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Totally none of my business, but I think BM

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

dropped off her older child somewhere for the summer, so she could enjoy a child free party summer. The reason I suspect this is because:

1. BM in 30 days has called 3 times to talk to SD after she had tried originally to have bf agree to a call schedule of twice a week... bf never said no to twice a week, he said no to a definite schedule that we would have to revolve our summer around

2. During all 3 phone calls, SD has not talked to her sister one time, but BM was so dead set on making sure in the PSA that it says reasonable phone access to her sister

3. BM has not tried once to see SD, but before the exchnge on June 1 said how she wanted to do day activities with her, x,y, z and bf did not say no to this, he said he would revisit it when she gave definite dates, she has not mentioned seeing SD at all

4. BM's instagram came up on one of my friend's feeds as "suggested" which is a public account that shows her hanging out with big groups of people, no posts of her older child, except a few days after June 1 and with the child's grandfather who lives states away. Which I wish my friend did not tell me actually because I also found out that someone posted about BM saying how she is a "survivor," "single mom who faced impossible challenges," "abuse survivor," etc. Which really irritated me because of the straight up lies that are posted which just confirms what we already knew. AKA that BM is playing a victim card and spreading terrible lies about my bf that are not even remotely true. I let it bother me for like ten minutes then I let it go because anyone who believes this woman is clearly stupid or a bad judge of character so therefore, I shouldn't care.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what she is doing or if she did drop the other child off for the summer, what matters to me is that BM would not let bf have primary custody, but very clearly BM is not interested in being a mom. Personally, I think it all was about being spiteful to bf and so she could pull the "I am a poor single mom all by myself" card, but realistically she doesn't want to put any effort in beyond that. 

I am glad she is not blowing up bf's phone as a result of this, but makes me feel bad for SD and makes me feel bad for her other child because bf did want to be her dad, etc. and seems like BM just shipped her off to not deal with her either. It is not like BM is collecting child support from bf, because right now she isn't so it isn't like she fought to be the primary parent for money. I mean maybe BM manned up and started a relationship with her older child and her biological father. I don't know, but all signs point towards she just wants to party and not be a mom so why not just let bf do what he has wanted to do from the get go?

Whatever, I know, I know, there is no point in trying to understand, etc. just frustrates me anyway.


tog redux's picture

Honestly, there is a lot of stigma still in regards to women not having primary custody of their kids. It's very unusual for fathers to have custody, and for most women, their role as a mother is a very important part of their identity. For BMs like this, and the one we deal with, there is no way in hell they are going to give up the image of being a good mother.  They will fight to the end to keep that image, even if they aren't actually interested in BEING good mothers.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

How anyone buys this image and persona she puts on. I already know she runs her mouth saying stuff about my bf in regards to her other child, which really really infuriates me because it was her mess she caused and not one ounce of blame is on my bf for that. Then now it is looking like instead of taking the time to just be a parent to the child you caused SO much damage to and get one on one time, work on her agression, etc. especially so she stops taking it out on her younger sister, no you drop her off somewhere to go party like a college student and you are close to being 30. Again, none of my business of my concern, just after the drama of the past two years now she isn't interested? 

tog redux's picture

She never was interested, that's why she left the child with your BF for so long. But no way in hell is she going to tell people she doesn't have custody of her children.

I mean, honestly - when I hear that a mother doesn't have custody of her kids, I usually think immediately that she must have a drug or mental health issue. It's so unusual for women to not be bonded to kids and to WANT to be the primary caregiver. Men who don't have custody are the norm, there's nothing unusual or shameful in saying you are an EOWE dad.  But a woman having to say her ex has custody is going to be judged.

Now, I know some women choose to give custody to the father for many reasons other than drugs/mental health issues, but that's not what first comes to mind.

BM here had no issue with DH being an active parent until it had to be put on paper, then she fought to the death for sole custody.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

The rollercoaster it has been, I totally spaced out on the fact that for the first 16 months after bf filed for divorce, bf had the children for 70-80% of the time until BM realized she was going to lose if she didn’t start playing games, etc. So that is true, but I thought after all that, she had to of wanted to at least be/do what was her best for them when putting so much energy into making it so she is the primary caregiver. Then again, my friend’s ex (BM) wants to call and talk to her child all day everyday the kid is not with her, but then neglects to give that same amount of time and energy when SD is actually with her.


I need to just realize that I am not vindictive or anything like these HCBM’s so I will never be able to understand it, since I would not act this way.

tog redux's picture

Right, you are a normal woman who will WANT to be a good parent. BM just wants to look like a good parent, she doesn't want to put the energy into being one.

BM here is the same. She fought to have SS with her all the time, and then let him do whatever he wanted and basically ruined his chances at having a good life and being a functional adult.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It's like, if a woman is in prison or horribly addicted to drugs, or has a severe mental illness like schizophrenia, you can at least think she would care for her kids if she could. But the ones who choose not to but still try to look like MOTY, i look at them like i would a sociopath. 

Jcksjj's picture

I mean, honestly - when I hear that a mother doesn't have custody of her kids, I usually think immediately that she must have a drug or mental health issue.

