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Talk about a red flag

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and I don't mean one about bf, but rather any of the women bf's brother has been intimate with/been in a reltionship with. Basically the biggest reason bf and I have not been out to his home state until now even though we have been together over 2 years now is because bf’s family is a mess. Specifically his dad, mom, and all 3 of his half siblings cause a lot of drama and aren’t the best of people. Bf’s dad is the exception, although his mistakes are making bad decisions and having too much faith in people. Bf’s dad has been married 3 times, Bf’s mom (who he doesn’t have a relationship with anymore) is about to be married for the 4th or 5th time, Bf’s sister was pregnant at 15 and is married to and has kids with someone else and they get in physical in fights (both of them), bf’s one brother has been in and out of jail and bf’s other brother is the reason for this post.

 

While we were on our trip, we spent majority of our time with bf’s dad. Bf’s brother that is closest to him in age has 5 kids. The first child’s BM (brother’s 1st ex-wife) is in prison for life. This is because the BM let strangers/friends abuse their (brother & 1st wife’s) daughter since she was a baby until she was 2 or 3, then she also ran over her drug dealer and killed him, so now BM’s in prison for life and brother has full custody of child. Then the brother married again, had 3 children with her. His 2nd wife, hated the step daughter because she wasn’t hers, and she became her main care giver since dh (brother) worked 60 – 80 hour weeks. Then when the 2nd wife was pregnant with their 3rd child, brother decided he was leaving her. Brother divorced 2nd wife, who said she did not at all want any of the kids. Now in November 2019, brother knocked up a third woman, had the child in July. So on our last night visiting, we saw bf’s niece (the 1st child of his brothers that had been abused) and she came to stay at bf’s dad that night. While bf was doing the dishes, he got to talk to the niece quite a bit and found out that now this 3rd woman is the main care giver of the brother’s 4 children, plus their baby together. Apparently the new woman and the child’s dad, expect her to get up on her own, make her breakfast and lunch, and walk the block to school by herself while everyone else is still sleeping. Then, the girlfriend when she wants to go out somewhere whether it be the store or whatever, will leave all 4 of the other children for the 11 year old to watch. Then we found out from bf’s dad that now the niece doesn’t have fully covered medical care like she used to because neither her dad or the girlfriend will or can take the child to her court mandated therapy so the coverage continues. Bf’s dad used to take her to all of these and be the child’s main care giver, but his health for the past year has not allowed him to do so.

 

The point of this blog is I just feel so bad for this child who without even meeting her you know she needs help, support, and love and she really is not getting it. I saw someone’s blog today about parent’s giving up on their children and while this is not what they meant (more on the parental alienation POV it was talking about), but this is an example of a parent not doing what is best at all for one of their children and is really suffering. Part of me thinks bf thought I might be hesitant about a future with him or think of him differently after seeing and hearing first hand about some of the really harsh reality about his relatives, but that is not the case at all. If anything, makes me understand him a bit more and why he keeps such a distance from them and where he grew up. Does make me sad though when a child really only has the one parent like in this case the BM is not in her life at all and really shouldn’t and there really isn’t anyone advocating for her. The child’s biggest advocate was bf’s dad and his health simply doesn’t make him able to be anymore. Plus according to the state because of his health, he legally can’t be responsible for her. I especially feel bad that at least the brother’s 2nd wife instead of being compassionate for a child who has been through some really horrific things instead wanted to get rid of her because she wasn’t hers. I get that the child probably had major behavior issues etc. and wouldn’t be easy to love, care for, etc. but then don’t get with a man who already has a child. Just food for thought.

Comments

Picardy III's picture

So the trainwreck of a brother has a pattern of dumping all care of his kids from prior relationships onto the new woman he's with.
And, per your phrasing above, each new woman (not dad!) gets the main blame for neglecting the prior relationship children.

I don't doubt that the 11-year-old niece has been poorly treated in her chaotic childhood, but getting herself ready in the morning and to school by herself is age-appropriate responsibility, not neglect, IMO. Same for watching younger siblings while the parents run quick errands - I did plenty of that at age 11.

And, I'd take the vilification of the 2nd wife with a huge grain of salt.

 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Oh I am not saying that the new woman either the 2nd or 3rd woman neglects the prior relationship children. What I am saying is that it was not good that the brother (aka dad) chose a woman who hated the first child (neice) who really needed help. Clearly from when he had his first child, the brother (aka dad) neglected this child on his own and did not pay attention since all this abuse happened to her and he didn't find out for a loooong time.

