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For those with out of state Christmas, what do you do when it is not your year?

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

SD is 4, this will be the first Christmas that bf will not see SD for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or the day following Christmas. From here on out, we get odd years of Christmas break and BM gets even years. We will be getting SD for Thanksgiving this year just because BM is still actually in the same state and willing to allow bf to have SD this year. For Christmas however, BM will not allow bf to have any time, but technically it is her year so can't be mad about that. Supposedly BM is moving in December prior to Christmas anyway, so we will actually be in different states, but who knows BM has said this before.

I was just curious what people do in regards to Christmas gifts when it is not their year. The next time we will get SD will be Spring Break. I already put my foot down with my mom yesterday who thought it was sad we were not sending SD any Christmas gifts to BM's house. Both bf and I decided months ago, we were not doing that for multiple reasons. 1. If we do that, then on our years we are going to be getting gifts from BM to our home, 2. You can't give BM an inch or she takes a mile, 3. With a high conflict BM like ours, it is best to stick to the strict boundaries, etc. My mom then asked if she could give SD a gift when we come for Thanksgiving and I told her that was totally fine.


justmakingthebest's picture

If you have her for Thanksgiving, I would do early family Christmas with her, a few things from you and SO. Put your tree up early, take some pictures and make it special for just you 3. 

Other than that, even with my exH, Santa only comes to one house. Hopefully BM will agree to that as well. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

We can do it the evening we pick her up because we will leave the next morning to go out of state and once we return it will be time to drop her off, but then she can play with whatever we get her while we are at my parents house.


justmakingthebest's picture

That would be perfect!

You can even get matchey PJ's for Christmas and take some cute pics!

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

prior to Christmas so we took our Christmas card photo in August, haha, but maybe getting matchey PJ's and making that our Christmas card photo will be even better!

CastleJ's picture

Is the EO Christmas break something that BF and BM decided or was it court ordered? We had a similar long distance situation with every other Christmas break and it was very difficult. We tried to do our celebration during Thanksgiving and yes, Santa only went to one house, but it was weird cramming Thanksgiving and Christmas together. And yes, we have tried waiting until Spring Break too and it feels weird to hold onto Christmas gifts for 3 months.

We actually petitioned the courts to get ours changed so Christmas break is split into two. On even years, BM gets day after school releases to halfway and DH gets halfway through the day before school resumes. This alternates yearly, so every year, DH either gets Christmas Eve and Day with SS or New Years Eve and Day with SS. SS is never expected to travel on the actual holidays per the CO but it still allows both families to celebrate. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

move out of state prior to Christmas this year, this will be the only year we will be in the same state as BM for Christmas. Every year after this, we will be in two different states, far far away and this was what both sides agreed to knowing full well that at the very latest come May 2021, it will be an out of state schedule always.


Iamwoman's picture

We have a separate Christmas celebration when skids aren't here on Christmas. Usually it's at MIL'a home because she likes to throw a separate Christmas party anyway.

These custody schedules really put an ugly spin on what should be happy holidays though.

This year, I am not doing skid gifts. Too many lines have been crossed. I am out on stepmothering until realizations are made, apologies offered, and gratitude is shown. DH, for years, has told me I'm wasting my energy and he is tired of seeing me used and hurt by skids and Maggot. I'm finally on the same page.

I assume DH will just mail skid gifts to Maggot's house.

We will have our first drama-free lovely Christmas in nearly a decade.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

You should definitely stand your ground until things change!

We will be spending christmas at my parents especially as it is our last Christmas on the east coast well while living here. Last year we got SD two days after Christmas and went to my parents then, which worked out nicely, but this is the last Christmas we will  be in the same state as BM and that might actually not end up happening because she might move before then. I don't blame her for not wanting to give up time on her year when next year we won't want to give up our time on our year

Enjoy your drama free Christmas!

Sparkl3s's picture

If we don't get the skids for Xmas we get them for the week after for New Years so we just give them their gifts at that time. X-Mas gifts used to be a hot button issue bc BM swore Mr.Sparkle was out to get her and only got them nice things to make her look bad. The kids made a list they got the requested gifts (they were mostly small ticket items). Now that they are teenagers they just want cash and it gets sent to their bank accounts to not make the other kids at Christmas sad/jealous. They open token sweaters or hat gifts. I normally just get them subscriptions. Last year I got everyone a Spotify account, it's like $15 a month and I already paid for one bc I hate commercials. 

simifan's picture

I would be sending a gift to my kid at christmas and their birthday if I would not see them close to the holiday, regardless of what ex chose to do. I would want them to know I am thinking of them. 4 is too young to understand gifts at Thanksgiving are really for Christmas. Maybe do the bulk of gifts at Thanksgiving and mail something small. 

You may also want to consider how BM might spin it. "Daddy didn't even send you anything for christmas."

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

so that is how she will know that we are thinking of her on Christmas. We already decided we will not be mailing anything because that opens the door for more communication, more drama, gives BM the okay to mail things to our house which we do not want.

BM spins anything and everything she can. If we sent something small she would probably say "daddy only got you one thing for Christmas." Bf has made comments about he can only imagine how BM spins things to people or the her older child about bf not being in her life anymore. I have told him that you can't worry about that because worrying about it doesn't change the fact that she spins things. There is nothing we can do about so giving energy to it just makes BM win. The only way to deal with BM especially for how high conflict and crazy she is, is to keep the two households as separate as possible.

We also don't want SD growing up thinking gift giving measures one's love for another person.

shellpell's picture

We are long distance and never get skid for Christmas. DH just sends him a gift. We both like it that way.