Same. Even with DH having 50/50, and even moreso when he used to have SD every night, most people's initial reaction is "what's wrong with her mom?" Especially older people. DH thinks everyone is just so impressed by him having her alot, but in reality most people dont even think about that and jump right wondering about her mom.

tog redux's picture

Yes, 50/50 has become more common, but I think many (unhealthy) women still see this as an indictment of their ability to be the primary caregiver.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Ikr. These guys want to be looked at as this hero parent martyr, but what i think is "what kind of a woman did he get mixed up with?" Like, how bad is your judgement? Some things can't be helped. But, in the situation i witnessed, SO has 2 brothers. Between the 3 of them there are 6 BMs, and most of the kids end up with my SO? Like, not one of the other 8 "parents" involved is fit? So many bad decisions. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

True. I used to think that if a woman didn't have custody of her kids it had to be something like drugs, severe mental illness, or prison. Then i found out that some of these women just prefer not to be bothered with the responsibility if someone else will do the heavy lifting.

I think, in a way, that's worse. Sort of like a man who doesn't provide for his kids. Or, blend the roles and any parent who neither provides financial support nor physical care is just a miserable failure as a parent. I hope people see through their false self-praise and fake victimhood too. But i hope more than that to reach a point where i no longer care what others do. 

advice.only2's picture

Meth Mouth used to post all over social media about being a single mom who worked hard so her kids could have all. It was laughable seeing as she didn't have custody of either child, didn't work, and was in and out of jail. But because she stated it in her mind, in Spawns mind and in her craptastic friends minds it was the truth, and that's all that really matters right? THEIR truth...eye roll.

BethAnne's picture

With her big move this summer, it might be easier to organise everythig without a child in tow. I know myself and my siblings spent long amounts of time with grandparents over summers when we were kids. My sister even lived with my grandparents for 6 months or so and went to the local school while my parents were sorting out moving/houses and jobs etc. Letting a child spend time with thier relatives is not always a choice parents make because someone wants to go and party. 

I wish motherhood were not so idolized in our culture, it would do a lot for gender equality if mothers and fathers could be on an equal footing. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

She's not moving. As of word from her last week, she is not moving this summer or who knows if ever now. Otherwise I would agree with you but that's not the case. I'm happy when we move to the other coast we will not have SD she will be with BM because it makes it easier. Hell when we moved my place and bf's place we didn't have SD with us and it made it much smoother 

MissK03's picture

It sounds like she feels like she "missed out" on those young partying days. BM here has been doing this for almost 10 years now (she's 40) and doesn't seem like she's slowing down anytime soon. She lives a child free life. I use to sympathize with her in the beginning because of having children young but, then her true colors came out. 

My SO has primary custody with them having joint. BM technically has sat/sun every other weekend. She has not utilized this time in over two years. I can almost grantee she makes up stories about "things" she does with kids to people. She has too... there is no way if people ask her about skids she says the truth. What is sad is BM, I honestly think, thinks she is a "good mom" She texts the kids, (mainly time hops from when they were small) She will text if a teacher sends an email, so to here that's her "being a good mom." It's all an image, and honestly, they aren't really fooling anyone but themselves.  No one will call them out on it because "they are still their mom" which to me is a bunch of BS. 

Also, as far as I know, BM has no true female friends. When SO met her at like 18/19 she didn't have any female friends. There is a reason for that, people saw who she is really early on.  I mean she tried getting me to hang out with her! I think people like BM here find other people like them later in life. No normal person would associated with them if they knew who the really were. I bet HCBM find other HCBM to try and make their actions justified. There is no other explanation. 

tog redux's picture

BMs like this tend to tell everyone their ex lied in court and took the kids away from them.

MissK03's picture

Right?! Poor me card. I don't think BM here used that line but I would bet my life she lies about seeing the skids. 

Edit: Example, she actually picked SS16 up and brought him to work a few weeks ago. Literally 2 miles away. 

Reality: (I can't confirm if this is true) She needed something to post because her social media was probably getting dry of skid related things and more then likely took a selfie with him and posted on social media dropping my boy off or something along those lines. I would again bet my life on that too. 

Where is she 5 nights a week that he gets out at 930-1030pm and I have to go pick him up?? 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, my SO's BM2 hates to actually keep her kids. Her 16-year-old hasn't slept at her house but maybe once in the last year. The past few "her" weeks, she shuttles SS10 back and forth between SO's brother and her mother, so he doesn't sleep at her house. She also does things like make a big deal out of every email she gets, imo, to look like she is "parenting." She will text a screenshot to SO of an email that was sent to both of them, then text a screenshot to her son. Like, he got it too, why send it! I can only think she is justifying earning her child support. And she will really only pick the kids up when there is some event for her family or friends where it would look bad if she didn't have her kids there. If one of her friends is having a birthday party for their kids and it's within a few weeks of SS10's birthday, she will text last minute and want to pick him up. She tells him it's a party for his birthday, even though it's clear to him that some other kid's name is on the cake and presents. She kept the ipad i got him for his last birthday the last time he slept at her house (over a month ago), and it's probably not coming back. And this chick is not poor. She drives a 50k car and supposedly owns 10 rental properties. She's just a pathetic piss poor excuse for a parent. I can only hope others see it, but it appears the family mostly covers for her.