of hurting her. I was stating you need to watch out for (SD) because her sister beats up on her pretty bad. Also when she wets her underwear, she gets upset because I give her a 3 minute time out for it and I take away any TV for the day. She knows when she needs to go potty. She is potty trained very well. The times she has accidents are when she is being distracted and doesn’t want to go potty. So yes she does get upset because she knows better and I hold her accountable for her actions.”

 

BM: “That being said I’m aware. (sister) has a lot on her plate dealing with rejection so yes she was lashing out for a time. But she has improved lot and I’ve been on top of it. The behavior on both sides was never tolerated. Thankfully (SD) is a good natured child. So it’s easy to put her in time out or discuss bad behavior. I have a tougher job with (sister). But believe me I’ve been stepping up my game as I noticed for a time there was aggression and jealousy. Thank you for the explanation. I know (SD) fibs sometimes so I feared the worst. Also since we are on the topic. How do you handle her constant demand for tv, Disney, and media. She goes into royal fits when I confiscate it or tell her no. I obviously don’t let her unless its part of our schedule but I don’t know how to get her to stop screaming about it. It’s so bad I’ve thought of getting rid of the tv.”

 

BF: “If you want to blame someone for the rejection and the behavior problems, then look in a mirror. I will no tallow you to place blame on me for your actions. Not one bit of that situation is my fault. My concern is for (SD) and since now you are claiming you don’t even know if the black eye is from rolling into an elbow or what it is from, clearly you are not paying enough attention. Also with the T.V. I do a few movies with her on the weekend together as a family. Other than that maybe a show twice a week during the work week. She has never had a fit with me. Idk why she does with you. I’m not blaming you or saying you’re a bad parent but maybe she just knows 100% I will not tolerate temper tantrums. If she threw one with me she would not have T.V. for a long long time. I tell her you’re done with tv and then proceed with either an art project, coloring, or getting her ready for bed right after I turn it off. She’s probably trying to make you give into her while she knows I will not. I remember one time she started to cry and get upset about me denying her tv to which I told her if she didn’t correct her attitude I would gladly correct it for her and she ever gave me attitude with it again she would no longer have tv privileges. She has not give me any problems since.”

 

BM: “Do not throw that in my face. I was explaining issues in regards to (SD). I never removed your rights. I’d have to change the birth certificate. Regardless I saw them playing around shortly after the tussle I saw redness and I iced it for at least 10 min. The rest of the day it was slightly red I still iced it again. The bruising showed up in the morning and my first thought was great now you will think I was neglecting (SD). I didn’t think it was that hard. They were playing monster and (sister) got hit harder and didn’t bruise at all. As to her fits maybe its because I’m a mom and also a woman vs. a male figure. I don’t cave to the fits just send her to sit it out. Maybe taking more tv away would help. I believe if she knew the answer and discipline was the same on both ends it would probably stop. Which is why I asked.”
 

BF: “You took rights away. Don’t bs me. Enough said on the topic. I’m not the one with behavior problems with (SD). I told you what to do. Has nothing to do with me being male. She knows what I expect from her and she knows I will hold her accountable. That’s the bottom line.”

 

BM: “There is no bs. I looked you dead in the eye when you filed for divorce and told you the truth. You still chose to keep (sister) until I made it difficult. All by yourself you removed your rights. I never took them. I saw the person you really were. So I made the right choice. End of discussion. I will work towards maintaining accountability with (SD) and of course do my best as to her wellbeing. Its always been a priority”

 

BF: “You’re the one who requested the genetic testing and removed my rights, I did not. It’s not on me it’s on you no matter how you twist it. I’m done taking your jabs. I’m done talking about anything other than the welfare of (SD).”

 

BM: “There was no jab to being with. You continued to say I was neglectful etc… I explained where I was at with the situation and you immediately concluded I was placing blame. No. Actually saying I was aware and handling and moderating the situation involving past issues and currently. I do not have ill will towards you or your decisions. It is over and done with.”

 

Finally the end of all the messages. BF isn’t answering her back, there is no point. Anyone want to count how many times in those messages she lied? Well I will tell you that the story about how the black eye happened changed once since yesterday, then twice today. Plus, yesterday she said she only put ice on the eye for 2 minutes because SD didn’t want it, then today it was 10 mins and then iced it again. Then she says I didn’t take rights away, then says bf took them away himself, then says she made the right decision taking them away because she realized who my bf really was, but one truth we found out is she definitely did not change the birth certificate. However, if she never took them away her lawyer would never of not put that child in their divorce because it would be illegal to do so… Like I just can’t wrap my brain around the number of lies and inconsistencies this woman tells. What cracks me up the most is then she asks for parenting advice on SD and TV… Like can you not figure out how to parent on your own? The behavior she described neither myself or my bf have every witnessed from her. Plus the cherry on top is her trying to say maybe it is because she is a woman she acts that way. No, BM that is not it at all. I am a woman, not even her mom and she never behaves that way towards me when bf is not around, she accepts the word no from me and moves on.

