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Trying to not be too sensitive - Advice wanted

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

So I am pretty excited that it finally got approved especially since we leave Monday. I am looking forward to finally meeting bf's dad, but at the same time crossing my fingers that it goes smoothly. What I mean by that is bf has warned me that his dad tends to say things he shouldn't and he hopes that his dad does not bring up BM and the child he lost rights to. If anyone remembers a while back I said it frustrated me that bf's dad kept texting bf and asking about BM's older child even though bf had asked him not to and I wish he wouldn't because it was really upsetting to bf. It has been a few months since his dad brought the child up, but bf also has not seen him in person in about 3 years. Obviously, I prefer him not to bring up BM, but he also has not seen bf since the divorce got finalized, etc. so if he asks about that I totally understand. When taking the dog for our long walk yesterday, bf expressed to me that he really hopes his dad does not bring up these topics and upset me. I told him I am really just hoping his dad's house doesn't have photos of bf with BM around his house since that will be where we are staying. Bf said he doesn't think so, but he hasn't been there in years. 

Now I know it is bf's dad's house so bf has no control of what photos are around the house or even what bf's dad says so I am trying to come to terms prior to the trip with these things could happen and to not be sensitive about it. Plus his dad has a B-12 deficiency which can lead to memory loss problems, which in a way is funny because I need to go back to my doctor soon to get testing to confirm whether or not I have the same issue and need a minimum of a monthly shot to get where I need to be. I also know from bf that his dad STILL brings up his first ex-wife (dad's ex wife) and bf's mom was his dad's third wife (she's also an ex-wife of his now) so to the dad these topics are just normal.

UGH just trying to put my emotions to the side ahead because there is the possibility of these things happening and just want to be prepared. Plus if anyone read my last blog, there is family drama that could happen by seeing relatives bf does not want to for good reasons and the possibility of running into BM and her family. I think what is making me a little anxious is we have been together over 2 years now so to just meet his dad after so long I just don't want bf's baggage clouding the time there. I know I chose to be with a man that has been married before and has a child etc. and I have came VERY far with the insecurities I had on being with a man who has already done those things, but I think until we get married and take some more of the more serious steps in our relationship I will still have a tiny sliver of those feelings. The other part that makes me anxious is I come from a pretty normal average family, we are very close, there are one or two outliers, but still get invited and there isn't any in your face drama, or anything like that, but bf's family is so different from mine so it will be very strange.

At least after being there Monday - Saturday morning we are going and spending 24 hours in a city I wanted to go to while there that is 3 hours away and we have reservations/tickets for those things so there is that to look forward to. I really am looking forward to finally meeting his dad and seeing where bf grew up, but it is such a small town/area that there is possibility for some drama on the trip.

Any advice or background on what they have experienced when meeting their SO’s relatives and they brought up BM and other things that you don't necessarily want to hear about/talk about. I mean it COULD go well and this be a non-issue, but as I am an overthinker I rather be prepared ahead of time than be blindsided.


Iamwoman's picture

That is a lot to be apprehensive about, which is understandable. It sounds like bf's dad is a boundary crosser.

DH's family was pleased to meet me. They all hated Maggot and was glad to see DH divorce her.

That being said, DH's mom uses people. Given my family's money, I'm sure her eyes lit up with possibilities of what she could get from her son once he married me. Sadly for her, my parents keep their money to themselves, and while all of my cousins graduated to the gift of massive trust funds, my parents decided my siblings and I would receive our trusts when they are dead and until then they live off the dividends.

Hiw disappointed my MIL must have been to find out that I have struggled from poverty to lower middle to middle class all on my own and have nothing to dispense to her.

Advice for you and your bf: politely excuse yourselves form the room if you feel a personal boundary has been crossed.

Photos of BM? Well, that's a touchy subject as it's not your house, but if you do see any, bf can easily use that as an excuse to no longer visit his parents.