This 11 year old child specifically does not have the normal thinking/maturity for her age though due to what has happened to her. She has ran away so MANY times that the state said if she runs away again she will be a ward of the state and the brother loses his rights to her. So what I am saying is that an 11 year old that has so many issues especially with running away should not be responsible for getting ready and to school by herself while the adults in the house are still sleeping or watching 4 children under the age of 5 for hours like is happening. That is what I was getting at.

Eh, when the 2nd wife had her first with the brother (aka dad), the dad came home to the his oldest daughter missing and they found her 5 miles from the home barefoot in the snow. There are many other stories, but I wasn't going to list it all. Plus when she said when getting divorced she didn't want the kids, the next day her and her friend uploaded a video to facebook of them breaking and entering into a home for which she got arrested for, etc. The 2nd wife dug her own grave in many ways, but I was not getting into it all on this blog would be typing for days.

The moral of this story is the brother needs to stop having children because he can't care for them at all and god rest the woman's soul who takes on this man's baggage

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

You are telling me. It has made me so much more happy that we spend the holidays and such with my family haha

Gimlet's picture

Why do people like this have children?  Why?  And he's still having them.  Someone should go ahead and just perform a vasectomy, preferably with a rusty butter knife.

I get it.  My sister made my younger niece walk on a broken femur for 3 days because she was busy drinking and didn't want to take her to the hospital.  She told her she was "exaggerating".  She wouldn't let the girls call me or anytone else about it either, and they were both too young to drive. It healed funny because she waited so long and then she didn't take her to any PT after that.   She's such a garbage mother and person.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

He apparently is very fertile and he needs to not have anymore kids!

Oh no! That is awful. I mean only thing that made me at least feel good is apparently neither the dad or his girlfriend cook, so the neice hasn't had a home cooked healthy meal in a while. We cooked 3 nights and  made plenty for leftovers so both the neice (who was staying the weekend) and bf's dad (who doesn't cook) had some good stuff to heat up and eat after we left. Plus unknowingly, we made one of her favorite foods too

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OP, have you and your bf ever discussed what you'd do if those kids end up in state care and CPS wants family to take them?

I would want it clearly understood that you are not an option, because people like that tend to go from crisis to crisis, and once your bf's father passes they'll be looking for someone else to use.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

as when bf and I were in the car on our way back to his dad's where both the neice and dad were already he had a serious talk with me about her. Bf basically said how it is really sad and unfortunate, but the neice does some strange things, has horrible social skills and behavior problems and quite honestly didn't want me to be alone with her just because she has made some allegations about bf's mom whether they are true or not, they have been made. So I know in regards to the neice who really needs more professional help and stability than she is getting, it wouldn't be in our home.

I truly get what you are getting at, but bf would not take them in. He hasn't even met any of the other 4 children, hasn't seen his brother in about 6-7 years and doesn't plan on it. If it ended up that the state would give money for the kids they would 100% end up at bf's mom because it is all about the money for her. Bf's mom actually took the neice in this year, but once the state found out she wasn't going to therapy they stopped sending checks for her and covering all her medical expenses, bf's mom took her back to the dad (bf's brother) and said she didn't want her anymore.

Basically it is just a giant mess

Harry's picture

Buy a red nose, and join them?  Do you think all these kids are going to turn out ?  Do you really want kids with him ?  Maybe you can color code the kids , to make sure who is the  brothers, who the  cousins,  

like others have said.  RUN.  As fast as you can. Nothing good is going to happen 

Gimlet's picture

Being born into a shitshow of a family doesn't mean you are doomed to be like them.  It sounds like OP's boyfriend sets appropriate boundaries with them. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

person respond to this run...

Yes, bf does set appropriate boundaries for sure. The difference between my bf and his family is he is aware of their short comings and he doesn't want to be like them. He already is not like them. Most of them are basically stuck there and have nothing going for them. I am not at all worried about having children with bf or marrying him. In his case, I wouldn't say when I marry him I marry his family because he keeps them at such a distance and they don't influence him or anything like that. If anything meeting them and seeing where/how he grew up makes me understand him so much more. Some of it I will admit was tough for me because for the most part I come from a normal family, especially if you compare the two.