 

Also, when bf brought up this issue of injuries caused by SD's sister in January, BM said she was aware and handling it, that was six months ago and clearly it is still not handled. 

 

Sorry it is so long, but just couldn’t not share the stupidity going on

Comments

tog redux's picture

Those type of messages are why DH no longer responds to BM and why he stopped any effort at co-parenting.  She is not rational, and there is no reason to try to communicate with her, she can't do it.

(gotta say, though, the time-out and losing TV for a day is kind of harsh for a 3-year-old for toileting accidents).

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I mean yes and no on the harshness of it, she will be 4 next month and transitioning classrooms and they are supposed to be 100% potty trained. She never got discplined for accidents until it was 3 months of no accidents and then she did it a few times because she didn't want to stop watching the tv so she peed her pants. She has not peed her pants since then. Plus, no 3 year old needs to watch tv every day anyway. 

Harry's picture

This does not remove his responsibility of being this child's father.  He is one of SD two parents. He has responsibilities to keep her safe.  And to parent this child to grow up to be a good, functioning adult.   
How he does this, with the BM handicap,  is something he must figure that out.

Just be careful that you done get to involved, where everything becomes your fault.  Because your SD will always believe her  mother. That her BM 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

BM has another child that she removed bf's rights to becaue he is not biologically her father. That is what all that is about. Bf is not trying to not be a parent to his child (SD).

Bf is trying to keep SD safe which is why this message strand was basically warning BM if she cannot stop her older child from hurting SD we will call CPS to investigate because it has been going on for quite some time and it is clear she can't handle it

justmakingthebest's picture

Sooo much tit for tat with those two!

It is super hard to do, but he needs to not let her side jabs even enter in the conversation. This is all still semi-new and the pain is still very real, so I understand everything he said. 

Stick to the topic at hand and don't address the mess. DH will re-write and email to BM 6 times before he sends it, making sure that it is only fact, no emotion, no rabbit holes. Just facts for transportation, medical or school. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is how BM and DH were too at the beginning. Back and forth - ugh. It was awful.  She clearly enjoyed it. 

 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Was just send a message of basically warning, while also addressing that the black eye occured at BM's house just in case, and that was supposed to be that, but what BM said got under his skin so ended up being more than that. However, he didn't respond to her last message and we both agreed there will be no more messaging except for what you just listed. Bf covered his ass by saying what he intially messaged and then if it happens again, we will just make the call, there will be no contacting BM about it.

That's a good idea! 

MissK03's picture

I agree with the said above. That conversation veered off topic the second she asked for parenting advice on SD with the TV. It takes time to get away from the back and forth crap. Try to keep them short and sweet. 
 

Also, I wouldn't expect her to "parent" they way you think. When BM was searching for things to text my SO recently she asked him (these are her exact words) "how can I help with SS16 and getting him to do his work?" He is going to be a senior in high school!! Little late are we........??!! When an email from school gets sent is when she pipes up about school work and tries to act like she's involved. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

it definitely did!

 

Bf and I just made an agreement that unless it is trying to schedule to talk to SD on the phone, then until his summer visit is over with her, there is nothing that needs to be communicated to or with BM about. Unless in case of an emergency with SD, but other than that, nothing. If she is moving she is to notify bf by written notice via mail. So there is no communication that needs to be done outside scheduling phone calls, but that will be short, sweet, and strictly that.

 

Omg that is crazy! That is kinda like BM in this situation she tried to act like she had been taking SD to get her updated on shots, etc. then we got the shot record and BM hadn’t gotten SD the shots she needed. Blows my mind!

MissK03's picture

My only advice (because I still find myself doing it) she will contact, you will get mad at SO for responding, try to not get upset because we did not have control of what BMs send. We have to trust our SOs to do right by us. I'm still struggling with this and it's been over two years of skids being with us full time. I do trust my SO will do right (which he has proved) by me and our relationship but, it has lead into many many arguments. I cringe every time BM is brought up. 

fakemommy's picture

My DH would never go back and forth with BM this much. Gotta learn to let BM have the last word.

Also, BM is right. You shouldn't shame and punish children for accidents. What if the accidents were due to sexual abuse? This is a common reason. This isn't a good solution.

tog redux's picture

I agree - rewards for accident free days are a much better method.

simifan's picture

The back and forth is ridiculous. This is just feeding the monster. Your BM is High Conflict. She lives for this nonsense. 

DH - "Please watch the children playing together more closely, this is the X time SD has been injured by older child." 

BM:: blah, blah, blah. 

DH - "Please watch the children playing together more closely, this is the X time SD has been injured by older child." 

BM - blah, Blah, Blah 

DH: "Please watch the children playing together more closely, this is the X time SD has been injured by older child." 

 

 

ShadowAthena's picture

If she's in danger, keep her with you where she's safe. 

Ask her if she feels safe around her sister, I know she's 3 but she's clearly not safe and BM isn't doing Jack shit to keep SD safe.