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

his dad means to be necessarily, but just speaks without thinking about it? 

I mean I know his dad is excited to meet me, he has mentioned it a bunch of times to bf, was disappointed when we had to cancel our trip there last month, and he added me on facebook, wished me a happy birthday, etc. Nicely reaching out without being too much since we have not met. A few months ago his dad had surgery so we sent him a box of stuff trying to cheer him up, including some photos of SD and us, so maybe when he got those, if he had any of BM, etc. he replaced them with the ones we sent him? I guess we shall see! Personally, I really didn't want to go back to his hometown and meet his dad until everything legal was settled, plus since we have been together his dad has had a couple surgeries, etc. so wasn't really in the shape for a visit anyway.

Wow, that is impressive! Good for you!

I think excusing myself from the room is definitely a good idea and what I thought was probably best.

Picardy III's picture

A note on photos with BM: my in-laws have excellent boundaries and give BM zero room in their lives and events - but there are a few family photos she's in that they couldn't really remove: a few whole-family wedding photos from over a decade ago.
I don't particularly like seeing BM's grinning face in their homes, but totally get it. You can't erase all history. Now, any photos of DH and BM together, or focused on BM, would be a different story.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

there is no whole family pictures or anything like that with bf's family. I totally understand those too, but I don't think there is any that exist

That totally makes sense! I mean at the same time I hope for bf's sake there are no photos of BM's older child because that would be hurtful to bf.

justmakingthebest's picture

I can totally understand your fears. I hope that your Future FIL is wonderful to you and sees that you are good for his son and that you are both happy and stable and have a plan for your future together. I hope that this is a lovely visit and you get a chance to know his family. 

Harry's picture

If FIL wants to be responsible to you and your SO. He would put away a photos of BM .  And not say anything about  her to you.   Anything else as pictures of BM , asking questions about children in front of you is disrespectful.

Other people can and do that.  All questions are only with SO with out you knowing about it. Letter, text , not in person 

BethAnne's picture

I'm glad that you are thinking this through before you go. I think it would be benificial for you two to start working on set phrases to shut down and move on from these conversations that you do not want to have. They are going to keep coming up and preparing for it being inevitable rather than trying to ignore avoid them is a good idea.

Most people are not bringing these conversations up from a place of malice. There will be those who are completely ignorant, such as the guy at the gym. There will be those who are curious and trying to be friendly but who misstep such as the mother at the party. And there will be the close friends and relatives who have also lost a child in their life by BM's deceptions who want to sympathize and check how both girls are doing and how your boyfriend is coping with everything, like his father may. 

Your boyfriend may even surprise himself and want to have a more open conversation wtih his Dad about how things are going for him. There is something that being face to face with our parents that can help us open up about difficult topics that are too hard to broach on the phone. Or his dad may know not to talk to his son about things, but want to check in with you to see how his son is doing in general (as it is more "acceptable" to have emotional conversations via a woman than man-to-man for some). 

Some general phrases that either of you could adapt and use with his Dad are:

It has been hard, but we are trying to focus on the future. We are pleased to have the legal side of things finished and are working on adapting to the new routine and planning our big move. It is too painful for boyfriend to talk about it all right now but he is coping ok with it all and focusing on DD/his work/our move. I haven't really interacted with BM and so I don't know much about it. I would rather not talk about that. I would rather focus on positive things than talk about BM/ex-sd. 

I am sure you can come up with more relavent/natural things that you could say than I can. 

Then I would have other topics to bring up with his dad to move the conversation on. Find out what some of his hobbies and interestes are from your bofriend. Ask about his side of the family, where he grew up, his work, his house, his pets... Talk about the weather or his house, garden or what's on tv. 

I get on very well with my parents in law. They were just pleased that thier son was happy and in love with a sane woman who wasn't causing drama all over the place. They made a lot of effort to make me feel welcome. I bet your boyfriend's Dad will feel the same.